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Internet Oracularities #511

Goto:
511, 511-01, 511-02, 511-03, 511-04, 511-05, 511-06, 511-07, 511-08, 511-09, 511-10


Usenet Oracularities #511    (39 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1992 00:10:41 -0500

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send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   511
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

511   39 votes 78a86 a9b90 6bb83 79d82 1a9f4 58ea2 24dd7 57e85 3ci60 04d9d
511   3.0 mean  2.9   2.5   2.8   2.7   3.3   2.9   3.5   3.0   2.7   3.8


511-01    (78a86 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Omniscient one, should I really care if some fool is going to rate this
> oracularity with a "1" just because I ask how much grovelling a
> woodchuck named Lisa could possibly do during a gameshow segment on
> Late Night with David Letterman?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [cue in music]
}
} NOW! LIVE! FROM OUR STUDIOS IN SAN BERNADO
} CALIFORNIA, IIIIIIIIIIITTS "WHAT WILL YOU DO FOR A
} DOLLAR?" with our host Pat Sajack!
}
} [Pat trots out, wave to the audience, applause]
}
} Good Evening folks!  We have a really good contestant tonight.
} Bob why don't introduce tonight's contestant?
}
} OKAY PAT.  OUR CONTESTANT IS A
} SUBMISSIVE/DOMINANT FIGMENT OF THE COLLECTIVE
} SEX DRIVE OF NEARLY A MILLION COLLAGE AGED
} MALES.  ALL THE WAY FROM USENET IT'S LISA!!
}
} [Lisa comes out]
}
} Hello Lisa, welcome to our show.  And "What will you do for a
} dollar?"
}
} [The audience roars]
}
} "Well Pat," *dimple* " I'll go down on a woodchuck and...."
} #@%#@%
} Message from oracle@tty0
} This is stupid
} EOT
}
} write oracle@tty0
} Well you are doing the same thing by using simulated UNIX
} sessions.  You are trying to get a cheap laugh out of that poor boob
} over on rec.humor.oracle.d
} ^D
}
} *POP*
} The Oracle appears, looks around and shakes his head. "Messy
} office."  The Incarnation sputters and protests "It is work in
} progress!  I know where everything is!"  The Oracle dismissivly
} shakes his head "We are wasting time.  The Supplicant is waiting."
} "But he didn't grovel.  I was going to end it with his balls being sent
} to Denmark.  Very funny, really mumble mumble..".  The Oracle,
} being quite tall, leans over the Incarnation.  "Listen, I know that you
} have trouble keeping both hands on the keyboard when you read
} and/or write about Lisa.  However, that guy had a point.  He has
} probably read hundreds of these pseudo-sexual
} Lisa/UNIX/woodchuck gags.  He has become jaded".  "But I spend
} most of my time working in UNIX" the Incarnation whined "so it is
} easy to make jokes about it.  And sexual humor has a long tradition
} in subversive literature.  Everyone thinks a penis is funny.  Besides
} when I am not working on UNIX I am thinking about sex.  About
} sex with the girl two terminals up and to the left, sex with Lisa, sex
} with woo.."  The Oracle smacks the Incarnation on the side of the
} head.  "Wise up.  Even the Gods find sex funny.  As well as many
} of the oracularities that have used the Woodchuck device.  What that
} guy was objecting to was the cheap tawdry imitations of these very
} funny oracularites" "Sex is tawdry.." smack "Look.  If you,
} personally, have suddenly discovered The Joke and It Is Funny and
} it happens to be about a woodchuck or UNIX or Lisa, fine.  We
} will never stop laughing at sex anyway, but quit using low grade
} recycled humor.  Hey what is this, a TV sitcom?"  "How about
} grovel jokes." smack.  "Only if they are very, very funny." "You
} seem awfully fond of smacking me." smack. "It gets an easy laugh."
} smack.  "Well if you can do it why can't I?" smack "Because you are
} the Incarnation and I am the Oracle, thats why." smack "I think I
} have made my point." "Fine".  The Incarnation stands up and tries
} to kick the Oracle in the balls, but he slips on a banana peel.
}
} [cue laugh track: 5 seconds]
}
} You owe the Oracle a bully pulpit.


511-02    (a9b90 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a computer?
>     Kelli & Susan

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} WHAT:COMMAND NOT FOUND
} ?:AMBIGUOUS
} SEGMENTATION FAULT
} CORE DUMPED


511-03    (6bb83 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, if you'd be so kind,
> You can tell I don't know how to rhyme.
> If you'd please send me home
> An improved way to poem
> I promise you something sublime.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sure that you possess great ambition
} But you had better get comfy for this one.
}   For a course you have asked,
}   At its end you shall grasp
} A few lessons of poetic diction.
}
} If you desire to become a poet
} "Rhyme": be sure that you know it!
}   Because if you don't
}   Your critics will gloat
} And your progress, no lie, they will slow it.
}
} If it is a quick lesson you're needing,
} Then I will not quote Kipling or Keating.
}   We'll start with "limerick";
}   There's really no trick.
} It goes somewhat like what you've been reading.
}
} For more intricate forms of "rhymation",
} Take license with the lyrics you "fa-shion".
}   And from time to time
}   When you don't have a rhyme
} You create a new one - like "mayshun".
}
} I know that it all seems confusing,
} But it's a common device that you're using.
}   I don't know the word
}   (does that seem absurd?)
} Just use any word of your choosing!
}
} If mastery is what you had sought,
} And my lesson was obviously not,
}   Drop dead you pig!
}   You think you're so big?
} Try this on for size, punk: <ZOT!>
}
} You owe the Oracle ANOTHER pack of Marlboro Reds.  That's TWO in one
} night!!


511-04    (79d82 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle (or God, or Time, or whatever you are),
>
> My friend Al says that, according to Ziggy, there's a 97.5% probability
> that I'm gonna Quantum Leap into you sometime in the next few minutes.
> If that happens, what will be my mission?  Please help!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All of spacetime depends on you! Here is your mission.
}
} Go to Quickmart.  Pick up a
} loaf of bread
} A gallon of milk
} a stick of butter
} 2000 sacrifical doves suitable for eviseration
}
} Go to Speedy's Luandry and Cleaners.  Pick up
}
} 5 togas, extra starch
} 1 curcus tent with bullet holes mended
} 4 plaid socks. (if there is an odd number of socks, ZOT em)
}
} Also go to Drugfair and buy their birth control inventory.
}
} After that ummmmm, do 1000 pushups and another 1000 chin-ups, I've
} been getting a little out of shape.  Make sure to shower afterwards.
} I'll be back a 5:00.  The money is on the counter.
}
} Remember, If you fail in your mission, the Universe could collapse in a
} blast of radiation and fire.  The whole world is counting on you.


511-05    (1a9f4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and Mighty Usenet Oracle, whose breakfast table I would be most
> honored to sit at, please tell me...
>
> If Fruit Loops come in all those different colors, why do they all
> taste the same?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Women come in all different colors, too.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of Lucky Charms.


511-06    (58ea2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what the hell is a dotted quad?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   ..............................................................
}   .                                                            .
}   .                                                            .
}   .                                                            .
}   .                                                            .
}   .                                                            .
}   .                  I haven't the foggiest.                   .
}   .                                                            .
}   .                                                            .
}   .                                                            .
}   .                                                            .
}   .                                                            .
}   ..............................................................


511-07    (24dd7 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" <stcmille@silver.ucs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh illustrated, pre-eminent, foot noted, regarded, grandiose Oracle,
> whose wisdom is like a great fire under my soul.  I have a question
> that has been tormenting me at nights.  Let's say that Santa and his
> reindeer are travelling South at 70 MPH during a test run of his sled.
> He meets a fully armed Apache attack helicopter moving North at 130
> MPH, badly startling the helicopter pilot, who is totally blameless,
> really.  The helicopter pilot fires both of his Vulcan cannon (each
> capable of firing 6000 rounds per minute) directly at Santa, thinking
> that Santa is some wierd Chinese spy plane.  Needless to say, Santa
> was, er, would be, turned into chunky style dog food.  Let's also say,
> just hypothetically mind you, that I was that helicopter pilot, for
> the sake of argument.  Will I get any presents this year, assuming
> that any of this happened, which it didn't, honestly?
>
>                         Captain Jim Trueblood
>                         3rd Air Calvalry

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} HO HO HO HO!
} What must I hear!
} First of all. You didn't cowboy Santa!
} What you saw was probably one of his unmaned drones for irritating
} radar. On the other hand it could also  be an effect of drinking too
} much alcohol from the anti-ice-system!
}
} You can really be happy that you didn't run into the ONE Santa.
} You can't imagine what a bunch of *ANGRY* reindeers are capable of ....
} (no - your vulcans or amraam are just kiddy-stuff!)
}
} There is ONE -I repeat ONE- chance for you to get a christmas present!
}
}         1. Paint your apache Red and White
}         2. Step in the officers mess at dinner time and shout
}            " I BELIEVE IN SANTA" 3 times
}         3. Do the same in the privates mess
}         4. Take a can of white paint and mark a
}            part of your airbase as Santas' private
}            landing area
}            (write "for Santa only" or sketch the reindeer-sledge)
}
} You owe the oracle nothing! Man you are in trouble!


511-08    (57e85 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Controller,
>       I have infiltrated the compound and substituted myself for the
> subject.  What are your new instructions?
>
> --Agent 143

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} File divorce proceedings against Hillary.  Then kill Al Gore and
} replace him with Dan Quayle.


511-09    (3ci60 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle Entity,
>
> Do you think "she" really loves me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "I" would have to say that the answer to 'your' question is no, "I" do
} not think that "she" loves "you."  "It" is a simple matter, really (at
} least in the Oracular sense, in which one (to use a gender-neutral
} term) finds that one knows everything (insofar as the universe in
} which the Oracle lives will permit (in the non-personal sense, I was
} simply using anthropomorphism (to use a non-gender-neutral term (most
} terms are this way, I suspect (again, using an anthropomorphism, of
} course I know the real statistics (no, not the worthless ones from the
} government (which really hasn't changed despite the election, as
} you'll note from the popular vote (which doesn't mean much because the
} US still uses an electoral college (which is where you should be
} instead of where you are now, you oaf (which you deserve to be called
} for using such a poor excuse for a grovel (overused joke, yes, but it
} has become something of a tradition on the network (insofar as
} something so relatively young can have a tradition (it certainly
} doesn't rank up there with turkey for Thanksgiving (non-pc, assumes
} that the readers are all from North America and celebrate such
} holidays)))))))))))))).
}
} You owe the "Oracle" a break from extraneous p!un?c:tua[ti}on.


511-10    (04d9d dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wondrous Oracle; Oh ye that doth shower enlightenment upon
> an ignorant universe of pitiful and wretched creatures; I, your humble
> and devout servant am in need of your infinite wisdom once again.
>
> PROBLEM:
> I was just down at the office bathroom taking a whiz.  When I leaned
> over to flush the toilet, my sun glasses fell out of my pocket and into
> the pot.
>
> ADDITIONAL FACTORS:
> The toilet is seriously nasty.  I'm estimating that the previous 3 or 4
> guys using it had failed to flush it.
>
> QUERY:
> How can I safely retrieve the sun glasses and return them to their
> useful function, or should I just write 'em off?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quickly now, as soon as you've finished reading my reply, rush down to
} the basement of your office building, and go into the lumber room
} (it's the fourth door on the left).  Switch on the light.  You'll see
} a large brown rat cowering in the corner where a mangy alley cat is
} about to attack it.  You'll find a chunk of brick handy; sling it at
} the cat and make sure you aim true.
}
} The moment the rat sees that its enemy is destroyed, it will come
} toward you unafraid and say, "Lucky human, you have saved my life, and
} earned the undying gratitude of Ben, the King of the Sewer Rats.  Take
} this little copper whistle, and whenever you are in trouble near a
} toilet, blow a blast upon it, and you can be never so far but my
} people will hear you and come to your aid."
}
} Thank King Ben profusely and return to your floor.  Now, you could
} save the little copper whistle until you're set upon by a mugger in
} the airport restroom, or a persistent would-be skin flautist in the
} city park men's room, but you want your sunglasses back.  Go down the
} hall to the bathroom.  Lean over one of the unclogged toilets and blow
} a sharp blast on the whistle.
}
} Instantly a half dozen large, noble-looking sewer rats will leap up
} through the bowl.  The leader will bow to you and say "Rattus Primus
} at your service.  What is your need?"  You show the rats to the
} offending bowl and point to your sunglasses, appeal in your face.
}
} Rattus Primus stands with his brow wrinkled, as if in meditation.
} He then turns to his companions and says, "Lads, you heard the human
} who bears the copper whistle.  What say you?"
}
} A wizened gray rat pipes up.  "Boss, this asshole called us all the
} way up here to fetch a pair of two-dollar K-Mart shades out of a pile
} of shit!  I say we waste him!"
}
} Rattus Primus nods sagely, and six pairs of battle-sharpened teeth
} are at your legs, your throat, your face...
}
} Moral: Never trust a sewer rat playing roles from Aesop.  Or an Oracle
} tired of being treated like a doormat.


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