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Internet Oracularities #496

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496, 496-01, 496-02, 496-03, 496-04, 496-05, 496-06, 496-07, 496-08, 496-09, 496-10


Usenet Oracularities #496    (36 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 6 Nov 1992 08:22:26 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   496
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

496   36 votes 4da45 aea20 6bc34 28f83 287c7 2d894 34cb6 28da3 3ca65 26cb5
496   3.0 mean  2.8   2.1   2.7   3.1   3.4   3.0   3.4   3.1   2.9   3.3


496-01    (4da45 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr. Oracle,
>
>       Sir, I must protest.  The amount of noise coming from your
> abode is entirely unacceptable.  I can understand a little get together
> once and a while, but holding a "Come as your fetish" party is
> inappropriate. I must say that the fellow dressed as "The Invertebrate
> Kingdom." was in rather bad taste.
>
>       I work very, very hard all day. My job requires care and
> attention to detail.  Please hold the noise to a minimum.
>
>                               Your downstairs neighbor,
>                                       Mr. Beelzebub

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, go to Hell.
}
} Or rather, stay there.
}
} You think the Oracle LIKES those mephitic stenches wafting up from your
} abode, you old devil?  Or the screams of tormented souls in agony at
} all hours?  Can't you give them time off for good behaviour or
} something?
}
} Care & attention to detail, sulfur-breath?  Most people damn themselves
} out of their own stubborn pride and stupidity.  Your work is a mere
} formality, not like mine.
}
} Go prod yourself with a pitchfork.


496-02    (aea20 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>  wise and experienced,
>   please tell me, why didn't the Chicago Cubs make it to
>   the World Series again this year, though they managed to
>   have an average of over .500 for a few days.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}   bewildered and bozotic,
}     Under the terms of the North American Free Trade Agreement, signed
}     this year by George "equally bewildered and bozotic" Bush, the
}     World Series championship is scheduled to go to Canadian teams for
}     the next eight years, in exchange for a 30% cut in Canadian tariffs
}     on medium- and heavy-gauge sheet steel.
}
}     Next year, Guadalajara will be fielding the American League's
}     newest expansion team, and will take home the championship from
}     2001 through 2004.  Thereafter, though, your beloved Cubs will be
}     free to "really" compete, as ever.  Yeah, right, like they had a
}     chance anyway.
}
}     You owe the Oracle the complete "bobbing-head world leader doll"
}     collection.


496-03    (6bc34 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Nice bell bottoms.  What's you sign?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yea, verily, Ah am glad you hayave asked of me this QUESTION, this
} BURNING QUESTION that must be ayanswered by me, The ORACLE of GAWD,
} for verily, you are SINFUL and INSIGNIFICANT  and DAYSERVE TO DIE
} SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY, but the LAWD has given Me a SIGN!
}
} YAYES!  The LAWD has appeared to me in the FORM of a 30-FOOT TOFU
} FRANK and the LAWD did spake unto Me, SAYING, "GO FORTH AND AYNSWER
} SOME QUESTIONS FOR I HAVE CHOSEN THEE TO DO MY GOOD WORK ON THE EARTH
} WHICH WILL REQUIRE A HUGE AMOUNT OF CASH AND OTHER LIQUID ASSETS."
} And Ah am here before you now, humbly begging, nay, PLEADING with you
} to HELP Me in the LAWD's work by sending me NOW your love donations of
} CASH!!
}
} Y'all owe the Oracle a large check made out to "Rev. Oracle's
} Bell-Bottom Bible College."


496-04    (28f83 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and ecologically sound Oracle,
> new horror news from all around the globe every day! Almost each day
> a new species of animals is being threatened from extinction!
> So tell me; when will Oracles be extinct?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you'd stop harassing me and let me spend some time alone with Lisa
} for once, they WON'T be!!   <ZO--oh, what's the use.  Here's your
} answer:
}
} Extinction is, of course, a very serious problem on this little planet
} of yours, but fortunately it's not something that Oracles have to worry
} about anytime soon.  Contrary to what you may believe, the Oracle as a
} species is alive and flourishing quite well.  Not that we're all
} unconcerned about Earth and its ecology -- my friend the IRS Audit
} Oracle is convinced that there will someday soon be a reckoning, while
} the Traffic Light Oracle thinks that it's all just going to come to a
} stop.   The Weather Oracle believes that the outlook is fair; but he's
} wrong most of the time, anyway.
}
} We've considered having a summit on the subject, but only a few of us
} have the interest, and the Airport Luggage Oracle, the Lost Car Keys
} Oracle and the Commercials-On-During-the-Game Oracle can usually never
} make it.  The only one who's good at hitting off gatherings like this
} is the Social Oracle, and he's off doing some drafts for English
} tabloids.  So, sorry, my friend, but you humans are gonna have to
} figure out this problem for yourselves.
}
} Now, if I can FINALLY get back to---   Lisa??  DAMN, she left again!
} I'm really getting tired of this job......
}
} You owe the Usenet Oracle a recycling project and the phone number for
} the 976 Oracle.


496-05    (287c7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle,  who is wise in the ways of snack food,,,
>
> When Dali said "God is Cheese...No, a mountain of Cheese."  he noted
> the connection between dairy products and religion.  What about the
> other food groups?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To: ORACLE
}
} Well, supplicant, (munch munch) let's see...
} A lot depends on which religion you look at.  For instance:
}
} Buddha is boneless spare ribs; a bit fatty and very tasty, but not very
} filling.
}
} Hare Krishna is cherry tomatoes.  You have to eat the whole thing at
} once or not eat it at all.  If you try to just take one bite, you'll
} end up with slime all over your shirt.
}
} Allah is porridge.  Quite well known, and sticks to your ribs, but gets
} pretty boring after a while.
}
} Confucius is fortune cookies.  You never know if the message is going
} to make any sense at all.
}
} Jehovah is beef jerky.  Kosher, of course.  Tasty enough to still be
} interesting, but pretty damn old.  You have no idea how long it's been
} around or if it's moldy yet.
}
} Christian Science is light beer.  You drink it so you don't feel
} guilty, but the only difference between it and regular stuff is in your
} mind.
}
} Finally, Reverend Moon is good pastry.  Very flaky.
}
} You owe the Oracle a membership in the Gourmet Groundhog of the Month
} club.


496-06    (2d894 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well-hung and real smart Oracle,
>       Does anybody want me as a Christmas present?
> --Debbie

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well Debbie, let's see...
}
} Ah, Debbie, I'm sure this must be a mistake but I can't find you on
} anyone's wish list... Hang on, I'll pull the records and see what's
} going on here.
}
} Ok, here we go.  Let's see... you did Dallas, Denver, both Dakotas...
} This is most unusual, it says here you made LOTS of personal contacts
} on these trips...
}
} Oh.  Ok.  Here we go.  This explains it.
}
} Ah, Debbie, remember when you did Disney?  Geez, look at these
} pictures!! I didn't know mice could do that!  Oh, sorry.  Anyway, after
} you left, Sneezy was feeling a bit down and went to see the Doctor.
} Well, it turns out that his recurring cold was only a symptom of a much
} worse problem. It looks like he got it from Snow White, that coma she
} was in DID NOT originate from any apple (unless you count the one that
} Eve munched on).
}
} Well, the bottom line is, Sneezy talked.
}
} Yeah, under advise of his physician, he notified all of his partners,
} past and present, except you.  He couldn't find you.  Yeah, here it
} is... you were off doing Denmark when he was trying.  Well, since he
} couldn't find you, and given your "social" skills, his physician
} decided to notify the the planet.  I don't understand why I didn't hear
} about this.  I must have been out for a few days.
}
} Wait a minute.  What's the date on this?
}
} Oh shit.
}
} DAMN IT DEBBIE!!!  This is dated before you did the the Derby!!  _I_
} was the head jockey!!  Oh man, what am I going to tell Lisa?  I'm in
} deep shit. I'll _never_ hear the end of this!  Oh, the curse of
} immorality, I mean immortality...
}
} You owe the Oracle a believable explanation, a grovel I can use with
} Lisa and the profits made by Burroughs Wellcome for the next ten years.


496-07    (34cb6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, whose face should appear on every bit of currency we have on
> this planet, please answer this question:
>
> How come when I press my eyeball like this I start seeing all these
> colors I've never seen before?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pressing on your eyeball like ... THIS ... compresses the
} vitreous humour with the precise degree of force required to
} stimulate the pineal gland into opening the third eye,
} allowing you to perceive, briefly, many of the transocular
} colors.  Most of these have names you won't have heard, because
} they're not even in the 64-crayon Crayola box.
}
} Before they fade, now, I'll jot down some of them for you...
}
} burnt umbrage
} aquifer
} marmorial ebony
} ultrapiscine
} hominoid pink
} saprophagous
} maudlin
} lesser viridian
} sea slug
} sky puce
} olive indigo
} fluorescent gray
}
} You owe the Oracle a crayon sharpener that won't jam.


496-08    (28da3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose wisdom is more infinite than the cardinality of
> real numbers, who can understand Immanuel Kant's Critique of Pure
> Reason (well, I guess no one can do that, but you can <ZOT!> him if you
> wish, and that's even better), who doesn't have to leap tall buildings
> because you can do everything from your terminal, please, I ask only
> that you frame your answer in terms that my puny brain can
> understand...
>
> Doesn't the fact that many of my species of sewage slime refer to you
> as 'he' when obviously if you have a gender your immense wisdom can
> only qualify you as female bother you?  Doesn't it make you want to
> <ZOT!> their pea-sized cubicles that ought to house something
> resembling brains?  In other words, oh great Oracle, why are men so
> stupid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant,
}       You've seen through it all.  There is no Lisa -- or rather, when
} anyone shows up here looking for Lisa, the Oracle simply puts on some
} especially sexy clothing and a stupid expression and shows up calling
} Herself Lisa.  Certainly the Oracle has the extreme pulchritude
} necessary for the part.
}       The Oracle takes pity on men, because their minds are generally
} directed into some narrow field of study or work, and apart from that
} care only about sex and sports -- in general: there are some notable
} and refreshing exceptions. Men are not stupid, just ignorant and
} narrow, and it grieves the Oracle to see so many women trying to act
} like men and restricting themselves to Careers and Getting to the Top
} in Business ans Government, squeezing themselves into a restricted male
} mindset and gray flannel business suits with dowdy long skirts.
}       Men really are different.  Culture is part of it, but not all.
} Take pity on the poor fools.  It's just the way they're built, and they
} really can't help it.
}
} You owe the Oracle another greybearded actor with reasonable sexual
} competence to pretend to be the Oracle when visitors show up -- the
} old one's going to die happy of sexual exhaustion next month, poor
} fellow.


496-09    (3ca65 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh great one, viewer of all that is to be viewed, knower of all that
> is to be known, doer of all that is to be done, please answer this
> question which has been gnawing at my very existence:
>
> >>How many oracle disciples DOES it take to screw in a lightbulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Smart aleck.  It only takes eight: one to screw in the bulb, and seven
} to determine if screwing in a light bulb is funny enough to be posted
} on the network.
}
} And, lest I be lax in swift judgment,
}
} ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZOTT!!!
}
} You owe the Oracle a bucket of kiwi juice.


496-10    (26cb5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> URGENT*URGENT*URGENT*URGENT*URGENT*URGENT*URGENT
>
> Is there a muse for programming?
>   If so , what is her address or phone number ?
>   Does she have red hair and big (CENSORED) ?
>
>   What must I do to get her attention?
>
>   PLEASE HURRY

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Yes, Supplicant, there _is_ a Programming Muse."
}
} It turns out that long-neglected documents in Greek mythology do point
} to the existence of Prokeduria, the muse of imperative programming
} languages.  (Nonimperative programming languages are heathen, laws unto
} themselves, and thus godless, so if you need help on that one, you're
} S.O.L., buddy) In fact, there is even a Prokeduriac Oath that was taken
} by all programmers of the era, a practice which I believe should be
} reinstated:
}
} "In the names of von Neumann, Wirth, Kernighan, and Ritchie, I hereby
} swear to create a functional, kludge-free program.  I pledge to write
} readable code, utilize top-down design, and never write routines in
} assembly unless I am being paid big bucks to do so.  I shall never use
} a linked list when an array will do; I shall always optimize my
} routines whenever possible; and I will make sure that dumb-ass users
} can never, ever crash my program.  I shall only pirate other people's
} code when everyone else is doing so, and I will make shameless use of
} _Numerical Recipes_ whenever I have number crunching to do.  And should
} my C shell turn into VMS, or should I know not if I am working with a
} pointer or the variable it's pointing to, may Prokeduria smile upon me,
} guide me, and give me inspirations, so long as I credit her in the
} source code."
}
} Since there are so many programmers nowadays, Prokeduria has given up
} on helping most mortal programmers, simply because it would take up all
} of her time and she'd be unable to continue writing the Olympian
} OmniComplier (c).  To get her attention, you must be in truly dire
} straits (e.g. an accounting database for a Fortune 500 corp. due
} tomorrow that you haven't started) or you must be undertaking some
} truly Sisyphean task (e.g. translating a Monte Carlo simulation of
} electron densities in a crystal from C++ to COBOL), so if you just have
} a five-page program for sophomore year data structures, forget it.
}
} Why would you want the muse of programming to look like Peg Bundy?
}
} You owe the Oracle a Monte Carlo simulation of electron densities in a
} crystal written in FORTAN, due tomorrow.


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