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Internet Oracularities #491

Goto:
491, 491-01, 491-02, 491-03, 491-04, 491-05, 491-06, 491-07, 491-08, 491-09, 491-10


Usenet Oracularities #491    (41 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 16 Oct 1992 09:32:46 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   491
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

491   41 votes 34gd5 7cc82 2al80 7cb65 5ac86 8ca92 58d96 15cg7 152cl 667bb
491   3.1 mean  3.3   2.7   2.9   2.8   3.0   2.6   3.1   3.6   4.1   3.4


491-01    (34gd5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Would you compose an answer that combines a post-holocaust world with
> martial arts and psionics?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I wouldn't do that even if you kicked me in the head and teleported me
} into a nuclear winter.


491-02    (7cc82 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What did I do to deserve this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bad karma, Mrs. Quayle.
}
} Don't worry, in your next life you will be a successful rock star.


491-03    (2al80 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wonderful Oracle, whose coffee is always *much* better than
> Folgers Crystals.  Who is the dimwit that leaves 1/2 inch of coffee in
> the coffeepot and then not only doesn't make a new pot, but won't even
> turn off the fraggin burner.  Feetal's Gizz, doesn't this fartsucker
> realize that we end up with burned coffee on the bottom of the pot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What are you doing? Don't you realise that that half-inch of coffee is
} a vital experiment for the future of mankind?
}
} I see you don't. Very well:
}
} Some time ago it was realised that certain microbes had vastly shorter
} lifespans than humanity, and hence evolved much faster. Therefore it
} was decided to breed certain strains of bacteria and observe them, in
} order to see what they could come up with. The coffee pot at your
} establishment is currently working on faster-than-light travel and had
} already achieved .9 lights practically. It is left on the burner in
} order to stimulate the bacteria to evolve faster. You have set back
} human civilisation at least 100 years by destroying them.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Grand Unifying Theory and the remains of the
} starship from the coffee pot (those stains at the bottom).


491-04    (7cb65 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo! Oracular Dude!  How 'bout a spell to turn those ugly old
> secretaries into hot babes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yo! Surfer dude! How 'bout a reason not to <ZOT!> your puny little
} existence into nothingness? How 'bout a grovel, some PC sensibilities,
} and a real vocabulary?
}
} You owe the Oracle a calander that marks National Secretaries' Day with
} a big red heart.


491-05    (5ac86 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 490
> 2 2 3 3 3  2 5 3 5 3

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} WHAT!, no grovelling, AND you gave my answers an average of 3.1 !!!!
}
} No way son, this is how it should look like:
}
} > 490
} > 1 1 1 1 1  1 1 1 1 1 (Questions)
} > 5 5 5 5 5  5 5 5 5 5 (Answers)
}
} Now, you owe me to get ten of your questions into the next oracularity,
} and score an average of 4.9. Or else...
}
} (Sends away answer and stalks away towards a box labeled
} "Mega-ZOT-gun".)


491-06    (8ca92 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most noble Oracle, your most omniscientness...
>
> Please grant me the favour of your answer to this question:
>
> On this Columbus Day holiday, there is much controversy over who
> discovered America.  Oh all knowing Oracle, who really did discover
> America?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [This message is converted from WPS-PLUS to ASCII]
}
} Oh earthly and humble Person, I, the Great Oracle, do see fit to answer
} your question.
}
} Indeed you too show much wisdom, in questioning the theory of Columbus
} discovering America. (When his ship reached America, he was not even on
} board. He was dropped off on a small island en route, saying "I think
} I'll stay here for a rest, if you don't mind.)
}
} The person who discovered America was a Mr. Jeffry Arthur Braithwaite,
} from Guilford, Essex, Great Britain. His hobbies included coal-mining,
} stamp-collecting, hitting himself on the head with a street-lamp and
} scuba-diving. One night in 1066, Mr. Braithwaite had a rather
} impressive dream. He dreamt that he was the reincarnation of Noah and
} that he had been given a Great Task In Life. Mr. Braithwaite
} immediately dashed off to Hastings Beach and built himself an ark.
} Having done this, he managed to find two stray cats, a goat, three
} frogs, forty-nine rats and two ants, one of whom unfortunately died
} during the following voyage.
}
} He launched his ark, and a jolly nice holiday was had by all! Until,
} that is, that Mr. Braithwaite and his animal-crew ran out of food. But
} no problem was too great for Mr. Braithwaite! He reached into his
} jeans-pocket and found -> his American-Express credit card! And the
} Gods were very kind to Mr. Braithwaite, because, at that very moment,
} his ark reached America.
}
} Mr. Braithwaite went on land, bought food and drink, a pair of really
} cool sun-glasses and a couple of souvenirs (to prove that he'd
} discovered America first). He got back onto the ark, set sail, and they
} all lived happily ever after.
}
} The Oracle has spoken.


491-07    (58d96 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh super-dooper Oracle,
>
> Could you answer this question in a really witty fashion, thereby
> guaranteeing its placement in the Oracularities?
>
>         Thanks, your supplicant:  Dave Ljung

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, I could.


491-08    (15cg7 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is life ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) a sexually-transmitted disease that is always fatal
} 2) a stupid board game
} 3) a cellular-automata game invented by J. H. Conway
} 4) a cereal advertised by a child who later either grew up or exploded
} 5) a schlocky magazine renowned for its supposedly-great photography
} 6) a sentence rarely given to criminals these days
} 7) worth living, but only worth liv-ing, if you're, Boooorn,
}    FREEEEEEEEEEEEE!


491-09    (152cl dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXB.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The news cameras and reporters had already gathered at the scene.
> "Vultures," Mulhooey thought as he pushed his way through the crowd.
> The reporter from the City NewsCam crew stepped in his path and
> asked the question he'd come to expect.  "So, Lieutenant, will this
> be ANOTHER unsolved one?"  Mulhooey was considering whether it would
> be worth ending his 15-year career for the pleasure of decking her
> when a blue uniform appeared in his field of vision.  "This way,
> Lieutenant."  Saved by the bell again.
>
> The upstairs apartment wasn't a pretty one, but then, he knew that
> already.  He knew it from the moment the phone rang.  He wondered
> again why that kind of call always seemed to come right when he and
> Kay had found a few precious moments for intimacy.  The scene in the
> room brought him back to reality.  He'd seen it all before: a
> typical grad-student hole in the wall, some posters, a few sticks of
> Salvation Army furniture, the blackened computer, pieces of a cheap
> 2400-baud modem, and the charred, contorted form on the floor,
> barely recognizable as having once been human.  A rookie patrolman
> stepped in, and quickly stepped back out again.  Mulhooey counted to
> five.  A retching sound came from the hallway.  "He'll learn," he
> thought, "maybe."
>
> By the desk, the lab boys were still at work.  "Anything?"  "Looks
> pretty much the same as the others, LT."  Evans, the lab tech,
> always called the officers by the initials of their rank.  It
> irritated Mulhooey, and Evans knew that, but Evans was good at what
> he did.  "How about that little idea of yours?"  "Worked like a
> charm, LT."  Mulhooey gave a curt nod.  He felt a grudging respect
> for the man, but would rather die than show it.  "So what can I tell
> those buzzards outside?"  Evans showed a nasty smile.  "Let 'em
> stew.  Say we'll have more in an hour."  "Will it really take you an
> hour?"  The smile got nastier.  "Not even close.  I just think we
> should let them enjoy standing around in the rain for a while."
>
> Mulhooey was smiling, too, as he stepped outside into the glare of
> the TV lights.  "I have an announcement," he shouted above the
> babble of questions.  He gave them a minute to settle down, then
> continued.  "As you all know, there have been numerous unexplained
> homicides involving computers, the so-called Usenet Zot Killings.
> I'm sure you are all eager to find out how our investigation is
> proceeding."  He was enjoying himself thoroughly.  "In cooperation
> with the FBI, the Secret Service, the Indiana State Police, and the
> phone companies, this department has set up a monitoring system.
> The system activates only when an abnormally high voltage is
> detected, so the ACLU can rest easy.  The route is then traced back
> to its origin, something happening even as I speak.  In about an
> hour...."
>
> He broke off as Evans unexpectedly appeared next to him.  His usual
> cockiness had evaporated; he looked scared.  So scared, in fact,
> that he forgot to be irritating.  "Lieutenant, I'm done with the
> trace.  It's ... it's ... "

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mulhooey grabbed the scrap of yellow memo paper that Evans was holding
} out to him.  There was nothing on it but the number "42" written with
} a soft pencil, several thick strokes to each line.
}
} "I don't get it.  What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
}
} "It's the telephone number," stammered Evans.  "We triple-checked the
} results and ran it through the line deoscillator a dozen times.  The
} originating call is coming from 42.  That's our Zotter."
}
} "42?  Just 4-2?"  Evans nodded.
}
} "What kind of bullshit number is that supposed to be?  Hell,
} that isn't even an area code.  Joseph and Mary and the papoose, man,
} have you lost it entirely?  Look here..."
}
} Mulhooey pulled the handset of a cellular phone out of his squad car
} and angrily stabbed at the "4" and then the "2."  Scowling, he held the
} phone up as if to flaunt the silence, but suddenly he froze as he heard
} the click of a connection.  He slapped the receiver to his ear, cutting
} its sound off from the onlookers.
}
} What was this nonsense he was hearing?  Answers to all your questions?
} "Look, Mac," Mulhooey barked, "I don't give a pig's left ball if you
} can tell me how much woo--"
}
} "NO, Lieutenant!" Evans screamed as his boss began to mouth the rounded
} vowel.  Then everything happened at once: the TV cameras shorted,
} the NewsCam reporter shrieked, and the pungent odor of burnt gumshoe
} filled the air.
}
} If Mulhooey could have counted to five, he would have smiled just then.


491-10    (667bb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most bestest Oracle, I'm perplexed on this one...
>
> How can you be so great and awesome, while you're father, Steve
> Kinzler, is such a nerd?  I faithfully answered all those questions you
> assigned me, and not even ONE of them got published in this morning's
> Oracularities. Why?  WHY?
>
> Oh, that's two questions...  More grovel...  Um, oh most greatest
> Oracle...
>
> Thanks, Oracle buddy...  nice to see there still are SOME good higher
> powers in this universe...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Oh damn, not another whining sycophantic slug petitioning for
}  attention."
}
} "What is it Steve?"
}
} "Oh nothing, Laura, just another piece for the bit bucket from the
}  Usenet Oracle server."
}
} "Another one of THOSE?  I hate the little scum.  First they write me
}  off as a slut, then they get my name wrong, and now your little alter
}  ego is building a reputation that would make a McCarthyist-era
}  American father proud.  It's repulsive.  Here, have some yoghurt."
}
} "Thanks." (uses wooden spoon)  "Look at this, though.  Obviouosly a
}  priest who got his submissions flushed out by the humour parser.
}  Probably has some kind of neurotic complex by now.  It's been days
}  since I got this post.  What I can't figure out yet is how I'm going
}  to foist off another quaint oracular answer on this guy without
}  pissing him off..."
}
} "So piss him off, already." (munch-munch) "I mean, there are, what,
}  sixty, seventy-odd dozen people who are otherwise content and willing
}  to coddle your ego through subservient priesthood, right?"
}
} "Yeah, what's yer point, Laur?"
}
} "Well, teach the little bastard a lesson!"
}
} "Ah!  The old `<ZOT!>, you little pipsqueak, you're pencil shavings`
}  approach!"
}
} "No, you dear sweet balding fool.  Write him a pink slip!  Fire him.
}  Hand him his ego on a platter and tell him he's really screwed the
}  pooch this time."
}
} "Pass me some of that bean curd." (munch) "Y'know, this could work.
}  Inside of a week he'll be begging for another chance.  Inside of a
}  month we might have some major butt-kissing involved here.  I kinda
}  like the idea.  I mean, gimme a break.  Look at this: "Uh.. More
}  grovel...' I'm used to grandeur and eloquence, not this commonplace
}  kind of 'Oh Hi Orrie, howya doin'?' nonsense.  I tell you, it's most
}  egregiously unfair!
}
} "Egrigiously?  Honestly, Stevie, you're starting to sound like an
}  English major.  You should stop listening to PBS."
}
} "Sorry.  I needed to take a break.  27 hours in a row in front of a CRT
}  trying to piece together a Prolog routine for a subway version of the
}  travelling salesman problem does that to me."
}
} "And that naughty priest said you were a nerd.  Shame on him!" (giggle)
}
} "Hey!  This is valuable research!"
}
} "Sure, like last week with you in front of that old Apple II
}  Wolfenstein game, trying to sub in pictures of Smurfettes for the
}  guards?"
}
} "Hey, its been done, sure, but not in VR!  Didn't you see the optical,
}  three-dee hookup I had set up?"
}
} "Pull the other one, genius.  I know a video game binge when I see it.
}  Anyway, why don't you put it away and try giving a shot at living up
}  to our Net images?" (low and sultry)
}
} "Give it up, Laura.  Maybe when we both lose twenty pounds.  I hate it
}  when you get that way."
}
} "Oh, you prick.  Here.  Here's a nickel.  Go buy some self-esteem. I'm
}  going for a walk."
}
} "No wait... Laura!..." <SLAM>
}
} ..."Nuts.  Oh well, there'll always be Usenet..."
}
} <taptaptap...tappity tap-tap-tap ENTER tap tappity taptaptaptaptap>
}
} Dear Supplicant...
}
} --
} [ This is a work of fiction.  Any resemblance to real persons, living or
}   deceased, is entirely coincidental.  Etc, etc. ;-)  -ed ]


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