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Internet Oracularities #477

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477, 477-01, 477-02, 477-03, 477-04, 477-05, 477-06, 477-07, 477-08, 477-09, 477-10


Usenet Oracularities #477    (25 votes, 2.6 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 10 Sep 1992 08:56:41 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   477
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

477   25 votes 6d510 17a52 17c41 66940 19843 34864 64771 78721 35845 ca210
477   2.6 mean  2.0   3.0   2.9   2.4   3.0   3.2   2.7   2.3   3.1   1.7


477-01    (6d510 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXB.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've sent you one message before, and I wondered if you could explain
> your response.
>
> You see, I had a really great idea for a question.  I sent the
> following email message to you:
>
> >
>
> But all I got back was the following:
>
> >      / _____   _   _____ \
> >     /      /  / \    |    \
> >    /      /  |   |   |     \
> >    \     /   |   |   |     /
> >     \   /    |   |   |    /
> >      \ /____  \_/    |   /
>
> What exactly does ZOT mean?  It's in all-caps, so I guess it's an
> acronym.  And what do those greater and less-than signs have to do
> with it?
>
> I would have asked you this sooner, except just after I read your
> message, that large California earthquake hit and the building
> collapsed on me.  I've only just gotten out of the hospital.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, confused supplicant, who ponders on the infinitely wise dispensings
} of the Oracle, I hear your question (finally) and reply so:
}
} The famed <ZOT> is as much a part of I, the Usenet Oracle, as Lisa (my
} woman), my priests/priestesses, and my many incarnate forms.  The <ZOT>
} is the physical representation of my ire, the Great Death Blow From
} Above, the fabulous bolt of cosmic agony that screams down from the
} heavens and turns the unworthy supplicants into puddles of goo in their
} Fruit of the Looms.  I dispense <ZOT>s to those who question foolishly,
} who mock the timeless wisdom and knowledge of the Oracle; the woodchuck
} question ("how much wood...") for example, and empty questions (like
} yours) deserve and receive my wrath.  The letters Z-O-T are, alas, the
} best translation the poor iuvax/moose can muster, for to actually
} express my fury would cause it to blow every fuse in the Midwest.
}
} As for your unfortunate hospitalization, the Oracle is truly sorry.
} Next time stand under a bigger building when you feel the urge to ask
} blank questions.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nice, long grovel, just to boost my already
} infinte ego.


477-02    (17a52 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, font of all that is worth knowing, or at least hearing
> about, please answer my humble question.
>
> For hundreds of years people have pondered how many angels can dance on
> the head of a pin.  But how many pins can one stick in the head of an
> angel?  And is it a misdemeanor or a felony if you don't have a permit?
>
> Enquiring minds want to know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question has required much thought, which in turn has prompted may
} other questions, including those of your religious upbringing and
} emotional stability.  However, the Oracle must answer what the Oracle
} is asked, and thus I proceed:
}
} Pinning an angel is no easy task, considering the many factors
} involved:
} 1) finding an angel
} 2) having a pin handy at the moment one finds the angel
} 3) getting close enough to jam the pin in the angel's face
} 4) getting out of the way fast enough after the pinning to avoid being
}    clobbered over the head with a lyre by the now-irate angel
} 5) etc.
}
} Assuming you do complete your task, I would say that there is virtually
} no limit to the number of pins one can stick into the head of an angel.
} As to the legal implications, since angels are in fact heavenly
} messengers, they fall out of the normal mortal legal jurisdiction.  In
} fact, Aggrevated Angelic Assault cases would be handled in a higher
} court.  A *much* higher court.  As a word of advice, if you ever *do*
} have the happenstance to see an angel, let me suggest that you refrain
} from any piercing tendencies you might have and just behave.
}
} You owe the Oracle a voodoo doll.


477-03    (17c41 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle, who doesn't really like hurting anyone, please tell
> me:
>
>       Why can't we all just get along?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, gentle querent, who asks a truly *favorable* question of the
} Oracle, allow me please to explain:
}
} Man's civilization will, unfortunately, *never* "get along."  Homo
} Sapiens is the second most territorial form of life on the planet
} Earth, and, with the spread of western culture throughout the world,
} now has justifiable reasons through which to kill, maim, rape, and
} destroy one another.  These reasons are (in no particular order),
} Politics, Religion, Racial Purity, Ethnic Identity, Cultural Identity,
} Hunger, and (my favorite) Progress.  By simply subscribing to one (or
} more) of these areas of belief, any man (meaning "man or woman") is
} completely justified in doing Whatever They Damn Well Please Beacuse
} It's Legal Somewhere.  Early cultures exhibited these tendancies
} somewhat among themselves, however, it took a couple of colonozations,
} a little slavery, and the occasional opium trade to really foul things
} up for humanity.  Sorry.
}
} At least you can take some pride in knowing that you are number *2* in
} a long list of competitive, Earth-native life forms, the first being
} (of course), the ordinary Zucchini.  Gardeners will swear come summer
} and fall that though they only set out five mounds, they now have a
} bumper crop of the dreaded plants. In fact, the Green Menace has
} completely overtaken all other forms of plant life in the garden,
} claimed two stray dogs who happened to be piddling on the garden one
} night, and has nearly climbed the fence to the neighbor's lawn. Certain
} farmers are known to set up elaborate alarm systems between their homes
} and their fields, just to give them hope of escaping before the wily
} vegetable overtakes the house.  Humans have adapted so far by
} concocting approximately 743 recipies involving Zucchini, however, this
} number is far insufficient to ebb the tide.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Police Brutality Barbie (with Beat-n-Bruise
} action!)


477-04    (66940 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Dale A. Charletta" <75725.440@CompuServe.COM>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> DOULIKECUTPL8S?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A grovel would have been nice. Something like IBOW2U or URYY4ME.
}
} And for that, I will only tell you the the Oracle's plate reads "1"
} and the Lisa's plate reads "LUBRIC8".
}
} You owe me the back seat of a '57 Chevy.


477-05    (19843 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle!
>
>   I'm so sorry!!  You entrusted me to answer a question from
> one of your subjects and I accidentally deleted it!  I feel like
> mucous.  What can I do to attone for this?!?
>
>                                       - Distressed

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmm, strange - somebody saw you coming.  The Oracle does not entrust
} questions to anybody.  I alone provide answers.  Now let me look in the
} communications from mere mortals dept (questions) and see if I can find
} out who has been playing silly games.
}
}    telnet iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
}    login: oracle
}    Password:
}
}    iuvax # who
}    oracle      ttyp0   Sep  8 19:18 from olympus.oracle.org
}    gates       ttyp4   Sep  8 19:18 from corp.microsoft.com
}
} I though so, there is only one person with the nerve to play God with
} poor computer users.  ZOT !
}
}    iuvax # who
}    oracle      ttyp0   Sep  8 19:18 from olympus.oracle.org
}
} There: Windows NT will be six months late and full of bugs!
}
} No need to attone, the culprit has been ZOTTED!
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Accidental Empires.


477-06    (34864 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXB.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty oracle, whose wisdom and knowledge is beyond the
> comprehension of mere mortals, please grace me with the answers to this
> great mystery, and forgive me for asking so many questions....
> WHAT is the stuff in the bottom of the drain? What should I do with it?
> Is there a use for it? Is it toxic? Does it recycle?Can I really remove
> it myself or should I call in a specialist????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Scene: Inside the Oracle's Question Screening Room, where hundreds of
} diligent employees sit at computer terminals, reading the questions,
} and passing only the most important ones on to the Oracle himself,
} giving the rest out to computer nerds around the world to answer.  As
} the sweet sounds of The Who's "Pinball Wizard" fill the air, one
} diligent employee suddenly gasps, gets up, and runs off down the hall
} to the Oracle's main office, and bangs on the door.]
}
}       "What is it, now?"
}
}       "Oh magnificent Oracle, sir!  One of the supplicants is asking
} about..."  The nervous man gulps and continues.  "... the stuff in the
} bottom of the drain..."
}
}       "What?  Who?"  The Oracle turns to his own computer terminal (far
} better than the ones the employees use), punches a few keys, and reads
} the question.  The Oracle shakes his head.  "It looks like we have to
} take care of another one.  I hate to do it, but he suspects far too
} much already, I can see.  He can't be allowed to find out more about
} the stuff in the bottom of the drain!  If he does, he'll soon discover
} the true nature of the Universe and will also have the knowledge and
} power to take it over.  He must be stopped now!"
}
}       "Yes, sir!  How should we do it?  A standard <ZOT>?"
}
}       "No, no...  We need to make it look like I had nothing to do with
} the poor sot's demise...  Hmmm...  What was that method we used a
} couple thousand years back to that Jewish kid who came so close to
} discovering the true nature of the Universe?"
}
}       "Uh..."  The man opens a huge file drawer, rifles through some
} papers, and pulls one out.  "Here it is!  You had him nailed to a
} wooden cross..."
}
}       "Hmmm...  No, that probably won't work too well today.  Besides,
} it WAS rather tacky.  What other methods have we used?"
}
}       The man rifles through more papers.  "Falling boulders...
} Parachute failing to open...  Spontaneous combustion...  Hey, here's a
} good one: computer terminal explosion!"
}
}       "Perfect!  The next time this nosey supplicant turns on his
} terminal, KABOOM!!!!  Good, good, go set it up!"
}
}       "Yes, sir!  Right away!"  The man runs off down the hall again.
}
}       The Oracle sighs with relief.  "It's a good thing we caught this
} guy when we did.  The next thing you know, he'd be asking about duct
} tape, then he'd want to know just what 'cheese food' was, and before
} you know it he'd have figured out just how the Universe is constructed,
} and he'd be able to easily take it over, and I'd be out of a job..."
} The Oracle leans back, puts his feet up on his desk, cracks open a
} bottle of Budweiser, turns up "Magic Bus", and relaxes.


477-07    (64771 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Who is John Galt?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Born in 1840, John Richards (his maiden name) excelled at math and
} physics at Eton college which was unfortunate, as he went to MIT.  Two
} years later, at his first birthday, John discovered the Theory of
} Reptility, which stated (among other things) that energy was conserved
} by laying on a flat rock in the hot sun and not moving around very
} much.
}
} John married at a young age and took his wife's name, Galt Smith.
} Together, they climbed up Mt. Everest, but not very far.  After
} coming down, John Galt helped to write "The History of the Usenet
} Oracle" and "Autobahn's Guide to Flattened Squirrels".  John died in
} 1804, leaving behind him many great books and classical compositions.
} To this day, nobody has claimed them.
}
} You owe the Oracle John Galt's mountaineering cap.


477-08    (78721 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, whose cranial capacity is as boundless and vast as the cosmos
> themselves, although crammed with brains instead of a vacuum, tell me
> why the makers of Star Trek insist on keeping Counselor Troi alive.
> She's utterly useless to the plot, insipid to the extreme, and
> everyone's too busy looking at her boobs to listen to her anyhow.  If
> they insist on keeping her, how come they don't give us women an
> equally vapid sexpot to look at.  I demand equal time!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No kidding!  I'm a man and I hate her.
}
} She sucks, doesn't she?  She can't act worth a damn.  "I SENSE...
} ANGUISH!!!!!!   AUGHHHHHH!!!!!"  Yikes.  You know what I always
} wonder: why ALL the women on that show wear essentially the same
} uniforms as the men, EXCEPT HER!  She's got that silly tight-legged
} slinky low-cut cleavage look.  I think everyone on that show should
} wear that same outfit.  That way, at least it would be worth a few
} laughs.
}
} The whole show stinks, as a matter of fact.  I hate constantly being
} bombarded by political messages which are about as subtle as a herd
} of elephants in Tiffany's.  "The last lizard rescued from a Klingon
} rainforest - Gee, Earth used to have rainforests before man destroyed
} them all."  Give me a break.  I'll take the old Star Trek any day.
} At least they had fun and didn't take themselves so seriously.
}
} And as far as getting a sexpot for the females to look at, I've been
} working on that.  Watch this coming fall season when the bring in
} an omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent superbeing called the
} Oracle, played by (but of course) yours truly.  I'm quite the handsome
} stud, if I do say so myself, and I'll be wearing nothing but Speedos
} the entire time.  Make sure your SO isn't around that evening, you'll
} want to be alone.
}
} You owe the Oracle repeats of the old series five times a week.


477-09    (35845 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which is worse:  a woman's monthly period, or a man's daily shave?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shaving is worse:  you can have sex during the period, but sex while
} shaving is very dangerous.
}
} Hope this helps,
} A bearded incarnation of the Oracle


477-10    (ca210 dist, 1.7 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Women appear to have assumed a useful place in the world's community,
> but just between you and me, if it weren't for sex, they'd be barefoot
> in the kitchen where they belong, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question is an interesting one.
}
} If it weren't for sex women would be bare foot in the kitchen--hmmmmm
}
} This of course implies that sex either
}
} a-Lets women sleep their way up the corporate ladder
}
} or
}
} b-Be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.
}
} Naturally this has all been based on the false premise that women serve
} a useful role in society.  Lets look at a few examples.
}
} Any politicians wife--commonly believed to be secretly running the
} show, just look at the mess we're in
}
} Cindy Crawford--believes that the attention she gets comes from her
} Gotta Have It card, this shows a definite lack of intelligence as that
} she doesn't realise what it is that those men want to have.
}
} Shakespeare's Sister--now I know why he started drinking.
}
} Rosanne Arnold--tells lewd jokes and then butchers the natonal anthem,
} still debating which is worse.
}
} Candice Bergan--see the Dan Quayle file.
}
} The woman who had the greatest effect in society is Lil Tomlin.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of whipped cream so that Lisa and I can study
} this issue further.


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