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Internet Oracularities #483

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483, 483-01, 483-02, 483-03, 483-04, 483-05, 483-06, 483-07, 483-08, 483-09, 483-10


Usenet Oracularities #483    (36 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 27 Sep 1992 15:54:05 -0500

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   483
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

483   36 votes 9ab42 6e871 ha801 4de41 72f75 cg323 74e56 72ac5 267d8 5ad53
483   2.7 mean  2.4   2.5   1.8   2.6   3.0   2.1   3.0   3.2   3.5   2.8


483-01    (9ab42 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle who sees without seeing and knows
> without knowing, please tell me, your humble supplicant, if a tree
> falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a
> sound?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [A placid but ascetic temple.  A bad imitation of Chinese music twangs
} discordantly in the background, occasionally punctuated by the muttered
} curses of the musicians.  A painfully thin boy with a shaved head, clad
} in a saffron robe, kneels before a wise old man, who gazes down at him
} in a benign but condescending manner.]
}
} Boy: Master, I do not understand this question.
}
} Master: Of course not, Grasshopper; questions you understand do not
} stretch your mind.
}
} Boy: What a crock!  Do you expect me to swallow this malarkey?
}
} Master: Certainly, Grasshopper.  How else can you achieve serenity and
} universal knowledge?
}
} Boy: Serenity!?  Universal knowledge!!??  HA!  [drawing large caliber
} revolver] Take THAT [BLAM!] you overbearing, smug, self-satisfied old
} FART! [BLAM! BLAM!]
}
} Master: Gaak.
}
} Musicians: Twang.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tape recorder.


483-02    (6e871 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orcacle, whose powers stretch below the imagination.  And the being who
> knows all the boundaries.  Please tell me this in exchange for a pat on
> the back and a pizza: What is the reason for exams to exist and who is
> the idiot who invented them.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once upon a time, a headhunter for a large bureaucratic organization
} (which shall remain nameless) had hired a computer science major for
} an Operating System design team who claimed on his resume that he had
} "significant Unix system administration skills and experience" but in
} fact, he had only taken two semesters of Pascal and Cobol programming.
} Although the newly graduated programmer was soon promoted to manage the
} overall design of Ultrix, the headhunter was shat upon by an upset
} vice-president for his mistake and warned that he would be force fed
} VMS code should he fail again.
}
} Distressed with how 99% of the world lie on about 99% of their resumes,
} he wanted a fool-proof way to figure out a person's skills just from
} how they talked, how they dressed, what they ate, and how big his head
} was. In short, he wanted to be able to walk into a room of college
} seniors or recent college graduates to pick out who actually could type
} 100 wpm, who could calculate the penetration of a certain radio
} frequency into a pile of tofu at 42.4 degrees Celsius, who could spit
} into a bucket 100 feet away, etc.
}
} So he snivelled to me, "Please Oh Great One, tell me how I can make my
} job easier?"  And I, in my ultimate wisdom, replied, "Tell Ken Olsen
} about it. He'll eat anything.  Tell him to give large monetary and
} computer grants to educational institutions around the world.  Tell the
} teachers to institute a program to cultivate their progenies, to change
} their way of life.  For this will allow us to hire the proper people
} for the proper jobs.  And no other company could take advantage of this
} slick and underhanded scheme because it is intuitively obvious that VMS
} is the "fastest" and "most beautiful" operating system in the world,
} and no-one would dare work for any other company 'sides us.  So mote it
} be."
}
} So he said this unto his boss, and she to her boss, etc. until Ken
} Olsen was told of this plan.  And he thought and ruminated upon this
} plan.  And he called a board meeting and said, "Hey, I have a really
} wifty plan to make IBM wet their pants."  And so his new plan was swept
} into action.  And our poor headhunter was shat upon again.
}
} So within months, exams came into form and being.  Professors hinted
} strongly about how they should study long and hard and commit long
} and tedious words into their memory.  Professors of some of the more
} technical were soon forced to change their clothes.  Computers were
} heralded as a new time-saving tool, and subliminal messages such as
} "BUSINESS MAJORS MUST DRINK A KILO-LITER OF BEER A NIGHT", "RECESSIVE
} BIOLUMINESENCE GENETIC TRAIT PATTERNS", and "WEAR PLAID WHEN GOING ON A
} DATE" were placed into computer screens across the world, displayed far
} too fast for any one to actually see but just often enough to affect
} the brain.
}
} And soon, people started to change.  You could go to a party and figure
} out who's a computer geek by whether they say "send me mail", who's a
} physical ed major by whether they look big and burly and talk about
} "failing urine tests", and who's an economist if they mention 'marks'
} and 'pounds' in the same sentence without talking about "SlimFast".
}
} In the end, almost anyone could tell who was what just by talking to
} them and muttering the magical ancient mystical phrase "So watze Yamay
} J'r". The headhunter was unable to convince anyone with any brains to
} come work for his company, was shat upon by his boss for hiring
} complete doofus-es once more before being fired, and the big ominious
} company lay shattered, tattered, and in ruins.
}
} I will use you for an example.
}
} From your references to power and electrical boundary conditions, your
} diet, and your academic arrogance, you are obviously an Electrical
} Engineer. Since you are so well versed in the studies of electricity,
} you are no doubt familiar high intensity charged entities.  I will help
} you in your education; you will become very familiar with a large
} directed mother-of-all lightning-bolts static electrical charge, i.e.
} <ZOT>
}
} You owe The Oracle a real grovel and a can of Deviled Spam.


483-03    (ha801 dist, 1.8 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXB.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>               O Most Popperian Oracle,
>
> Now that the French have had their referendum on the Maastricht treaty:
> when only 69.95% of the voters bothered to vote and only 51.5% of their
> votes were 'yea', how can the politicians say it passed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Never underestimate the power of politicians to manipulate results.
} After all, a British government once got in when more people voted for
} the opposition parties.
}
} Besides, the Danes rejected it, and the German Bundesbank have spoken
} out against it. Don't worry, it will never happen.
}
} You owe the Oracle a concerted attack on the Mark, forcing it out of
} the ERM.


483-04    (4de41 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and mighty Oracle on high,
> Look down upon this plaintiff; hear my plea:
> I am no master poet; tell me why
> Do women always want love poetry?
> Like Shakespeare did for young Miss Hathaway
> (Though I am nothing like that famous Will),
> My girlfriend wants a sonnet every day,
> Yet such endeavor is beyond my skill.
> It seems unreasonable to expect
> A man to cough up pretty lines at whim,
> And yet she would accuse him of neglect;
> I ask you, Sir: what will become of him?
> O Oracle from whom all blessings flow,
> Please answer me (and tell me what I owe).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O tiny little supplicant below
} I'm looking down upon you as I write.
} You happy?  Good. Now, what you want to know
} Is why you have to write a poem despite
} Having not the literary skill
} That God has given to the chimpanzee.
} It seems to me your girlfriend's heart is filled
} With dreams of dancing most romantically.
} She hopes that you will someday sweep her off
} Her feet, and carry her away to lands
} Unknown, where you and she will have enough
} Of love and faith.  But you must understand
} That 'though you live with her, as man and wife,
} To take your love for granted would inspire
} Her to set your silly male ass on fire.
}
} You owe the Oracle a haiku.


483-05    (72f75 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, my Oracle, whose verdant pastures cause no hayfever, whose
> creative juices flow beyond all bounds, whose understanding dwarfs
> even really really big things, whose Sweet Baboo Lisa is righteously
> babular, upon whose countenance I may not gaze for prolonged periods
> for fear of potential retina damage, guide me with your wisdom and your
> all-encompassing brainage.
>
> Tell me:
>
> Why does i come before e except after c?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because i is a hot little bastard and a bit nervous about his
} performance. e, on the other hand, is more phlegmatic and waits for i
} to come first.  She then chides i pitylessly.
}
} However, when i is calmer, he can control himself for a longer time and
} comes after e.  A visit to his mistress c earlier in the night can
} bring about such an effect.
}
} You owe the Oracle a skin flick starring x and o.


483-06    (cg323 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most magnanimous oracle, whose mouth is not worthy of the IU
>   computers on which it resides!
>
> Why does Purdue always beat I.U. at basketball?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look,
}
}   That chicken guy may look kinda wimpy, but when you make as much
} money as he does, you can afford some serious training.
}
} You owe the oracle a dozen grade A extra large eggs.


483-07    (74e56 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Most Wise and Knowing Oracle, please quench my curiosity:
>
> How much wood could a woodchuck get up, in the presence of an
> attractive female woodchuck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scene: The Oracle's headquarters.  Sitting at many banks of computer
} terminals are the priesthood of the Oracle.  The Oracle Himself sits
} on a throne towards the back of the room, eating grapes peeled by Lisa.
} One of the priests gasps, wrings his hands, swallows slowly, then gets
} out of his chair and approaches the Oracle.
}
} Priest: Umm...oh, Great Oracle, whose wondrous visage is rightfully
} likened to a great and powerful dawn, that...
}
} Oracle: (interupting) Yes, loyal priest, what is it?
}
} Priest: Well, there's this problem, I mean a query, more like...
}
} Oracle: What is it? What is the question about?
}
} Priest: (very quietly) Umm...sir, the supplicant seeks information...
} that is to say the question deals...what I mean...well, woodchucks,
} sir.
}
} Oracle: (rising) WOODCHUCKS!?!?  Where?
}
} Priest points to the terminal which still displays:
} > How much wood could a woodchuck get up, in the presence of an
} > attractive female woodchuck?
}
} Oracle: Well, that's not so bad, at least not grounds for an automatic
} ZOT.
}
} Priest: It isn't?
}
} Oracle: No, I'll just go find out the answer myself. *POOF*
}
} Scene: The forest.  More specifically, the woods near the dwelling of
} Manassas Mike, the world's only talking woodchuck.  Mike is resting
} outside his hole.
}
} Oracle: (appearing in a *POOF*) Hello, Mike.  I was wondering if you
} could answer a question about...
}
} Mike: What? Not another woodchuck question!!  Haven't I suffered
} enough? Every day, is "How much wood" this and "How much wood" that,
} and I'm tired...
}
} Oracle: No, it's not that.
}
} Mike: Really. Okay, what's the question?
}
} Oracle: How much wood could a...
}
} Mike: NOOOO!!!
}
} Mike lunges at the Oracle, attempting to bite him several times, and
} yelling "Chuck _this_!"
}
} Oracle: Oh, hell. *ZOT*
}
} Oracle returns to headquarters, and calls the priest over.
}
} Oracle: Take a message and send it to the supplicant. Begin. Answer to
} your query unavailable.  Please do not ask again. Paragraph. You owe
} the Oracle a talking woodchuck that He can give to the town of
} Manassas. End message.
}
} Priest shuffles back to his terminal.  Oracle resumes eating grapes.


483-08    (72ac5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: ORACLE
>
> "Orrie!"
>
> "Yes Lisa?"
>
> "The mail is here!"
>
> "Give it to the accountants so they can balance the supplicants'
> accounts."
>
> "No, wait, here's a package that isn't paying off an account.  It's a
> gift."
>
> "A gift!  For me?"
>
> "It's for both of us, Orrie.  I'll open it."
>
> [Lisa sits down on the couch and begins unwrapping the large box.
> After unwrapping layers of tissue paper, she uncovers a large egg.  The
> egg cracks open, and Dan Quayle looks up with his big brown eyes and
> says: ]
>
> "Mama!"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: "Damn!  ANOTHER one?  That's the third bad egg this week..."
}
} Lisa: "Now calm down, Orrie... look, there's a note inside..."
}
}       "Deare Mistere Oraclee:
}        I regrett thatt aye amm unnablee to tayke caree of myy littel
}        eggg. I knoww you can givee him a good hom, warrm foode, and a
}        chanse at tha Presedenssy.
}                                   --- Love and respectte,
}                                       Thee Reublicann Partyyye"
}
} Oracle: "Geesh!  WHY do they always send them to ME... WHY do *I* get
}        all the pity cases?"
}
} Lisa: [tickling lil' Dan under the chin] "gootchie goo!  gootchie goo!
}        Aw, look, Orrie... he's so cute and harmless... can't we keep
}        him?"
}
} O: "Now look, Lisa..."
}
} L: "Pleeease..."
}
} O: "..but.."
}
} L: "PLEEEASE..."
}
} O: "...but...but you know that I'm not good around kids.  Look what
}    happened last time."
}
} L: [throwing her arms in the air] "Oh, PLEASE!  You're not going to
}    start on that River-thing again, are you?!"
}
} O: "Yes, I *am* going to start, and that was 'Watergate', by the way."
}
} L: "Look, I've told you a thousand times, that wasn't your fault.  He
}    probably learned it from one of the kids in Congress, that's all.
}    You were a *fine* role model for the boy."
}
} Dan: "goofer..dadder..mama!"
}
} L: "awww... look at him, Orrie.  He wants to be held by his da-da!"
}
} O: "I am *not* his da-da, er, father!  I dunno, Lisa, I just don't
}    think I'd be a good influence on the boy -- what he needs is some
}    sort of discipline, maybe go to a private school or join the
}    National Guard..."
}
} Dan: [anxiously] "NA!...NA!!..NOOO NA-GA!...NA!...NA!...NOOOOOO!
}      DA-DA!" [crying] "da-da...no na-ga...da-da..."
}
} L: "Orrie!  You scared him!  You know better than to say the G-U-A-R-D
}     word!  Now look what you've done..."
}
} O: "Sorry, Lese, but that's exactly what I mean.  I may know All There
}     Is To Know, but I'm still lousy with kids -- especially infants."
}
} L: "Well... I understand some of your fears, but don't worry!  You'll
}    make a great da-da..."
}
} Dan: "DA-DA!"
}
} O: "Yes, well, maybe it won't be so bad once he starts school..."
}
} Dan: [hysterical] "SCHOO!...NO SCHOO!...NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!....NO
}      SCHOO DA-DA!"
}
} L: "Hmm... looks like he doesn't want yo go to you-know-where, either.
}     I guess that's not a big surprise.  Well, I suppose we can just
}     keep him around, maybe he can help you with your job!"
}
} O: [stunned] "...help...me...HIM?"
}
} L: "Sure, you know, maybe take out the trash, bring coffee, answer a
}     few questions now and then..."
}
} O: "...him...help ME?...him...ANSWER questions?"
}
} Dan: "POTATOE!"
}
} L: "Orrie!  Did you hear that?!  He spoke his first silent e!"
}
} O: "him...help ME..."
}
} L: "oh...Orrie...I just know we'll all be so happy together...and
}     besides, now that he's here in our Sanctum, he's immortal, just
}     like you and me!"
}
} O: "him...IMMORTAL!?...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"
}
} [suddenly the ground quakes, the walls burst into flames, and the
}  Oracle falls out of bed]
}
} Lisa: "...huh?...mmmmm...Orrie....it's 3 in the morning...what are you
}        doing?"
}
} Oracle: "...hmm...oh, sorry hun...bad nightmare...terrible dream...go
}          back to sleep..."
}
} Lisa: "...mmm...'nite Orrie"
}
} Oracle: "g'night Lisa"
}
} Lisa: "'nite, son"
}
} H. Ross: "'nite mama"
}
} [suddenly the ground quakes...]


483-09    (267d8 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
>   What's the worst pun you can think of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} September 25th.  It was a quiet day at the office, and my partner
} Tran Thursday had just finished talking on the phone.  He told me
} this looks like the big one, Oracle, when he hung up the phone.  It
} made sense for him to call me that, since he was talking to me.
} My name's Oracle. I carry a badge.
}
} (DUM DE DUM DUM)
}
} [Voice: The story you are about to read is true.  The names are
} unchanged to avoid a copyright infringement suit with that _other_
} show.]
}
} The call had come in at 6:32 in the evening.  Some poor supplicant
} wanted to know the worst pun I could think of.  The poor guy was
} in for a shock.  I'm not allowed to be funny.  Not when I'm on duty.
}
} (DUM DE DUM DUM)
}
} But there was something in his simple, straight-forward, no-grovel,
} asking-for-a-*ZOT* manner that made me want to give this guy an
} answer.  So me and Tran headed down to the garage to get our squad
} car and hit the usual places.  Unfortunately, some crook had stolen
} the car.  So Tran and I were forced to take alternate transportation.
} As we were riding to our first stop in an address bus, Tran told me
} things can only get wierder.
}
} (DUM DE DUM DUM)
}
} We arrived at the terminal just outside the Space Bar, a little dive
} where interesting bits of information were always turning up.  At 7:20
} we talked to the waiter Pascal.  This Frenchman had a way with words,
} and it was standard procedure to speak with him for variable reasons.
}
} (DUM DE DUM DUM)
}
} Pascal gave us two good leads, but there wasn't time to check them
} both together.  I went to go see Ada, while Tran headed to the
} residence of one character who could barely stay on this side of the
} law, one Edward MacCallister.  This shady businessman also lisps.  But
} I can't arrest people for their programming habits.
}
} (DUM DE DUM DUM)
}
} I arrived at Ada's place at 7:57.  She at first appeared to be heading
} out for the evening, but the presence of a man with a badge gave her
} good reason to call it a night.  I asked her about puns.  She said
} she might know about them, but what did I think about them.  Some
} people think puns are funny, some don't.  Me, I get paid no matter my
} opinions, so I don't grep.  Not in public anyhow.  Then she told me
} how manly I looked wearing a badge, and how much more manly I would
} look without it or any extraneous clothing.  I knew that her
} flirtations were a text, but I wasn't going to vi for her attentions.
} That made her mad, so she wouldn't talk.  My only choice was to take
} her in to the workstation.
}
} (DUM DE DUM DUM)
}
} We left her place at 11:14 and headed over to pick up Tran.  We
} arrived at E. Mac's place at 12:03.  Finding to front door open, me and
} Ada headed inside.  What we found was very graphic.  Ada screamed and
} hit a decimal usually found at concerts and major airports.  E. Mac and
} Tran were dead, shot through the heart.  Tran's gun was still in the
} holster.  For Tran to be surprised like that meant only one thing: he'd
} been shot by someone he knew.
}
} (DUM DE DUM DUM)
}
} I quickly ran though the list of characters that had been introduced
} thus far.  My brain was now functioning, and I cursed myself for
} thinking the case was as basic as it first looked.  There were so many
} clues I didn't C.  I recursed myself and then took Ada with me back
} to the Space Bar.  It was empty except for Pascal.  He remarked what
} a slow evening it had been; he hadn't been tipped much.  Lucky for
} him, his other job pays well, I told him.  He acted suprised, and
} maybe he was. All the clues had just come together seconds ago. I
} told him this all worked to well, like someone's evil .plan.
}
} (DUM DE DUM DUM)
}
} The two leads Pascal had given forced me and Tran to split up, since
} our car was stolen earlier today.  While Ada flirted with me, Pascal
} followed Tran and shot him and E. Mac.  Pascal returned here well
} before he knew Ada would let me go.  I had been following the
} group Ada and Pascal started, the Foundation to Terminate Punning.
} My major stumlbing block in tracking them down was that FTP operatives
} could work anonymously.  So when they heard the call come in, wanting
} a pun, they figured offing me and Tran would make us a lesson to
} punners everywhere.
}
} (DUM DE DUM DUM)
}
} Pascal assured me this was all very clever, but now the time had come
} for him to kill me.  I told him it would be a waste of a good bullet,
} because the cops were already here.  And they were.  Pascal and Ada
} looked around in surprise.  They had known the riscs, but they didn't
} know the modem of my work.  I stopped talking in this monotone long
} enough to phone over to the station to request back-ups.  And they
} were here.
}
} (DUM DE DUM DUM)
}
} As Ada was being led away, she turned to me and called me a disc.  I
} told her to save her breath.  The labor would be very hard where she's
} going.  She glared and me and asked if I was making a joke.  I smiled
} and didn't tell her.  She would have known I can't joke on duty.  She
} would have known, that is, if she had read the prolog.
}
} (DUM DE DUM DUM)
}
} You owe the Oracle a squad car, a new partner, and a question that
} doesn't deal with puns.


483-10    (5ad53 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please favor this lowly earthworm ear mite with an
> an answer to a question which troubles my miniscule cerebral node:
>
> If the Oracle (most wise and benevolent) exists solely on the Usenet
> (may its name be praised for it is an instrument of the Oracle),
> in the absence of the Usenet, would the Oracle (all powerful and
> mighty) cease to be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has pondered your question with the infinitesimal fraction
} of His brain which was required. (Nice obsequiousness, by the way.)
}
} First, let Me clear up a point of confusion that seems to have clouded
} your question: The Oracle (Most Holy Me) *does not* exist solely on the
} Usenet. The Oracle is Omnipresent, a lovely word beginning with "O",
} also the first letter in My name. Omnipresence is the trait of existing
} simultaneously at all points in space. So although you may witness the
} terrestrial manifestation of My divine self through this insignificant
} electronic medium solely, that does not mean it is My sole soapbox upon
} which to stand.
}
} Having gotten that out of the way, let Me consider your question more
} thoroughly. Yes...yes, as I thought. The Reality simulator backs up My
} claim, also.
}
} In the absence of the Usenet, the Oracle would not cease to be. You,
} however, and all the other supplicants who persist in pestering Me with
} incessant questions about Wood and Chuck (two mafia thugs I'm
} considering renting contracts with), would.
}
} Hmmm....
}
} What an entertaining notion. If I use my Omnipotence (another lovely
} "O" word...there is also "Omniorgasm", something Lisa has just recently
} managed to perfect), I can manifest a switch right about...there.
}
} If I pull this switch, the Usenet (and all the supplicants who are the
} bane of My existence--you think it's easy being Omniscient? You try it
} sometime) will cease to be. You know, I think I *will* pull this
} switch. In five seconds, puny mortals, you and your kind will have
} never existed! I will have wiped your scourge from the electronic
} highways! HA HA HA HA!!!
}
} <5>
}
} <4>
}
} <3>
}
} Oh, by the way, you owe the Oracle <2> an eternity's supply of Hostess'
} new Chocolicious <1> snack, a treat which no deity should ever be
} without. Lisa, come watch <***Commencing Destruction of Usenet***>
} this! I'm getting rid of those supplicants once and f


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