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Internet Oracularities #509

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509, 509-01, 509-02, 509-03, 509-04, 509-05, 509-06, 509-07, 509-08, 509-09, 509-10


Usenet Oracularities #509    (36 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 6 Dec 1992 00:10:37 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   509
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

509   36 votes 23ae7 235ga 6ba54 77a93 75c1b 229i5 a9755 6dd22 11de7 3da91
509   3.1 mean  3.6   3.8   2.7   2.8   3.1   3.6   2.6   2.5   3.7   2.8


509-01    (23ae7 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise, all-seeing, aesthetically-savvy Oracle,
>       So how do you like the new me?  Do you think the plastic surgeons
> went too far, or do you think I'm sexy now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's see:
}
} You've now got wonderful, long, blonde hair.  And I see shimmering
} blue eyes surrounded by radiant fair, blemishless skin, with just
} the right cheekbones.
}
} There's a perfectly aligned, white smile.
}
} <zip, zip, snap>
}
} My! Those are impressive breasts.  Large and round but with no snag
} and just the right amount of jiggle.
}
} Gee, cellulite-free thighs and legs that are perfectly toned, and
} just a little too long to be real.
}
} Why, Mr. Jackson, I think you look beautiful.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Weird Al's "Even Worse" album.


509-02    (235ga dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Masterful Oracle, please answer your humble suppliant this question:
>
> How does one create the world's greatest data compression algorithm?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} .


509-03    (6ba54 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oprah, are you on a diet in preparation for the wedding?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OPRAH: Hello. I'm Oprah Winfrey.  Welcome to the Usenet Oprah, a
} wholly-owned subsidiary of the Usenet Oracle, Inc. Today's guests are
} Biff Cheesteak, noted dietician; T. Uchuslekker, noted groveler; and
} Susan Jane McFeely, author of "I'm OK, You're NJ." Let's start right
} off with a question from the audience. Yes, you there?
} AUDIENCE MEMBER:: Oprah, are you on a diet in preparation for the
} wedding?
} OPRAH: I'm sorry, ma'am, you forgot to grovel. Don't worry,
} though, that's just what Dr. Uchuslekker is here for. Dr, would you
} like to take this question?
} DR. T: Why, certainly, oh most rotund Oprah, who is hipper than
} Arsenio, and whose face is even more strangely shaped than Jay Leno's.
} Ma'am, your question was wonderful-- so wonderful that, if ten billion
} monkeys at typewriters typed for all eternities, they'd never come up
} with a question half as good. But, if such an unworthy type as myself
} might be so bold as to criticize you, you seem to be suffering from
} "asycophantia"-- the inability to grovel. Let me help your most
} honorable self (who is such a great audience that you would even
} applaud if Menudo performed a duet with the New Kids On The Block.) OK?
} Let's start off with a simple grovel, for now, and work our way up.
} Repeat after me: "Oh, Oprah, who is OK, all things considered."
} AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, Oprah, who... who... Doc, I just can't say it.
} MCFEELY: Dr. Uchuslekker, if you don't mind my intruding, I'd like to
} say that you're just trying to treat the symptoms of asycophantia,
} without dealing with the underlying cause. You can't grovel unless you
} feel good about _yourself_. Now, ma'am, I think you ought to start off
} with some autosycophantia. Try repeating after me: "Oh, me, who is good
} enough and smart enough-- gosh darn it, people like me."
} AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, me, who is good enough and smart enough--
} [AUDIENCE MEMBER STANDS UP AND SHOUTS, WITH TEARS IN HER EYES]
} AUDIENCE MEMBER: _PEOPLE LIKE ME!_
} MCFEELY: Good! Excellant! Now, try asking your question again. And
} remember, you just have to be the best audience member you can be.
} AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, Oprah, who waxes and wanes like the great silvery
} moon, who is sensitive enough to wince in pain whena harsh voice is
} raised in Istanbul, who has more guests than Lumiere (the charming
} candle in _Beauty and the Beast_), I pray you, answer me: are you
} on a diet in preparation for the wedding?
} OPRAH: Oh, sorry, we're out of time. Tune in next week when our topic
} "Women who use vi, and the men who love them." Bye!


509-04    (77a93 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most swell, yadda yadda yadda...
> I have this recurring dream where I'm standing in the forest, with
> summer breezes gently soothing me, when suddenly this squirrel near me
> explodes violently, sending clumps of burning fur and internal organs
> flying everywhere.  Then I wake up.
> I have two questions, then: 1) Is this dream trying to tell me
> something important about my life, and 2) What if it were a WOODCHUCK
> instead of a squirrel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, now is my chance.  I'm going to run your question through my new
} DreamAnalyzer software of which I have a free complimentary evaluation
} copy.
}
} oracle 29 % DreamAnalyzer < supplicant_question
}
} analyzing...
} "I have this recurring dream where" ---> you enjoy eating apples
}
} "I'm standing in the forest"  ---> you eat too much cold cereal in
}                                    the morning.
}
} "with summer breezes"  ---> your computer account is about to expire.
}
} "gently soothing me" ---> your underwear *really* wants to be washed.
}
} "when suddenly this squirrel" ---> representing the election returns
}                                    from Rio Arriba county, New Mexico.
}
} "explodes violently" ---> represents your dissatisfaction with the
}                           color scheme in your kitchen.
}
} "sending clumps of burning fur" ---> you still believe in Santa Claus,
}                                      the Great Pumpkin, and Unlimited
}                                      Disk Space
}
} "and internal organs flying everywhere" ---> you need to mow your lawn
}
} "Then I wake up." ---> your headwill explode during your next final
}                        exam.
}
} "What if it were a WOODCHUCK" ---> the election returns from Kittitas
}                                    county, Washington.
}
} analyzing done.
}
} oracle 30 % lo
}
} hmm.  most interesting.  I think it is quite obvious whether or not
} this dream is trying to tell you something.  As to the importance of
} that woodchuck, for reasons of national security I feel that I'd better
} not tell you.
}
} You owe the oracle the head of the programmer who wrote this software.
} On a platter.


509-05    (75c1b dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most informed, who knoweth where to true vault of Al Capone be
> hid, and what lieth inside its maw, inform your miserable supplicant
> on a matter of great importance.  There's more talk shows springing up
> than mushrooms on a pile of manure.  What gives?  How can I get my own
> show?  Do you have any plans for a show of your own?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh sure, I can just see it now.
}
} Oracle: Hi Folks! We've got a great show for you tonight. (throws
}         pencil at camera). Tonight, a new twist on stupid pet tricks:
}         the owner is his own pet. Hi there, Woody.
}
} W. Woodchuck: Hi Oracle! It's great to be here tonight.
}
} Oracle: Now, they tell me that you've come on my talk show just to
}         plug your new movie. Is that true?
}
} W. Woodchuck: Well, yes, it is, Oracle.
}
} Oracle: Want to elaborate? Tell us something about yourself for the
}         audience.
}
} W. Woodchuck: Well, as I said, it's great to be here tonight. And I've
}               got a new movie coming out that I want to plug.
}
} Oracle: Hmm. Well, instead of reminiscing about how many times you've
}         been on my talk show in the past, or talking to the band
}         leader to stall while desperately trying to come up with
}         on-the-fly joke ideas, lets go to the pet tricks.
}
} (W. Woodchuck starts chucking wood)
}
} Oracle: And now, we'll take a couple of phone calls from supplicants
}         at home.
}
} ----------------------
} Supplicant: Men follow me. Everyone is watching me. People are
}             constantly plotting against me. Why is everyone out to get
}             me??
}
} Oracle: Because you are paranoid, and they don't like paranoid people.
} Next!
} ----------------------
} Supplicant: Are you really Richard Stallman in disguise?
}
} Oracle: If I am, it's GNUs to me! (drum riff) (bored obligatory
} laughter) Next!
} ----------------------
} Supplicant: Top Ten List Time! Who are the Top Ten Least Loved
} Superheroes?
}
} Oracle: Top Ten List Time!
}
}    10. Spiderman. Spidey, would you *please* drop photography and get
}        a real job? You're only the world's greatest chemist. And stop
}        whining!
}
}     9. The Flaming Carrot. But then, you're supposed to hate him.
}
}     8. Kitty Pryde, who must be about 35 in physical years, maybe 800
}        in terms of emotional scarring. (No, really, she's still only
}        13, honest! Teenagers, look! Someone to identify with!)
}
}     7. Wonder Woman. Love the invisible plane. Very 90's.
}
}     6. Jason, the new Robin. Thanks for giving Batman so much emotional
}        stability.
}
}     5. Wesley Crusher. Didn't you know he was a superhero?
}        "Sorry Captain! My science project seems to have turned the sun
}        NOVA!"
}
}     4. Any of the X-Men who says something like "We've captured the bad
}        guys! Should we destroy them now? No, let's put them in a paper
}        mache jail somewhere so they can break out and reappear over and
}        over again!"
}
}     3. Matter-eater lad. He died from indigestion. <burp!>
}
}     2. Zan and Jana, the "Wondertwins" from the Superfriends.
}        "Form of... an ice jet with a spare bedroom, hot tub, and open
}        bar!"
}
}     AND, THE NUMBER ONE LEAST LOVED SUPERHERO:
}
}     1. Scrappy Doo.
}
}        Wait a second, supplicant -- there was no grovel in your
}        question! I'll <ZOT> you for that!!!
}
}        Hey, what are you doing??
}
} (woodchuck pulls mask off the Oracle)
}
}    Supplicant: Look! It's old man Withers! He's been pretending to be
}       the Oracle just to scare people away from Usenet while he
}       smuggles illegal copies of rec.humor.funny not officially
}       controll^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Happroved by Brad Templeton!
}
}    Oracle: Yeah, and I would have gotten away with it to, if it hadn't
}       been for you meddling kids! And your pesky dog, too!
}
} You owe the Oracle a Scooby snack and a Mystery Machine.


509-06    (229i5 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Wise oracle (we think..)  (possible meglomanic).
>
>       Which is heavier- a pound of feathers, or a pound of lead?
>
>             -Your undecidedly Respectful Supplicant-

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A pound of lead.  This can be proven by a simple experiment, for which
} you will need the following materials:
}
}   *  a one-pound lead weight
}   *  a very large bird
}   *  a first-aid kit
}   *  an old-fashioned balance scale
}   *  rope or heavy twine
}
} Step 1:  Using the tweezers from the first-aid kit, remove one pound of
} feathers from the bird.  Use the balance scale and the lead weight to
} accurately measure the weight of the feathers.  Use the rest of the
} first-aid kit to treat your injuries.  If the bird does not have enough
} feathers to remove one full pound, repeat this step with a larger bird
} or find half-pound weights and continue the experiment with two birds.
}
} Step 2:  Tie the lead weight to the bird's leg using the rope or twine.
} Be certain the weight is securely attached to the bird.  Again, use the
} first-aid kit to treat your injuries.  For best results use a massless,
} frictionless rope (found in college Physics textbooks) or weigh the
} rope and remove additional feathers.
}
} Step 3:  Release the bird and observe that it can no longer fly.
}
} Conclusion:  The bird cannot fly because it is now too heavy, after the
} replacement of a pound of feathers with a pound of lead.  Thus, we
} conclude that a pound of feathers is heavier than a pound of lead, QED.
}
} You owe the Oracle an ostrich.


509-07    (a9755 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Majestic Oracle, O being with the toe nail clippings more precious than
> the pearls of the Ocean, I do not understand that untrustworthy infidel
> called Bush, dictator of the Great Satan called America.  Why is he
> selling the Arab Nation all of those tools of destruction one day and
> then bashing the living daylights out of us the next ?
>
> May the seed of your loin be fruitful in the belly of your woman.
>
> Saddam.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Announcer: Heya kids!  Welcome to Mr. Bush's Neighborhood!  It's the
}            live show, straight from the oval office where President
}            Bush gives soft answers to hard questions.
}
} [Applause]
}
} Announcer: Mr. Bush's neighborhood is brought to you by ... The
}            Companies ... reminding you that a good war now and then is
}            good for business!
}
} [Applause]
}
} Announcer: The secret word today is "economy".  Kiddies, do you know
}            what this means?
}
} ["Yes! Yes! Yes!"]
}
} Announcer: You know what to do?
}
} ["Yes! Yes! Yes!"]
}
} Announcer: Economy!
}
} [Screams!]
}
} Announcer: You know what to do.  And now here's our host, George Bush!
}
} [Applause!]
}
} Bush: Thanks, thanks.
}
} [Applause!]
}
} Bush: I'm flattered.  Really.
}
} [Applause ... continues ...]
}
} Bush: Would you SIT DOWN and SHUT UP?  There, that's much better.
}       Today we're going to talk about the Persian Gulf War.  Kinda
}       desert theme.  Good for the economy.
}
} [Screams!]
}
} Bush: This reminds me.  Heh heh.  This reminds me of a really ... far
}       out ... joke.  Listen to this.  This dates back to my Skull and
}       Bones days.  Funny, really.
}
} [Chanting ... "Tell us the fucking joke, please!"]
}
} Bush: Alright, alright.  You twisted my arm!  See?  Twist twist.
}
} [Laughter]
}
} Bush: How many A-Rabs would you kill to save our economy?
}
} [Screams!]
}
} ["How many, George?  How many?"]
}
} Bush: All of them!
}
} [Laughter]
}
} Bush: Ha ha.  I liked it too.  Funny.  Sorta a racial joke.  Pisses
}       off those God Damn PC'ers.
}
} ["Boo!"]
}
} Bush: You know them?  Those politically correct ...
}
} ["Booo!"]
}
} Bush: Not prudent!  Can't say those racial jokes.  Offends the
}       minorities.  Bad for the economy.
}
} [Screams!]
}
} Bush: But seriously now.  Seriously.  Serious.  Many concerned voters
}       have been callin' the white house.  Yeah.  And you know what
}       they've been saying?
}
} ["Tell us, George!"]
}
} Bush: Well I'll tell you.  Some of them pinko commie liberal democrat
}       atheist trash yellow press have been talkin'!
}
} ["Boo!"]
}
} Bush: And you know it.  You know what they've been saying.  They say I
}       sold arms to Iraq!
}
} ["Boo!!!"]
}
} Bush: Well, yes.  I did do that.
}
} [The booing instantly and mysteriously stops.]
}
} Bush: And these same commie atheists say I helped Saddam build his
}       nuclear arsenal.
}
} ["Liars! Liars!!!"]
}
} Bush: Well, yes.  I did do that.
}
} [The screams of 'liars' instantly and mysteriously stops.]
}
} Bush: But I wasn't "coddling" him!
}
} ["No! Yes!"]
}
} Bush: That would be bad for the economy.
}
} [Screams!]
}
} Bush: And arms sales are good for the economy.
}
} [Screams!]
}
} Bush: Good for the economy!
}
} [Screams!]
}
} Bush: But Saddam pulled a dirty trick.  Yes he did.
}
} ["Boo! Hiss!"]
}
} Bush: Had to invade Kuwait.  He was a bad boy.
}
} ["Boo!"]
}
} Bush: Price of oil went up!
}
} ["Bad! Bad!"]
}
} Bush: That's right.  Not prudent.  Not good for democracy.  Baaaad for
}       the economy.
}
} [Screams!]
}
} Bush: Had to do the war thing.
}
} [Cheers!]
}
} Bush: So tonight kiddies, I'm going to teach you a new word!  Are you
}       ready, kids?
}
} ["Yes! Yes!"]
}
} Bush: Alright.  It's "Expediency"!
}
} ["Expediency!"]
}
} Bush: That's right.  It's Expedient to kill A-Rabs!
}
} [Cheers]
}
} Bush: Good for the economy.
}
} [Screams!]
}
} Bush: Economy, economy, economy!
}
} [Screams! Screams! Screams!]
}
} Announcer: And that's it for this week's installment of Mr. Bush's
}            Neighborhood!  We hope to see you again after the voting
}            Tuesday ...  but don't count on it.  Bye!


509-08    (6dd22 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wonderful Oracle, to whom the mysteries of life, love, the
> Universe and everything are mere child's play, tell me why my
> husband so easily forgets little things that mean a lot (Valentine's,
> anniversaries, birthdays).  Please?  Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Frankly, I do not think that Valentine's day is so important. A little
} attention outside the usual bank holidays is often much more
} appreciated. It doesn't mean that he loves you less - he's just too
} occupied with more important things... Like corresponding to the
} Oracle, for example. (Rustle, rustle) - lemme see... here I have his
} last question: "Oh most wonderful and erotic Oracle"... Er, I think we
} can skip that... "Why does my wife always insist on silly gifts like
} flowers for unimportant opportunities like our 10th wedding anniversary
} etc." -
} See? Well, if you really think that he doesn't care enough for you, we
} should discuss this matter personally, just come over and...
}
} Lisa: Orrie, what are you typing there again?
}
} Er, well, it's about human relationships and all that... Nothing
} important, reaally!
}
} Lisa: And I haven't seen a present from you for my last birthday,
} either!
}
} Well, Lisa, you know I tend to forget your birthdays, because you're
} never getting older, really! And besides, I have this here for you...
}
} Lisa: Oh, what a wonderful bunch of roses! Where do you get them from?
}
} Well, an admirer... er, no, wait - I bought them especially for you,
} you know, and...
}
} Lisa: Oh, Orrie!
}
} Pheew, that was close. You owe the Oracle some flowers for Oracle Day.
} Heck, *every* day is Oracle Day!


509-09    (11de7 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose mental processes are the very embodyment of perfect
> logic and rationality, please answer my humble question:  am I insane?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, my dear supplicant, surely you are familiar with the ancient
} Tibetian saying "Any man who can honestly question his own sanity must
} surely know that he is still sane."  Of course the monk who first
} uttered this phrase was stark raving bonkers, so it must be taken with
} a grain of salt.
}
} The truth of the matter is that no person is capable of independantly
} judging their own sanity, so I am sending you the Oracle's At Home Am I
} A Loonie Test.
}
}                The Oracle's At Home Am I A Loonie Test
}
} 1.  You are at a party.  The host spills a plate of cold cuts into the
} fruit punch.  Do you
}    a)  Pretend like you didn't notice, and avoid eating any sandwiches.
}    b)  Grab a hunk of moist bologna and wear it like a pin.
}    c)  Cut off their head with a kitchen knife.
}
} 2.  You are at home, and a door to door salesman tries to sell you a
} magazine subscription.  Do you
}    a)  Buy one.
}    b)  Slam the door in their face while singing the German National
}          Anthem.
}    c)  Cut off their head with a kitchen knife.
}
} 3.  Your favorite stock is:
}    a)  AT&T.
}    b)  Amalgamated Valium Manufacturers.
}    c)  Cutco.
}
} 4.  When dining out, you order
}    a)  Steak and lobster.
}    b)  Nothing, you just snack on the floral arrangement.
}    c)  Anything that is still breathing.  And a kitchen knife.
}
} 5.  Your next door neighbor invites you to go bowling and you accept.
} At the bowling alley do you
}    a)  Try not to show him up in the hopes that he will buy the beer.
}    b)  Try and throw all the balls down the alley at once.
}    c)  Cut off his head with a kitchen knife.
}
} 6.  You prefer:
}    a)  Albert Einstein
}    b)  Margaret Leakey
}    c)  Charles Manson
}
} Now add up your score
}
}    1.  a)  0  b)    10  c) 1000
}    2.  a) 10  b)     0  c) 1000
}    3.  a)  0  b)    10  c) 1000
}    4.  a)  0  b)    10  c) 1000
}    5.  a)  0  b)    10  c) 1000
}    6.  a)  0  b) 11000  c) 1000
}
} If you scored:
}
} 0-20 points:  Congratulations, you are perfectly sane.
} 20-100 points:  Check yourself into an institution immediately.
} 100-10000 points:  Technically, you aren't insane, you are a homicidal
}        maniac.
} Greather than 10,000 points:  You are fond of anthropologists.  Really,
}        it's not something to be ashamed of.
}
} You owe it to the oracle to wait around until the gentlemen in the
} white suits show up.


509-10    (3da91 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: The Usenet Oracle
>
> Dear Sir,
>
> We have just completed a search through our archives, and discovered
> that you have no record of having paid any income taxes during the
> years 1987-1992. We have completed an audit of your accounts and have
> discovered that you have recieved a substantial income during that
> period, based on the value of gifts recieved, estimated to be
> $1,234,567,890.98 Under current Federal and Indiana State Law, you have
> been in residence long enough to be considered a permanent resident,
> and are thus eligible for direct income taxation by the U.S.
> government. Counting penalties for back taxes unpaid, you owe the
> government $1,234,567,890.97 Make check payable to IRS.
>
> Note also that there is no record of your birth/creation nor of
> immigration. If you do not wish to have your citizenship privileges
> revoked, contact the INS immediately.
>
>             Sincerely Yours,
>
>               xxxxxxxx
>            Internal Revenue Service

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello?  Mr. xxxxxxxx?  It's the Usenet Oracle.  How are you?  Yes,
} the woodchucks are fine, thank you.  Just wanted to let you know that
} the check you requested is in the mail...
}
} Say hello to your lovely wife yyyyyyyy, your children zzzzzzzz and
} wwwwwwww, and your dog Fang for me.
}
} Don't hang up!  I love to chat with income tax people.  Tell me more
} about Schedule V14.  It must be fascinating.
}
} (Resolution:  to buy an electric ZOT so that I don't have to stall for
} time while I wait for the #$%^$@ batteries to recharge.)
}
} Yes... how interesting... keep talking...


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