} To answer your question, we're going to visit my good friend, Mr.
} [You find yourself in Mr. Wizard's kitchen. He has a little easel with
} a piece of poster board set up. Mr. Wizard is explaining that the list
} is what you'll need for the experiment you're about to help him
} For today's experiment, we need the following items:
} A deaf man.
} A nicely isolated spot in a forest with nice tall trees.
} Some rope.
} A hardhat. Remember, Safety First. (The Canardian Guardian is a
} close friend of Mr. Wizard's.)
} First, we'll take all our equipment out to our isolated forest spot.
} Shall we go?
} [You help Mr. Wizard carry the equipment to the truck. There is
} already a man sitting in the cab. You squeeze in beside him. Mr.
} Wizard introduces you.]
} This is George. He's completely deaf and is going to help us today.
} Are we ready? Then let's go!
} [Mr. Wizard peels out of the parking lot. As you race through town,
} both you and George cling to one another as Mr. Wizard takes corners at
} 40 mph and weaves in and out of traffic. Finally, he pulls into the
} national forest and skids to a halt on some loose leaves.]
} Now, what's the experiment? We're here to determine if a deaf man
} falling in the forest will make a sound, if there is nobody else around
} to hear it.
} To do that, first we must set the deaf man up. Okay, bring him over
} here. [You lead the deaf man to a foot high tree stump in the middle of
} the forest.] Okay, now we'll put the deaf man on the stump and put the
} hard hat on him. After all, if he's going to fall, we need to protect
} his head, right? Mr. Wizard doesn't need any lawsuits on his hands.
} Okay, now we'll tie this rope around his waist. [Tie rope around his
} waist.] Now, we'll run the rope back through the trees to Mr. Wizard's
} pickup. You go on ahead while I tell our subject here we'll be gone
} only a moment. [You start back through the trees to Mr. Wizard's
} truck. Mr. Wizard catches up only a few moments later.]
} Now. We have to make the deaf man fall. To do that, we simply tie
} this end of the rope to the bumper here [Mr. Wizard does some fancy
} half-hitches, and the rope is secured to the bumper of the truck], and
} then we get in and start the truck. [You both climb into the truck.
} Mr. Wizard starts the engine, revs it a few times, then peels out with
} a mighty screeching of tires. There is the smell of burning rubber.
} He hits the brakes and if you hadn't automatically put on your seat
} belts when you climbed in the cab, you both would have decorated the
} windshield with imprints of your heads. Mr. Wizard turns off the
} engine and climbs out. You follow.]
} I think that the deaf man has fallen. Shall we go see? [You smile and
} say yes. You and Mr. Wizard trek back through the forest, following
} the rope. You come across the deaf man lying on his back, hardhat still
} in place, in a pile of leaves. You and Mr. Wizard help him to stand
} up. He's quite pale and shaking visibly for some reason...]
} Fortunately, Mr. Wizard knows sign language. I'll ask him if he heard
} anything. [Mr. Wizard begins signing his questions to the man. The
} man begins gesticulating wildly, ending with a rather rude gesture that
} consists of extending his middle finger at the sky in Mr. Wizard's
} direction. Still gesticulating, he throws the hard hat at Mr. Wizard,
} rips off the rope and stalks off. You ask Mr. Wizard what the man
} said. Mr. Wizard is slightly put out and nervous.]
} Apparently, he didn't hear anything when he fell. But, for some reason
} he seemed rather upset. Something to the effect that if he ever saw me
} again, he would inflict massive bodily harm to me. He also questioned
} my parentage. [Mr. Wizard recovers his aplomb.] Well, there you have
} it. We have proved without a doubt that a deaf man falling in the
} forest makes no sound. Now, how about trees? We'll need a chainsaw,
} 10 to 12 horsepower should be enough. What do you think?
} [The scene fades to the credits as Mr. Wizard is busily planning on
} which tree would be the best to cut down.]
} Well, there you have it. Deaf men falling in the woods hear no sounds.
} The Oracle requires you to give Mr. Wizard lessons in how to properly
} use a pH meter, and an explanation on why the pH of water is 6, not 7.