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Internet Oracularities #484

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484, 484-01, 484-02, 484-03, 484-04, 484-05, 484-06, 484-07, 484-08, 484-09, 484-10


Usenet Oracularities #484    (36 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 29 Sep 1992 15:46:42 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   484
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

484   36 votes 99b43 4g970 a6a64 2ai33 366h4 67e72 65g72 5ab82 56da2 369b7
484   2.9 mean  2.5   2.5   2.7   2.9   3.4   2.8   2.8   2.8   2.9   3.4


484-01    (99b43 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omnipotent one, whose snot is like nectar, whose farts are like
> april blossoms, whose burps are like the sweetest melodies please tell
> me this one thing.
> Will I ever get laid??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O supplicant, unfortunately 'laid' is already a combination of
} characters that forms a word widely used in the English language.  As a
} matter of fact, it is so widely used that it is considered public
} domain.  Therefore you cannot have it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copyright of the digit 0.


484-02    (4g970 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark J McCafferty <markm@hew.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What do you mean by mean?
}
} Mean has many meanings, for example
}
} "mean temperature" -- hot enough to make an egg cry on the sidewalk
}
} "lean and mean" -- anorexic and mediocre
}
} "the golden mean" -- Republicans (rich and cruel).
}
} This is no mean question that you asked, and by no means do I mean
} to be mean when I ask what you mean by "mean".


484-03    (a6a64 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am a 21-yr old bisexual male college student.  Any relationship in
> the near future for me?????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You may think of yourself as just a 21-year old bisexual, but as
} you will find out this weekend, you are really a 21-year old latent
} bisexual-bestial-pyro-necrophiliac, which, as you will see, means
} that you like having sex with burning dead animal bodies of either
} sex.  Yechh.


484-04    (2ai33 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most reverent oracle, whose nose pickings will hang under the cosmic
> desk of knowledge for eternity, please answer this question:
>
> Why can't I think of a worthy question to ask you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stop!  He who would cross the river of death must answer me these
} questions three, ere the other side he see:  What is thy name?
}
} "I am but the Humble Supplicant."
}
} What is thy quest?
}
} "I seek to ask the Oracle a worthy question."
}
} What is thy question?
}
} "Uh...  I don't know."
}
} <Z0--  Oh, never mind.  That would be too easy.  You're probably
} beyond help, but I'll give it a try anyway.
}
} A typical Worthy question is "Will you [censored] for $500?"  Of
} course, that particular question got Mr. Worthy arrested in Houston
} a couple of years ago, so I don't really recommend it.
}
} Perhaps the reason you are having difficulty thinking of a worthy
} question is that you don't know what a worthy question is.  So here,
} to help you, are ten characterstics of a worthy question:
}
} 10.  No woodchuck questions.
}
} 9.   No woodchuck questions.
}
} 8.   No vulgar questions.  This is a family network, keep in mind.
}
} 7.   No null queries.  The Oracle likes to have something to work with.
}
} 6.   No variations on the woodchuck question.
}
} 5.   No asking for Lisa's phone number.
}
} 4.   No asking for Lisa's woodchuck's phone number.
}
} 3.   No excessive grovelling.  Some grovelling is important, of
}      course, but keep it short and to the point.  The Oracle knows
}      how great he is, and gets tired of reading the redundancies
}      after two lines or so.
}
} 2.   No asking about the future of sporting events, the stock
}      market, etc.  The Oracle isn't here for that kind of obvious
}      Supplicant scam.
}
} 1.   Absolutely, positively, no woodchuck questions!
}
} Aside from those ten rules, you pretty much have free rein.  Good
} luck.
}
} You owe the Oracle a worthy question.


484-05    (366h4 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oracle, who can move up the corporate
> ladder with the greatest of ease, can you tell me what's the
> best way for an aspiring yuppie like myself to remove many
> of my annoying, competitive coworkers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} WELCOME TO AMAZING DISCOVERIES, THE HALF-HOUR LONG COMMERCIAL THAT
} HAS SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE!!!!
}
} [perfectly spontaneous applause]
}
} Today, our special guest is doctor Gupta Abu-dhabi, world renound
} dermatologist, and he's going to tell us how to remove annoying,
} competitive coworkers!
}
} [unsolicited cheers]
}
} Welcome Doctor Abu-dhabi.
}
} [more cheers]
}
}        -Thankyouverymuch.
}
} Well, doctor, what do you have for us today?
}
}        -Well, I have developed a topical cream which can be used to
} remove annoying, competitive coworkers.
}
} [Ahhhh!!!]
}
} Gee, doctor, we all know how annoying they can be, don't we folks?
}
} [yeah!!!]
}
}        -Yes, particularly for yuppies, no?
}
} [clapping]
}
} Doctor, I believe you have a demo for us.  Is that right?
}
}        -Yes.  Please bring out the annoying, competitive coworker.
}
} [a screaming bound man is brought out]
}
} Well, folks, isn't this just awful?
}
} [Boos]
}
} Now many of you may have run into these, and as you know, they are
} pretty hard to get rid of.  Doctor, what do most people do with them?
}
}        -Well, many people try burning them, but as you will see, this
} does not always work.
}
} [The doctor picks up a can of WD-40 and a lighter, lights the lighter,
} holds it in front of the can, points it at the coworker and sprays
} away. The coworker screams, and drops to the floor, and starts rolling
} around in agony]
}
}        -You see, when they roll around from the pain, they have a
} tendency to put out the fire.
}
} [Ahhs, and Boos]
}
} Boy, isn't that just the worst.  You know, once I tried spraying one
} with insecticide, and that didn't work either.
}
}        -Oh, no, one should never do that.  Let me show you what usually
} happens.
}
} [Grabs a can of raid, sprays it in the face of the coworker.  The
} coworker begins to vomit fiercely, but the doctor jumps back just in
} time]
}
}        -You see?  Too messy.
}
} [Audience gags]
}
} Yeah.  I hate it when that happens.  So what do you have for us doctor?
}
}        -Watch.
}
} [picks up a bottle and an eyedropper, drops a single drop on the
} coworker and he vanishes]
}
} Wow!
}
} [oohs and ahhs]
}
}        -Fantastic, no?
}
} Just think of what a single bottle of this could do for your career?
} How much would you expect to pay for this?  $99.00
}
} [boos]
}
} $79.00
}
} [shouts]
}
} Well, we are prepared to give it to you for only $49.97.
}
} [scattered claps and moans]
}
} Not convinced, eh?  Well, doctor, it seems they want us to do better.
} What can we do for them?
}
}        -How about if they buy one bottle, we'll throw in another one
} free?
}
} [cheers]
}
} Okay, we'll give you two bottles for only $49.97.
}
} [Shouts for more]
}
} Still want more folks?  Okay.  If you buy they bottle, we'll give you
} the free bottle, and we'll throw in a tube of DD-7, a pair of closet
} organizers, and a mini-blind duster which cleans eight rows of blinds
} at once.  How's that?
}
} [Screams of joy, with a smattering of orgasms every now and then]
}
} Okay, folks, come on up and get it.  And for all you folks at home,
} just call the number on your screen, and place your order.  Thank
} you so much doctor!  Folks, how about a round of applause for doctor
} Gupta Abu-dhabi!
}
} [More screams]
}
} Well, were out of time for tonight.  We'll see you next time, on:
}
} [audience shouts in unison "AMAZING DISCOVERIES!!!!!!"]


484-06    (67e72 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh dear great and magnificant oracle.  You who first coined the
> frase, "Wow, What a feeling."  Answer me this:
>
> What happens when you mix:
>   A gallon of Blue Sherwin Williams Paint
>   An old Panasonic Speaker
>   5 gold rings
>   A used Cray-2
>   And a mean cat named Shmooze

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not only that, but I also have excellent spelling and grammar.
}
} The conglomeration will boil and bubble, roil and rumble, until finally
} the ooze it has become generates a very basic form of life.  Slowly, a
} humanoid figure will rise up from the muck.  "Hi!" it says.  "Welcome
} to 'Death Valley Days.'  I'm your host, Ronald Reagan."
}
} After several seasons in Death Valley, the cat (the only remotely
} intelligent component) will die, and the new life form will be elected
} President.  It will survive scandal after scandal, showing its cat-like
} nine lives exist.  It's brain, a combination of the amazing computing
} power of the Cray and those little rings, will think in circles at
} speeds that boggle the imagination.  The speaker will spout large
} amounts of noise, mostly static, that are often mistaken for attempts
} at sentient speech.
}
} Then the paint will explode, slicking back its hair in the world's
} worst pompadour.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better President.


484-07    (65g72 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and wise Oracle, of the eternally rotating questions and
> answers, who knows all and even remembers what Michael Jackson looked
> like before plastic surgery, grant me the favor of an answer to my
> humble supplication.
>
> Why are Boston drivers such maniacs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Were this 1988, the Oracle would be inclined to blame this on Mike
} Dukakis; however, he is unfortunately no longer available as a
} convenient scapegoat.
}
} Actually, the truth is of a considerably more esoteric nature. The
} phenonmenon you describe of maniacal drivers is a universal problem,
} and one which Einstein describes in his little-known "General
} Theory of Traffic Relativity" which explains why it seems like
} everyone else on the road appears to be a raving loony and should
} be locked up somewhere while you yourself are the soul of responsible
} motoring.
}
} According to Einstein's theory, the Actual Inherent Insanity Index
} (AIII) of the other drivers in relation to you can be determined by
} taking the factorial of the product of the speed at which you are
} travelling (s) times the number of people on the road (p) times the
} number of lanes in the road (l) times times the amount of time before
} afternoon rush hour begins (a) times the amount of time before you need
} to be where you're going (t).
}
} The formula reads as such:
}
}             AIII = (splat)!
}
} Unfortunately the pages describing this theory fell behind Einstein's
} desk and he wasn't able to present them with the rest of his work on
} relativity. Nevertheless, the next time you drive through the Boston
} area and see someone who is not paying attention to the road, he
} may actually be figuring out the value of the Index. Or he could just
} be a raving loony.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Car Talk t-shirt.


484-08    (5ab82 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oracle, whose used Kleenex <tm> I am not worthy
> to carry to the nearest waste receptacle, who sees all, knows all,
> tells all, and still finds time to eat right and exercise regularly,
> grant me the favor of an answer to this question:
>
> Why is it that you can go along for ages -- I mean months, years even
> -- without a date, and then all of a sudden the men start crawling out
> of the woodwork like the roaches they occasionally so resemble?  Two
> months ago, Saturday night meant sitting home watching bad TV and
> eating popcorn. Today, I've got three men competing for my company.
> Not that I'm complaining or anything, but why can't they coordinate
> their timing so I don't have to make awkward and unpleasant choices?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi, this is Lisa.  Orrie's trying out a new Grace Jones incarnation
} right now, and is busy getting used to the new body (and practicing for
} tonight!), so s/he gave me your question.
}
} You see, men are timid scum.  They tend to be afraid to try something
} new and be a trailbreaker.  Men are much more comfortable doing
} something, or in this case, someone, that other men do.  So once that
} first man breaks the ice, others see that they won't be alone in the
} pursuit of you and join the fray.  Or else a group of men get together
} and jointly decide to pursue you so that they won't be seen as being
} the only one.  Eventually the dust settles, leaving you with one man.
} Of course, if you're good at juggling egos, you can keep all three.
}
} Also, men are afraid of desperation, real or imagined, so if you are
} feeling relaxed and comfortable because you have a man or some men,
} other men are drawn in to your warmth - sort of a "looking for mommy"
} kind of thing.  If you are man-less and looking for one, that tends to
} spook them, because mommy never went hunting for them unless they had
} just done something bad.
}
} So don't fret it, dear supplicant.  It's always nice to have a choice
} and not feel like you have to take the only one that comes along.  If
} you only want one man, and are having trouble picking which one, just
} send me a note and I'll help you out.  Okay?
}
} Anyhow, I think I should go help Orrie into her punk dominatrix outfit.
} Yippee!
}
} You owe me another message letting me know how it all ended up.


484-09    (56da2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh stunning, wonderful, fabulous Oracle. Your greatness is so mind
> boggling that to even consider it makes me feel dizzy. To think about
> it a bit harder gives me a head ache. To try and comprehend it would
> give me a brain tumour. I throw myself at your feet, and don't care if
> your odour, sorry fragrance overwhelms me.
>
> I have been told that if you misbehave during your life you get
> reincarnated as a pig. So why is it that I am now an octopus? A mere
> piece of calamari. ( In case your wondering, a chimpanzee who seems to
> have been related to me in a past life is now typing this in. )

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because I love your obsequiousness, I'll answer a bonus question you
} haven't asked:  'odour' is not a bad word.  It's generic.  'Stench'
} would certainly be worth a ZOT, however.
}
} You have been given incorrect information.  You are not necessarily
} reincarnated as a pig for 'misbehaving.'  In fact, only those who die
} of cholesterol-related problems become pigs.  You are now an octopus
} because you, in your most recent past life, programmed in octal machine
} code. Your friend is a chimpanzee for having claimed that William
} "Billy Joe Bob" Shakespeare's works were actually penned by Walter
} Scott (who is currently serving time as a cockatiel for plagiarism).
} You see, there is justice in the world...if you drive drunk, you are
} reincarnated as road kill.  If you murder someone, you are reincarnated
} as a murder victim, or a cow.  If you read tabloid newspapers all your
} life, you are reincarnated as a member of the British royalty (not to
} mention photographed topless).
}
} You owe the Oracle a Playboy spread of Diana Spencer.


484-10    (369b7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark J McCafferty <markm@hew.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh,.. etc.
> Do you like being so bored as I am now, that the only thing  I can do
> is sending bogus mails to the Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bored.  Bored.  Bored, bored, bored, BORED!
}
} I slammed my hand on the desk, splattering tarantula guts over the
} blotter. Sometimes I regretted ever getting into the investigation
} racket.  I'd never been so bored in my life!  I was sitting in my
} office with nothing to do.  I hadn't had a case in weeks.  Nothing to
} do, nothing happening.  I was ready to take anything: Divorce, petty
} embezzlement, woodchuck questions, anything to relieve the boredom.  I
} lit another cigar, but remembered I was trying to quit; I tossed in
} into the trash can, where it exploded, killing the cobra.
}
} Bored.
}
} There was a knock at the door: I sprang to my feet, my chair tumbling
} to the floor behind me, knocking out the dwarf with the sword.  A
} client?!  I took a deep breath and straightened my tie.
}
} "Come in!"
}
} The door opened wide, crushing the vulture with glowing red eyes that
} had been perched on the hatstand.  It wasn't a client, just the
} mailroom boy with today's mail.  Better than nothing; maybe there'd be
} something to distract me for the rest of the day. I took the mail from
} the boy's extended claw, barely noticing his bloody four-inch fangs and
} scaly skin.  I closed the door and shuffled through the letters.  Junk
} mail, junk mail, junk mail.  Bills.  Campaign literature.  Ransom
} notes.  Advertising circulars. The same old boring stuff.  I stuffed it
} into the smoking trash can, and had turned to pour myself a drink when
} a pink envelope fluttered to the floor trailing a hint of perfume.
}
} Perfume?
}
} I snatched up the envelope and tore it open: A slip of matching
} notepaper fell onto the desk.  The envelope had a foreign stamp and the
} address was written in a spidery, exotic script.  I read it with hungry
} eyes.
}
} > Tell me, oh,.. etc.
} > Do you like being so bored as I am now, that the only thing  I can do
} > is sending bogus mails to the Oracle?
}
} I almost cried.
}
} I poured a generous dollop of scotch into the arsenic-powdered glass,
} and then changed my mind and dumped it into the hungry-looking flytrap
} on the window sill.  Hopeless, endless boredom.  I slowly tore the
} letter into confetti as I dully watched the potted plant dissolve in a
} cloud of greenish fumes.
}
} Bored, bored, bored.
}
} You owe the Oracle some action.


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