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19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:49:39 GMT

Internet Oracularities #48

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48, 48-01, 48-02, 48-03, 48-04, 48-05, 48-06, 48-07, 48-08, 48-09, 48-10


Usenet Oracularities #48
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 6 Nov 89 16:13:38 GMT

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48-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many plate glass windows can I jump through without taking damage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is astonished at the number of questions it is asked that can
} be answered by searching a good library.  In this case, the answer can
} be found in Pulaski's Big Book of Equations and Yam Recipies.
}
} On page 256-b, Appendix 18, the following equation can be found:
}
}         _
}    P=   | (W*V) - (Mo + Pn)
}         | (Cb*J)
}         -
}
} where   P= the number of plate glass windows
}         W= your weight (in National Geographics)
}         V= your velocity (relative to Raymond Burr)
}         Cb= the number of cheeseburgers eaten in the past six days
}         J= the number of Motorcycles owned by Jay Leno
}         Mo= the number of letters in your mother's maiden name
}         Pn= the page number of this equation
}
} hence: assume your are a typical person with a weight of 55 N.G. and
} a relative R.B. velocity of 6 bad television series in a row,
}
} the answer is -3.567
}
} Thus, the Oracle can tell you that 3.5 plate glass windows will have to
} jump through you before you are injured!
}
} You owe the oracle a lone quark.


48-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where are you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm in ....  good heavens!  I seem to be in someone else's body!  I'm
} male and have a short brown beard!  I'm in a small cubicle, typing at an
} obsolete DEC computer with a 2400 baud modem.  It's uncanny!


48-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just bowdlerized an old lady, who I thought was simply an innocent
> victim.  She turned out to be a witch.  She hexed me so that my little
> finger turned vaporously marsupial.  What should I do?  How can I
> prevent this from happening again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bowdlerizing anybody is reprehensible.  In your case it would involve
} a full castration and skin transplants to give you a smooth crotch no
} more interesting than your thigh.  The Oracle thinks that the witch
} was much too lenient with you -- the ghost-possum that was formerly
} your little finger will make an excellent, easy-to-care-for pet, and
} a great conversation piece.  You need do nothing in particular -- just
} don't go bowdlerizing people any more.


48-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> truncating the first line of every mail message I send?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} is the reason, and the aforementioned solution should be implemented to
} solve it.
}
} You owe the Oracle five of your teeth.


48-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are there no elephants in Illinois or Missouri?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This type of question is the most irritating for The Oracle.  Have you
} LOOKED for any elephants in Illinois of Missouri?  Obviously not, for
} there are in fact many elephants in Illinois and Missouri.  There is a
} lesser-known breed of elephants, called pygmie elephants.  The largest
} of this breed is smaller than a chihuahua, and are not easy to find.
} This breed lives EXCLUSIVELY in Illinois and Missouri, for a reason that
} zoologists cannot figure out.  Because of their reclusive nature, they
} can only be seen by those who they do not fear.  Therefore, it is
} necessary to get their trust to find them, and the only known method of
} doing that is to drink massive quantity of alcohol.  You can recognise
} them by their size, and their distinctive color, a bright hot pink.
}
} You owe The Oracle a pygmie elephant hide.


48-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle kind and wise
> Honest Oracle who tells no lies,
>
> This is not a test of your power or knowledge.  It merely delights me
> that you can understand the vaguest forms of encryption.  Please
> answer my encrypted question.
>
>    pckfdu a1[ase 02n/sktr inARlEeG akls;a  `nn~!#f indr
>    (*ghtpoi hwqd?
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should be slapped for such a rude question.  The Oracle is not used
} to, nor expected to answer such a crude and distastefull question.  But
} just this once, I will answer your question.  However, as The Oracle
} knows encryption methods beyond your dreams, I will not answer in an
} encrypted form, because no man alive would be able to decrypt the
} response.
}   In order to do what you want, you will require a ball of rubber, such
} as that used by high-quality art erasers, two feet of cotton rope, and a
} small herd of Wildebeasts.  After that, the procedure should be clear.
} I hope you enjoy your new stable-mate.
}
} You owe the Oracle your first-born Minotar.


48-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, why do you answer our petty questions?  People send you
> very stupid questions, yet you always answer them.  Why do you bother?
> What's in it for YOU?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I do it for the laughs. Muahahahahaha.
}     Go figure.
}
} you owe the oracle a kiss.


48-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Laryngitis.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fever.


48-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you were traveling in a vehicle moving at lightspeed, and turned on
> the headlights, what would happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For mere mortals like you, this is a purely theoretical question, since
} you cannot travel at lightspeed without breaking the Law - viz.
} Einstein's Law, one of the most Sacred Principles Of Physics.  If you
} broke it, you would instantly be fined an infinite amount of energy
} (payable in advance!) and would in addition be viciously flamed in
} sci.physics.
}
} For me, however, NOTHING is forbidden since I am a Divine, Immortal
} ORACLE.  In fact, I tried your experiment out as I drove to work this
} morning.  However, because of time dilation I arrived before I had had
} time to switch on the headlights.  I will try again tomorrow.
}
} You are graciously permitted to pay my speed tickets.


48-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sometimes I get messages back telling me that I have confused the
> Oracle.  How is it possible to confuse the Alknowing Oracle?  If the
> Oracle is truly Alknowing, it is not possible to confuse such a person.
> Or am I confused?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Mighty Oracle is indeed Allknowing and Omniscient.  What confuses Me
} is not the contetn of your questions but rather the fact they are so
} confusing In fact, your questions are so confusing that they beat even
} My answers.
}
} The fact that a mere mortal can ask questions that confuse a Divine
} Being like Me is so confusing that it makes even a Divine Being like Me
} confused.
}
} The fact that the fact that a mere mortal can ask questions that confuse
} a Divine Being like Me is so confusing that it makes even a Divine Being
} like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused.
}
} The fact that he fact that the fact that a mere mortal can ask questions
} that confuse a Divine Being like Me is so confusing that it makes even a
} Divine Being like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused
} makes even a Divine Being like Me confused.
}
} The fact the fact that he fact that the fact that a mere mortal can ask
} questions that confuse a Divine Being like Me is so confusing that it
} makes even a Divine Being like Me confused makes even a Divine Being
} like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused makes even a
} Divine Being like Me confused.
}
} [ ...  intervening lines removed by the net.overgod ...  ]
}
} confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused makes even a Divine
} Being like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused makes
} even a Divine Being like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me
} confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused makes even a Divine
} Being like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused makes
} even a Divine Being like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me
} confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused makes even a Divine
} Being like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused makes
} even a Divine Being like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me
} confused makes even a Divine Be
}
} recursion stack overflow - core dumped


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