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Internet Oracularities #495

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495, 495-01, 495-02, 495-03, 495-04, 495-05, 495-06, 495-07, 495-08, 495-09, 495-10


Usenet Oracularities #495    (39 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1992 13:00:58 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   495
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

495   39 votes 38i73 33b9d 5ah43 4ia34 8hc20 07bc9 65e77 6fd41 9ad52 36e88
495   2.9 mean  3.0   3.7   2.7   2.6   2.2   3.6   3.1   2.5   2.5   3.3


495-01    (38i73 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Look: You're doing it again!
>
> |--- Forwarded mail from The Usenet Oracle <oracle@edu.indiana.cs>
> |
> |  The Usenet Oracle is pondering your question.
> |
> |  Expect an answer in a day or two.
> |
> |--- End of forwarded message from The Usenet Oracle.
>
> What's the meaning of this?
>
> Arrogantly,
> Haar d'Vaark.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Usenet Oracle is pondering your fate.
}
} Expect an answer in a day or two.


495-02    (33b9d dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> BEAUTY UND DER BEAST
>
> Ein grosser Beast mit Tuskentoothen und Flamisheyeballen hat ein
> beautischer Fraulein gekidnappen. Ach! Das Fraulein war homesickisch
> mit screamen und wailen. Finalisch, der Beast hat mit der yellen
> upfedden und hat die Beauty releasen.
>
> Was after that gehappenen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well! Ich kann you tellen:
}
} Soonisch after das Fraulein departen ist, hat der Beast mit yearnen
} obergekommen, und er hat die Beauty zu returnen wanten. Das Freulein
} hat also deciden, "Beneathen der uglischer Outercoaten hat ein softisch
} Heart gethumpen."
}
} Himmel! Die Beauty ist returnen, und hat der Beast downcasten mit
} gloomen Pussen gefunden. Mit quickish rushen hat das Fraulein der Beast
} gegrabben, und der Lippenkissen onputten!
}
} Ach du Lieber! Der kissen hat ein Magickerspelle gebroken, und hat die
} Fraulein eine grosse Beastin mit Tuskentoothen und Flamisheyeballen
} bekommen!
}
} Du owest der Orakel ein bigsten, guten, wunderbaren Story zu tellen.


495-03    (5ah43 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most great and fantabulous Oracle,
> Your stories all seem allegorical.
>      These stories so silly,
>      Happened they, really?
> Or are they devices rhetorical?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O supplicant, groveling and teary,
} Your annoyances make me quite weary.
}  My stories are truth --
}  Yet, doubt me, in sooth!
} A <ZOT!> now would be much more cheery!
}
} You owe the Oracle greater faith and an Italian sonnet.


495-04    (4ia34 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ancient-wisdom-equipped Oracle,
>  How do I get my girlfriend to stop impersonating Anita Hill?  I
> mean, the dyed skin and rubber pieces glued to her face and the wig do
> make her look kind of cute, and she's got that neat voice just right,
> but whenever I try to cuddle her she says I'm harassing her sexually.
> Now, I'm sure that the *real* Ms. Hill doesn't act like that, quite,
> so what can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1)  DO NOT hire her as a personal assistant.  Whenever she tries to
} help you with your work, say "I'm sorry, I don't believe in mixing my
} business with my personal life.  Let's just keep it a strictly romantic
} relationship, OK?"
}
} 2)  No Coke.  Pepsi.
}
} 3)  Don't wear your black bathrobe anymore.  Bad associations.
}
} 4)  Try to remind her, in subtle ways, that Anita didn't mention
} 'rassment to ol' Clarence until some ten years after it all happened.
} Maybe then she'll just keep quiet and build up massive resentment while
} you cuddle, instead of protesting.
}
} 5)  If, in about ten years, you're being scrutinized for some public
} office, and your girlfriend comes out of the woodwork, wig and all,
} just remember that, regardless of what you really did, you can just say
} that she's clearly suffering from massive paranoid delusions, and
} everyone whose opinion really matters will believe YOU.  Gotta love
} it.. isn't our repressive maldominated society wonderful?
}
} You owe the Oracle the 1996 President and her husband.


495-05    (8hc20 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I a nerd because I tally my Oracularity ratings on my HP 48SX?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On my list of nerds you are rated as number 3 (tallied on my OR
} 27361SXPQY). Number two on the list is a nerd who only interacts with
} the world via virtual-reality equipment hooked up to a scanner and some
} industrial robots, controlled by a Sinclair ZX81.  On top of the list
} is myself, of course.
}
} You owe the Oracle to calculate the lowest prime on your HP.


495-06    (07bc9 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OK, I'm in jail, I didn't pass GO, and nobody gave me $200.  So what's
> next?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Two possible solutions.
}
} Conventional: Use your "get out of jail free" card.  Or pay your fine
} and get out.  Or try to roll doubles to get out, and if it doesn't work
} pay your fine.
}
} Oracle's Way: Look disconsolately at the board, then idly stare out
} the window.  Suddenly leap up shouting "My God!  My God!", meanwhile
} knocking Monopoly board, cash, houses, and tokens every which way.
} Explain to your partners that you saw an axe murderer peering in the
} window, and dash to the front door, quickly grabbing a pair of
} overshoes from the hall closet as you run before your partners
} notice.  Race around the side of the house and make footprints
} leading up to the window with the overshoes, then throw the
} overshoes into the bushes.  Smear some mud on the windowsill
} and wipe your hands before your partners arrive.  When they
} do, point out the "evidence" and rush back inside to "phone the
} police."  The "police" will tell you that yes, an axe murderer
} had just escaped from the state mental hospital, but that he
} was just caught safely a couple of streets away.  No, it won't
} be necessary for officers to come by tonight, but a lab tech
} will stop by tomorrow to take a cast of the footprints.
}
} Wipe your brow and say bravely, "Well, shall we try to pick up
} the game from where we left off?"  Your partners will shake
} their heads with admiration, clap you on the shoulders, and
} tell you to take a hot bath and a stiff drink and get some sleep.
} You're out of Jail and you've impressed the hell out of your
} friends to boot.
}
} You owe the Oracle $45.  I just lost a paternity suit...


495-07    (65e77 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> rm -r Oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} %
} WARNING: The Universe is going down IMMEDIATELY! Please log yourself
} off.
} %


495-08    (6fd41 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle, what are you and Lisa going to dress up as for Halloween?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good question.  We haven't decided, and the Oracle refuses to use Its
} Oracular Powers to find out exactly (that sort of thing takes all of
} the mystery out of life, you know).  But here's our short list:
}
} 1. J. Danforth and Marilyn Quayle: why not disguise Oracular wisdom and
}    rampant sexiness with goofiness and frigid primness?
} 2. Each other.  We have a neat little body-swapping gadget...
} 3. Roger and Jessica Rabbit.  Lisa would need only a little pinching in
}    and puffing out for the figure...
} 4. Beauty and the Beast (the TV show versions).
} 5. George and Barbara Bush: see #1.
} 6. Bill and Hillary Clinton: disguise Oracular truth and unabashed
}    femininity as sliminess and ill-tempered feminist snippiness.
} 7. English Canada and Quebec -- Lisa looks good in any kind of sexy
}    French getup.
} 8. Clarence Thomas and Anita Hill -- well, probably not.
} 9. Bill Kennedy Smith and Blue Blob Face -- well, it's also a bit
}    dated.
} 10. Rush Limbaugh (two-person suit).


495-09    (9ad52 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come I'm not a lobster yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, Stockdale, I said I'd turn you back into a lobster *after*
} the election.  You're a little bit too early.  Hang in there ...
} it'll be over soon.


495-10    (36e88 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, he that knows what was happening before anything was
> happening, the only Oracle that can answer everybody's questions and
> still have time to make Lisa happy, please answer this supplicant's
> most unimportant question:
>
> If a deaf man falls in a forest and nobody hears it (except you, of
> course), will there be a sound?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To answer your question, we're going to visit my good friend, Mr.
} Wizard.
}
} [You find yourself in Mr. Wizard's kitchen.  He has a little easel with
} a piece of poster board set up.  Mr. Wizard is explaining that the list
} is what you'll need for the experiment you're about to help him
} perform.]
}
} For today's experiment, we need the following items:
}
}   A deaf man.
}   A nicely isolated spot in a forest with nice tall trees.
}   Some rope.
}   A hardhat.  Remember, Safety First. (The Canardian Guardian is a
}     close friend of Mr. Wizard's.)
}
} First, we'll take all our equipment out to our isolated forest spot.
} Shall we go?
}
} [You help Mr. Wizard carry the equipment to the truck.  There is
} already a man sitting in the cab.  You squeeze in beside him.  Mr.
} Wizard introduces you.]
}
} This is George.  He's completely deaf and is going to help us today.
} Are we ready?  Then let's go!
}
} [Mr. Wizard peels out of the parking lot.  As you race through town,
} both you and George cling to one another as Mr. Wizard takes corners at
} 40 mph and weaves in and out of traffic.  Finally, he pulls into the
} national forest and skids to a halt on some loose leaves.]
}
} Now, what's the experiment?  We're here to determine if a deaf man
} falling in the forest will make a sound, if there is nobody else around
} to hear it.
}
} To do that, first we must set the deaf man up.  Okay, bring him over
} here. [You lead the deaf man to a foot high tree stump in the middle of
} the forest.] Okay, now we'll put the deaf man on the stump and put the
} hard hat on him. After all, if he's going to fall, we need to protect
} his head, right?  Mr. Wizard doesn't need any lawsuits on his hands.
}
} Okay, now we'll tie this rope around his waist.  [Tie rope around his
} waist.] Now, we'll run the rope back through the trees to Mr. Wizard's
} pickup.  You go on ahead while I tell our subject here we'll be gone
} only a moment.  [You start back through the trees to Mr. Wizard's
} truck.  Mr. Wizard catches up only a few moments later.]
}
} Now.  We have to make the deaf man fall.  To do that, we simply tie
} this end of the rope to the bumper here [Mr. Wizard does some fancy
} half-hitches, and the rope is secured to the bumper of the truck], and
} then we get in and start the truck.  [You both climb into the truck.
} Mr. Wizard starts the engine, revs it a few times, then peels out with
} a mighty screeching of tires.  There is the smell of burning rubber.
} He hits the brakes and if you hadn't automatically put on your seat
} belts when you climbed in the cab, you both would have decorated the
} windshield with imprints of your heads.  Mr. Wizard turns off the
} engine and climbs out.  You follow.]
}
} I think that the deaf man has fallen.  Shall we go see?  [You smile and
} say yes.  You and Mr. Wizard trek back through the forest, following
} the rope. You come across the deaf man lying on his back, hardhat still
} in place, in a pile of leaves.  You and Mr. Wizard help him to stand
} up.  He's quite pale and shaking visibly for some reason...]
}
} Fortunately, Mr. Wizard knows sign language.  I'll ask him if he heard
} anything.  [Mr. Wizard begins signing his questions to the man.  The
} man begins gesticulating wildly, ending with a rather rude gesture that
} consists of extending his middle finger at the sky in Mr. Wizard's
} direction.  Still gesticulating, he throws the hard hat at Mr. Wizard,
} rips off the rope and stalks off.  You ask Mr. Wizard what the man
} said.  Mr. Wizard is slightly put out and nervous.]
}
} Apparently, he didn't hear anything when he fell.  But, for some reason
} he seemed rather upset.  Something to the effect that if he ever saw me
} again, he would inflict massive bodily harm to me.  He also questioned
} my parentage. [Mr. Wizard recovers his aplomb.]  Well, there you have
} it.  We have proved without a doubt that a deaf man falling in the
} forest makes no sound.  Now, how about trees?  We'll need a chainsaw,
} 10 to 12 horsepower should be enough.  What do you think?
}
} [The scene fades to the credits as Mr. Wizard is busily planning on
} which tree would be the best to cut down.]
}
} Well, there you have it.  Deaf men falling in the woods hear no sounds.
}
} The Oracle requires you to give Mr. Wizard lessons in how to properly
} use a pH meter, and an explanation on why the pH of water is 6, not 7.


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