[IO]
Internet Oracle
22 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:31:09 GMT

Internet Oracularities #482

Goto:
482, 482-01, 482-02, 482-03, 482-04, 482-05, 482-06, 482-07, 482-08, 482-09, 482-10


Usenet Oracularities #482    (30 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 24 Sep 1992 18:44:09 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   482
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

482   30 votes 4cb21 6c741 7c740 157e3 55b45 33e64 08i31 3259b 174g2 66a62
482   2.9 mean  2.5   2.4   2.3   3.4   3.0   3.2   2.9   3.8   3.4   2.7


482-01    (4cb21 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Genius of all who think,
> O ye who head the MENSA of the gods,
> Knower of how to balance a Federal Budget,
> Please tell me...
>
> What is the appendix in my body for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The appendix, in a book, is a part of the book used for the
} presentation of essential information which does not fit elsewhere
} in the book.
}
} Similarly, the appendix in the human body is the organ wherein
} resides the soul.
}
} Not surprisingly, this organ is vanishingly small.


482-02    (6c741 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, he that knows all of the words that rhyme with orange,
> he that makes the moon eclipse the sun on some occasions, except when
> it's night outside, but you could do that too even though I'm not sure
> how, please answer this lowly supplicant's dire question....
>
> What is my password?  I've forgotten it and now I don't dare log off
> for fear of not ever being able to log back on to read the bounty of
> wisdom you offer to us poor supplicants.  Please reply soonest -- I've
> been at this terminal for over sixteen hours and the computer room
> consultant keeps looking in my direction with a perplexed look on her
> face.
>
> In haste....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Sorry I took so long.  Someone asked me to formulate a realistic plan
} for eliminating the US Federal Deficit that doesn't involve mass
} murders, raised taxes/fees, reduced services, or quantum mechanics.)
}
} O gentle and security-conscious user,
}   Fear Not!
}   For your password is well known to others!
}
} Because of limitations specified in my contract, I may not give direct
} answers to questions, but I can answer in riddles or tell you how you
} may discover your password for yourself.
}
} Rejoyce!  I am supplying you with an infallible method for
} rediscovering the password for your account.  Below I am supplying you
} with the source of a C program which will produce a short list of
} passwords, one of which *WILL BE YOURS*:
}
} (Before you use this gift, remember that a wise mortal always makes
} complete backups of all work when he or she is about to follow advice
} given by the Oracle)
}
} ======================Cut Here=======================================
} #include <stdio.h>
}
} void recursive_password_generator(char *,int);
}
} main()
} {
}   char x[81];
}
}   x[0] = '\0';
}   recursive_password_generator(x,0);
} }
}
} void recursive_password_generator(char *password_so_far, int
} password_index)
} {
}   char new_password[81];
}   char trial_character;
}
}   for (trial_character = 0; trial_character < 256; trial_character++)
}     if (isgraph(trial_character))
}     {
}       strcpy(new_password, password_so_far);
}       new_password[password_index] = trial_character;
}       new_password[password_index+1] = '\0';
}       printf("%s\n",new_password);
}       if (password_index < 80)
}       recursive_password_generator(new_password, password_index + 1);
}     }
} }
}
} ==================Cut Here=============================================
}
} This program will generate a short list of all combinations of letters
} and numbers which form a word from 1 to 80 characters in length.  One
} of these strings will be your password.  While you are trying out the
} possible passwords from this list, it might be wise to begin applying
} for a new account.
}
} If you have any other questions, remember that I am always happy to
} help!
}
} Your fee is one copy of the movie Wargames.


482-03    (7c740 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh Oracle, who is as smart as Dan Quayle is thick, who knows
> how to intervene in such a way as to save the European monetary system,
> and who knows how many atoms there are in the Milky Way galaxy, I'd
> like to know the answer to the most difficult question of all:
>       Is Deckard a replicant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd rather count the atoms in the galaxy than repair the European
} economy...it's easier, and I don't have to learn French.
}
} Deckard is not a Replicant, he is a Presbyterian.  Dan Quayle is a
} Replicant.  You can tell by watching him when he listens to Lonesome
} George speak...he'll have the attentive, thoughtful expression a man
} who has accidentally given himself a wedgie.
}
} Marilyn Quayle is actually Madonna, seeking illicit thrills as a
} throwback to the 50's.  Barbara Bush is really Ethyl Merman.
}
} Strom Thurmond is Tom Petty in disguise, Newt Gingrich is...well, Newt
} Gingrich, okay, so what, and Tip O'Neill is really Shamu the Killer
} Whale.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Madonna's upcoming album, "Like a Moron."


482-04    (157e3 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Orrie,
>
> Remember me? I'm the fellow who paid your bill with newspapers from
> 3,975,420,001,895,563.98 years in the future. I know I said your
> rates are too expensive, and I swore I'd never ask you another
> question, but this time I'm in such a jam that only You can help.
>
> Here's what happened: about a month after I paid your bill, I was
> toodling around in the primitive past, and my time machine broke.
>
> You remember I had to hotwire the Kludgitron in my time machine to
> twice its normal voltage in order to get 3,975,420,001,895,563.98
> years into the future; well, I forgot to set it back, and
> *poof* >zap<! it broke and stranded me in 1992.
>
> A. D.
>
> Why couldn't I have just run out of fuel?
> Peanut butter, they've got.
> But no Kludgitrons.
> I'm stuck.
> Stranded.
>
> Well, it took me a few months, but I finally figured out how to
> reach You from here.
>
> Please Orrie, how can I get out of here?
>
> From what I remember of history, I really NEED to get out of here.
> Quickly.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course I remember you. I am omniscient after all.
}
} So, stuck in 1992. Not good. Not good at all.
}
} If you are anywhere near San Francisco, don't be.
}
} To fix your Kludgitron, you will need the following:
}
}    - two rolls of aluminium foil
}    - 18 wire coathangers (or just leave two in a dark place for a
}      while)
}    - a partly chewed stick of bubble gum
}    - a pedal-powered church organ
}    - a 12 volt car battery, with only half of the cells working
}
} The peanut butter you got (just make sure its smooth, not crunchy).
}
} So, go to the back of your Kludgitron, open the panel on the lower left
} and pull out the connector rack. Straighten out the hooks on 16 of the
} coathangers and plug the ends into the 16 sockets in the lower half of
} the rack. Wrap the foil around the coathangers.
}
} Next, connect the control input of the Kludgitron to the organ (use the
} gum for this, as the cables will not fit neatly. The required standards
} for the Organ Driven Kludgitron Interface will nto be available for
} another 2500 years).
}
} Finally, place the battery in front of the organ, and hook the
} remaining 2 coathangers onto the battery terminals. Make sure they
} point north-south.
}
} Spread the peanut butter over the seat of the organ. Sit down at the
} organ. Play. Anything. Just don't touch the A above middle-C until I
} say. Keep playing (this will take a while - you are transferring the
} multi-tone resonance output from the organ into the Kludgitron). Don't
} touch the A above middle-C yet (it is the trigger resonance that will
} tell the Kludgitron to pull in the battery power - it is only half
} charged because we need to reverse the double charge you used to get
} here).
}
} Ok get ready. Keep playing. Hold your breath. Here we go. When I say,
} press the A above middle-C key. Ready. Now.
}
} What? Oh  - nothing happened. Well, what did you expect? This is 1992.
} They don't have time travel yet. Sure was fun, though.
}
} You don't owe the oracle anything - you already paid the price.


482-05    (55b45 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most knowing Oracle,
>   The being who taught Perseus the secret of fire,
>   The deity who taught Mars and Apollo war,
>   Who showed Posideon how to swim,
>   Please hear this wreched mortal and tell me..
>
>   The typical American university has raised tuition at several times
>   the inflationary rate over the past few years.  Where is all this
>   money going?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    One for the university, one, two, three, four, five for the
} oracle. One for the university, one, two, three, four, five for
} the oracle. One for...
}
}    Sorry, what was that you said?
}
}    You owe the oracle (incarnated as bof@cs.uq.oz.au) prompt
} payment of your tuition fees.


482-06    (33e64 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Actually,                 And
}      Beginning                 Began
}      Circa 1923,               Changing
}      Deaf                      Designs.
}      Engineers                 Eventually,
}      Found                     Few
}      Great                     Guys
}      Help                      Hung
}      In                        In.
}      Just                      Jason
}      Keeping                   Kept
}      Little,                   Listing
}      Microscopic               Mondo
}      Notes                     New
}      On                        Oracularities
}      Pulsars and               Plus
}      Quasars.                  Questions
}      Really!                   Right
}      Since                     Silly
}      The                       To
}      Uses                      Us.
}      Varied,                   Very
}      We'd                      Weird
}      Xerox                     Xplanation,
}      Your                      You think?
}      Zagnuts                   ZOT!
}
} You owe the Oracle directions to Sesame Street.


482-07    (08i31 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, whose sweat socks I would gladly inhale and beg for more,
> grant this supplicant an answer to a vexing question:
>
> Why do people say, "Cheaters never prosper" when it's quite obvious
> they often do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To understand how this saying came to be you need to know how it was
} coined. Because the truth is that most of these old sayings have been
} taken right out of their original context.
}
} It all started in pre-historic times, in the days of the cave men. Boy
} were your ancestors dumb. They were so dumb that they could only count
} to five because they used the index finger on one hand to count the
} fingers of the other. Then they lost count when they tried to switch
} hands.
}
} As you can imagine, I did not have a difficult job in those days. When
} I felt like some amusement I would go down from Delphi and visit some
} cave men, and let them ask me some questions. The most difficult was
} "Where do babies come from ?". The hard part was getting them to
} understand my answers. Since there was obviously no Usenet, I only
} answered queries when I felt like some fun.
}
} Anyway, getting back to the point, the cave men's favorite ( and often
} only ) sport was mammoth hunting. And frankly they were hopeless at it.
} If it were not for the end of the Ice Age those hairy mammoths would
} lasted much longer. When the cave men attacked the mammoths they would
} all stand back and throw their spears. Most would miss, and the few
} that did reach would only cause flesh wounds. The cave men came to
} regard anything different as cheating. They were mostly too dumb to
} think of any other way of killing a mammoth. Occasionally a slightly
} smarter cave man would run up to the mammoth get underneath and stick
} the spear up it's belly. Unfortunately, the strain of actually thinking
} of a different way of doing things was so much that the poor cave man
} would not think of the next obvious step, which was to run away before
} the mammoth fell on top of him. It was in reference to these foolhardy
} hunters that the cave men coined the phrase "Cheaters never prosper."
}
} This saying was passed along to successive generations of your species
} as great wisdom. And whilst your ancestors were too dumb to know how to
} get away with cheating it was in fact quite accurate. However,
} evolution has made this ancient saying invalid. It should be thrown
} just like other outdated sayings such as "It's not whether you win or
} lose, but how you play the game."
}
} You owe the Oracle a coin with two heads.


482-08    (3259b dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      It began with a dame.  They all do.  She was like all the rest,
> with deep brown eyes and long hair to match.  She walked in to my
> office and sat in my only chair.  I sat on the desk as it creaked in
> protest.  "What can I do for ya?" I asked.
>
>      She looked at me like I was a side dish she hadn't ordered.  "They
> say you can find out anything, that you have a special source that
> nobody else can get to.  I need your help."
>
>      "Help like mine doesn't come cheap.  How much is my help worth
> you?"
>
>      She tossed a small bag on the table.  Inside was a box of
> Milk-Bones, Geraldo's left nostril, Dan Quayle's presidential material,
> and a Fredricks of Olympus catalog.  Perfect! I thought.  I can get the
> Big O's collectors off my back at last!
>
>      "All right, lady, ya got yourself a detective.  What do you want
> to know?"
>
>      Then she asked it.  Of all the questions I never wanted to hear
> again, of all the cases I wanted closed forever, she asked the big one.
> "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
> wood?"  She left me her phone number and walked out without another
> word.
>
>      Over the next week I walked through more slimey holes than you'd
> think they could fit in one city, but it was no use.  Either everyone
> in this town had gone stupid or someone out there didn't want me to
> know how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
> wood.
>
>      After a long nap and a longer drink, I decided it was no use.  I'd
> have to go to the Big O for the information. I hauled myself over to my
> file and pulled out the Grovel folder.  I found one I hadn't used
> before, and began typing.
>
> "Dear Oracle,
>
> "    You who are truly the greatest informant of all time.  It is you
> who told Nero how to hold the fiddle as the flames towered about him.
> It is you who told the wise men how to find Bethlahem.  Please answer
> the query of this unworthy supplicant, this worm unworthy to dream of
> licking your boots.  Please spare me your wrath as you see me unworthy
> question.  Please remember my account is currently in balance.
>
> "    I must know, 'How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck
> could chuck wood?'
>
> "                             Signed,
>
> "                             Cal Club, Private Investigator"
>
> I sent off the letter and hoped an answer would arrive soon...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Our visitor is none other than Inspector LeStrade of the Yard."
}
} I sat up, thunderstruck, with one of those baffled looks which Holmes
} seemed to find so amusing. "Amazing! How do you know it is him?  Some
} sort of rhythm to his knocking?"
}
} "No," Holmes said, rising from his seat,"It's the fact that he is
} threatening to come back with a warrant if we don't answer the door.
} That tells me that he is a police officer.I know that he's LeStrade
} because he takes the trouble to reassure us that he is not a creditor.
} Only someone who knows us well would bother to point that out, and
} LeStrade knows us better than any other policeman I know. Elementary,
} really."
}
} "Extraordinary, Holmes!" I said, laying it on a bit thick, "Really
} quite brilliant!" I would have gone on at some length, but at this
} point the door fell in with a splintering crash (a most appropriate
} noise, for Inspector LeStrade (for indeed it was he without) had
} crashed the door to splinters.) LeStrade stormed into our presence. He
} appeared troubled.
}
} "See here, Holmes.  A bit of a situation has come up.  Frankly, all of
} us police officer types are absolutely baffled.  Furthermore, we freely
} admit that we are baffled and come to you, a civilian for help."
} LeStrade went on with his grovelling for a while. But in the meantime
} Holmes was whispering to me.
}
} "Make a note of this Watson. Events lately have seemed rather
} incredible. I am beginning to suspect that we are but characters in a
} story of some sort, and a rather contrived one at that." Holmes would
} have said more, but LeStrade was beginning to get around to his point.
}
} Apparently a certain Mr T----- had been taking his pet wallaby out for
} an evening stroll when a meteorite of some description had suddenly
} fall out of the sky at his feet.  He had been quite surprised to find
} that the meteorite was nothing other than a contused, burned human body
} which had seemingly fallen out of the sky.  He had set his wallaby to
} guard the corpse and himself to fetching the police.
}
} "Let us go to where the body lays at once!" Holmes cried.  Holmes may
} be good at detecting, but I'm the writer.  "Lies." I said.  I would
} have gone on to explain that one can "lay" a body down, but that the
} body itself "lies". But LeStrade misunderstood my remark.
}
} "So, you have seen through my tissue of falsehoods," LeStrade said.
} But it was not really LeStrade, as I discovered when the figure before
} us removed his LeStrade mask, revealing a glowing figure underneath.
}
} "Why, this can be none other than the UseNet Oracle in disguise,"Holmes
} said. "I'd know that longwinded, cliche-ridden manner of speech
} anywhere.Good show, Watson!  Do you realize you've managed to detect a
} disguised immortal being?"
}
} "Er," I said, and was prepared to go on in that vein for a while, but
} Holmes had other plans.
}
} "So tell me, Oh Oracle whose fleecy locks never need conditioner, whose
} nasal flange is stronger than granite, who leaks wisdom..." (Holmes was
} always a stickler for protocol) "...every last ever lovin' spoonful of
} goodness, why did you really come to us?"
}
} The Oracle struck a thoughtful pose, looked out the window with a
} guarded stare (or did he stare out the window with a guarded look?),
} and began: "Recently I had to kill a pulp detective.  He asked The
} Question which Must Not Be Asked Assuming You Want To Avoid Bloodshed.
} I see you are startled at my confession.  Do not be.  I, an immortal,
} feel no remorse at killing one of your puny kind.  Besides, as a native
} of Olympus, I have diplomatic immunity.  Anyhow, I'm worried about a
} friend of this guy coming along and hunting me down. Remember--he's a
} pulp detective; Spade and Archer set a precedent for this sort of
} thing.  You owe the Oracle a way out of this situation."
}
} "Are you sure he's the Oracle?" I asked Holmes, "He seems to refer to
} himself in the first person a lot."  Holmes ignored me.
}
} "I fear you are doomed.  I suppose it might be possible to hide from a
} pulp detective, but those detectives who are seeking revenge,
} especially revenge for a lost partner, are almost impossible to evade.
} And good hiding places are so hard to come by."  Holmes appeared
} baffled.
}
} "Well, at least I got Dan Quayle's presidential material. I could use a
} good laugh." The Oracle appeared at the brink of despair.  Holmes
} suddenly looked inspired.
}
} "Of course!  Quayle's presidential material is quite small and
} impossible to discern!  You need but hide within, and not even the most
} steadfast detective will ever find you!"
}
} "Gee, that's swell," Said the Oracle, who immediately disappeared from
} view.
}
} "Astonishing!" I exclaimed. "Marvellous, quite shrewd!"  I figured the
} case was pretty much closed, and was thus rather free with my
} adjectives. "Holmes, you've done it again.  Say, was that really the
} Oracle?  Who was that masked being, anyhow?"
}
} "It's always hard to judge identity when it comes to immortals, my dear
} Watson," he said, "but he left us Geraldo Rivera's left nostril."


482-09    (174g2 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most divine magnet of the opposite sex, whose semi-immortal
>   offspring run freely across the campuses of 1968...
>
> Why are the Freshwomen at Purdue so good looking this year, when last
>   year's class was pitiful?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Riiiinnnggg.... riiinnnngggg...
}
} "Hello, David Letterman's office, may I help you?"
}
} "Yes, this is the Usenet Oracle calling.  Is Dave around?"
}
} "Sure, just a minute...."
}
} "Hi Orrie!  Dave speaking... what's up?"
}
} "Hi Dave, got another one for you.  I need the top ten reasons for the
} freshman women at Purdue being better looking this year than last
} year."
}
} "Geez, you'd think those lowlifes would come up with something a little
} more interesting than THAT!!"
}
} "Yeah, well, that's why they're lowlifes.  So how about it??"
}
} "Ok, ok.  Here goes...."
}
} Top 10 Reasons that the Freshwomen at Purdue are so good looking this
} year, when last year's class was pitiful:
} 10. They lowered their minimum SAT score requirement.
} 9.  Any woman looks good to a desperate man.
} 8.  The University is trying to attract more good football players.
} 7.  They started offering cheerleading scholarships.
} 6.  Women always look better to guys who are drunk.
} 5.  What else did people in Indiana have to do during that blizzard in
}     1974?
} 4.  The local Kmart had a back-to-school sale on Spandex this
}     year.
} 3.  They aren't really from Purdue.
} 2.  The Dean of Admissions just got a divorce.
} 1.  Evolution.
}
} You owe the Oracle an apartment on campus and a pair of binoculars.


482-10    (66a62 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> Sometimes I feel like a motherless child.
>
> Right now, I feel listless. Can you make me a list?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle's Top Ten Reasons why you shouldn't be so upset:
}
} 10.   Microsoft could be run by a short whiny computer nerd with
}       bad breath AND really bad P.M.S.
} 9.    The End of the World will occur in 6 billion and 63 years
}       from now, not the highly incorrect but oft cited estimate of
}       6 billion and 62 years
} 8.    Dan Quayle is going to be voted out of office Real Soon Now
} 7.    The psychotic axe-murder standing behind you could be holding
}       two hatchets instead of just one
} 6.    Ex-con Cocaine-addict and alcoholic ex-Mayor Marrion Barry was
}       voted into office as Delegate of Ward 8 in Washington D.C.
} 5.    The number of "woodchuck" queries is down 50% due to a totally
}       unconnected 50% rise of <ZOT> requests
} 4.    The Bronco netrek server is up and running once again
} 3.    Usenet Oracularities will be broadcast to every home in the
}       country by 1998 and t-shirts of Kinzler will be available for
}       $100 donations to the PBS telethons
} 2.    A well-rested Nixon is about to announce his intention to run for
}       the 1996 Republican Presidential Candidacy
}
} and the number one reason why you shouldn't feel so upset...
}
} 1.    Your Mother could be Roseanne Barr


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org