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Internet Oracularities #480

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Usenet Oracularities #480    (33 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 18 Sep 1992 10:27:58 -0500

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   480
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

480   33 votes 58c62 2c5b3 dc620 7bb40 24bf1 5d951 2cd33 c7932 37a58 3db42
480   2.7 mean  2.8   3.0   1.9   2.4   3.3   2.5   2.8   2.3   3.2   2.7


480-01    (58c62 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Most wise Oracle,
>
> My wife has had but one auto accident in 11 years of driving.
> Interestingly enough, her insurance has lapsed exactly once.  Why must
> these two seemingly unrelated events necessarily coincide?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I assume that the (unspecified) duration of the lapse is small;
} had it been, for example, 10.5 years, you would hardly have
} perceived it as a coincidence.
}
} Apparently you are not familiar with the good work of Accidents
} Incorporated; this firm receives money from insurance companies
} in return for making accidents happen to drivers who forget to pay
} their premiums.
}
} When the report of a lapsed policy is passed from the insurance
} company's computer to the AI computer, a radio bulletin is sent out
} to all AI drivers to look for and, if possible, dent the fenders of,
} the offender.
}
} The offender is ever after prompt in payment, and the insurance
} company thus profits from its small investment.


480-02    (2c5b3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who surpasses the 7 wonders of the world please answer me
> this
>
> Many times I have come asking questions and seeking your vast wisdom,
> and with every answer I have received a bill.  The other day my mom
> decided to surprise me by cleaning my apartment and has thrown out my
> "you owe the Oracle..." list. Remind me please, what all do I owe you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, geez. I've got a list here on my desk somewhere...
}
} *shuffle shuffle shuffle*
}
} Okay, here we go.
}
} You owe the Oracle one set of purple ostrich leather restraint cuffs,
} complete with plumes, twenty-seven ounces of Libido Delight massage
} cream, butter-rurutabaga flavor, two rubber aprons, a small frog,
} and... uh ...
}
} No, sorry about that; that's Lisa's shopping list.
}
} *shuffle shuffle scrape dig dig dig*
}
} You owe the Oracle Geraldine Ferraro, Tipper Gore, and Pat Schroeder in
} skin-tight lime green peek-a-boo girdles and...
}
} No, that's *MY* shopping list.
}
} *shuffle shuffle rustle sort meow THWACK! whimper stagger crumple die
} rustle*
}
} Aha! This looks more promising... You owe the Oracle a case of tarragon
} pasties, twelve bottles of something green and slimy with a
} presumptuous bouquet and a tumenescent, full bodied palate tapering to
} a gritty and lugubrious finish, a metric ruler, an electric violin
} tuned in the minoxodilic mode, your left foot tastefully wrapped in
} used bubblegum wrappers, an anvil, a copy of The Telephone Company
} employee handbook translated into Ancient Cyrillic, two fifths of the
} remaining Native American population of Brooklyn, the fifteenth tooth
} (from the left) of the forty-ninth expansion joint (counting from the
} Lower Peninsula end) of the Mackinaw bridge, a membership to the
} Illegitmate Daughters of Elvis Health Club and Chitlin Spa, the real
} story behind the space aliens that sank the Edmund Fitzgerald, that
} snowball you made when you visited Chicago in 1979 during the big
} blizzard, a Yugo that works, two goats suitable for sacrifice to lesser
} gods, the ultimate software engineering methodology, a lifetime
} subscription to The Utne Reader's Digest, four hundred and fifteen
} pounds of the finest Nepalese coffee beans, the solution to the
} three-body problem, a shattering expose of Jenny Craig and Geraldo
} Rivera's love nest in the Andes, and a foot masseuse that bears a
} striking resemblance to Isabella Rossellini.


480-03    (dc620 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle most wise, whose wisdom flows like kernels of yummy popcorn,
> please enlighten this poor supplicant...
>
> Are Daryl Gates and William Gates related?  They both seem to want to
> make America an oppressive dictatorship with really stupid rules.
>
> (For references, see D.A.R.E. and Microsoft Windows.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Poor supplicant? The Oracle is well aware of your little earner across
} 48 of the states and that numbered Swiss bank account. Good thing the
} FBI are still taking that bribe money, isn't it?
}
} As to your question, you are half-correct. In fact, Daryl Gates IS
} William Gates. The film 'D.A.R.E' was originally supposed to be about
} Microsoft Windows and ol' Bill, but a number of small changes had to be
} made for copright reasons.
}
} And you needn't bother with the reference section. Microsoft Windows is
} what I inflict on people who don't grovel, and I've seen every movie
} that will ever be made at least half a million times. (Well, I've had
} it on the television, at least; Lisa usually manages to distract me by
} the first commercial break)
}
} You owe the Oracle 10% of the profits of your 'little earner' in
} perpetuity (or I inform the Mother's Decency League - you wouldn't want
} that, would you?)


480-04    (7bb40 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Re: your posting
>
> I would also like any info that you have recieved.
>
> Thanks in advance,
> Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm.  I *suppose* that you realize the traditional punishment is for
} omitting a grovel?  Well, lucky for you that I'm in such a good mood
} today (the thing that Lisa did with the short-tailed lemurs would have
} killed a lesser diety, y'know).
}    Although, following the pattern of many other disrespectfully non-
} groveling supplicants, you have been less than specific in your request
} (after all, nearly 31% of all postings are actually my own) the Oracle
} is quite certain about which of my many spectacular recent posts you
} are referring.
}
} orrie> cd elvis
} orrie> ls
}  elvisalive   elvisdead
} orrie> cd elvisalive
} orrie> ls
}  j-hoffa   lovechild   biker      mmonroe    sex       moresex
}  elvismail pris        taxes      suede      sideburns sitings-real
}  sitings-false
} orrie> cd sitings-real
} orrie> ls
}  nyork      njersey    paris     trucker     dquayle   Bishoptutu
}  Losangeles SanFran    tvrepair  discjockey  morrissey McCartney
} orrie> more dquayle
}
} Oh Oracle most wise, who really really knows why George chose me for
} Vice-President (thank Lisa on my behalf for those pictures!), I need
} your help again!  When I went into the Oval Office this morning to ask
} George what I should do today before lunch that darn *Elvis* guy was
} there again.  I just *know* that when we get low enough in the polls
} the party will let him drop me from the ticket and have that slink
} hipped over-the-hill value-deprived-rocker in my place!  Marilyn says
} I'm nuts, but I think she disagrees just because she always thought
} that he was cute.  What should I do?  I'm so confused, everyone seems
} to like him more than they like me.
}
} orrie>
} orrie> logout
}
} You owe the Oracle a ticket to Elvis's first return show.


480-05    (24bf1 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh most reverent oracle, whose intelligence surpasses by far even the
> geekiest techie at NASA, who could score full marks on the MIT entrance
> exam while doing your 1992 taxes at the same time, who could body slam
> Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Meat-Head with your pinky finger, whose
> girlfriend Lisa gives a woody to every man who thinks about her, please
> aid your humble and lowly supplicant by answering the simplest of
> question:
>
> What exactly is "uh-huh", what sound does Diet Pepsi make when you
> taste the "uh-huh-ness", and how does "uh-huh" make Diet Pepsi a better
> drink than that of Diet Coke?  (P.S. Did Ray Charles pick out the
> Dancers himself?)
>
> Many Thanks, Oh Oracle of Oracles...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Methinks you have been hanging out with the Newfies again.
}
} "Uh-huh" is an ancient Mesopotamian herb previously used only as a
} aphrodisiac for cattle and other assorted bovines.  It was discovered
} in the lower delta of a now-forgotten river in Mesopotamia by a farmer
} known as Gilliganmesh, who noticed that his cows seemed much more
} affectionate than usual after munching certain plants.  (Don't ask me
} why he was interested in affectionate cows...this is a family network.)
}  He reported the discovery to his local wizard (known to us only as the
} Professor), who promptly distilled the essence of Uh-huh from the
} plant.  Thus did Mesopotamia become the cattle country of the past.
}
} Diet Pepsi makes no additional sound when one tastes the uh-huhness; it
} simply continues to make that goofy fizzing noise one usually hears.
} The taster, however, begins to make the Famous Cattle Mating Cry
} ("uh-huuuuUUUUUUUH!") and performs the Horney Cattle Dance, just as
} depicted in the commercials.
}
} If one is into cows, the advantages over Coke are blatantly obvious.
}
} You owe the Oracle a steak.
}
} PS  Yes, he did.  By scent.
}
} PPS  PS and PostScript are registered trademarks of Adobe Inc and
} shouldn't be tacked on to your supplications without the express
} written consent of the National Football League, or a cow.


480-06    (5d951 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and Powerful Oracle, whose feces have the fertilizing strength
> of thousands of cows, please tell these humble supplicants:
>
> Is it illegal to send feces through the US mail?  Not that we would
> even think about trying it of course, but if we did, would the mail
> cops come and arrest us?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That depends on what animal the feces came from.
}
} If you tried to sent your own feces to, for example, an anonymous
} Vice-President, then you might be arrested on the grounds of
} disseminating easy to read documents to a member of the government.
}
} If, however, you sent horse feces to a vetinary college you would not
} be arrested because they can examine it and gain scientific knowledge.
}
} If you sent dog feces to McDonalds, then they would.....
} begin 644 dog
} M<'5T(&ET(&EN('1H92!H86UB=7)G97)S+"!W:&%T(&5L<V4@<W1U<&ED(2$A
} !"G5T
}
} end
} (encoded to prevent libel, but, hey! no lawyer would take the case on
} fear of ZOT.)
} [ if you try to decode this, make sure there is a single blank space on
}   the empty line --kinzler ]
}
} If you sent cow feces to a horticultural society it would do wonders to
} their gardens.
}
} If I sent you my feces then you just might ake root and grow leaves.
}
} Nuff said.
}
} You owe the oracle a shovel.


480-07    (2cd33 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, whose knowledge everyone begs,
>
> what do you call a dog with no legs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A one line grovel??  Is that the best you can do
} In exchange for an answer to a question from you?
}
} I'm sorely tempted to reply with a <ZOT>,
} But I've given your query a little thought.
}
} So instead I've decided to answer this way
} (after all, what else can I say?)
}
} A dog with no legs it is clear to me,
} Is no hamburger, as you can plainly see.
}
} Instead it's a thing for which you thirst,
} It's a most delicious kind of wurst.
}
} In fact, to the most discriminating buyer,
} None other than a product of Oscar Meyer!
}
} I've seen eaters who unflaggingly tout
} The lavish addition of fine sauerkraut.
}
} And others who often embellish
} Their repast with some relish.
}
} But it's obvious to me, if not to you,
} That this was an answer that you already knew.
}
} So in the future if you wish not to be rude,
} Quit asking silly questions about food.


480-08    (c7932 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXB.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle, knower of all religions,
> What are the arguements for and against meeting the pope in person?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} >> Oh great oracle, knower of all religions,
}
} Oooo! I *lurve* it when I get dirty talk aimed at me! (I assume you
} mean "know" in the biblical sense).
}
} >> What are the arguements for and against meeting the pope in person?
}
} Well, I find myself somewhat in a quandary here, for you obviously need
} a mystical spell-checker permanently occupying your skull - after all,
} there's *bound* to be plenty of room inside. Before I tackle the
} question, I need to outline the possible interpretations, but let me
} first deal with a mistake that does not result in an ambiguity:
}
} One spells the fourth word of your question "argument", otherwise it
} seems to be a rather sticky and messy disagreement. (You know,
} arGOOEYment, yes? --- Oh, forget it!)
}
} The possible interpretations hinge on your evident illiteracy, and your
} inability (popular, I might add, amongst our North American USA
} brethren) to distinguish between upper and lower case letters. Thus, we
} have the following:
}
} "meeting"  could either be "meating" or "meeting",
} "person"   could either be "person"  or "Person"
}            (i.e., one of those wierdo place-names that the USA seems
}            to delight in, like "Intercourse", "Temple", or, for all
}            *you* know, "Doggy Doos" [of course, I already know, but
}            what of it!]).
} "the pope" could either be "The Pope" (i.e., the present encumbent), or
}            "the pope" (i.e. a pope in general, or the office rather
}            than the pontiff).
}
} So, here are the eight possible questions:
}
} 1) What are the arguements [sic] for meeting the pope in person?
} 2) What are the arguements [sic] for meating the pope in person?
} 3) What are the arguements [sic] for meeting The Pope in person?
} 4) What are the arguements [sic] for meating The Pope in person?
} 5) What are the arguements [sic] for meeting the pope in Person?
} 6) What are the arguements [sic] for meating the pope in Person?
} 7) What are the arguements [sic] for meeting The Pope in Person?
} 8) What are the arguements [sic] for meating The Pope in Person?
}
} This is an outrageous attempt to sidestep my rules by asking more than
} one question at a time, but, since you seemed to display such a
} devastating lack of good education and so arrived at this state of
} affairs by accident, I shall merely assume that you are an unwitting
} ex-student of the Dan Quayle Speeling Akkaddermee and assume that you
} have nothing to gain from the fruits of penal (or should it be penile,
} Dan?) reform. Let me consider each question in turn....
}
} 1. "... meeting the pope in person..."
}    Against: Your lack of lifetime. Unless you are about 2000 years old,
}    it will also now be impossible.
}    For: Your necessary achievement of time travel and possibly
}    infinitely prolonged life.
}
} 2. "... meating the pope in person..."
}    Against: Your lack of sexual stamina. Do you really want a cocktail
}    (pun may or may not be intended) of sexually-transmitted diseases?
}    For: Your evident sexual stamina. I suppose you would be merely
}    paying the office back in kind as they've obviously screwed up
}    enough of other people's lives.
}
} 3. "... meeting The Pope in person..."
}    Against: You may not be able to speak Italian with a Polish accent,
}    Polish with an Italian accent, or even Italian with a polished
}    accent. Do you also want to be told how to vote for "family values"
}    in your "dollar democracy" elections?
}    For: You can ruin two people's lives for a few minutes rather than
}    countless thousands for the same amount of time - unless, of course,
}    your meeting is televised...
}
} 4. "... meating The Pope in person..."
}    Against: Virtual Reality hasn't yet built a successful or safe
}    "power condom". If you dispensed with this latex gumshoe, then you
}    would have to go through the delights of a blood test!
}    For: Just think of the royalties you might get on any "kiss and
}    tell" story you sold to the press!
}
} 5. "... meeting the pope in Person..."
}    Against: I think the abundance of coffins and what-not in this
}    almost-certain one-road town in the back of beyond would be rather
}    tiring to the inhabitants of said shanty-town. What would the
}    purpose of such a meeting? Would you include or exclude the Avignon
}    Popes, or all the others who set themselves up at one time or
}    another in opposition to Rome's Vicar? Genetic tests to see if one
}    really was a Pope Joan? This needs careful thought, which I guess
}    rules this one out for you straight away.
}    For: We could only hope that Person is a tiny place, which the media
}    could not get to easily, and that you might all get stranded, then
}    us pagans could get on with our own lives in peace (or is that
}    Peace, the other tiny American town?)
}
} 6. "... meating the pope in Person..."
}    Against: All those listed in 2 and 4, above. Additionally, unless
}    Person is a place jam-packed full of Peep Shows (well, I guess its
}    one road may have room for one, next to the MacDonalds and the "Carl
}    Rogers' 'On becoming a person' Person Institute"), you may not able
}    to pursue this in a true monetarist money-grubbing manner.
}
} 7. "... meeting The Pope in Person..."
}    Against: All the reasons listed in 1 and 3, above. Additionally, are
}    you some speculator in real-estate around Person? Are you hoping to
}    get lots of rental from the "Popery Inns" or whatever? I must warn
}    you that the hotel industry is a precarious one, where fore-closures
}    are rife. Also, I must advise against opening a string of
}    restaurants or fast-ffod outlets for the group of religious persons
}    - After all, most of them would have to serve spaghetti, lasagne, or
}    pizza, with a smattering of Spanish food, one order of Fish and
}    Chips, and a similar order for Bortsch or Polish Sausage (see next
}    interpretation). The dangers of food poisoning with all that rotting
}    flesh and wood-splinters around around not be a good thing.
}    For: Well, look at the reasons given in alternative 5. You could
}    also ask him what it feels like to swallow a whole orange.
}
} 8. "... meating The Pope in Person..."
}    Against: The vast quantity of Polish Sausage that would be consumed.
}    For: The vast quantity of Polish sausage that would be consumed.
}
} You owe the Oracle one religious sect, one impure point on the Purity
} Test, and an application form to re-attend Kindergarten.


480-09    (37a58 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's your sign?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Neon.


480-10    (3db42 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most wise, who already knows who will win the 1995 World
> Series, tell me:
>
>    Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
>    the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
>    Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
>    And by opposing, end them.
>
> as asked by Hamlet himself in act III, scene i.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not this again.  Look, Shakey (only his friends call him that) was
} royally misquoted on that one, and I don't appreciate having to clear
} it up all the time.  Lemme dig up the original reference . . .
}
} *rustle rustle rustle*
}
} Nope, not in the sock drawer.  (gets up and walks to the closet)
}
} *rustle rustle rustle*
}
} Ah!  Here it is.  (picks the old manuscript out of a box)
}
} Now, lemme see where that quote is . . . ah, yes.
}
} "Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
}  the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
}  or to grab that old AK-47 and
}  blow those bastards sky high."
}
} He has always had trouble with that one; the Royals weren't fond of the
} line, and so he was censored.  C. F. Trubbles, by the way, was an old
} bill collector who had one too many dalliances with Shakey's dear bride
} -- and he didn't count on ol' Bill's temper, but then Shakey hadn't had
} enough sleep that night so he was already on edge . . .  Oh, well.
}
} I'll spare you the gory details.  ANYway, he was prevented from writing
} the allusion into his story (originally titled "Hamlet's Nighttime
} Lusts), so he had to warn off old C. F. another way.
}
} So, basically, if you're sleeping with the playwright's wife, then I'd
} take up a few arms.  Other than that, you're safe.
}
} You owe the Oracle a $100 bet on Cleveland in the `95 World Series.  (I
} know -- I *promise*, you make quite a killing.  In fact, I'll be happy
} to place that bet FOR you!  Oh, come ON, who are you going to believe
} your silly old common sense or the Usenet Oracle . . . ?)


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