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Internet Oracularities #494

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494, 494-01, 494-02, 494-03, 494-04, 494-05, 494-06, 494-07, 494-08, 494-09, 494-10


Usenet Oracularities #494    (40 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 26 Oct 1992 21:28:27 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
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For example:
   494
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

494   40 votes 7b994 33be9 5ce54 09dg2 28h76 8ia31 d6d53 17df4 9be51 f8854
494   2.9 mean  2.8   3.6   2.8   3.3   3.2   2.3   2.5   3.4   2.5   2.4


494-01    (7b994 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh greatest of the great, bequeath a pearl of knowlege upon one of your
> humble suplicants...Tell me why every time I attempt to write with a
> question, my mind becomes fuzzy, the room spins, and I lose all
> concentration.  Even now this begins...help me oh great one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your problem is a common one among supplicants, so don't worry.  Many
} supplicants have problems performing under pressure.  Here are a few
} helpful hints:
}
}       1) Relax!  If you can't think of a question it's not the end
}       of the world.  Ironically, if you can take some of the pressure
}       to perform away, your chances of coming up with a question
}       improve.  Just keep in mind that the Oracle is here for you
}       anytime; whenever you want to ask, I'm just a "tellme" away.
}
}       2) When you're trying to ask the question, try fantasizing about
}       the answer; think about your feelings for the Oracle, and imagine
}       how exiting it is to be answered.  Focus on some aspect of the
}       Oracle; ie, my Omniscence.
}
}       3) As you feel the question starting to become solid in your
}       mind, don't force it.  Just continue fantasizing, instead of
}       concentrating on making the question the best question you've
}       ever written.
}
}       4) If all else fails, precede the question by some groveling.
}       The Oracle finds grovelling very exiting, and you may find that
}       it stimulates a question on your part.  And even if you don't
}       come out of it with a question, that's ok; a little grovelling
}       is pleasurable for both partners, even if it doesn't result in
}       a question/answer intercourse.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cigarette.


494-02    (33be9 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@hew.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> % man oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACLE(1)           UNIX Programmer's Manual               ORACLE(1)
}
} NAME
}      oracle - omniscient answerer of nonstandard questions
}
} SYNOPSIS
}      mail -s 'tell me' oracle@cs.indiana.edu
}
} DESCRIPTION
}      The Oracle reads a question from a supplicant and responds with
}      either an answer or a <ZOT!>, as appropriate.
}
}      The question is read from standard input.  The question must be
}      preceded by a grovel.  The absence of a grovel may result in a
}      <ZOT!>.  Questions about woodchucks may also result in <ZOT!>s.
}
}      If the input contains a valid grovel followed by a valid
}      question, the Oracle will return an answer and a statement of
}      tribute owed.
}
} EXAMPLES:
}
}   The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
}   Your Question was:
}
}   > Oracle, you are wise beyond your infinite years.  Please help
}   > this struggling parent.
}   >      My teenage son, Jason, is basically a good kid, but lately
}   > has begun seeing a girl, named Anne, who I believe is a bad
}   > influence.  Since he has been seeing her, he has done very
}   > poorly in school, and has taken up smoking.  Please tell me,
}   > what should I do?
}
}   And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
}   } You must lay down the line with Jason.  Simply sit him down and
}   } say, "Jason, from now on, you're going to be a better student.
}   } You are going to stop seeing Anne, and you're going to stop
}   } smoking.
}   }
}   } "No F's, Annes, or butts.
}   }
}   } "Or I'll tell you an even worse pun."
}   }
}   } You owe the Oracle an even worse pun.
}
}   The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
}   Your question was:
}
}   > % man oracle
}
}   And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
}   } ORACLE(1)           UNIX Programmer's Manual               ORACLE(1)
}   }
}   } NAME
}   }      oracle - omniscient answerer of nonstandard questions
}   }
}   } [ and so on, repeating the man page ...  -ed ]
}   }
}   }   The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
}   }   Your question was:
}   }
}   }   > % man oracle
}   }
}   }   And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}   }
}   }   } ORACLE(1)          UNIX Programmer's Manual            ORACLE(1)
}   }   }
}   }   } NAME
}   }   }      oracle - omniscient answerer of nonstandard questions
}   }   }
}   }   } [ and so on, repeating the man page ...  -ed ]
}   }   }
}   }   }   The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
}   }   }   Your question was:
}   }   }
}   }   }   > % man oracle
}   }   }
}   }   }   And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}   }   }
}   }   }   } Hey-- wait a second!  There's no grovel in that question!
}   }   }   } You're dust!
}   }   }   }
}   }   }   } <ZOT!>
}   }   }   }
}   }   }   } (Phew!  I thought I'd be stuck in that loop forever!)
}   }   }   }
}   }   }   } What's left of you owes the Oracle a grovel.
}   }   }
}   }   } BUGS:
}   }   }
}   }   }     Sometimes takes a while to detect the absence of a grovel.
}   }   }     Can get caught in interminable loops.
}   }   }
}   }   } Printed 10/24/92         October 24, 1992                      1
}   }
}   } BUGS:
}   }
}   }     Sometimes takes a while to detect the absence of a grovel.
}   }     Can get caught in interminable loops.
}   }
}   } Printed 10/24/92         October 24, 1992                       1
}
} BUGS:
}
}     Sometimes takes a while to detect the absence of a grovel.
}     Can get caught in interminable loops.
}
} Printed 10/24/92         October 24, 1992                       1


494-03    (5ce54 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and endless answerer of random questions, tell me:
>
> Where have all the supplicants gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <STRUM.  STRUM.  STRUM.>
}
} Where have all the supplicants gone,
} Long time passing?
} Where have all the supplicants gone,
} Long time ago?
} Where have all the supplicants gone?
} Gone after Ph.D.'s every one
} When will they ever learn,
} When will they ev-er learn?
}
} Where have all the Ph.D.'s gone,
} Long time passing?
} Where have all the Ph.D's gone,
} Long time ago?
} Where have all the Ph.D's gone?
} Gone for post-docs every one
} When will they ever learn,
} When will they ev-er learn?
}
} Where have all the post-docs gone,
} Long time passing? [etc]
} Gone for underpaid overloaded part-time non-tenure track jobs every one
} When will they ever learn,
} When will they ev-er learn?
}
} Where have all the UOPTNTTJs gone [etc]
} Gone on Welfare every one
} When will they ever learn,
} When will they ever learn?
}
} Where have all the Welfare bums gone,
} Long time passing?
} Where have all the Welfare bums gone,
} Long time ago?
} Where have all the Welfare bums gone?
} They're brain-dead Supplicants, every one
} When will they ever learn,
} When will they e-e-e-ver learn?
}
} You owe the Oracle a translation into fifteen major languages of his
} new song in time for the next Folkies for World Peace conference.


494-04    (09dg2 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most munificent Oracle, who resides in the House of Everlasting
> Felicity, who has a huge box of 24-bit Crayola crayons, who
> drives a V-12 titanium Lexus, the Oracle who once chucked wood
> in his youth (but didn't inhale), I beseech thee to edify me
> with the answer to my most lowly question:
>
> Last night I crushed an anthill under my foot.  Now I'm afraid
> the ants will be trapped in there forever.  What do I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of all the pumpkin headed supplicants!  That ant hill was a
} look-out post for the ant's eminent invasion of your city!  Did you
} think you could stop the trancendently sublime exoskeletal revolution
} so easily?  What were you thinking?  It's a holy war!
}
} It was a mob scene.  The ant leader, !!ch!pw!n!, hopped onto a fern
} leaf and gesticulated wildly with his forward set of appendages for
} nearly an ant-hour, screaming something pretty damn wierd about the
} Coming of the Great Sign.  You see, the ant religion, !!!!!, carries
} the promise of the Great Sign, which is the 904th Vision of the
} religious symbol:
}
}                                Nike
}
} The heroic martyr !!g!pbvl! was able to clack, with his last clickity,
} !!N!, before being squished into an oily spot in the dirt by the sole
} of your over-priced-and-under-featured-cross-training-sneakers,
} thereby beginning what will be the longest and bloodiest war in ant
} and human history.
}
} When !!ch!pw!n! heard of this Glorious Vision, he consulted the
} knights of !, who in turn suggested that he contact the great Usenet
} Oracle.  Transcript follows:
}
} |The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} |Your question was:
} |
} |> !p!! !!o!!! !
} |> !w !q !wz! !v
} |>                     Nike
} |>  !?
} |
} |And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} |
} |} ! !x!! ! !p !p! !
}
} ! !x!! ! !p !p! ! was all they needed to hear.  And with this great
} Oracle's battle cry, the ant population of your entire county are now
} bent on one single rabid desire which will soon consume the entire
} planet!
}
} As you read this, the ants have burrowed, climbed, and coagulated into
} one swarming unit of terror and are screaming ! !x!! ! !p !p! ! in a
} way that will bring sheer horror to all humanity before they're done.
} Guess where they're headed first, Pavlo.
}
} Oh, and by the way, ! !x!! ! !p !p! ! means "Paybacks are Hell".
}
} You owe the Oracle a small woodland creature and a funnel.


494-05    (28h76 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and Wise Oracle, whose armpits I am not worthy to smell...
>
> Where do I have to go and What do I have to do in order to
> get Three wishes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You used those up YEARS ago.  What, did you think you can go out and
} buy MORE wishes?  According to my records,
}
}       1. You got away from your parents.
}       2. You got Internet access.
}       3. You got laid.
}
} Anything more you'll just have to do yourself ...


494-06    (8ia31 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, this is Cygnus.  You know, the God of Balance?
>
> And I just need to know for one of my supplicants why the
> Oracularities have been coming so slow lately?  (I understand that the
> number of posts from BIFF! is increasing to balance out the
> Oracularity debt.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cygnus, whose question is cygnificant, I tell you this:
}
} The Oracularities Quality Control Inspectorate have deemed the level
} of original/relevant material in the Oracular Flow to be unworthy of
} inclusion in the normal Oracularities Digest.
}
} Lesser systems will grow to fill the gap, but never mind the quantity:
} Feel the quality! There is only one Oracle, His (or Hers) shall reign
} supreme.
}
} Meanwhile: Convince thy Supplicants to spend a little more time
} devising an answer or question that merits inclusion in the Digest,
} and then, only then, shall the rate of transmission of Oracularities
} speed up.
}
} Regards,
} T. H. E. Oracle.


494-07    (d6d53 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi there Oracle!  I don't<how>really need advice...I just want to
> <much>compliment you on the fine<wood>job you are doing, and your
> infinite patience<would> with us mere, lowly mortals.  In<a>your
> position, I know I would crack<woodchuck>under the pressure,
> surrounded with complete idiots as you are.  It's<chuck>amazing,
> the number of trivial<if>questions you choose to answer each day, all
> with such humor!  I wish I could help<a>lighten your load, but of
> course that's<woodchuck>only wishful thinking.  How<would>could a
> measly human<chuck> like myself help Your Greatness with such a task?
>
> Please, give my love to<chuck>Lisa...
>
> Humble supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has a new toy.
}
} It's a metamorphosis-gun.
}
} So, you like woodchucks, eh?
}
} <ZZZZAP!>
}
} My, you certainly make a cute lil' woodchuck, you know that?
}
} You owe the Oracle photos of your first copulation with a female
} woodchuck.


494-08    (17df4 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@hew.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O splendiferous Oracle, whose pores exude the very Water Of Life,
> please answer my humble question.
>
> When turtles retract their heads into their skulls, do their spines
> bend, or do they shrink?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, they bend or shrink.  Oh hell, I guess I can't get away that
} easily, can I?  (Well, I _can_, I'm the Oracle, but my reputation is at
} stake here.  I guess I'll have to call up my old friend, Aristotle.)
}
}       (sound of touch tones)
}
}       Hi, it's Del, yeah, it's been a few centuries, we really ought
}       to do lunch soon, by the way, I have one of those trivia
}       questions for you; remember that taxonomy you did about
}       turtles, where they have spines, and I asked you what did you
}       need a spine for in a turtle ...
}
}       (pause)
}
}       Oh, _Zeno_, sorry, I was calling for Art.  No, I don't care
}       about who won the race.  I always thought that little scam was
}       a bit contrived, but as you've pointed out, I should stick with
}       the prophecy and leave the mathematics to the philosophers.
}       Forget about lunch.  Sorry, I have to ring off, I have an
}       important call to make, bye ....
}
}       (sound of hookswitch and more touch tones)
}
}       Hello, I'd like to speak with Aristotle, please?  Yes, I'll
}       hold.
}
}       (drumming fingers, more drumming fingers, envelopes opening,
}       pretzels munching, more drumming fingers...)
}
}       Art, this is Del, thanks, fine, you sound busy.  Oh, they found
}       out about those genetic stubs that got away?  I _told_ you not
}       to try out that auto-installation scheme, the host organizms
}       would really rather be able to choose which organ gets infected
}       instead of always having to put the patches in their ...
}       sorry, I know, not my job.  Anyway, here's one from the net
}       that I couldn't find in the FAQ.  When the turtles retract
}       their heads, what goes on with the spine?  Sure they have a
}       spine; you told me that the reptiles were vertebrates and that
}       all vertebrates have spines, so the turtles must have spines,
}       right?  No, I'm not going to call Zeno about my logic, you know
}       how I get when I talk to him.  Besides, we've got a user in the
}       field whose taken the cover off of one of these things.  No, I
}       don't know what he was trying to do inside, and I don't want
}       to.  He just wants to know about the retraction mechanism on
}       the neck.  Sure, I'll hang on.
}
}       (scribbling on pad, drumming fingers, spilled coffee, sounds of
}       minor panic, sighing)
}
}       Took you long enough.  So you were still documenting back then,
}       eh?  Ok, neck retraction mechanism.  What do you mean, it's
}       gone?  The whole section?  You probably didn't document it.
}       Come on,  I know you better than that.  How do you think they
}       ended up putting teats on a beast that has a beak?  Don't you
}       remember how hard it was to jury-rig that interface before the
}       second generation came along?  Took us all summer, and a good
}       thing that the first batch of eggs got eaten.  Listen, just
}       make a guess, will you?  Yeah, maybe they'll swallow that.
}       Sure, I'll remind them.  Say, thanks, and give me a call
}       sometime about lunch, will ya?  Bye.
}
} Okay, here's the answer.  The turtle's neck retracts like a crab's eyes
} do.  In fact, the crab-eye mechanism was modified and incorporated into
} the new design.  Take the cover off of a crab and have a look.
}
} You owe the Oracle the missing section in the turtle document, with
} redlines and new graphics.  (actually, a copy of the crab-eye document
} will do in a pinch :-).


494-09    (9be51 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Brilliant, all-seeing, fresh-scented Oracle,
>       My girlfriend now refuses to make love unless I'm wearing a Bill
> Clinton Hallowe'en mask and she's wearing a Barbara Bush one.  She's a
> Perot supporter and I'm a Libertarian (supporting Marrou).  Her parents
> are socialists and mine are Reagan Republicans.  So why does she insist
> on these silly masks?  It's hot and uncomfortable, and doesn't even
> make any sense as a political statement.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Well, believe it or not, you're not alone.  Lisa's been trying
} to get me to wear this absolutely atrocious Lyndon LaRouche mask for
} the past six months.
}         Anyway, don't be so quick to say it doesn't make sense as a
} political statement.  What you two do when you wear those masks is
} exactly what either candidate will do to this country when they get
} elected.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Marrou/Lord campaign button and Rush Limbaugh's
} FCC license.


494-10    (f8854 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well, it's four years later.  How are you doing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm fully recovered, surprisingly enough, but the Cat may never go near
} the telephone book again...


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