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20 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 11:44:29 GMT

Internet Oracularities #5

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5, 5-01, 5-02, 5-03, 5-04, 5-05, 5-06, 5-07, 5-08, 5-09, 5-10


Usenet Oracularities #5
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 10 Oct 89 18:37:58 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


5-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are the rumours true that the Oracle is really a secret artificial
> intelligence project being run by a renegade group of psychology and
> computer science professors?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No sirree. Nope. Not at all.  Of course not.  What a silly thought.
} Not renegades, anyway.


5-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me who are you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All wisdom I've kept,
} Truth flows from my pen.
} I rest not (except,
} For a nap now and then).
}
} Most holy and blessed,
} I've lived for all time.
} I state truth (when not pressed
} By the need for a rhyme).
}
} So though all my meanings you often may miss,
} Although I have made many sob,
} If I answered you guys any clearer than this,
} I soon would be out of a job.


5-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that Albert Einstein was actually experimenting with a crude
> form of LSD when he "discovered" relativity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, it is very true.  It seems that the 'intellectual' drug of choice
} was either aspirin or coka cola.  He was actually the inventor of LSD
} but that information has been overshadowed by his other accomplishments.
} Albert Einstein is the father of relativity and the mother of invention
} and the bastard son of LSD.


5-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are they still making pennies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Why are they asking pennies?  For a very simple reason,
} imagine what you would sound like if they stopped...
}       "A penny for your thoughts"
}       "A penny a day keeps the doctor paid"
}       "A penny saved is a penny earned"
}       "Love is like a magic penny"
}
}       If there were no longer pennies, then you would sound like an
} old fart (even if thou art already), and besides, would you really
} want to go to the trouble of explaining what a penny was whenever you
} used one of these phrases.
}       Besides, cashiers have to be able to get their revenge for
} making change for a twenty some way.


5-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We've all heard of rhetorical questions.  What would be a rhetorical
> answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a rhetorical answer: wouldn't that be a rhetorical question?


5-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie - pop?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Surgeon General warns that licking to the center of a tootsie-pop
} may cause cancer, heart disease, birth defects, and
} obsessive-compulsive disorder.


5-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, I asked you "is a zebra a black animal with white stripes, or a
> white animal with black stripes?" and you responded with a Null Answer.
> What gives?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       So I answered with a proper response, considering the
} question.  A zebra is neither a black animal with white stripes nor a
} white animal with black stripes, and thus the answer of the Null
} Answer.  I was under the impression that this was obvious, and so did
} not wish to humiliate you with an answer...
}       However, since you require me to belabor the obvious, a zebra,
} as everyone knows, is a purple paisley animal with black *and* white
} stripes.


5-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh hippopotamic one, tell me, If I am driving my car at the speed of
> light, and I turn on my headlights, will they make any difference ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An interesting question - and most original.  Did you think it up all by
} yourself ?  What a creative mind you must have.
}
} The answer, though, is obvious.  To achieve the speed of light in your
} car for just a fraction of a section would require vast amounts of fuel.
} Since the capacity of your car's petrol tank will cater for a minute
} portion of this massive fuel requirement it is therefore impossible for
} you to achieve this speed anyway.  So turning your lights on in that
} situation is an impossibility therefore the answer is nothing would
} happen because you couldn't have done it in the first place.
}
} Were you to achieve this speed (for the sake of the mental exercise) the
} answer becomes :  "It depends if you are in drive or reverse gear."


5-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I spend 3 hours reading News & Mail each day, how can I reduce this
> time ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Buy a portable terminal, leap into hyperspace and you'll be able to read
} them in MINUS three hours...  but why should you read News & Mail when
} there is a real Oracle available?


5-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does the Oracle have a physical existence?  Is it based on our planet?
> Does it like da-chen chicken?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle looks much like the 90-year-old white-haired moron dwarf
} called Otto Metzger who used to sell matches at the Berliner
} Hauptbahnhof in the 1890s, except that the Oracle is much older, taller
} and more intelligent.
}
} At the moment, the Mighty Oracle is lying badly beaten in a cell at the
} HQ of the Albanian Secret Service in Tirana.
}
} Does ANYONE like da-chen chicken?


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