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24 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 10:31:21 GMT

Internet Oracularities #49

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49, 49-01, 49-02, 49-03, 49-04, 49-05, 49-06, 49-07, 49-08, 49-09, 49-10


Usenet Oracularities #49
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 8 Nov 89 01:57:38 GMT

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49-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did Jim trash Joe's filesystem?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because Joe interrupted Jim while Jim was in drag, preening in front of
} his full-length mirror, and telling himself in a falsetto voice what a
} pretty girl he was.  Joe thought this terribly funny, and laughed Jim
} to scorn.  Jim, angered at having his fantasy-world ridiculed, vowed
} Revenge: hence the trashed filesystem.
}
} Of course, now Joe will tell the world about Jim's odd behavior.  And
} of course Joe has a recent backup.


49-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Why does this guy next to me let his life revolve around you, great
> oracle?  All he speaks of is you.  He admires you, and you are only some
> bits and bytes!  I find this ironic.  Do you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I do not find this ironic.  This 'guy' next to you is my prophet.
} He goes by the heavenly name of Danquayleronreaganissenileandhasbeen-
} eversincehewaselectedandweareindeeptroublesincewehaveawhimpforapresident
} Danquayleistheantichristandwearealldommedfreth Arrgghhifreaganwasthe-
} answeritmustvebeenaverysillyquestionhdert.  He is as near to divinity as
} is possible in a mere mortal, so you are to worship him, pay him hom,
} and find him all the gorgeous blonde women you possibly can so he can
} partake of the Divine Cleansing Ritual of the Oracle, which involves 42
} well-endowed gorgeous blonde women, a 250-gallon tub of Jell-O.
}
} You owe the Oracle your worship, your faith, and a six-pack of A&W Root
} Beer.


49-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 10101111010100101010110101010111101010001101011010101011101010101010101
> 10001010111101010101111101010111010101010101010101010010101010101010101
> 00000101010101011111111110001010100001101010100010101010101010000010100
> 10000101010101110101010010010101000010101011100101000101010100101001011
> 10001010101000101010011101010101010010101010101010101010101010101001110?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How did you know the launch code?  Dont be surprised if you see a
} shadowy figure with a silencer at the foot of your bed tonight.
}
} You owe the oracle a slow and horrible death


49-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hgwehjdg hjdghjwdt wejetejdgjdb uiy wekjuyeuid weuid ud weyuiydtkild
> iutdwei nbxweui tui hwuiyx ghiu xygiowehx yuwgx iwewe7 gxuwegxyuwegx
> uilw?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has warned you REPEATEDLY about the dangers of mentioning
} Lisa to It again in ANY question.  The Oracle's punishment of your
} unworthy self will be too horrible to contemplate, and may take place at
} any time during the remainder of your miserable lifespan.
}
} Just teasing.  In fact, the Oracle understands your question perfectly
} well and knows that it has nothing to do with Lisa.  In brief:
}
} Yes, the wallaby must be thoroughly covered with Vaseline.  K-Y jelly is
} too runny.  Do _not_ use anything made out of plastic!  Disembowelment
} is not the preferred technique -- try to keep the amount of blood
} reasonably small.  No, she does not need to be a virgin.


49-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is the most beautiful woman in the world, and tell me all the info
> available on her...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh!  This is an oft asked question to the Oracle!
}
} You must remember always remember that beauty is something that
} cannot be defined in absolute terms.  You must be careful how you
} ask your questions!
}
} For you personally, the most perfect woman existed only in a dream
} (you recall that little "accident" you had last week?) and was caused
} by your not having had a date in months complicated by that terrible
} pizza.
}
} In the opinion of the Oracle, you showed a lack of imagination when
} it came to the proper use of the watermelon and rubber hose, however
} your performance with the highly modified weed-whacker will always
} be a classic.


49-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to be eloquent, but I can't verbalize.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By all means, apply to a school with a strong Mime program.
}
} Fluency in Mime, though difficult to acquire, will serve you well
} throughout your life.  Mime is not called the "True International
} Language" for nothing, after all.  More and more, Mime is replacing
} Japanese, English, and COBOL in the corporate halls of the world.
}
} The Oracle suggests the excellent beginner's textbook, "Beginning Mime:
} Read My Lips" by Anselm Accordio (Simon & Schuster, 1988, 198pp.) as
} well as the outstanding series of cassette tapes which accompany the
} text (check for these in your university language lab).
}
} Be forewarned, though: Mime is not an easy toungue to master.  There
} can be no substitute for several hours a day of intensive drill,
} going through the classical exercises such as "Man in a Big Invisible
} Box" and "Man Caught in a Hurricane" with a native speaker.  Becoming
} adept in the idiom of Mime will require painstaking attention to
} detail and willingness to submit to thorough and frequent oral and
} written examinations to demonstrate proficiency.
}
} The Oracle wishes you the best of luck with your new studies.
}
} You owe the Oracle a black-and-white jumpsuit and an invisible dog
} on a leash.


49-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The oracle promised that I would metamorphose into Lisa this morning,
> but I haven't.  What's wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You, foolish mortal, must not have followed my directions.  I told you
} to have the 3 wilderbeasts, 2 quarts of apricot jam, Timex/Sinclair
} computer, the a VHS recording of the Rocky Horror Picture show, and the
} 24 ft.  steel rod with a selenium core.  Once again, I shall relate how
} to use this apparatus to transform yourself into the net.goddess (Lisa);
} but beware mortal for this transformation is very taxing and will last
} but for a day and then reduce you to a vile old hag.
}
} [Proceed at your own risk ...  this is not for meer mortal eyes and the
} very sight could blind you forever.]
}
} On the Timex/Sinclair, create a "C" compiler written in Cobol (simple
} enough), and with this compiler, compile the following program:
}
} #include <stdio.h> #include <net.goddess.transform.h>
}
} main() char **argv; int argc;
}
} { transformmetolisa(argv[1]); }
}
} all the functions necessary are in net.goddess.transform.h and can be
} downloaded from Norad at anytime on their toll-free line.
}
} After doing this, get the wilderbeasts to trot around the computer while
} you stand in the middle holding the steel rod.  Spread yourself with the
} apricot jam, put the Rocky Horror in the VCR and connect the audio and
} video output to the Timex/Sinclair.  Promptly at 7:59:57am tomorrow
} morning Eastern Standard time, at 43 degrees North - 15.37 degrees East
} there will be a spot hit by a 12.4 gigavolt lightning bolt.  Be there
} and have the tape playing the third verse of "Time Warp" and execute the
} compiled program as the lightning strikes the steel/selenium rod.
}
} If you follow the above instructions, you will become Lisa (net.goddess)
} for one full day.  Good Luck!
}
} You owe the Oracle a miss or a mile.


49-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ivan the Terrible is into Yoga, Piotr the Great is into TM, and
> Catharine the Great was into Tantra (left hand way).  Has this trend of
> esotericism in the Russian leadership continued?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With the replacement of royal rule by the Soviet Government, the nature
} of the esoteric beliefs has become nastier.  Kerensky was a Mason, Lenin
} practised voodoo, Stalin performed human sacrifices to the Devil (both
} burnt and cooked, and liked the taste of human flesh).  Khrushchev was a
} bit milder -- simple Satanism and the occasional ritual glass of human
} blood.  Brezhnev worshipped idols, as did his gerontocrat successors.
} Mr.  and Mrs.  Gorby worship the Golden Calf.  The Soviet intelligentsia
} is turning Christian, after a fashion.


49-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do Computer Science instructors continually make references to FOO
> and BAR and FOOBAR?  Is it all a conspiracy to confuse us or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are missing a letter.  It's FOOD, not FOO.  Computer scientists,
} being unable to get sex, are concerned mainly with food -- and they
} prefer all-you-can-eat arrangements, sometimes called smorgasbords,
} except that computer scientists can't spell either, so they call them
} FOOD BARs.  Some computer scientists like to drink, so they separated
} off the BAR part.
}
} You owe the oracle:
}   - Fifteen hamburgers with cheddar cheese and tomato and pickles
}   - Two hundred and eighteen large french fries, with salt and vinegar,
}     and if you miscount them I'll boil you in taco sauce
}   - that reminds me, also bring eighty-one chicken and bean tacos, and
}     some good taco sauce.  lots of good taco sauce.
}   - and a large layer cake, chocolate frosting, with the words "Oracle,
}     Oracle, So Wonderful The Oracle that the Sun is about to perform
}     Fellatio on you" in green frosting.
}   - yeah, and about four quarts of chocolate ice cream
}   - and a couple of pounds of salted peanuts, and a keg of Bass Ale.
}   - Oh, while you're at it, five or six roast chickens.  No, make that
}     Peking Ducks.  With tabasco sauce and catsup.
}   - And a few pounds of mashed potatoes and marshmallow gravy would be
}     good too.
}   - Yeah, and while you're at it, I don't want to die of malnutrition.
}     Sixteen pounds of broccoli, steamed, and two boiled cabbages ought
}     to do it.  With hollandaise sauce.  Gotta make it edible some how.
}   - Yeah, and a great big vat of cinnamon sugar applesauce.
}   - And you'd better remember the saltines, or I'll cut your head off
}     and feed it to ...  well ...  me.


49-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I detoxify my love life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stop using those lead condoms.


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