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Internet Oracularities #492

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Usenet Oracularities #492    (34 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 21 Oct 1992 11:44:03 -0500

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492   34 votes 244bd 3be42 35a88 69c43 a45b4 27bb3 3a858 46f72 485c5 26ae2
492   3.1 mean  3.9   2.7   3.4   2.7   2.9   3.2   3.1   2.9   3.2   3.2


492-01    (244bd dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXB.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, please, I beg you, answer me this:
>
> I'm working on an essay about the history of the paranormal entity
> (commonly called 'superhero' or 'supervillain') in our soociety. Can
> you therefore give me a quick run-through of the personalities and
> abilities of some of these paranormals through the ages, including the
> first male and female paranormals and the most powerful male and female
> paranormals.
>
> Note: I'm interested in paranormals who have made an obvious difference
> in our lives, not to (for example) omnipotent deities like Yourself who
> have chosen less direct methods if intervention.
>
> I look forward to recieving your answer...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} CompuSwerve              ORACLE'S
}
}   ORACLE'S ACADEMIC AMERICAN
}           Encyclopedia
}         Copyright @ 1992
}  Oracle Electronic Publishing
}
}  1 Read Me, Newbie
}  2 Complaints?  Are you SURE...?
}  3 Talk to Lisa
}
}  4 Search Encyclopedia ($$$)
}
} Enter choice !4
}
} Search term: superhero
}
} SUPERHERO
} Articles selected: 2
} 1 superhero, historical
} 2 superhero, in fiction
}
} Enter choice !1
}
} CompuSwerve
}
} superhero, historical
} --------------------------------
} Superhero (Neo-Latin for "big tough one") is the name given to a group
} of self-appointed paranormal crime fighters, typically costumed, who
} since Neolithic times have fought SUPERVILLAINS, similarly costumed big
} nasty bad ones.  The first identifiable superhero is thought to be
} BISON MAN, depicted in the cave paintings at Altamira.  Bison Man had
} superhuman stampeding abilities, but since there was only one of him he
} had a difficult time using them.  His arch-enemy was SABRE-TOOTH GIRL,
} the first female superhero, who terrorized her foes with her powerful
} canines, but whose career was cut short when her parents sent her to an
} orthodontic shaman.
}
} The next historically documented pair of superheroes were WALKS
} SIDEWAYS MAN and his sister WALKS SIDEWAYS WOMAN.  Born in Egypt during
} the 3rd Dynasty, they were not much good at chasing big nasty ones but
} were well adapted to carrying huge rectangular blocks.  Their
} construction of the Egyptian PYRAMIDS is acknowledged in the many
} hieroglyphic depictions of the pair to be found there.
}
} During the Spartan tyranny over 4th Century Greece a band of
} superheroes arose called the JUSTICE LEAGUE OF ATHENS.  Its members
} included PARADOX MAN, who stopped foes by proving motion is illusory;
} SUPERSTOIC, who could not be injured because he believed pain was not
} real; and LYSISTRATA LADY, who incapacitated her enemies by refusing to
} sleep with them.
}
} Meanwhile, dynastic China saw its first superhero in THE GRASSHOPPER,
} who confused his opponents both with his mastery of Kung Fu and with
} his obviously Caucasian features, but whose chief paranormal power was
} the ability to disappear entirely for 30 to 60 seconds at 10-minute
} intervals.
}
} Roman superheroes were mainly pale imitations of their Greek
} predecessors whose names are lost to history.  Supervillains revived
} briefly during the Renaissance, when evil genius MARTIN LUTHER, his
} mind twisted to vengeance by a monastery accident that had given him a
} bald tonsure, battled the nefarious PAPAL BULL for the fate of Europe.
}
} Scholars agree that the most powerful superhero ever was SCHOLASTIC MAN
} of 13th-Century Paris, who could create a rock so huge that he couldn't
} lift it.  His female counterpart was JOAN OF ARC(1), said to have
} compressed the entire Bibliotheque de Paris into a single volume.
}
} Alchemy, the steam engine, and Dianetics eventually made widely
} available powers that once had been the exclusive domain of
} superheroes, leading to their virtual disappearance by the late 19th
} Century.  20th Century attempts to revive superhero associations have
} largely been experiments in failure (see LEAGUE OF NATIONS, AMERICAN
} FOOTBALL LEAGUE, EUROPEAN ECONOMIC COMMUNITY).
}
} Last Page!bye


492-02    (3be42 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle, unto whom all hearts are open, all desires known, and
> from whom no secrets are hid,
>
> Can you tell me how to get,
> How to get to Sesame Street?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, ok, another professor's 5-year-old child prodigy has grabbed his
} dad's keyboard.  But according to the Oracular Civil Right Amendment, I
} can't discriminate on age, height, or television viewing preferences.
} So, I guess I have to answer it.
}
} % whereis 'Sesame Street'
} Sesame Street:
}
} Hmm... not found...
} % cd /usr/users/oracle/omni-database/atlas
} % grep -e 'Sesame Street' streets
} on Sesame Street. This street was, unfortunately, destroyed in the LA
} riots of
}
}       OK.  How to get to Sesame Street.  (I hate to break a little
} kid's heart). Walk downtown to PBS and hang a left on Innocence Way.
} Keep going.  Start banging on the trash cans, and when a furry green
} guy pops out of one, you're there.  Don't mind him; he's always a
} grouch.  Verbally abuse him as only a five-year-old can.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tape of the episode in which everyone finally met
} Mr. Snuffleupagus.


492-03    (35a88 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh repository of wit and wisdom, prose and verse, from the beginnings
> of time to the end of eternity....
>
> What are the last three lines of this limerick?
>
>               There once was a man from Nantucket
>               Who kept all his dreams in a bucket...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There once was a man from Nantucket
} Who kept all his dreams in a bucket
} When he gave it a tilt
} All the dreams spilt
} And he lost his ability to rhyme.
}
} You owe the oracle a coracle.


492-04    (69c43 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most praiseworthy Oracle, whose IQ (like mine) has so many digits it
> could fill ten phonebooks and still leave a number equal to the USA
> national debt, and whose muscles (like mine) are sculpted so perfectly
> as to make Arnold Shwartzenegger look like Pee Wee Herman's little
> brother Speck, know you of a cure for arrogance among supplicants,
> other than a <ZOT!> ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm.  <ZOT>ing isn't an option, eh?
}
} Well, here's a few options:
}
} 1) Teach Dan Quayle how to spell.
} 2) Teach Bill Clinton how to inhale.
} 3) Teach George Bush how to read lips.
} 4) Teach Al Gore how to barbeque.
} 5) Teach Ross Perot how to speak without using the phrase "you people".
} 6) Teach Jim Stockdale how to speak, period.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fourth-party candidate.


492-05    (a45b4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr. Oracle:
>
>      I've got another one for ya.  This one's a biggie - It may
> just get me out of this joint.  I need a reply soon.
>      Earlier today I was sittin in my cell, just sittin there
> wondering when I'm gonna get out, and telling myself that that
> one night just wasn't worth it.  Just then the guard comes in
> and tells me to go on with him.  "HE wants you now, so move
> yer stinkin butt," he says.
>      So I'm walking along with 'im, and I'm wondering, I wonder
> see what they're goin to do to me.  I figure they're gonna
> finally get around to choppin' my gulliver clean off, and I was
> pretty damn spooked.  Then I thinks they might just be moving
> me to another jail.  I don't know what to think about that one
> - my prison is pretty crowded and smells clean through of
> rottin camel shit, but I got a good racket goin there and
> I'm wondering if I can start over in this new hole in the
> desert dat they're gonna throw me in.
>      But then I sees that we're goin to the palace.  I bolt
> off in a run (I know they're going to make a eunich out of me)
> but there are guards prowling all around in the place and I get
> meself grabbed agin, whit a 'nock on the head for my trouble.
>      When I come to, I see I'm in the throne room, and the
> Pharoah is there a lookin me over.  Then he starts talking to
> me, and I knows that I'm not going to be killed, moved, or
> get my nutts chopped off:
>
>      "Listen here.  I heard about you, and I want you to answer
> something for me."
>
> [I figure the cupbearer told him about me, and it's about fucking
>  time he did.  A smooth operation, though, that one - you did a
>  nice clean job of that one, yessir.]
>
>      "I had these two dreams last night - and I want *you* to
> interpret them for me"
>
>      "What if I can't?"
>
>      "Then I'll chop your nutts off and through you in the hareem."
>
>      "Uh, uh..., okay, shoot."
>
>      "In this first dream, see, I saw coming out of the Nile these
> stalks of grain.  The grain was strange - not only did they not
> smell like piss and embalming fluid like the Nile, but these
> mothers were huge.  Then I saw these small shitty things crawl
> out of the Nile, ugly as hell, and after a while I see that they're
> these small diseased grain stalks.  And the shitty stalks went and
> ate the big plump grain things."
>
>      "How many stalks were there, your high lordship?"
>
>      "Hell, I don't know!  Six or seven of each, maybe.  Who
> fucking cares?"
>
>      "Uh.. not me."
>
>      "Good.  Now in the second dream, there were these cows."
>
>      "Cows?"
>
>      "Cows.  Big, huge, muscular cows.  Oh, these cows were beautiful,
> with big well build bodies.. oh.. yeah.. with big, huge -"
>
>      "No need to get too bogged down in details, your grace!  Please..
> continue!"
>
>      "Ooh, ah.. okay.  Then came out of the Nile these small, diseased,
> filth ridden cow thingies.  I'm not sure if they were cows are not.
> The things were so thin, they almost looked Ethiopian.  And these
> maggot-infested cows started munching on the studly cows.  You
> should have seen the blood.  Ribs, livers, all those stomachs..."
>
>      "I see, your royal jackalness.  Is that it?"
>
>      "Yes.  I told this dream to all my wise men, and none of them
> could answer it.  I hope you can, because my hareem is getting
> rather crowded, if you know what I mean.  The girls feel outnumbered."
>
>      "Yes, sir, excactly.  I know precisely what you mean.  Hareem
> overcrowding... yes, always a problem, sir."
>
>      "So interpret the dreams already.  I want this cleared up
> before lunch."
>
>      "Yes... yes, the interpretation.  Quite a good idea, to have
> it cleared up before lunch.  Yes, very wise... Can I use your
> bathroom?"
>
>      "What?  Yeah, sure, it's ten blocks down the hall.."
>
>      "Hey, thanks.  It'll only be a minute."
>
> So they're ya have it, Mr. Oracle.  The bathroom is getting rather
> full of eunichs and I have to get back to the Pharoah soon.  What
> should I tell him?  I know you've helped me out of stickier things
> before, and is there a way in which I can come out on top?
>
>                                      Your unworthy supplicant,
>
>                                      Joseph.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, Joseph, you slimeball.  This is Lisa, doing triage duty
} on incoming supplications.  Somehow you smarmed your way past Orrie
} last time, but you're dealing with me now.
}
} So, mister would-be Governor of Egypt, you were caught running out of
} Potiphar's house buck-naked because his wife grabbed your nightie when
} you wouldn't sleep with her.  And Potiphar wouldn't believe you, and
} that's why you're in jail.  You poor poor dear.
}
} And Mike Tyson is just a big sweetie and William Kennedy Smith is a
} parish priest and Clarence Thomas still thinks Long Dong Silver
} is a character in Treasure Island.  You just don't get it, do you?
} That kind of stuff won't wash any more.
}
} My interpretation of Pharaoh's dreams is: Joseph is going to stay in
} jail until his butt rots off.  I know you: next you'd be trying to
} convince Orrie that a good Jewish family like yours would really LIKE
} to take a vacation in Egypt.  Give me a break.
}
} Lisa
} Oracular Consort


492-06    (27bb3 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise & most venerable Oracle,
>       Where did I get the bug that caused this horribly sore throat?
> I'd like to strangle the person who passed it on to me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, at times the ignorance of my supplicants does indeed amuse me, you
} see, sore throats are caused by viruses, not "bugs" which are actually
} just insects and cannot cause cold or flu type symptoms.  Most likely
} you received your sore throat when...
}
} ...BUZZZZZZZZZZZBUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZBUZZZZZZZZZZZBUZZZZZZZZZZ...
}
} ...huh, what was that.  Oh well, never mind.  Like I was saying, you
} probably got the sore throat from when you were necking in the back of
} your dad's car not wearing any clothes and had the window down in all
} that cold weather.  What I suggest is that...
}
} ...BUZZZZZZ CRASH CLATTER BOOM THUNK CRASH BANG BOOM...
}
} What the?  Who are you?
}
} "What we are izz unimportant.  We are taking over this puny planet and
} all itzz peoplezz."
}
} You're just a bunch of insects, aren't you?  You can't take over a
} planet.
}
} "Why not, we already outnumber all you lifeformzz combined.  We shall
} be victoriouzz!"
}
} But how?
}
} "The plan izz already underway.  We shall poizzon all of the human
} zzitizzenzz of Earth causing them to have terrible zzore throatzz.
} Already much of the population izz infected."
}
} It'll never work you know.
}
} "Why not?"
}
} Because of this. <Oracle pulls can out from behind back and begins
} spritzing liberally>
}
} "RAID!" <dies>
}
} Anyhow, like I was saying, just get plenty of rest, drink some chicken
} soup, and avoid watching the movies Them, Ants, or Damnation Alley.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new can of Raid, just in case.


492-07    (3a858 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> de hep de ho!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is correct, but only when the rhino is in heat.  If not, the
} watermelons will not burst at the proper moment, and most of the
} radiation will escape.
}
} You owe the Oracle the shang-a-lang-a-ding-dong.


492-08    (46f72 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orkle,
>
> my brothur Jason he sais you are a Dog-doo and
> yuo haaave a Penis:brain and you pOop in yor
>  Pants!! too
>   and it smels reel bad!
>
> (my brothur Jason sais that)
>
> anywy he lifes at 324 elm St.
>
> P.s.  he sleeps in the TOP bunk.  be reel
> carful im in the botum one
>
> yur friend
> Christopher

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DAILY NEWS    15 October 1992
}
} At approximately 3:30 this morning, flames erupted from the house of
} the _________ family, of 324 Elm Street.  They appear to have started
} from the bunk bed in the room of the children;  neighbors claim that
} they were awakened early in the morning by a tremendous noise which one
} woman described as "A sort of enormous *ZOT*."  Christopher, the son
} who lived in the top bunk, was consumed instantly by the flames, but
} strangely enough, Jason, who slept in the top bunk, was completely
} unharmed.  Jason claims that his brother, who was in the words of their
} father "An incorrigible liar," began screaming, evidently in a
} nightmare, that he was sorry that he had lied to the Oracle.  The cause
} of the fire is still being investigated.  Foul play is suspected.


492-09    (485c5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose DefaultDepth( display ) == 4096,
> and whose screen is 400 megapixels wide,
> I hear you use tvtwm.
>
> Could you mail me your .twmrc?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ACTUALLY, THE MY GRAPHICS WORKSTATION I
} S BROKEN AND I HAVE TO LOG IN FROM MY A
} PPLE II+.  WITH A 300-BAUD MODEM.  SO Y
} OU SEE, I WOULD SEND THE FILE IF I COUL
} D, BUT IT'S A BIT TOUGH WHEN HALF THE C
} HARACTER SET COMES OUT BLINKING OR IN F
} UNNY COLORS.
}
} YOU OWE THE ORACLE AN 80-COLUMN CARD. F
} AST!


492-10    (26ae2 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle fine o fine o fine o fine o most fine fine fine,
> as fine as a fine fine line, as thick as the universe is wide,
> tell me tell me oh yes tell me pleeeeeeease:
>
> If James T. Kirk and Wesley Crusher were pitted against each other in
> interstellar warp-enabled disrupter-equipped garbage scows of
> equivalent fire power, which one would win an emmy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You deserve an Emmy for that rather strange performance during your
} grovel.  How did you get the llama to hold still through all of that?
}
} Anyway, back to the question.  If your scenario occurred during a
} film, say "Star Trek VII:  The Quest for Easy Profit," then neither
} would win an Emmy...movies aren't eligible.
}
} So I'll assume that you are talking about an episode of STTNG
} (tentatively titled "Pimply Boy Genius vs. Admiral Overact").  Kirk is
} mighty quick on the trigger ("We come in peace, shoot to kill") and
} therefore will fire first in any engagement, but that Wesley is a
} clever wombat and will no doubt warp out of the way.  Kirk will then
} disable Wesley's garbage scow with a well-timed burst of photon
} torpedoes and used condoms.  His victory will be short-lived, however,
} as Wesley will build a 43 terawatt cannon out of some bolts and a wad
} of old Hamburger Helper and use it (the cannon) to remove Kirk's warp
} drive.
}
} The Emmy, however, will go to Worf, who enters the fray by command of
} Picard and takes Crusher and Kirk out with a hand phasar and some
} well-placed boots to the head.
}
} You owe the Oracle a date with Troi.


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