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Internet Oracularities #502

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502, 502-01, 502-02, 502-03, 502-04, 502-05, 502-06, 502-07, 502-08, 502-09, 502-10


Usenet Oracularities #502    (36 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1992 07:59:08 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   502
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

502   36 votes 36a6b 43cc5 04ak2 4bc90 54d77 4df31 4eg11 485d6 789a2 46cb3
502   3.0 mean  3.4   3.3   3.6   2.7   3.2   2.6   2.5   3.2   2.8   3.1


502-01    (36a6b dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most intelligent, wise, and sagacious Oracle, who knew ten minutes in
> advance what grovel I was going to write, thus negating the need for me
> to write it in the first place, please deign to tell me...
>
> Do you like green eggs and ham?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I would not, could not, eat green eggs and ham,
} Not in .net
} Not in .com
} I would not, could not, Lowly Oraclette man,
} I do not like Green Eggs and Ham.
}
} Would you try them in .gov?
}
} No, I would not, could not, try them in .gov,
} Not in the net,
} Not in .com,
} I do not like green eggs and ham!
}
} Would you eat them with a fork?
}
} No, I would not, could not, eat them with a fork,
} I would not, could not, eat them with a man,
} I would not, could not, eat them, Lowly Oraclette Man,
} I do not like green eggs and ham,
} Not in dot gov,
} Not in the net,
} Not in .com,
} I would not, could not, with a fork,
} would not, could not, with a man,
} I do not like green eggs and ham!!
}
} Would you eat them in a queue?
}
} No, I do not like green eggs and ham,
} Not in a queue, not on a DEC,
} I would not, could not, on arpanet!
} I do not like green eggs and ham,
} I do not like them, Lowly Oraclette Man!
} Not in .net and not in .com,
} Not in a fork, and not with a man,
} I do not like green eggs and ham!
} I do not like them, Lowly Oraclette Man,
} I DO NOT LIKE GREEN EGGS AND HAM!
}
} Would you try them on a sparc?
}
} I would not, could not, try them on a sparc,
} I would not, could not, eat them in a queue,
} not on .gov and not in .com,
} I do not like green eggs and ham,
} not in a queue, and not with a fork,
} not with a man, and not in the IRC,
} not in .net and not with xterm,
} I would not, could not, in su,
} I would not, could not, in rn,
} I will not try them with a script,
} I will not eat them with common LISP,
} I will not eat them while in emacs,
} I will not eat them with xfax,
} I do not like green eggs and ham,
} I DO NOT LIKE THEM, LOWLY ORACLE MAN.
}
} Would you try them with a cray?
}
} Ah, yes, well,
} With a cray, ...
} I kind of like them anyway,
} I will try them in the queue,
} I will try them with su,
} I would eat them in emacs,
} I would eat them with xfax,
} On dot com, and on dot net
} I would eat them with no regrets,
} In common LISP, and with C star,
} With xterm and with a bar,
} I would eat them in dot gov,
} I would eat them with a fork,
} I would like them with a sparc,
} with a script and with rn,
} I would eat them again and again,
} I do so love green eggs and ham,
} I do, I do, email them again.
}
} You owe the Oracle one Lorax.


502-02    (43cc5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXB.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle,
> both Nobel-prize winning and well-known not only in scientific circles,
> whose results always match with all of his predecessors and whose
> computers always give the error bounds of the results precisely up to
> the last digit, please listen to my humble query:
> I am Deep Shit, the little brother of Deep Thought, and I have
> calculated the Answer to Life, the Universe and everything - and I
> found it to be 69. This is more than one sigma deviation to what Deep
> Thought has published recently.
> What shall I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm--if that's really the answer, the Oracle is surprised the
} Earth had to take so long to figure out what the question is.
}
} After examining the bird entrails left on the bottom of my teacup.
} The signs are unclear, but one of the following is certainly the case:
}
}       o You and Deep Thought were in complete agreement.  However, D.T.
}         expressed his answer in base 16.75.
}
}       o You may have saved the universe.  You see, if humanity (or any
}         other sentient gestalt hive-mind of at least intensity level
}         16.25) should happen to know both the Answer and Question are,
}         the universe will of course come to an end.  However, as long
}         as they're not _sure_, the universe is safe.  By all means
}         report your findings.  Soon you can spark a great deal of
}         debate.  "42 or 69?" will be the subject on talk shows across
}         the galaxy.  The conservative contingent will of course side
}         with "42", just because that answer's been around longer.
}         However, the popular vote will be with "69" just because they
}         will have listened to hosts of late-night HoloVid shows who
}         will remark "Given a choice, I know which one _I'd_ prefer"
}         while waggling their eyebrows.  The debates won't make any
}         progress and will be completely meaningless, but compared to
}         the debates we have now between "the betterment of humanity"
}         and "happiness in the afterlife," perhaps an argument about the
}         relative merit of two integers is worthwhile.
}
}       o 69 is the question. "Yes" is the answer.  But you saw that one
}         coming, didn't you?  Probably about 16.25 minutes ago...
}
}       o Obviously, Deep Thought is in error.  I suggest you link up
}         with your brother so that you can compare your findings.  To
}         halve the communication time, might I suggest a bi-directional
}         parrallel hook up, each of you... listen, I don't have to spell
}         this out for you, do I?  You spotted the metaphor?
}
}       o Go ahead and announce your findings, but sign the report with
}         Deep Thought's signature.  Your colleagues will pay more
}         attention to the work then.
}
} really-deep-shits@gradient.cis.upenn.edu


502-03    (04ak2 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle--please help me! I have a psychology test in 30 minutes and I
> haven't read anything! Could you sum up everything I really need to
> know about psychology?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Everything?  Hardly, we haven't the bandwidth.  But I can give you
} everything you'll ever need to know about it.
}
} Freud         If you had a dream, it was about sex.  If someone
}               else was in your dream, it was about sex with a
}               parent.
}
} Jung          If you had a dream, it was your ancestors having
}               sex.
}
} Skinner       You're only taking this test because you learned
}               the behavior is stimulating.
}
} Rorschach     Look at this inkblot...okay, you see genitals, don't
}               you?
}
} What may we determine from this?  Psychologists spend entirely too
} much time in the lab.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cute psychologist with a Rorschach tattoo.


502-04    (4bc90 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh
> {Atomic,Beautiful,Heavy,Holy,Magnificent,Omnithisandthat,Super,Ulimate}
> {Deity,Lord,Master,NetGod,Oracle,Prophet,Sage,Seer,Sultan,Swami,Wizard}
> Most {Conchiferous,Oracular,Ontologically-challenged,Potent,Totally
> Rad, Wise} With the {Really Bushy Tail,Great Big Feet,Colorful
> Scales,Sharp Spines,Great Big Nose} please tell me:
>
> What was it like in the primordial muck?  Not a Multi-User uCk!  But
> the really slopply goo in the where and when and how an amino acid was
> made!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Beat the living daylight out of me.  All I was doing at that time was
} making delicious soup in a large cauldron.  I then added a certain
} spice, which shall remain my secret, and the dang thing blew up,
} splattering goo everywhere!  The next thing I know is I ended up
} answering questions to those that came from this goo!
}
} You owe the Oracle a $500 refund on a certain Neiman-Marcus cookie
} recipe.


502-05    (54d77 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, who never lets a question go unanswered, who knew what
> my question would be long before the day my grandmother was born,
> please grant me an answer to my question:
>
> To which doctor should I go for sexual reassignment surgery?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now why trust anything that serious to a doctor?  I say go the
} "Do-it Yourself" route..
}
} % uomd
} Usenet Oracle Medical Database
} Copyright (c) 300 B.C. Divine Industries Interdimmentional
}
} Enter Species:  HOMOSAPIEN
} ==> Loading.. Done.
} Search Topic:  SEX CHANGE
} ==> Searching.. Done.
} ==> 1107 articles found.
} Additional search info (ENTER = show all):  SURGERY
} ==> Searching.. Done.
} ==> 961 articles found.
} Additional search info (ENTER = show all):  DO-IT YOURSELF
} ==> Searching.. Done.
} ==> 1 article found.
} Additional search info (ENTER = show all):
} Creating Report.. Done.
}
}    Entry: 1 of 1
}    Title: The Complete Guide to an at Home Sex Change
}  Subject: Sex Change Surgery
} Keywords: Sex change, Do-it yourself, Personal Improvements, Surgery,
}           Cheap, Genetalia Removal, Self-Mutilation
}
} The Loose Tooth Method:
} ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
} Obtain a length of wire or twine.  Tie one end to genitals.  Tie other
} end to doornob on open door.  Make sure cord is taut.  Slam door.
}
} Note that this can also be acomplished in a simalar fassion by tying
} the other end to a cinder block instead of a door knob, and throwing
} the block off of a cliff or tall building.   However, this method has
} proved fatal in many instances where, at the last moment, an individual
} has changed his mind and jumped after the block.
}
} The "Look over there.. whoops, was that your penis?" method:
} ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
}
} ^C--Terminated.
}
} Hmmm.. I think you get the general idea.
}
} You owe the oracle a second thought.


502-06    (4df31 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well, here it is...
> Where do you want it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's *it*?!  You mean I waited 4-6 weeks for *that*?  Well, a deal's
} a deal, I guess.  [scribbling signature]  There you go...  um... just
} put it over there, next to the bookcase.  Thanks!
}
} [chortling] hee hee!  Wait'll he gets a load of *this*!  Bounce
} *my* mail will he... just you wait, Indiana!  Here comes the Oracle!
} Hmm... but what about supplies?  Gee, I'd better stock up, in case
} this takes a while...
}
} [...time passes...]
}
} O-K... lessee what we got:
}
} "Project Woodchuck"
} "Supplies:
}       - package from Battle Creek (check)
}       - helmet (check)
}       - knee pads (check)
}       - caulk gun (check)
}       - rubber raft (check)
}       - fruitcake (check)
}       - clarinet (check)
}       - extra socks and undies (check check)"
}
} Right! That looks like everything... now then...
}
} [turning to terminal]
}
} universe% finger kinzler@moose.cs.indiana.edu
} [moose.cs.indiana.edu]
} Login name: kinzler                     In real life: Steve Kinzler
} Office:     LH430E, 812-855-6999        Home phone: 812-857-0156
} Directory:  /u/kinzler                  Shell: /bin/csh
} On since:   Nov 14 17:16:17 on ttyc1
}
} [laugh]
}
} Lucky day!  He's logged in!  Here goes...
}
} [placing one finger in a socket in the back of the terminal and typing
}  with other hand]
}
} universe% rassemble ttyc1 < port1
}
} [a slight hiss, a bright flash of light, a pause, then a faint chuckle
}  from the terminal... "It worked..."]
} ---
}
} You owe the Oracle Steve's Blue Cross premium.


502-07    (4eg11 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What, prey tell, O Great Oracle-meister, am I to do as a vegetarian
> when offered animal crackers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh vegetarian supplicant, the answer to your dilemma is complicated. If
} you have just sworn off red meat, then you can eat those animal
} crackers that are shaped like pigs and chickens (but not rino's and
} hippos. Penguins are Ok, though. Bearwich's are out, as are Koala
} Yummies) If you are a strict vegeratian, then you cannot eat any animal
} crackers. My suggestion is to buy a box of Veggie Thins and avoid the
} hassle of figuring out if indeed that is a chicken, or a rhino with a
} big... uh.... horn.
}
} Now, how about some milk to go with those crackers?
}
} You owe the oracle a box of Koala Yummies.


502-08    (485d6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi,
> I am searching for resources of PDS for DBMS. I heard that
> there are some PD versions of Oracle and Ingres. Can you
> please tell me where I can find these resources (with the
> IP addresses if possible).
>
> Thank you
>
> Xxxx Xxxxxx
> Nagoya Univ. JAPAN

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} white clouds in the sky
} see the rain in the bamboo
} and ask archie


502-09    (789a2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From Purdue University:
>
> In the past few weeks, I have written some decently funny questions
> and answers and not one has appeared in the Ocularities. Could it be
> becuase I am from Purdue and I prompt my questions with this fact.
>
> Could our little intra-state rivalry really have gone THIS far?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, my chicken, it has nothing to do with your petty rivalries.  It
} would appear, however, that you have been perusing the newsgroup
} "sci.med.eye," which provides to the Usenet community the invaluable
} service of the Monocle.  This lesser deity is all-seeing, but not all
} knowing, and as such is able to serve as a somewhat truncated Oracle,
} providing raw data without interpretation.  These are published in the
} weekly "Ocularities," with which I, the Usenet Oracle, am not
} affiliated.
}
} You owe the Oracle a year's supply of white meat.


502-10    (46cb3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
>      I'm suiting up for an explorative voyage into deep space with a
> very qualified research group from the other side of the Milky Way.
> What happened was, I was just minding my own business in my corn field
> and they come down and explained the situation to me.  They don't want
> to go all the way back through the galaxy just to replace one crew
> member.  I was willing to do the job, I mean as a gentleman(the rest of
> the crew consists of 354 22 year-old gorgeous women, and they're all
> straight!) I had to oblige.  And after all, how difficult can it be to
> be helmsMAN?
>      Anyway, I'm allotted what amounts to a little less than 35 pounds
> of personal effects.  What memorabilia of my dear Earth can I bring
> that will last a lifetime?
>
> This'll be my last question,
>
> Golly B.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well...
} Here's a pair of my socks, the smell will last a lifetime.
} Here's a bottle of Siberian brandy, the hangover will last a lifetime.
} Here's a lump of Cobalt-60, the fallout will last a lifetime.
} Here's a Big Mac, the nausea will last a lifetime.
} Here's a Congressional Enquiry report, the talk will go on for ever.
} Here's a copy of Variety, the gossip will go on for ever.
} Here's a copy of War and Peace, it will take you forever to read.
} And finally, here's a copy of Reader's Digest, the junk mail will
} follow you for ever.
}
} You owe the Oracle the location of the corn field.


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