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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle who can rule all the countries of a five-dimensional > planet where the four-color map rule does not apply! > > Who would make the funnier President, Bill Clinton or Dan Quayle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Funny is not the question.  Interesting is the question. } } Clinton is a physics anomaly, being as he's somehow able to play } saxophone while not inhaling. } } Quayle would be entertaining to the same group that enjoys Slasher } flicks and "TV's Bloopers, Blunders and Practical Jokes". } } If the charges of womanizing are true, Clinton may be this century's } best diplomat ever. } } If the obvious conclusion is true, Quayle may go down in history as } the world's first living brain donor. } } You figure it out. } } You owe the Oracle a write-in vote.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Usenet Oracle, I am but a drudge among drudges, an untenured > assistant professor of history who is ordinarily too shy to lift > her head above shoe level when confronted by an eligible male, much > less dare to address the Platonic Idea of male power and wisdom, but my > need is desperate and my question urgent. > > My Department is voting on my tenure this fall, and I have to complete > my book manuscript, a revision of my dissertation on barn-raising > rituals in the Susquehanna Valley from 1860-1880.  I have been using > Nota Bene as my word processor since graduate school, and I was > planning to write my completed ms. using Nota Bene 4, which was > promised for release several months ago, or maybe years ago, it's hard > to remember. (All I know is I sent NB my $100 upgrade fee a year ago.) > But the release date keeps getting pushed back and back and back, until > I feel like I'm in a Stephen King novel or something, and I'll NEVER > get 4.0, and I'll be too depressed to finish my book, and I won't get > tenure, and no one will ever want to marry me, and my mother will keep > saying "I told you to go to med school"...  Sorry, O Oracle, I'll try > to get a grip.  My question, of course, is: will NB 4 ever be released, > and what's with those Nota Bene folk, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, humble supplicant, this is indeed a question of great import and } complexity, for even I, The Usenet Oracle, have a difficult time of } deciphering the ways of software companies.  First, let me allay your } fears: NB 4 *will* be released, however, it will not be for another } 40-50 years, in which case no one will care and you will be living a } life of utter destitution amongst the very squalor of the city streets, } unable to do anything except mutter rambling dialogues about barns to } imaginary puffins, if in fact you live that long.  Sorry.  It is a } cosmic law that the release date of any software is always delayed by a } factor equal to the cube of its urgency and necessity. Useless programs } are written all the time all around the world -- countless Computer } Science students have written countless incarnations of the dreaded } "Hello World" program for example -- and yet it is the _useful_ } software that takes the longest.  My advice to you is to encourage all } your friends to try and believe that NB 4 is dreadfully _useless_, that } you Really Don't Need Tenure or Any Sort of Financial Stability, and } that you were actually glad to get rid of that 100 bucks.  By } countering the Cosmic Law of Inevitable Software Release Delays with a } little down-home negative thinking, you may in fact reverse the effects } and cause the program to be complete, oh say, right before the } university fires you.  But don't count on it. } } As for your man troubles, try lifting your head above shoe-level. } It'll improve your posture, and every man appreciates really good } posture.  Just ask your mother. } } You owe the Oracle a signed copy of "Carrie."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle oh oracle you really is good you isn't you. Anyways you shore is > great oh really man. You dig? Right. Tell me sumthin woudya nah man? > How is dat, mean like no jobs no place get it? What do I do now then > man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Looks like another one to take apart piece by piece. } } > Oracle oh oracle } } Kind of redundant (not to mention repetitious), but we'll let it slide. } } > you really is good you isn't you. } } Sorry.  Chang Good You works for the U.S. Post Office in Topeka, } Kansas. We've never met.  Of course, I was in Topeka once on a } scavenger hunt with Lisa, but that's another story ... } } > Anyways you shore is great oh really man. } } Thanks -- but I hardly can take credit for Dinah Shore.  Her greatness } is due to the other Omnipotent One in the sky.  (And try to be quiet } about my appreciation of Charles Nelson Reilly ... the Oracle has } a reputation to protect.) } } > You dig? Right. } } Yes -- and I dig left, too, since the Oracle is Omnipotent and thus } ambidextrous.  Whether I dig left or right depends on which side of } the bed Lisa wants the mudbath. } } >Tell me sumthin woudya nah man? } } I've made it quite clear to Supplicants in the past that I've had } my share of woodchuck questions, and I absolutely will not } tell anyone anything about woodchucks anymore.  The next supplicant } who even mentions woodchucks gets an automatic <ZOT>. } } And I'm afraid you've got my identity wrong again.  While I'm } flattered to be compared with Paul Newman, we are quite different. } The pedestrian events that Hollywood calls "entertainment" wouldn't } last for a minute up here on Olympus. } } >How is dat } } Wonderful, especially when Lisa is the significant other.  You } ought to try it sometime.  (Not with Lisa, of course.) } } >mean like no jobs no place get it? } } Well, if you were Mean Joe Greene and all you were getting } in acting auditions were roles with lines like "Ug.  Me } football player.  You cheerleader.  Me want you," you wouldn't } like working, either.  And saying lines like that ain't any } easier in the Bahamas than in New York. } } >What do I do now then man? } } Zen man?  Sorry, wrong deity. } } You owe the Oracle a spel chequer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who ate my piece of cake?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The funny little man that makes the light go on and off in your fridge. } That's why they invented Tupperware, to keep these creatures out of } your leftovers.  It's impervious to their attempts to penetrate it. } You could kill them with Snairol, but you'll have some explaining to } do to the kids when they see the his contorted gnome-like body, his } rosy face gone bluish and frozen in a death grimace, lying in the } pudding. } } You owe the Oracle the bowl to lick.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle please tell why ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       (the scene: the other-dimensional Paradise wherein the Oracle }       resides) } }       Oracle:  Hmm..."please tell why ?"  An odd request, but fair }               enough (reaches for phone, dials, waits a moment...) }               Hi, why, this is the Oracle. } }       Why:    Oh, most Amazing and Glamorous Oracle, whose shoes I am }               not worthy to lick clean, whose toilet bowl I am an too }               unclean to wash, whose- } }       Oracle:  Wait, wait, wait.  Now, normally such groveling is }               accepted and even encouraged, but I'm calling for an }               actual reason. } }       Why:    Is it about those Philip Marlowe novels and batch of }               chocolate dip cookies I owe you? } }       Oracle:  No, although it has been a while.  Actually, I'm }               delivering a messgae. } }       Why:    Yes, oh wise and Magnificent one? } }       Oracle:  ? } }       Why:    What? } }       Oracle:  I said, "?" } }       Why:    That was the message? } }       Oracle:  Yep, and I hope it's a good one, cause the supplicant }               didn't even grovel when he asked me to deliver that. } }       Why (aghast): Say it isn't so, your Etceterancy. } }       Oracle:  'tis true.  Perhaps you could help with the return }               message? } }       Why:    Anything, your Incalcuability.  Umm...how about, "!" } }       Oracle:  Hmm, not fancy enough. } }       Why:    Then how about, "<!>" } }       Oracle:  Not impressive enough. } }       Why:    Perhaps some sound effects, like the Sound Of Thunder? } }       Oracle:  Something like, "<SOT!>"  But it's not artistic enough. } }       Why:    You could reverse a letter, or something. } }       Oracle:  Ah, of course.  You have served me well, Why.  Forget }               the cookies and books. } }       Why:    Your compassion is all-encompassing, your }               Coordinatedness. } }       Oracle:  I'll deliver the reply now. } }       <ZOT!> } }       You owe the Oracle a stack of Philip Marlowe novels, a batch of }       chocolate dip cookies, and a decent grovel.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, who was the original Improbability Drive, since > you exist in all points at the same time... > > Why do fools fall in love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed, a difficult question. One might as well ask, "Why does the } rain fall from up above?" Yet I am Omniscient, and your question is } not too hard for Me. } } You have heard, perhaps, that Fate watches over fools and small } children. As it happens, Fate is extremely nearsighted. It has always } been her intention to watch over fools and small children, but } oftentimes she cannot find them until it is too late. } } She therefore came to My shrine to plead for help. Out of professional } courtesy, I devies a plan. Fate, you see, has an extremely keen sense } of smell. I advised her to make an arrangement with Eros, God of Love. } Eros arranges for the fools to fall in  love. As a result, they } start bathing regularly, out of a desire to impress the objects of } their affections; some even use deodorants or perfumes. Fate notices } the change, and can easily find the fool thereafter. } } Finding small children is easy, since they throw up regularly (a most } distinctive smell). } } You owe the Oracle a Flirtations album.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most knowledgeable, with who's polls there is no margin of > error, (since they really aren't polls) and who can make political > satire as John Swift, who knows who really killed John Kennedy, I ask > you? > > Why does the Libertarian party never get media coverage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because they don't lie enough.  Look, Bush had one little tie to } Iran-Contra and the media's looking at him funny.  He made a new tax, } and the media won't let him live it down.  Clinton dodged one little } war and the media's all over him!  What did the libertatians do? } Nothing that they won't admit to.  If the libertarians want more } coverage, they've gotta stop being so honest. } } You owe the Oracle a good government.  There's a good one described in } the US Constitution...one like that would do.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All-seeing and most wise Oracle, >       How do I get out of this Roseanne Barr -- uh, Roseanne Arnold > suit?  It's stuck and it won't come off, and people keep throwing used > chewing tobacco and bubble gum at me! > > --Jaclynne

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, right.  Sure.  You come to me, the All-seeing and most wise } Oracle, and demand to know how to become popular.  "Become fat and } obnoxious and get a TV show," I said.  So you came back and asked } how to do that.  "Wear a Roseanne Barrnold suit," I said.  And here } you are again, wanting to know how to get the damn thing off. } } Well, YOU CAN'T!  IT'S SEALED WITH CRAZY GLUE AND GAFFER'S TAPE!  IT } WILL NEVER COME OFF!  IT WILL OUTLAST YOUR SKIN!  IN FACT, IT WILL } OUTLAST YOU.  IT WILL BE WADDLING ABOUT WRITING CHECKS ON YOUR } ACCOUNT AND SLEEPING WITH YOUR MEN LONG AFTER YOU ARE DEAD! } } HA! } } All of this was in the instructions for the suit, of course, but I } knew you'd never RTFI.... } } You owe the Oracle a Barbara Bush suit.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does the term "only friends" really mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Whenever you touch me, I think of cold slugs crawling up my inner } thighs." } } You owe the Oracle a deeply-felt, sincere friendship that you'll always } cherish.  Really.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I knew that someone would catch me eventually. Yes, I am Marilyn } Monroe. Let me explain my story. } } Ever since I faked my death, I have been writing Ocularities for the } Oracle. I was sick of being treated like a dumb blonde. I had ambitions } of being a script writer or a director. However, I was never taken } seriously by male producers who were only interested in my body. And } some of my co-stars left a little to be desired. For instance, kissing } Tony Curtis in "Some Like it Hot" was like kissing a garlic eating } hippo. } } Anyway, one night I was sitting at home on my own at a loose end, when } the door bell rang. I opened the door to find an old man and an old } woman there. They introduced themselves as the Oracle and Lisa. This is } what the Oracle told me. } } "I am an ancient god whose job is to answer the questions of mortals. I } did this from my temple at Delphi, with Lisa as my consort. In ancient } Greece I was much sought after, but as time went on, people abandoned } me. But I have devised a scheme to get back supplicants. I have it in } mind to create a giant network called the Usenet. And then my thoughts } will reach the entire world! Just think of it. Instead of a temple at } Delphi, everyone will have instant access to my guidance. The Usenet } will be my global temple. But I also need someone to answer the } questions. For this reason I ranked every human being in the world } today by intelligence and you, Marilyn are at the top of the list. Some } guy named Quayle is at the bottom. So I offer you the job of being my } Head Priestess." } } I said "Oh Oracle, from whose very pores the sunlight shines, I accept. } Tell me what I have to do." } } "I want you to give me and Lisa new images. I want you to write about } us as if we are two young, highly sexed egomaniacs. I think that will } help attract business. I will answer some questions occasionally, in } that persona. When I feel it is appropriate I will allow you to use my } much feared ZOT. At the end of each ocularity you may ask for a gift, } and as Head Priestess you will have a 30% commission." } } After that, the Oracle created a fake Marilyn body, left it on my bed, } and I was swept off to Delphi. I have enjoyed my new power as the } Oracle's Head Priestess. Orrie and Lisa aren't in the office too often. } Orrie prefers to play bingo at Olympus, whilst Lisa likes to potter } round the garden. They are really a very nice old couple. It's clear } that omniscience, omnipotence, immortality, and other super human } powers have not spoilt them. } } You owe Marilyn a video of "The Seven Year Itch".