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Internet Oracularities #510

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510, 510-01, 510-02, 510-03, 510-04, 510-05, 510-06, 510-07, 510-08, 510-09, 510-10


Usenet Oracularities #510    (33 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 8 Dec 1992 00:11:04 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   510
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

510   33 votes 16d85 4bb61 45a86 99861 6c672 67b81 38f43 18a95 2b776 057f6
510   3.0 mean  3.3   2.7   3.2   2.4   2.6   2.7   2.9   3.3   3.1   3.7


510-01    (16d85 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty Oracle, to whom the future is as transparent as Richard
> Nixon's claims of innocence, please tell me what's in store for me
> over the course of my life. Will I be handsome? Will I be rich? I
> know that whatever will be, will be, but, since the future is yours
> to see, please tell me que sera.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My child, let me tell you what happened to another supplicant who
} wanted to know his personal future.
}
} I told him, "Important people will come to you with all manner of
} questions."  (Something I know a lot about.)
}
} Well, he figured he was set.  He opened a financial consulting firm and
} waited for the questions to pour in.  But time passed, and nobody came,
} and he began to need money.  He knew he had an important destiny, so he
} figured that placed him above morality.  He fiddled with some numbers
} here and there, transfered some funds, did a little insider trading,
} etc., etc.
}
} Next thing he knew he was in front of a Senate investigatory committee.
}
} So I was right.  Of course.
}
} The point is, some things it's better you shouldn't know.  But I'll
} give you a few hints.
}
} On February 16, 2004, your office will run out of non-dairy creamer.
} Panic will reign.  (Better buy some now;  it'll still be fine by then.)
}
} By the late 2010's you will succumb to the (then-current) fashion of
} extremely long hair for both sexes.  You will consistenly roll your
} hair up in your car window.
}
} On New Years Eve, 2012, you will meet a well-known movie star at a
} party and they will nibble your left earlobe.
}
} And, at some point in the next twenty years, you will seriously
} consider having "Kiss Me, I use Fixodent" tattooed on your buttock.  (I
} won't say which buttock-  you gotta have some mystery in your life.)
}
} For this valuable information, the Oracle demands the object you're
} going to find buried on the beach during the summer of 1998.  Sure,
} it's easy to say yes NOW...


510-02    (4bb61 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: ORACLE
>
> O Oracle, cooler than cool, neater than neato and hunkier tha
> hunky-dory, please tell me:
>
> Why are parents who grew up in the fifties so rigid?  I should think
> that living through the sixties would have given a *few* of them a more
> open attitude about sex.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They're rigid because they're dead.  The sixties gave them an open
} attitude about more things than sex.  Like snorting battery acid, for
} instance.
}
} You owe the Oracle a moral dilemma.


510-03    (45a86 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle who understands all bureaucracies,
> Who never has to pay bribes or through the nose,
> Who has an infinite supply of red tape,
> And yet has sissors that will cut through any red tape,
> Please answer my humble question!
>
> I am BORED with this project!  I want to play games!!
>       - Why doesn't my new sys admin allow any games on the system
>         other than solitare?
>       - Why doesn't SUN have a version of rogue so my old sys admin
>         could give me my 'fix'?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No fair asking two questions on one grovel!  But since you grovel so
} well, I'll answer the question you REALLY intended to ask...  What can
} you do to cure boredom at the workstation?  And so, here's...
}
} THE ORACLE'S TOP TEN USES FOR A SUN WORKSTATION
}
} 1. Guess how many shot glasses of whiskey you can balance on the
}    monitor. After an hour of this, the time will just seem to fly!
}
} 2. Turn the monitor off, write cryptic messages on the screen with
}    liquid paper, and see how long it takes for your administrator to
}    figure out what's wrong.
}
} 3. Replace the internal mechanism with a stereo system -- and watch the
}    fun begin!
}
} 4. Fill the case with bean dip (remember to disconnect the power supply
}    first!)
}
} 5. Note: detached monitor can be used as a volleyball.  Watch out for
}    power spikes!
}
} 6. If you hold your face up to the screen for a few hours, you can get
}    a fairly decent tan.
}
} 7. Can the unit support your body weight?  Find out!
}
} 8. Individual keys can be made into pendants for necklaces, bracelets,
}    etc.  Great for holiday gifts!
}
} 9. How many disks can YOU cram into the drive?  (Hint: the record is
}    SEVEN!)
}
} 10. Turn the power on and off in a darkened room to create that neat
}     "strobe" effect that makes things look like they're happening in
}     slow motion!
}
} You owe the Oracle some different-colored tape.


510-04    (99861 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Most Divine, Omnipotent, Realistic, Kindly Oracle,
>
>   First, thanks for getting me into the White House.  No-one, except
> you and I, will know how many bets I won on *that*!
>   However, I have a slight problem here.  The Democratic Party told
> that as long as I was "their man", everything would work out fine.
> They made every appearance of winning the election for me, but now they
> have left me cold. I can't even get this piddly Transition Team
> together!  Then, I'll have Cabinet appointments to make! And, somewheres
> in the smokey, hazy recesses of my memory, I recall something about
> presenting legislation to Congress sometime 'real soon'.
>   So, *please* tell me, what am I to do?
>
>           Always yours, (heard *that* before? ;)
>
>           Bill Clinton
>           President-Elect
>           The United States of America
>
> P.S.  Lately I've had this very strong urge to go up to George Bush and
> say, "Hey, it was just a joke. Have at it!". Is this some type of hint
> from you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, Mr. Bush, but the Oracle will not be tricked into appearing to
} favor one political camp over the other by offering political strategy
} tips.  You lost, buddy, get used to it.  I'd suggest you go back to
} your home in Houston and take up a hobby but I understand the Democrats
} rented out your hotel room while you were President and you don't have
} a home in Texas to go to.  Life sucks.
}
} You owe the Oracle and the American people three trillion dollars.


510-05    (6c672 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh USENET oracle, which has all the answers to all the questions,
> and more than that even,
>
> WHY WHY WHY am I such an idiot with women?  I mostly act like I want to
> be just friends and then every other YEAR or so I find one I really
> like and then I'm too fucking stupid to go get to know her.  I'm
> lonely but I haven't met anybody I liked enough to ask out in MORE
> THAN A YEAR, dammit.  Jesus (I mean, Oracle) I suck.
>
> I'd appreciate an answer to my question.  There's no w**dch*cks in
> it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh wondrous supplicant, you are wiser than you know.  Women cause
} nothing but trouble, and you're better off without them.  I mean,
} having them for FRIENDS is just fine, I suppose, if you must, but
} don't go any farther with it than that.  I mean it.
}
} Of course, that's not the answer you want to hear.  You want me to
} tell you that if you use "IRON" cologne, work out twice a week, and
} just CALM DOWN, you'll be more successful with women.  Well, you could
} do those things, and you'd be "more successful" in the usual mundane
} sense -- but you'll be ruining the rest of your life, too.  So DON'T
} DO IT.  I mean it.
}
} As for your sexual needs, I have no suggestions you'll pay any
} attention to, so I won't bother.  Just make sure you don't fall into
} the trap of thinking you need a woman to deal with that; that way lies
} domination, humiliation, and financial ruin.  Find another outlet.  I
} mean it.
}
} You owe the Oracle another outlet.


510-06    (67b81 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sirs:
>
> I'm writting for two reasons.  The first is about your temporary file
> structure.
>
> I acquired your software for my Ph.D. thesis in applied biocomputing.
> I want to implement an expert system as a series of Perl scripts between
> the literature, patient, and mass storage using your database and new
> file compression algorithms.  It's easiest to explain with a diagram:
>                                            ---------------
> -----------   -----------   ------------   |             |   ----------
> |         |   |         |   |          |   | "virtual    |   |        |
> |  poor   |->-|   my    |->-|  Oracle  |->-| hard disk"  |->-|physical|
> |miserable|   |  Perl   |   | database |   | (my file    |   |storage |
> | patient |-<-| scripts |-<-| software |-<-| compression |-<-|(yuck!) |
> |         |   |         |   |          |   |  software)  |   |        |
> -----------   -----------   ------------   |             |   ----------
>     |            |    |                    ---------------       .
>     |            v    |                           |   |          .
>     v            |    -------------<-----------   |   |          .
>     |   --------------------                  |   |   |          .
>     |   |                  |                  |   |   |          .
>     -->-| full medical lab |---->----         ^   ^   v          .
>         |                  |        |         |   |   |          .
>         --------------------        v         |   |   |          .
>                                     |         |   |   |          .
>    -------------------------        |         |   |   |          .
>    |                       |   -----------   -----------   -----------
>    | texts and journals on |   |         |   |         |   |         |
>    | medicine, veterinary  |   |  full   |   |  more   |   | random  |
>    | science, psychology,  |->-|  page   |->-|  Perl   |-<-| number  |
>    |   psychiatry, and     |   | scanner |   | scripts |   |generator|
>    |  forensic science     |   |         |   |         |   |         |
>    |                       |   -----------   -----------   -----------
>    -------------------------                      |             |
>               |                  [inner loop]     v             ^
>               |                                   |             |
>               ^     ----------------------   -----------    --------
>               |     |                    |   |         |    |      |
>               |     |   more worthless   |   |  8 ppm  |    |radio-|
>               ---<--| texts and journals |-<-|  laser  |    |active|
>                     |  on medicine, etc. |   | printer |    |source|
>                     |                    |   |         |    |      |
>                     ----------------------   -----------    --------
> The end result will be able to tell what ails what, whether or not it's
> too late, and should be very well published.
>
> The problem I'm having is with your temporary files.  My virtual disk
> does not properly handle these.  Do you have any documentation that
> defines these files and when they are required.  I require this
> information for the successful completion of my thesis.
>
> The second reason that I'm writting is that I don't appreciate all the
> fun that's poked at Oracle database software in this newsgroup.  I bust
> my budget on your code and it makes me look like a fool to the
> department.  Everyday someone tapes another of these 'oracularities' on
> my door.  And please, this e-mail with 'tell me' in the subject line,
> what kind of customer support is this!
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Sally Wright, Dept. of Biocomputing, West Polytech, Adeline, Australia
> swright@asterix.biocomp.wpoly.ac.au

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello.  You have reached sub-lobe number 43257 in the Infinite Oracular
} Cerebro-cyber cortex, also known as "The Ombudsman," but often referred
} to by its neighbors and co-workers as "That Bitch."  If you consulted
} page 254 of your owners' manual, you no doubt know that customer
} service comes in four forms:
}
}     1) Billable telephone time.  Here you pay not only for the cost
}        of the call, but also for the privelege of sampling at least four
}        cd's worth of the Oracle's tasteful, sanity-inducing music. (At
}        least, laboratory tests on higher life forms have demonstrated
}        that there IS a clear link between Wayne Newton and Mahatma
}        Ghandi's tenets of pacifism.  However, these were strictly
}        computer simulations as most non-virtual efforts proved to
}        produce entirely too much blood for the Sanitation Department to
}        handle efficiently.)
}
}     2) Personal service.  If you happen to live within easy walking
}        distance of Oracle Labs, then you may stroll right into our cosy
}        offices, dust off a couch, and make yourself comfortable.  At
}        least, the Customer Service Department at Olympus Rent-a-Griffin
}        assured us that paying customers will not be devoured...and you
}        will be paying, won't you?
}
}     3) Extra-deluxe pre-purchased failure insurance and coverage.
}        Recently implemented to demonstrate our commitment to you, our
}        customers. Please refer to the EDPPFIC reference manual, pages
}        1-23415 for more details.  And do note the inside back cover,
}        which clearly notes that we are not liable for any failure on
}        the part of the purchaser in understanding the "helpful new
}        features" we have implemented in version 7.1.0.6b.
}
}     4) Supplication.  This is, evidently, the route which you have
}        taken. Cheap, but risky.  If, for instance, you were to try
}        using our software to simulate wood chuck behavior...
}        And don't forget to grovel.
}
} You owe the oracle the entire contents of your university's endowment
} and a better customer service simulator.


510-07    (38f43 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" <stcmille@silver.ucs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> i feel utterly worthless.  nobody really likes me; nobody cares whether
> I live or die.  i fart too much and have sexual perversions i find
> disgusting and i'm lazy and don't earn my keep.  should i kill myself
> or is there another way to stop the pain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whoa there.  The last thing you should do is to take your own life.
} Whether you know it or not, you mean a lot to a great many people.
} What you ought to do instead is take up bowling.
} Yes, bowling is a pleasure for all ages.  Once you try it, you will
} learn that there really is nothing that can compare to the joy of
} watching your ball shoot cleanly down the lane and demolish the
} once-neat setup of unsuspecting pins.  Your sex drive will become a
} distant memory compared to the constant joy that is your bowling.  Your
} other odious personal habits may turn out to actually be beneficial;
} perhaps your farting will give you that little extra burst of power as
} you release the ball. So cheer up!  With a little practice, you will
} soon be the envy of your neighborhood.  You may eventually get to go on
} ABC's Wide World of Sports to display your bowling talents all across
} the planet.  Untold riches will be yours.
}
} You owe the Oracle one Howard Cosell.


510-08    (18a95 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and powerful Oracle, I have been unable to solve a deeply
> spiritual dilemma which has plagued me for some time now.  Many nights,
> I lay awake asking myself this question over and over.  It haunts my
> every waking thought and threatens to undermine all that I hold true
> in my faith.  O wondrous Oracle, I beg, answer me this...
> If you were a saint or angel and had a halo of light around your head,
> would it attract bugs at night?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       From the people that brought you the ORACUCO 5000 CAR ALARM
}                              ELIMINATOR...
}
}   It's the ORACUCO COMBINATION RELIGIOUS FIGURE/MEGAWATT BUG ZAPPER!
}
} Tired of having those outdoor parties ruined by secular humanists
} and/or bloodsucking flying insects?  Well, this product is just for
} you!
}
} ORACUCO has contracted numerous famous religious figures to assist you
} in dealing with those annoying pests!
}
}                               Jesus!
}                              Buddha!
}                      Various saints & angels!
}           Shiva! (Bar-be-ques started at no extra cost!)
}
} Just sit back and enjoy as those nasty atheists are blinded by the
} light!  Relax and watch insects vaporize instantly as they fly into
} the fiery aura!
}
} (ORACUCO regrets to inform you that, due to the contractual nature of
} these figures, they are only for rent, and not for sale.)
}
}                  And remember, its from ORACUCO!!
}
}                     Operators are standing by.
}                   VISA and MasterCard accepted.
}                        Sorry, no C.O.D.'s.
}
} The Oracle has advertised.
} (This incarnation has blasphemed.)


510-09    (2b776 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" <stcmille@silver.ucs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O greatest & wisest one on Earth, magnificent Oracle, please help!
>
> I was trying out a magic spell a few minutes ago and there was this
> flash of light and an explosion, and when I came to I had become a
> giant piece of pizza.  Using pseudopodia of cheese I can type, but
> I'm afraid that someone will come along and eat me up!  How can I
> change back into human form, any sort of human form?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's what you have to do - and hurry, they're after you even as we
} speak! First, toss off a piece of pepperoni to deter pursuit.
} Hopefully they'll run right into it, slip and fall.  Create a lasso
} with a string of cheese and toss it up to the light fixture.  Pull
} yourself up, swinging erratically to avoid the natives' forks.  Reach
} up to the ceiling, and using a bit of mushroom and some grease, pick
} the lock to the main computer room overhead. Quickly now - they see
} what you're trying and are coming up to get you! You won't need the
} string lasso now - stretch it out across the doorway so anyone coming
} in will trip.  Now you must pass the Test of the VAX.  Move carefully
} to the main console, avoiding loose floor tiles - they may be trapped.
} Once there, you must type in the sacred password to give you access to
} the Lost Filesystem.  Remember - THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT! - use ASCII,
} not EBCDIC!  If you choose correctly, the Lost Files will be opened for
} you.  Their healing rays will restore you to human form and blast your
} followers into little dust mites.
} You owe the Oracle a Swiss Army knife, one of those neat hats, and a
} major motion picture.


510-10    (057f6 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Most Protective Oracle, Please answer this simple question:
>
> I will be in New York City over the holidays to attend a play.  Should
> I prepare myself by carrying a concealed weapon?  If so, is an
> automatic a good choice?  Many thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't be ridiculous, the concept that concealed weapons provide any
} protection at all is a fallacy.  If some one sees fit to attack you,
} the first thing they're going to do is prevent you from rooting around
} in your pockets for a concealed weapon.
}
} The concept I want to promote here is prevention.  You want to avoid
} placing yourself in the position of the victim.  To this end, you're
} better off carrying a large ugly obvious weapon such as a pole-axe or a
} broad sword. This way you deter an attack before it get's started.  It
} also helps if you wear a lot of furs and an iron helmet with big spike
} horns.
}
} The concept of an automatic weapon is a good one.  But we're not
} talking about a dinky semi-automatic pistol.  The temptation to conceal
} it is too great.  You're better of with an M-60 crowd pleaser.  You
} don't have to take the extra time to draw it, and if you have the
} teflon coated rounds, you can take out your attacker even if he/she
} dives for cover behind a parked car or innocent bystanders.
}
} Remeber to use your weapons frequently.  Attack an occasional telephone
} pole or taxi-cab.  As an added bonus, you will find that these
} techniques will also get you through the ticket line faster and could
} possibly grant you a private showing.


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