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24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 16:26:27 GMT

Internet Oracularities #51

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51, 51-01, 51-02, 51-03, 51-04, 51-05, 51-06, 51-07, 51-08, 51-09, 51-10


Usenet Oracularities #51
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 11 Nov 89 16:29:29 GMT

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51-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most Unburdened with Mortal Affairs!  Why is it, that no matter
> how hard you try, you can't bend a potato chip?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Seeker, you are trying too hard.  You yourself must bend, like a blade
} of grass in the wind, before you can bend a potato chip.  You must spend
} long years learning to center yourself, learning to quiet the multitude
} of voices in your mind, learning to be calm, learning to walk across
} vast bonfires, learning to chew with your mouth closed, learning to
} levitate and fly.  Then, and only then, can you bend a potato chip.
}
} Or you could soak it in water for a day or two.
}
} -- the zen oracle


51-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Salutations!
> You said earlier that you were not, in fact, Dan Quayle. However,
> some more investigations shows that
>
> 1. You are in Indiana.
> 2. Dan Quayle was a senator from Indiana.
> 3. Only Dan Quayle could possibly have voted for someone like Dan
>    Quayle.
> 4. Therefore only Dan Quayle lives in Indiana.
> 5. Therefore you must be Dan Quayle.
>
> Confess!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no, I am the spirit of *wisdom*.  Danny Quayle is the spirit of
} *stupidity*.  As you might expect, we are both required by the laws of
} balance to reside in the same state, for having one of us a resident of
} a state without the other is a lot harder than having one magnetic
} monopole without the other, and much rarer.
}
} As for the voting, well, wise people are denied the vote in Indiana.
}
} You owe the Oracle an absentee ballot.


51-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of lif?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Th meanin o lif i butterfl hoverin ove flowe.  Th meanin o lif i lov an
} ligh an happines.  Th meanin o lif i purit o spiri, an blessednes.  Th
} meanin o lif i lif.
}
} Yo ow th oracl Ne Ag sourceboo.


51-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Knock, knock?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Knock.  Click clatter clunk.  Bash bash bong crash! Klunk!
}
} You owe the oracle a sound-effects tape.


51-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   O Wise and Vociferous Oracle,
>
>     This semester has been a complete and total waste, hasn't it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NOT HARDLY, IT HASN'T.  YOU'VE DONE THE FOLLOWING THINGS:
}
} 1. MADE MORE FRIENDS THAN YOU COULD HAVE POSSIBLY BELIVED.
}
} 2. EXPERIENCED SEVERAL QUITE AMAZING ORGIES.
}
} 3. Shown me how to turn off the shift-lock key on this silly keyboard.
}
} 4. Learned how to integrate paracontinuous functions on semi-Riemannian
}    manifolds.
}
} 5. Detitrated toluene.
}
} 6. Forgotten a whole bunch ofthings.


51-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why?
>
> (do people keep sending you crap Zen questions?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once, a particularly unworthy and slow-witted disciple
} approached the Oracle and asked:
}
} "Why?"
}
} The Oracled answered:
}
} "What?"
}
} and the disciple left on trembling legs
}
} A week later, the disciple returned, leading a
} sacred cow. The discipled once again asked:
}
} "Why?"
}
} and the Oracle again answered
}
} "What?"
}
} to which the cow answered:
}
} "Mu"
}
} The Oracle now took a bamboo cane and beat up the disciple
} thoroughly. The disciple was enlightened and left the monastery
} to become a successful Lisp hacker.
}
}
} Mumath's commentary:
}
} (S)he who knows the Way will find Buddha nature in a
} self-referential Lisp lambda construct.


51-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to study evolution.  Is Liberty Baptist a good school for me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Is the Pope a Buddhist?
} Obviously you are trying to amuse the Oracle, and the Oracle does
} appreciate the effort, however the Oracle is also a busy person and
} would prefer not to waste nanoseconds being amused.
}
} You owe the Oracle two dead television Evangilists.


51-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't I   ? Dang, see what I mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} oh, shit, I can't     either.  It just started, too
}
} you owe it to the oracle, and to society, to be a lot more careful when
} you have communicable problems.


51-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why have I never read an Ernest Hemmingway book that I thought was very
> good with the possible exception of the "Old Man and the Sea."  Did he
> sell his soul to the devil as a claim to fame, or is it that I have no
> taste?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ernest Hemingway lived in a simpler time.  A time when men were men and
} women were women (except for Dorothy Parker, who was Marie of Romania,
} and Marilyn Monroe, who was an android from Mars, but it's basically
} accurate).  A time when what was important was deeds.  Deeds were
} important!  Leins were pretty important too, and certificates of title,
} but deeds were king.  So, anyways, Ernie wrote about deeds, but his
} editor said to him "Mr.  Hemingway, you have no head for real estate.",
} so he wrote about other things instead.  He also threatened to take
} several of the most important reviewers on drinking expeditions with him
} if they wrote bad reviews.
}
} He didn't sell his soul to the devil, although at one point he offered
} the devil Van Gogh's ear in exchange for a new typewriter.
}
} You owe the Oracle some AM radio jamming equipment.


51-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are text editors made of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It depends on the editor.  MacWrite is made from congealed sparrow farts
} woven together with absurdities.  Most editors running on IBM PCen under
} DOS are made of cholera and bubonic plague germs compounded with the
} smell of rancid butter and marsh gas.  Vi is made of the glint of
} moonlight on steel, the smell of violets, and the gurgle of a brook.
} Emacs is made from the glint of starlight on purest gold, the echo of
} distant thunder, the smell of a ``La Reine Victoria'' Bourbon rose, a
} reflection of a shy maiden's smile, and the taste of the best champagne.


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