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19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 22:25:20 GMT

Internet Oracularities #50

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50, 50-01, 50-02, 50-03, 50-04, 50-05, 50-06, 50-07, 50-08, 50-09, 50-10


Usenet Oracularities #50
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 11 Nov 89 00:36:57 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to:
       oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu


50-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've just changed into Lisa!  One of your incarnations, O Oracle, warned
> me that this might happen if I didn't stop mentioning her in questions.
> But I want Lisa, I don't want to _be_ her.  How can I become the old me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, don't worry about it.  I don't have any real power; I'm just
} informational, that's all.  Take a look at those things you mistook for
} Lisa's bountiful breasts.  They're just your shirt pockets, stuffed with
} Kleenex, which you put there last night because you had a cold.  Check
} your groin, and you will find that you still have a penis.
}
} You owe the oracle ...
}
} No, no, you dodo!  Check the *FRONT*!
}
} ...  some more questions about Lisa, but some good ones this time.


50-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am addicted to being the Oracle.  Every day I send up to 30 "ask me"
> requests, and whenever any of the responses I give as the Oracle appears
> in the Usenet Oracularities, the addiction grows even stronger.  My work
> is suffering.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Usenet Oracle is not a toy!
}
} How dare you, a small puny mortal, pretend to be the mighty Oracle.  The
} Oracle suggests that you take 10 asprin evry time you send an "ask me"
} request; this should soon cure you of your affliction.  This will also
} cure you of any other worldly feelings that you may have.  (Those under
} the age of 18 can use 10 gravel chippings instead)


50-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Aren't you really a unwed Wendy-Dilemma'd lesbian humpback whale-nun who
> got pregnant by sitting on a toilet seat in a public restroom in Grand
> Central Station?
>
> If so, I'm the father of your child.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So there you are, you bastard!  You never write, you never call, and
} little Johnny has to tell the kids at school that he's an orphan!!  I
} have to work at being this stupid Oracle all day long, and all I get for
} it is stupid questions and stuff I can't use, like 300 bottles of Dr.
} Pepper, or 25 used condoms!
}
} You owe the Oracle $32,547,891.17 in back child support payments.


50-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where does the pollen go? (refer Grease II).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, some of it goes up, and some of it goes down,
} and some of it goes all about and pollens up the town,
} and some just goes up Bush's nose, and makes the poor geek sneeze,
} and some of it drifts here and there, as happy as you please.
} and some goes so far off to sea, and some hangs in the air,
} and some of that which drifts and hangs gets in my lover's hair.


50-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there any point to Tarot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To mere mortals, Tarot has basis only in superstition.  However, to
} powerful Oracle-type beings, Tarot is extremely powerful.  Some weeks
} ago, I had friends over, and we accidentally used the Tarot deck to play
} poker.  I drew a full house, and there was a powerful earthquake in
} which several people died.
}
} You owe the Oracle one Woody Allen book.


50-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I'm having sex with Immanuel Velikovsky, where should I put the glue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Around your navels.  Be certain to use lots of a good-quality
} cyanoacrylate:  it's a real turn-on for old Manny to be glued by the
} navel to anybody, and with such a glue one has the illusion that the
} bond is permanent.  Acetone or nail-polish remover will unglue you two,
} though only slowly.
}
} Have fun!  Haff Goot Sex!
}
} Ach, schidt!  the Oracgle hass schanged indto Doktor Ruth Vestheimer!


50-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did Fred Sabernick choose to place the following in his kill file
> /: *Usenet Oracularities #*/:j
>       ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because:
}
} 1. In Unix, * matches an arbitrary string of characters.
}
} 2. The /string/:j command deletes all news messages which match string
}    (remembering that string is interpreted as a pattern; see 1.)
}
} 3. Fred Sabernick is a lout and an ignoramus, and therefore prefers not
}    to read wisdom communicated to him by netnews, with this particular
}    string of characters in the header (remembering that the *'s in the
}    string match any string of characters; see 1.)
}
} 4. Fred Sabernick had, at a young and tender age, had his fingers tied
}    together with strings, and is therefore psychologically unable to
}    deal with strings.  (remembering that * may match a string; see 1.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a blue otter.


50-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I have wild sex with Helmut Kohl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1.  First determine what sex Helmut Kohl actually is.
}
} 2.  Learn to moan in German
}
} 3.  Have liberal views on global conquest.
}
} 4.  Most importantly, large quantities of mind-altering drugs.
}
} Not required, but helpful, would be:
}
}   experience with german shepards.
}       b:  a map of Europe tattoo.
}       c:  experience with high-voltage equipment.
}       d:  Extremely low self-esteem.


50-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why not?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why not?  How can you ask such a silly question?  There are so many
} reasons why not that even an idiot could find them.
}
} 1.  The latex would disintegrate -- you *have* to use water-based
}     lubricants.
}
} 2.  The dog would be far too small.
}
} 3.  You couldn't fit all that chocolate pudding in one car, not even a
}     stretch limo.
}
} 4.  The wrestler wouldn't be strong enough to pick her up without
}     mechanical assistance.
}
} 5.  Nobody can eat *that* many rutabegas.
}
} 6.  You have not taken into account the possibility that someone will
}     call the police, simply because of the smell.
}
} 7.  Even if the butler is able to get the drugged Chambourd poured over
}     the salmon mousse in time, he will not be able to make the bed with
}     the new silk sheets before the ocelot arrives.
}
} I could go on, but there's no point.
}
} You owe the oracle a new plot.


50-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I went to a party yesterday - or anyway I think so, I can't really
> remember what I did last night.  When I woke up this morning, however,
> my body was aching in strange places and there was a strong scent of
> perfume in the air.  Also, there were some long, dark hairs on my
> pillow.  To add to the mystery, there's a dress and a bra lying on the
> floor.  And someone is taking a shower in my bathroom!!!
>
> Could you please explain to me hat has happened????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's what happened.  You went to the party, and there were some
} oysters there.  You had an oyster, with horseradish, and then another
} one with lemon.  Then you went a bit crazy, and had three more with
} assorted condiments.  You left the party as if possessed by furies,
} stole a weight set from an innocent sports supply store, and ran home
} and worked out with it.  You have concealed it in a closet.  You then
} tore off your clothes, forgetting to put them in the laundry basket
} (that's the dress and the bra), dyed your hair, and tore it out and
} threw it on your bed.  Then, you threw all the little jars of cosmetics
} and such on your dresser at the opposite wall, just for the fun of
} seeing them smash.  That explains the perfume.  However, you forgot to
} lock your door last night, so Dan Quayle (who had forgotten where he
} lives) came in and is taking a shower in your bathroom.
}
} You must stop eating those oysters.
}
} You owe the oracle a dozen quahogs.


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