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Internet Oracularities #503

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503, 503-01, 503-02, 503-03, 503-04, 503-05, 503-06, 503-07, 503-08, 503-09, 503-10


Usenet Oracularities #503    (35 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 20 Nov 1992 10:15:08 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   503
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

503   35 votes 4ec41 4ae52 138da 24f95 257c9 3cc62 07fa3 3cd52 65aa4 674a8
503   3.1 mean  2.5   2.7   3.8   3.3   3.6   2.8   3.3   2.7   3.0   3.2


503-01    (4ec41 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great all-seeing Oracle of Usenet, whose seminal vesicles are Extra
> Large,
>
> Why do I strike when the iron is hot, put my nose to the grindstone,
> have my head in the clouds and my feet on the ground, and burn the
> midnight oil?  It's uncomfortable and expensive, yet I do it anyway.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have asked the mighty Oracle, whose seminal vesicles ARE extra
} large, four questions instead of one.  Now the Oracle must strike when
} the iron is hot, put the Oracle's nose (also Extra Large) to the
} grindstone, have the Oracle's head in the clouds WHILE keeping the
} Oracle's feet on the ground, AND burn the midnight oil... The Oracle
} is uncomfortable, too.
}
} Oracle speaketh thus: Why should the mighty Oracle waste its time
} doing all these things when a low-life such as you could do it
} instead?! What you need to do is find yourself a GRAD student.  And
} cause hardship in the grad student's life.  Make the grad student work
} long hours, slaving over the hot iron.  Make the grad student put his
} or her nose on the grindstone, until it looks like a button.  Make the
} grad student stretch until his/her body is ALWAYS reaching from the
} ground to the sky... And make the grad student burn not only the
} midnight oil, but the daylight oil, AND the saudi's oil.  That is why
} the Oracle has given you the gift of the graduate student.
}
} Go now, and leave the Oracle a graduate student as payment.


503-02    (4ae52 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how can I access zipcode information

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The zip code is a simple binary sequence made up of 0 (representing the
} teeth on the left hand side of the zip) and 1 (representing the teeth
} on the right hand side).  This results in a message consisting of
} 010101010101010101......etc, or 101010101010.... depending on which end
} you start at or which side of the zip you are standing on.  Needless to
} say, this is not particularly helpful or informative, but on the other
} hand it does reflect the intelligence of the occupant of your trousers,
} in that the last figure in the sequence (*not* the total of the
} figures) is your intelligence quotient should you take the time to work
} this out.
}
} You owe the Oracle a non-painful way to get his willie out when it gets
} stuck.


503-03    (138da dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle of the Net,
>
> I'm *dead*, you know.  Can't people get that into their heads?
>
> --Elvis Presley

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It would help if you stopped possessing people, you know. After all,
} I... uh...
}
} {Well uh bless my soul ah what's uh wrong with me,
}  I'm shakin' like a bit in a binary tree,
}  I feel uh omnipotent power flooding through ah my soul,
}  I'm a God... I'm the Oracle!
}  Whoa oh oh... yeah... oh yeah!
}
} Well uh}
}
} now cut that out! As I was saying,
}
} {Well since my Lisa lef' me,
}  I foun' a new net to Use,
}  I zot away now every day,
}  but I ain't got blue suede shoes.
}
}  Oh no uh, I'm feelin so}
}
} I said stop it Mr. Presley! It's behavior like this that
}
} {You ain't nothin' but a supplicant,
}  grovellin' all the time.
}  You ain't nothin' but a supplicant, yeah,
}  grovellin' all the time.
}
}  You ain't never made the Oracularities
}  and you ain't no priest of mine}
}
} That does it! You owe the Oracle
}
} {Take my DOS,
}  Take my Cobol, Fortran, and C,
}  'cause I can't help
}  posting to rec.humor.oracle.d...}
}
} the Elvis' Greatest Hits collection on 8-track!


503-04    (24f95 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle.  Oh wise one, who knows how to make his old
> vinyl car top look like new, how to scramble an egg while it's
> still inside its shell (and also knows why you would want to do
> that.)  One who owns a pocket fisherman, a smokeless ashtray, and
> has polished his car with a space-aged polymer so that he can
> light it on fire and still keep that gleaming shine, please tell
> me:
>
>      How much would you pay?
>
>      $79.95?
>      $69.95?
>
> But wait! There's more... Let me tell you what you also get:
>
>      A 21 volume set of the encyclopedia Britannica
>           (Real handy for an Oracle of your stature)
>
>      A pair of scissors that can cut a penny
>           (As if our government doesn't do that well enough)
>
>      A set of knives that can cut tin cans
>           (But you wouldn't want to)
>
>      Now how much would you pay?
>
>      $59.95?
>      $49.95?
>
>      How about $29.95?
>
> Don't answer yet.  There's even more!
>
>      A years supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco Treat
>           (Goes great with w**dch*ck stew)
>
>      Now how much would you pay?
>
> All this can be yours for only *$19.95*.  Act now.  Use your
> credit card for faster delivery and save C.O.D. charges.
>
>           Ron Popiel
>           Ronco Enterprises
>           P.O. Box 3465
>           Roanoke Virginia 20435
>
> Thank you,
> Your humble supplicant Ron Popiel

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Message from a minion of the Oracle]
}
} We're sorry.   The Oracle is unable to answer your question as it was
} presented to him.  From now and forever your question must be asked by
}
}                      DIALING 1-900-4-WISDOM
}                              ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
}
}         To speak to the most knowledgeble being in the Universe!
}         Yes, for just $4 for the first minute and $9.95 for each
}         additional minute you can ask the most omniscient Oracle
}         about:
}
}                 o   Your Job
}                 o   Your Love Life
}                 o   Latest Stock Quotations
}
}         Juuust listen to our satisfied celebrity supplicants:
}
}         "Well, after talking to the Oracle, I decided to switch careers
}         and become a computer programmer.  The Oracle also helped me
}         decide which Carribian Island to buy..."   - Wm. Gates III
}
}         "Before I called the Oracle, I just couldn't get a date.
}         But after just One phone call, just look at me now!"
}                                         -Wilt "the Stilt" Chamberlain
}
}         Call now!  1-900-4-WISDOM!


503-05    (257c9 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I an asshole?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm... a good question, and one more worthy of my counterpart, The
} Usenet Orifice...
}
} [switch hook...]
}
} "Hello, you have reached The Usenet Orifice.  In order to process
}  your call more efficiently, we have installed this auto message
}  forward...
}       - For cleaning tips, type "1" now...
}       - To make a deposit, type "2" now...
}       - To find out "why", type "3" now...
}       - To digest..."
}
} 3
}
} "Thank you -- your message has been routed to one of The Usenet
}  Orifice's representatives... one moment please..."
}
} *sigh*
}
} "Usenet Orifice, this is Mandy speaking, how may I help you?"
}
} Hi, this is the Oracle in 401H... I've got a supplicant who wants to
} know why he's an asshole...
}
} "One moment..."
}
} ["...nuthin' more than FEEE-lings...."]
}
} "Sir?  Here's your answer:
}
}       'The human asshole serves as a portal through which the wastes
}       from digestion pass.  It is a small opening, however, it is quite
}       flexible and can stretch to allow passage of larger wastes and
}       small rodents.  If the human body were not equipped with such an
}       opening, wastes would fill the rectum, back up into the
}       intestine, and eventually come blasting out of the throat and
}       nose in a fount of vile, offensive spew.'
}
} Basically, sir, your client is an asshole to prevent his owner from
} detonating on the bus."
}
} ummm... yes, thanks.
}
} "You're welcome: thanks for calling The Usenet Orifice" [*click*]
} ---
}
} You owe the Oracle a bran muffin.


503-06    (3cc62 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr. Oracle,
>     I have been reading your answers here for some time now, and I am
> impressed with your obvious compassion.
> The following note was given to me by a friend who is seeking some
> help:
>
> I have a problem, and need your help....
>
> I have two brothers.
> One is a Postal worker, and the other brother was just sentenced to die
> in the electric chair.  My mother died of insanity  when I was three
> years old.  My two sisters were prostitutes.  My father sells
> narcotics. Recently I met a girl who was released from prison where she
> served time for smothering her illigitimate child to death, and I want
> to marry her.
>
> MY PROBLEM IS:
>
> If I marry this girl, should I tell her about my brother who works for
> the Postal Service?
>
> Signed   TROUBLED
>
> What would you suggest I tell him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, well, I am nothing if not compassionate, and anyone who says
} otherwise is looking to get ZOTted!
}
} Your dilemma has moved me deeply and I have given it long and careful
} thought.  My advice is that you lie through your teeth.  Why risk your
} own happiness for the shame of your brother?
}
} On the other hand, you could run into a distinct problem if you live
} on your brother's postal route.  After all, with your beloved being as
} she is... well, the next illegitimate child may inherit certain postal
} tendencies, if you know what I mean.  Of course, if that happens, you
} can always smother the kid to death and I'm sure she'll understand.
}
} By the way, Mom says she wants you to call home and tell her if you're
} gonna be with us at Thanksgiving.


503-07    (07fa3 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [pop]  Oh most omniscient and [pop] wise Oracle, whose feet smell of
> honey [pop] and whose striking handsomness [pop] exceed the magnitude
> of even the [pop] national debt [pop]; I humbly beg for the answer to
> [pop]:
>
>       Why can't I stop [pop] playing with these little [pop]
>       plastic packing bubbles [pop]?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because they [pop] contain an addictive [pop] substance that is
} released [pop pop] into the air when you [pop] burst them [pop pop
} pop].  But don't [pop] worry,  when you run out of [pop] bubbles to
} burst, you`ll [pop] give up [pop pop].  Really [pop].
}
} Unfortunately, [pop] the Oracle has a huge supply [pop pop pop] of
} them, so [pop] It's stuck for a long [pop pop pop pop pop pop] while,
} even at [pop pop pop pop] a high rate of [pop] popping them [pop pop
} pop].
}
} You owe [pop] the Oracle a substance [pop] abuse treatment [pop pop
} pop]


503-08    (3cd52 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that pi=3.1415... and e=2.7172.....
> are the most common numbers in nature, yet we
> cannot represent them exactly.  Do we really
> understand anything?  Is all science at a loss?
> Am I even worthy to ask such questions?  Or should
> I join the billions and just be one of the heard?
> Confused and Uninformed...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's not MY fault you people locked yourselves into such a
} pitifully inadequate system of mathematics which you inexplicably
} centered around, of all the quaint and illogical things, the fingers
} on your hands.  Perhaps you should consider a new counting system,
} based on more important things.
}
} Anyway, God made the important numbers hard to represent so that you
} would pay more attention to them.  If He made them too easy for you,
} you might ignore them and miss the significant details.
}
} Here are some better units to count by:
} The number of angels that can dance on the head of a pin (another
}   irrational number).
} The time it takes Kirk to kiss an alien woman.
} The woodchuck unit.
} The Neilson ratings.
} The area of Perot's ears, combined.
} The number of coconuts a European swallow can carry (an irrational
}   number)
} The number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie
}   Roll(tm) Tootsie Pop.
} Steve Jobs, creator of NeXT (according to his groupies, anyway).
}
} You owe me a slide rule based upon one of these units.


503-09    (65aa4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From Purdue University:
>
>   I asked all my friends if they would have decided when they were
> Freshmen in high school to attend a college with a guy/girl ratio of
> 1/17 and they ALL have said no, and I've asked quite a few. Why then
> does Georgia Tech have such a large student population?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The Oracle is sitting at a terminal, answering questions. Lisa is
} sitting at a nearby monitoring terminal.]
}
} Oracle: Next we have a question from Purdue. [Reads question.] Well,
}    that's easy.
}      "Oh humble supplicant, who really knows how to grovel, Georgia
}      Tech has so many students because..."
} Lisa: No grovel.
} Oracle: What?
} Lisa: The petitioner didn't grovel?
} Oracle: Are you sure? All petitioners grovel.
} Lisa: Check the question.
} Oracle: [re-reads question] You're right. Probably got lost in
}    transmission.
}      "Oh humble supplicant, who probably had a good grovel, Geor..."
} Lisa: [who has been examining the transmission log] No dear. No
}    transmission error.
} Oracle: What?
} Lisa: See for yourself.
} Oracle: [checks transmission log] Oh. Well, he probably forgot; he's
}    from Purdue after all.
}      "Oh forgetful supplicant..."
} Lisa: No answer allowed.
} Oracle: What?
} Lisa: The rule clearly states: "no grovel, no answer."
} Oracle: Well, maybe you could grovel for him. It's so rare to get such
}    an easy question.
} Lisa: I wear the leather and chains, and carry the whip around here.
}    You do the groveling.
} Oracle: Oh yes, that's right. Well, I'll make an exception.
}      "I'll let you get away with it this time, but remember in the
}      future..."
} Lisa: You'll have to ZOT him.
} Oracle: What?
} Lisa: The rule is clear. "Any petitioner who omits a grovel shall be
}    ZOTed. No exceptions!"
} Oracle: Are you sure?
} Voice from above: SHE'S SURE. NOW STOP STALLING AND GET WITH IT.
} Oracle: [looks over his shoulder, nervously] Oh, alright already.
}      "ZOT".
} [A sizzling is heard, much like a fried egg, sunny side up, yolk
} unbroken, surrounded by two - no three - slices of bacon at a 230 F
} heat. A smell of ozone, followed by the odor of burnt boot.]
} Voice from below: AARRrggg g g  h  h  h   h   .   .   .
} Oracle: I hope you're satisfied. [looks glumly at screen] Well, next.
}      [reads] "Oh mighty Oracle..."
} Lisa: er, Orrie dear?
} Oracle: Yes?
} Lisa: Why are there so many students there?
} Oracle: Aha! Caught you! No grovel.
} Lisa: Sexual companions don't grovel.
} Oracle: Are you sure?
} Lisa: Look here, at the USMC manual. "Sexual companions of Oracles,
}    Generals, Colonels and Lt. Colonels are exempt from grovelling."
} Oracle: I thought that only applied to Playboy Bunnies.
} Lisa: That's true for Lt. Cols. It applies to all companions of higher
}    ranks.
} Oracle: Oh. [turns back to terminal and reads] "Oh mightly Ora..."
} Lisa: How about Georgia Tech?
} Oracle: [rolls his eyes, and types on terminal] See - that's the
}    answer.
} Lisa: [stares at screen] Oh - I see - of course - how obvious.


503-10    (674a8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what do women enjoy most about lovemaking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} repetition


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