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Internet Oracularities #512

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512, 512-01, 512-02, 512-03, 512-04, 512-05, 512-06, 512-07, 512-08, 512-09, 512-10


Usenet Oracularities #512    (37 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 13 Dec 1992 11:06:31 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   512
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

512   37 votes 65ca4 29d94 49f63 8d691 06eb6 28i72 37e85 05abb 9ab52 66988
512   3.0 mean  3.0   3.1   2.9   2.5   3.5   3.0   3.1   3.8   2.5   3.2


512-01    (65ca4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O all-seeing usually-telling (thanks to your renowned discretion)
> mightily wise venerable Oracle,
>
> Where do I go in my neighborhood to get the real taste of Sweden?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (The Oracle, dressed in an apron, is standing behind a counter in a
} huge chef's hat with a large false moustache glued to his upper lip.)
}
} "Gie der bor de goo ske dee ske doo,
}  Gie bor der mor der sker moo MORK MORK MORK!"
}
} (A crash as he hurls a knife and fork into the air behind him.)
}
} "Dier ber supplicany asken bor der tastie Sweden, Orrie givven..."
}
} (Kermit the Frog dashes onto the set, his arms waving frantically.)
}
} "Wait a minute!  Wait a minute!  You're not the Swedish Chef!  How did
} you get in here?  What's going on?"
}
} "Der supplicany asken qvestion, und der Oraclen e helpen..."
}
} "Oh, stop speaking that mock Swedish!  Where's our chef?"
}
} (The Oracle looks embarrassed.)
}
} "Well, I came in and asked him if I could borrow the set for a minute
} to answer this supplicant's question, but I couldn't make him
} understand me. He kept mumbling something about "froggy contract" to
} himself.  Finally, he came at me with a cleaver, yelling "offen jerken
} headen!" and I, well, I kinda had to <ZOT> him."
}
} (Kermit waves his arms even faster.)
}
} "You <ZOTTED> our CHEF?  NOW what are we going to DO?"
}
} "I guess I could fill in for a while..."
}
} "You don't even LOOK right!  That moustache is TERRIBLE!  This is
} horrible!"
}
} "Oh, hell..."
}
} <ZOT>
}
} You owe the Oracle some Swedish meatballs and the reasons why it ain't
} easy being green.


512-02    (29d94 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wise one,
>       Honestly, that business with the knife was an accident.  How
> can I make people believe me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Threaten them with the knife.


512-03    (49f63 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mistress mine, where are you roaming?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  In the green painted pastures, absorbing the leafy grass into my soul,
} awaiting my daily milking.


512-04    (8d691 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you tell me the words to the Hedgehog Song?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course I can.  The Oracle is omnipotent, after all.


512-05    (06eb6 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does light travel faster in the absence of a medium (eg. in a vaccuum)
> than it does in the presence of one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm, I've never thought about that.  Let's try it out.
}
} First, we have a sealed, empty room, with a single light bulb.  We'll
} turn it on and measure how long it takes the light to hit the walls.
}
} >flick<
}
} OK, let's write that down.
}
} Now, let's get my close, personal friend, The Pasha Shaboom (noted
} mystic and speaker to the dead; the best medium money can buy) and
} place him in the room.  Now turn on the light!
}
} >flick<
}
} As you can see, while the light -did- take the same amount of time to
} hit the walls, the medium did more than slow it down.  It actually
} -stopped- the light from hitting the wall behind him.  You mentioned
} something about a vaccuum, and I believe the one in the Pasha's head
} will suffice for experimental purposes.
}
} Thus it has been emperically proven that light does not pass through a
} medium at all.
}
} You owe the Oracle 5 ways to strike a happy medium.


512-06    (28i72 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
>   You recently sent me some advice on how to proceed in getting a
> date with one of my professors.  I sent you the payment you required
> (a bottle of nair, some cuticle remover, a pair of g-string panties
> and a container of Cool Whip (tm), to refresh your memory)
>
>   The advice went terribly.  I was flunked for the semester, and I'm
> being considered for expulsion from school.  Obviously, I am not at
> all satisfied with the advice you gave, and I would like my payment
> returned, or at least have an Oracular credit sent to me for next
> time I ask a question.  And don't give me any of that wise-guy stuff
> about issuing me credit and taking it right back for this question
> either.
>
>  Thank you very much.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
}   We sincerely regret that you found our product unsatisfactory.
} However, due to the nature of the service and of the payment, we are
} unable to offer a refund directly to you.  Instead, we have enclosed
} replacement advice at no extra charge.  We hope that you will find this
} new advice more to your liking.  Oracle, Inc. values your patronage
} very highly and we hope that you continue to take advantage of our
} services.
}
}                                        Yours truly,
}                                        Lisa
}                                        Customer Service
}
} --------------REPLACEMENT ADVICE FOLLOWS----------------
}
} You may need to specify the base address of the 64K page frame on the
} command line.  Normally, you won't need to specify a base address; by
} default, EMM386 uses a contigous 64K region of memory, and does not
} place the page frame below C000:0000.  However, sometimes it is not
} possible to identify adapter memory absolutely.  If a conflict occurs,
} you may need to ensure that EMM386 places the page frame at a
} particular location
}
} To specify a specific base address for the page frame, use the FRAME
} option to specify the address you want.  For example, to place the page
} frame at C800:0000, include frame=C800 on the EMM386 command line.
}
} If this doesn't help, just try harder to keep your ferret out of the
} computer case.


512-07    (37e85 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most tasteful, I need some help with holiday shopping.  I'm
> going to the mall tonight, but I have no idea what to get for most of
> my friends.  I was hoping you could offer suggestions for the following
> people:
>
>   Pete
>   Steve
>   Dan
>   Kim
>   Melanie
>   Jason
>   Michelle
>
> Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the Oracle's tastes generally run to mechandise not
} available at malls, but... Hm. I haven't been down to one
} of those places in I don't know how long. Interesting socio-
} pathological study, and all... aw, sure. I'll just port
} down into one and have a look around.
}
} <POP>
}
} (Scene: The Mall. Colored lights, enormous plastic Santas,
} twenty foot garlands of fake holly, and all the rest. The
} PA system is pumping out a 101 Strings version of 'Silent
} Night'. With a grumble, the Oracle waves a finger; suddenly,
} the music changes to what sounds like 'Christmas Time in the
} City' by The Clash. One or two of the thousands of shoppers
} briefly raise their heads quizzically, then continue shuffling
} through the area.)
}
} Much better. Now, what have we here? So much to inspect...
} Ah, a bookstore. Seat of learning, and all that.
}
} (Oracle enters 'Books B Us', and approaches the crowded
} counter. People instinctively back away, until only the Oracle
} and the young sales girl are left.)
}
} Oracle: Good evening, my dear, do you happen to have a copy
} of The Nineteen Thousand Times of Moira The Incredible?
}
} Salesgirl (with a blank look): The What of Who?
}
} (Oracle bends across counter to whisper in her ear): You know,
} the book about the lady who... ...
}
} Salesgirl: Why, you, <SLAP> what kind of store do you think
} this is, anyway?!?
}
} Oracle (with a sigh of satisfaction): Nice to know some of them
} still have the old spunk. Listen, dear, have you ever read
} Leda and the Swan? Consider my plumage...
}
} (Salesgirl shrieks, and bolts for the rear of the store. The
} sound of a telephone being frantically dialed.)
}
} Oracle: Oh well, books are so easy, we need something with a
} little more oomph anyway. (Exits bookstore)
}
} (Back out in the commons, the Oracle sees a pet shop, and with
} a murmer of anticipation, threads his way through the hordes.
} Inside the shop, Oracle finds a terrarium containing a beautiful,
} electric green grass snake, and carries the glass case up to
} the man behind the counter.)
}
} Oracle: Say, do you happen to have any of this little fellow's
} big brothers in here for sale?
}
} Salesman: This is the only snake we have in the store, sir,
} could I interest you in a kitten or a puppy?
}
} Oracle: Only for feeding purposes. Hm, pity. (brightens) I know,
} I can just divert a little energy here, move some DNA over there,
} and presto!
}
} (The grass snake begins to grow; in a matter of seconds, it fills
} the glass case, which shatters. The snake continues to grow, filling
} the top of the counter; its head becomes more triangular, and its
} eyes settle on the salesclerk, glittering hungrily. The salesclerk's
} eyes, in the meantime, are the size of hubcaps. He stutters for a
} moment, then regains his composure and turns angrily to the Oracle.)
}
} Salesclerk: I don't know what kind of stunt you're pulling, bud,
} but if you don't put the grass snake back and get your ass out of
} here, I'll see that it lands in the can tonight!
}
} Oracle: Is that any way to treat a potential customer? (Looks at the
} now eighteen feet-long python, and waves his hand negligently
} towards the clerk.) I know you're hungry, little one, so go ahead -
} enjoy!
}
} (The clerk is immobile, the python is hungry; what follows is
} inevitable. As the Oracle walks out of the shop, he again flicks
} a finger, and all the cages and cases in the shop spring open.)
}
} (Oracle walks through the mall, unable to find any other shop which
} commands his attention. By the time he has spent ten minutes walking,
} people are streaming by, wide-eyed, a voice over the PA is blaring
} something about remaining calm, and security guards are swarming in
} every direction. A rabbit streaks past, hotly pursued by a bobcat. The
} Oracle decides he's had enough, and returns to his cyberoffice.)
}
} <POP>
}
} Well, hell. That was a severe bust. But if you must go to the mall,
} tell you what I'll do. I don't want to spoil ALL the fun of present
} shopping, so here are some sure-fire hints for each of your pals.
} Happy Hunting!
}
} Pete:        Alternative Pharmacology
} Steve:       Explosives
} Dan:         Sensory Deprivation Aids
} Kim:         Interstellar Divination Techniques
} Melanie:     Non-slimy Reptiles
} Jason:       Bela Lugosi Movies
} Michelle:    Fishnet
}
} You owe the Oracle two hours of video tape from the security
} archives of The Mall, shot today.


512-08    (05abb dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi Mr. Oracle
>
> Its 1:24 in the morning. I am still at work trying to meet the
> deadline of 8:30 this morning. There is a funny sound coming from the
> lower-left side of my brain. It sound like
> Pwee-Ting_ting-Sheee...Doooph Clunk Clunk.
>
> Am I stressed out, or is my brain disintegrating, or am i turning into
> a member of Sha Na Na

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmmm... It seems  that your thoughts are pretty cluttered. Perhaps
} you need something to defragment them. I have just the thing...
}
} Introducing:
}                               The Norton Mind Doctor!
}
} With useful utilities like:
}
} Norton's De-Frag: Thoughts all cluttered up? Can't keep a straight
} thought? Perhaps your thoughts are fragmented, With Norton, you can
} reassemble your jumbled thoughts into clean, contiguous thoughts. You
} can also optimize your thoughts, keeping those you access the most in
} your short term memory.
}
} Norton's Un-delete. Ever thrown something into your subconcious, and
} had trpuble accessing it again? Have you ever forgotten anything?
} (Anniversary, Birthdays, wifes name?) Fear not. With Norton, you can
} recover subconcious memories into your short and long term memory with
} ease.
}
} Norton's Mind Doctor. If you've ever had memory loss, you know what a
} traumatic experience it can be. Now, with Mind Doctor, you can retrive
} memories lost in dying or dead brain cells, and copy them into fresh
} brain cells.
}
} Norton's Scrambler. Ever had to remember secret information? Now you
} can keep that secret information secret. Not even famous psychics can
} pickl your brains. Great for CIA agents!
}
} Norton's Delete. Forget it! That's what you'll do when you use the
} Norton's delete. For when you really want to forget last night, or that
} truly awful boyfriend/girlfriend.
}
} Norton's Mind Park. Keep those neurons safe at night. Just park your
} brain, and your memories will be safe!
}
} Plus so much more!!! Norton's Mind Refresh, Norton's Mind Calibrator,
} it's all here for the extremely low price of $99.99. Specify Right
} Brained, Left Brained or Bi-Brained. Operators are standing by RIGHT
} NOW!
}
} DON'T be a victim! Most brain crashes and nervous breakdowns can be
} avoided!
}
} Coming soon! Nortons full body checkup for WINDOWS!
}
} You owe the oracle the multi-brained version.


512-09    (9ab52 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most wise, patient, gentle, kind, and wonderful Oracle, please tell
> me...
>
> What do you do with people who ask you questions, but refuse to answer
> the questions that you ask them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I refuse to answer this question.


512-10    (66988 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} James, age 10, manages to escape from the clutches of his parents and
} older sister while touring the Indiana campus. Wandering around the
} computer building, he suddenly finds himself in the Oracle Priest's
} Lab. There is one person sitting there in front of the terminals.
} (Everyone else had taken off for Christmas break.)
}
} James:  ?
} Harold: Hi, there. Speak up.
} James:  Who're you?
} Harold: I'm Harold Angel.
} James:  Hmm, your name sounds vaguely familiar. Are you famous?
} Harold: What do you mean am I famous? Of *course* I'm famous. Don't you
}         remember, "Hark! The angel Harold sings."
} James:  Oh, were you the one singing while shepherds washed their socks
}         by night?
} Harold: Nope, that was the Asian-Indian angel, V.F.Erdonai. I'm the one
}         who serves peas on hearths with myrrh-seeds mild. (Some prefer
}         their myrrh-seeds hot, but that's better with peas porridge
}         rather than peas on hearths.)
}
} (Loud banging as James' parents crash through the door.)
}
} Mother: *There* you are! How many times must I tell you *not* to wander
}         off???
} James:  But *Mom*! I was just going to ask Harold for some peas on
}         hearth with myrrh-seeds mild.
} Mother: You are in trouble, boy! (drags him out of the room) (to
}         Harold:) Sorry for the trouble, mister.


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