} OPRAH: Hello. I'm Oprah Winfrey. Welcome to the Usenet Oprah, a
} wholly-owned subsidiary of the Usenet Oracle, Inc. Today's guests are
} Biff Cheesteak, noted dietician; T. Uchuslekker, noted groveler; and
} Susan Jane McFeely, author of "I'm OK, You're NJ." Let's start right
} off with a question from the audience. Yes, you there?
} AUDIENCE MEMBER:: Oprah, are you on a diet in preparation for the
} OPRAH: I'm sorry, ma'am, you forgot to grovel. Don't worry,
} though, that's just what Dr. Uchuslekker is here for. Dr, would you
} like to take this question?
} DR. T: Why, certainly, oh most rotund Oprah, who is hipper than
} Arsenio, and whose face is even more strangely shaped than Jay Leno's.
} Ma'am, your question was wonderful-- so wonderful that, if ten billion
} monkeys at typewriters typed for all eternities, they'd never come up
} with a question half as good. But, if such an unworthy type as myself
} might be so bold as to criticize you, you seem to be suffering from
} "asycophantia"-- the inability to grovel. Let me help your most
} honorable self (who is such a great audience that you would even
} applaud if Menudo performed a duet with the New Kids On The Block.) OK?
} Let's start off with a simple grovel, for now, and work our way up.
} Repeat after me: "Oh, Oprah, who is OK, all things considered."
} AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, Oprah, who... who... Doc, I just can't say it.
} MCFEELY: Dr. Uchuslekker, if you don't mind my intruding, I'd like to
} say that you're just trying to treat the symptoms of asycophantia,
} without dealing with the underlying cause. You can't grovel unless you
} feel good about _yourself_. Now, ma'am, I think you ought to start off
} with some autosycophantia. Try repeating after me: "Oh, me, who is good
} enough and smart enough-- gosh darn it, people like me."
} AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, me, who is good enough and smart enough--
} [AUDIENCE MEMBER STANDS UP AND SHOUTS, WITH TEARS IN HER EYES]
} AUDIENCE MEMBER: _PEOPLE LIKE ME!_
} MCFEELY: Good! Excellant! Now, try asking your question again. And
} remember, you just have to be the best audience member you can be.
} AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, Oprah, who waxes and wanes like the great silvery
} moon, who is sensitive enough to wince in pain whena harsh voice is
} raised in Istanbul, who has more guests than Lumiere (the charming
} candle in _Beauty and the Beast_), I pray you, answer me: are you
} on a diet in preparation for the wedding?
} OPRAH: Oh, sorry, we're out of time. Tune in next week when our topic
} "Women who use vi, and the men who love them." Bye!