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Internet Oracularities #508

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508, 508-01, 508-02, 508-03, 508-04, 508-05, 508-06, 508-07, 508-08, 508-09, 508-10


Usenet Oracularities #508    (30 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1992 00:10:43 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   508
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

508   30 votes 37965 05d75 06da1 49863 39e40 48972 58c32 44c46 56c43 6c561
508   2.9 mean  3.1   3.4   3.2   2.8   2.6   2.8   2.6   3.1   2.8   2.5


508-01    (37965 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you do with a drunken sailor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Give him a tatoo of a heart with the name 'Bob' inside of it.


508-02    (05d75 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Your oracle-highness!
>      Bright light of wisdom!
>     I am sorry to bother you again with a rather personal question, but
>     I am in deep despair!
>     Please let a tiny drop of your shiny wisdom fall into my dark pool
>     of stupidy!
>
> Why doesn't she like me? What have I done wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, your grovel has touched this Oracle. This is because you
} are the Ideal Supplicant (tm). See, the Oracle is pleased (tickled
} pink, really) by a good grovel before you speak.
}
} Pretend you are having dinner with Me.  Then you say things like
} "Oh Oracle whose boots I am not worthy to lick, please pass the salt"
} that's good. However, remember that grovels are for the Oracle.
} Plain ol' mortals may not take them well. See, your would-be beloved
} thinks it's weird for you to say:
}
}       Oh Alice whose boots I am not worthy
}       to lick and whose compressed form is
}       still bigger than my disk quota, please
}       pass the salt.
}
} Hey, this is the 90s. The Oracle would certainly pass the salt after
} such a noble attempt. Alice will merely glare at you. Such are mortals.
}
}       Oh Alice whose armpits I am not worthy to sniff,
}       whose toe jam is unto ambrosia and whose tooth-
}       flossings are truly as their weight in gold,
}       can you open this jar of spaghetti sauce?
}
} See, now Alice is really miffed. She thinks you've insulted
} her. Hell, she uses SpeedStick (tm) for Women (regd) so just
} get the hell out of here. You'll be lucky if she doesn't hit
} you with the jar of spaghetti sauce, first.
}
}       Oh telephone operator whose intellect can span
}       Sartre and Monty Python concurrently, (and indeed
}       who knows a MetaWriter to average the two) please
}       tell me Alice's phone number.
}
} After the second line you're talking to a dead line. Telephone
} operators are mortal, too. And not likely to be reading
} Sartre while waiting for you to call.
} -----------
}
} There -- that's a summary of your problem. You're welcome
} to come visit some time, because you are my type. But
} forget Alice. And bring a duck, six feet of twine and
} a small, flat stone.


508-03    (06da1 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who was it who had the great idea of calling a catarrhal
> inflammation of the mucous membranes of the head and
> respiratory tract, along with the accompanying symptoms
> of raised temperature, light-headedness, wheezing,
> coughing and hoarseness, a "cold"?
>
> Aaachooo.  Pass the Kleenex(tm), please.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Adam, in the Garden.  In the original language of Eden given to
} Adam by God, our most common ailment was more logically known as
} "the hots."  But this led to a rather unfortunate scene between
} our First Father and his helpmate:
}
}   ADAM: Eve, I've got the hots, could you get some Kleenex?
}   EVE:  <SLAPP-PP-PP!>  Pig!!
}
} Adam petitioned for a change of terminology, and we've been
} stuck with "cold" ever since.


508-04    (49863 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Most Wise Oracle, He Who Can Truly Be Called "Wise Guy":
>
> Sid Bream crossed home plate just before midnight, October 14th, 1992,
> making the Atlanta Braves the National League Champions.
>
> Is there any cosmic significance to this?  If not, why not?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  That's basically because baseball is only number 4734389801333582
} in rank of popularity of sports in the Cosmos.  Most of us immortal
} beings follow only the most popular two or three thousand.
}
} My personal favorite in Quaxzorkian Field Blmpht, a game which would be
} considered odd by human standards:  sixteen teams, of 12.7 Quaxzorks
} each (don't ask about the additional .7 Quaxzork), mill around a
} playing field the approximate size and shape of Idaho, and attempt to
} do everything in their power not to bonk a street-sweeper on the head.
} This is, of course, complicated by the many random fjords, mountains,
} and mind-control devices scattered around the field, as well as the
} possibility of scoring goals by coming up with the smelliest filibuster
} (the Quaxzorks communicated by smell).  The winning team gets to go on
} a "Build-your-own-Bureaucracy" spree to the nearest galactic
} civilization.  As a result, whenever a game of Quaxzorkian Field Blmpht
} is begun, cries of "There go the neighborhood" resound throughout the
} entire supercluster, and often neighboring civilizations moves their
} galaxies elsewhere.  Still, it is a very exciting game to follow;
} nothing quite compares to the smell of a really foul oath uttered by a
} player that has just committed the ultimate breach of Field Blmpht
} sports ettiquette, a complex and inexplicable ritual that, for some
} bizarrely coincidental reason, is called a "M'kenro."
}
} You owe the Oracle a space-time continuum autographed by Honus Wagner.


508-05    (39e40 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh wise and powerful Oracle, please tell me; is there any
> sociological connection between American society's predilection for
> three-letter acrnyms (CIA, FBI, KKK, etc.) and American society's
> predilection for fouletter words?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *** ALERT ***
}       *** ALERT ***
}               *** Nerd ALERT ***
}
} It has been brought to the attention of the ENDS (Early Nerd Detection
} System) that you have used a GRE vocabulary word (predilection) TWICE
} in the same entry.  Please be informed that armed security guards and
} irritated poodles on long leashes are en route to your house at this
} time.
}
} But in the meantime, to amuse you in your last moments on earth. . .
} the ENDS will redirect your question back to the Oracle. Please hold. .
}
} *** End Transmission ***
}
} Zzzzzzz. . . [snort] Huh?  Who?  Wha?
}
} . Oh, it's you again.  Damn, I have to get these early detection units
} to buzz me before these annoying questions get sent to me.
}
} Alright. . . alright. . . what the hell do you want to know?  Oh yeah,
} the predilection question. . .
}
} American GOVERNMENT has a fascination with acronyms in general, due
} mostly to the fact that the sloths and yuppie monkeys that are running
} this country have little intelligence to spare in the attempt to
} memorize whole names and titles when three easy letters will suffice.
} Why give Quayle a hard time making him remember "Federal Bureau of
} Investigations" when he can just say "FBN"?  (oops, somebody remind him
} that it's Investigations and not N-vestigations!)  An earlier attempt
} was made to switch over to shorter nicknames, like "Goon Squad" for the
} FBI, but massive confusion overcame D.C. when more than one
} organization (CIA, IRS, DEA, etc) claimed the same nickname.  On top of
} that, the government believes that American citizens are like 5 year
} old children who cannot understand that their parents are talking about
} D-I-V-O-R-C-E when they spell it out instead of saying it.
}
} As far as American society and the fixation on four-letter words.
} Well, that's just a natural responsive reaction to the American
} government.  If I weren't omniscient and depended on the government to
} take care of my well being, I'd probably be shouting four-letter words,
} too.
}
} You owe the Oracle. . . oh, nevermind.  The hit squad should be pulling
} into your driveway about now.


508-06    (48972 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, McGuinness here.  Ashamed to say so, old boy, but I'm in
> a bit of a bind.  We're up on K2, you know, at Base Camp 2,
> 6500m, and one of the Sherpas took it into his head to come
> down with acute appendicitis.  Surgeon's down at Base Camp
> 1 with altitude sickness, so it's me or no one.  I haven't
> done this since the Antarctica trip in '74, and don't
> have bloody much more than an expedition knife and some
> fishing leader.
>
> Any advice, then?  And much obliged, as always.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mr. Fichman;
}
} I appreciate the opportunity to answer historical enquiries; it gives
} me something to do other than listen to the meanderings of petty
} supplicants.  It is a pleasure to help you decypher the expedition log
} entry that you sent to me, on behalf of the British Historical
} Society.
}
} Edgar G. McGuinness was a member of the Himalaya Mountaineering Club
} from 1865 to 1898.  Before his fated final climb, he was noted as a
} capable, albeit an eccentric, explorer.
}
} I can understand the confusion here, but "Orrie" is a name reserved
} solely for the use by my closest friends.  In the log entry, "Orrie"
} was the nickname of his pet toucan, Orlando, found on Mr. McGuinness's
} South American Amazon expedition in 1863.
}
} On June 15, 1898, the McGuinness party, including geologist Matthew
} Simpson, botanist Avery Brewster, his personal physician Dr. Peter
} Bridges, and 5 Sherpa guides, started their ascent of K2, at that time
} thought to be the second highest peak in the world.
}
} On July 1, 1898, Mr. McGuinness appeared at the Sherpa village
} Shanzai, claiming that the other members of his party had met with an
} unfortunate accident on the North Slope, buried by a freak avalanche.
} He said that he was spared because he had climbed ahead to assess
} passability.  He produced the expedition log, stating that before the
} accident, there had been one other unusual occurrence, that being the
} sickness of one of the guides, but that the physician had returned in
} time to perform the operation.  The bodies of the others were never
} recovered.
}
} There was one other survivor of that expedition.  One of the guides
} was found at the base of the mountain, incessantly repeating, "No,
} doctor, I don't need an operation."  When questioned, he could only
} add that Mr. McGuinness had told the other members of the party that
} he had seen a thousand points of light at the summit, and that the
} others needed cleansing in order to see it.  Since the guide was
} obviously mad, his story was not believed and the incident drifted
} into obscurity.
}
} However, now that you have asked, I can tell you that the deaths were
} by no means an accident.  Mr. McGuinness had indeed hallucinated the
} thousand points of light and had systematically murdered his party in
} a bizarre ritual.  Starting with Dr. Bridges, he operated on them in
} their sleep.  The lone guide survived because he had gone outside to
} urinate in the middle of the night.  Upon returning, he met Mr.
} McGuinness with his hunting knife bloodied by his diabolical work.
} Mr. McGuinness called to him, saying that the guide was "... sick;
} woefully lacking the purity of your precious bodily fluids.  I can
} cleanse you.  Let me share your pain."
}
} The guide fled for his life, but the shock of seeing his countrymen
} and his charges viciously mutilated so scarred the him that he died
} soonafter, stubbornly refusing the care of any of the village doctors.
}
} Since the truth was never known, Mr. McGuinness was allowed to retire
} from a life of adventure and settle in Hollywood, California, where he
} became a celebrated silent movie producer.
}
} I am sorry that your quest to discover the character of such a man did
} not end in the triumph that you must surely have imagined.  In this
} case, I shall not require payment.  Instead, please accept my donation
} to your Society Museum of 7 pairs of used hiking boots, 3 pairs only
} slightly worn.
}
} With highest regards,
}
} The USENET Oracle


508-07    (58c32 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle:
>
> Recently I have been very depressed over my low grades.  Should I drop
> out of school and go pack salmon in alaska?  I hear the money is good.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I'll have to turn this one over to the experts.
}
}    Bob:  Like, you do the theme song, eh.
}    Doug: No way, eh. Last time I did the theme song, you skipped out
}          and made me look like a knob, eh.  Let's just get to today's
}          topic, eh.
}
}    Bob:  Okay, today's topic is going to school or packing salmon.  Hey,
}          Doug, have you ever packed salmon?
}    Doug: Like, yes, eh, but it's hard to keep it in the holster.
}          What those hosers need is a good doughnut shop up there.
}
}    Bob:  That's all we have time for, eh.  This is Bob and Doug saying
}          goodbye from the Great White North.
}
} You owe the Oracle a #4 tin, a doughnut cutter, and a more current
} comedic device.


508-08    (44c46 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you do it doggy styple?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Styple is one thing an Oracle would rather not discuss. Whyp would
} ypou, a mere mortal, want to know about styple? Ypou are ypet another
} ypak in the flyping fish's mouth.
}
} Ypou owe the Oracle whatever kind of keypboard that has the yp keyp
} next to the p keyp.


508-09    (56c43 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I feel really bad eating those E.L. Fudge cookies becuaze they
> look all like theyr little elves and I once saw this movie called Star
> Wars II and in it Han Solo got frozen and he kinda reminsds me of the
> little elves and maybe those arent' cokies at all but instead they ar
> just little elves all frozzen like Han Solo becasse Jabba the Hut got
> them and maybe someone like an elf jedi is going to come and kill me
> just like JAbba beccause i ate lots and lotss of them the other day and
> what if the cookie z were all his friends or somethin?
>
> Bobby age 6

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Eun-Yung Lee Fujiyoshi opened the door and slipped inside.  He passed
} dozens of rows of little metal shells lined up on conveyor belts which
} filled the room, connected in a long route which brought them in one
} end of the room, passed them through the complicated looking mechanism
} which was the room's only other distinguishing feature, and back out
} the other end of the room. Reaching into his pocket he retrieved a
} smallish key card, which glints dully in the dim light as he lifts it
} to slide it into a panel on the mechanism. Suddenly lights flicked to
} life and a control panel popped open as the machine came to life.
} Eun-Yung chuckled sinisterly as he began touching several of the
} controls.  The conveyors began to move, and suddenly a few of the metal
} shells began to move back and forth and muffled cries emanated from
} several of them. A moment later the first metal canister on the intake
} side of the machine disappeared into its maw, and a brief cry echoed
} through the room as a series of lights flashed on the machine's face.
} Suddenly a loud WHOOSH of escaping gasses filled the air, and clouds of
} vapor spouted out of the top of the machine ....
}
} Eun-Yong moved to the machine's output and watched as the canister
} emerged, covered in frost.  He picked up a glove and lifted it,
} revealing a smallish flat cookie coated in chocolate, shaped like a
} little elf.  He nodded to himself, replacing the canister and moving to
} the one just about to enter the machine.  He lifted that one, and
} underneath was a live elf, bound and gagged. He sneered at the panicked
} look on the little fellw's face and laughed again. "In a moment you'll
} be squashed, frozen, and covered in chocolate... what do you think of
} THAT?"
}
} He left the room, still giggling to himself as another WHOOSH sounded
} behind him.  "Ah, brilliant I am...   I, Eun-Yong Lee Fujiyoshi, have
} perfected the art of making cryo-cookies....  No-one will ever know
} that my cookies are made not BY elves, but FROM elves...  nor will they
} ever know they are named after me...  E. L. Fudge!!"
}
} The door closes behind him and he can still be heard laughing as he
} walks away.
}
} Suddenly the Oracle appears.  "That's the way the cookie crumbles, here
} in ... the Twilight Zone."


508-10    (6c561 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh Oracle, to whom the wisdom of the ages is but everyday
> happening answer me this:
>
>       What is the best way to return romance to my (female) finacee's
> and my relationship?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best way to return romance to your fiancee's relationship is to
} mark it "Addressee Unknown--Return to Sender." If I were you, though,
} I'd keep as much romance as you can. It will come in handy this
} winter, considering that the Florida Romance Growers' Association is
} reportingthat romance crops have been decreasing ever since Kiefer
} left Julia at the alter. And with Charles and Di splitting-- well,
} it's going to be a long, unromantic winter. In fact, you should
} probably just call off the engagement right now. Just to show you
} that I'm not entirely insensitve, I'll tell you what I'll do. Let
} me have your fiancee's number, and I'll console her.


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