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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You are asked a poet from Slough, > "Why are my rhymes so rough? > Well, I'm not to blame. > The words end the same, > And if that not sufficient, I'm through!"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There was a poor suppl'cant from the USA } and who processor was an EISA } to get through his grovel } i could have used a shovel } And I hear he's been talking to LISA!!! } } What can you when you live in a shoe } You can read poetry from Poe } The suppl'cant's a maggot } he deserves a good <ZOT> } Like a bullet should kill a doe. } } I'll left you off this time..... } } You owe the oracle 18 versions of "There once was an old man from } Nantucket"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle (great psuedo-existential (but aren't we all?) net.god), who > knows (since you are omniscient (or at least I am told you are > omniscient (since I am not omniscient, I have to take (believe) this > on faith))) more data structures (and algorithms (for computers)) than > Tarjan (the computer science professor (at least I think he is still a > C.S. prof., maybe he sold out)) himself (or herself, I have never > actually met Tarjan, and I don't know from first hand (actually, this > phrase is somewhat meaningless) experience if he is a man).  I (the > specific biological entity (or psychological entity if you believe in > a separate soul (whatever that (the soul) is)) who is specifically > writing this question (actually, the question comes later, this part > is really only an introduction (but I think it clarifies the > problem))) have been programming (specifically, computer programming > (although, programming is really a more general process and can be > applied to (that is, made to operate on) any structured, organized > system)) too long (in a strictly aesthetic sense (although my sense of > aesthetics may not dovetail with yours (that is a catch-phrase > suggesting similarity (which I am sure you knew (but I thought it > might be useful to repeat here))))), and my (is the same sense as the > use of the word "I" above) brain (or my mind, if you subscribe to the > dualist theory of mind vs. brain (which I don't, but I do believe in > something somewhat similar (but I don't have time (an interesting > concept, purely dependent on point of view) to present (more > specifically, to type) it here))) has become recursive (in the sense > that I am constantly (really occasionally, but it does happen a lot) > interrupting myself (if that is possible, it doesn't really make sense > to interrupt yourself (or myself))).  What (the use of the word "what" > suggests a noun, but a verbal (or even a command) solution would also > be appropriate) can I (or anyone else for that matter (this sense of > the word "I" is somewhat different than above since it includes agents > of myself)) do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant (who (not Dr. Who though) is apparrently suffering } (nay, rather aching) (to and) from severe (but not pathological, } mind you (or me)) recursion (it is a fact-orial)), your (in the } singular (as in one) (suit) case here (and there)) problem lies } (I hope your mother (whom I do not know personally) did tell you (again } in the singular (e.g. one) (suit) case) never to lie) in your } Lisp (do you still lisp?). } } I (in the collective (meaning many) but yet singular (meaning one) } sense (and yet is there sense in the universe at all?)) being } omniscient (which means that I (again in my (referring to I) many forms } (which I hate filling out)) know a whole lot (of land)) suggest (well } (of water), maybe I should say (er, type (although Lisping is not } properly typed)) demand) that you (again referring to the collective } and yet singular) recode in (and out) BASIC. } } You (the singular (can you sing?) and the plural (where "plu" rhymes } with "clu")) owe the Oracle (who is surely divine (meaning that he } (or she, as I (the Oracle) am an equal-opportunity employer))) a new } (which is entirely relative (to something else)) version of Emacs .

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise and wondrous, guardian of the vulptuous Lisa, > undisputed ruler of the Internet, patron god of compugeeks everywhere, > please answer this little question of mine: > > If you're so smart and powerful, what are you doing in Indiana?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you have to ask, you'll never know. } } You owe the oracle a fish.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me about fish.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fish-net Oracle presents :*The Exciting Adventures of Fish Gordon part } IV* } } [Queen play theme music "FISH - Ahhhhh, saviour of the Tuna-verse }                          FISH - Ahhhhh, it's a Mackerel" ] } } In the last scalebiting episode, Fish Gordon was facing his arch enemy, } Herr-Ing the Merciless, and a whole school of his heartless shellfish } minions.  "blub glub" gloated Herr-Ing, "blooob glug glug floob /-ere } are the sodding subtitles ?! That's better.  We've got you, Gordon! } Surrender or it's bye bye swim bladder!" } "Hah" said Gordon "You may have the crabs, Herr-Ing, but I'm not } scared." "I knew you wouldn't disappoint me" quoth Herr-Ing, "Forward, } men, pincer movement!".  Fish swam his ground as the legion of } crustaceans swept sideways towards him, a cunning gleam in his eye. } Suddenly, with a dashing swish of the tail, he propelled himself upward } towards a small dangling object.  "You fool!" bubbled Herr-Ing "No-one } has ever survived the dreaded hook-thingy!"  Gordon, unswayed, swam } straight for the gleaming object with a maggot on it, and took a firm } bite.  Instantly, he felt himself pulled upward with staggering force, } just avoiding the snatching crab claws below. "Joe! Joe! I've hooked a } big one!" yelled Hank, straining at his rod and madly winding his reel. }  With a struggle, he dumped the fish in his landing net.  "Well I'll } be!" said Joe "A forty poun' Mackerel!" } "Forty one, actually" hissed Gordon. } "Holy s**t!! He spoke!!"  The two bent over Gordon, in awe and shock. } "Yes." said Gordon "For I am Fish Gordon, mutant mackerel of many } powers. }  I can tap-dance, I can sing, I can save the Ocean from evil Herr-Ing, }  I can slay my enemies, like lambs to the slaughter, but I can't }  sodding well breathe out of water.  THROW ME BACK BEFORE I }  SUFFOCATE!!" } "No can do, pal" said Joe, "We're both kinda hungry, y'see." } "Ah.." said Gordon "then perhaps you'd like to know how I got mutated" } "Why'd we wanna know that ?" } "Well, a few years back when I was a normal mackerel, I accidentally }  swam past this bunch of containers on the sea bed.  They were bubbling, }  and one of them was marked somewhat cryptically :'*UCL*AR  W*STE'. }  Strange story, huh ?" } [Pause] [SPLASH!!]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle Trans-Light Shipping Industries, > >       I, the undersigned have recently received the new Intel Optium > based computer that you will be advertising in the year 2004.  My staff > is impressed with the speed of the delivery, but are unhappy with two > flaws found in your design.  Unless these flaws are corrected, we will > be forced to terminate our contract with you, per contract section > II.4-r dated November 15, 2000. > > a) All of my employees who have used the computer started suffering >    withdrawal symptoms when kept from using the equipment for more than >    a few hours.  Each person also tested positive for illegal >    substances after using your equipment.  Further tests eliminated all >    possible sources of these results other than your equipment. > > b) the same high levels of Beta and Gamma radiation have been detected >    from your new machines as were detected in your earlier Pentium, >    Hexium, and Septium based units. > >       These radiation levels have forced our insurance rates through > the roof, and since we will be <ZOT>ed in turn by the Programmer's > Union (again), the Insurer, the Federal Goverment (again) and by your > August Personage, we drew straws, and I got the short one to complain > to you. > > Sincerely, > > William Gates-Clone #4a/jjs#2c > > General Manager MicroSouthWest, > one of the baby-Microsoft companies. > Jul 3, 2000. > > P.S.  Have you ever noticed that Bill-Prime never seems to draw a short > straw?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My Dear Mr. Gates(4a), } } What you describe as "flaws" in the system happen to be precisely what } you ordered.  My review of the purchase order authorized by an } unreasonable facsimile of BillPrime states that you wish to purchase } several "Intel Opium-based computers," and that is precisely what I } shipped.  Is it any surprise that your programmers show withdrawal } symptoms?  Better computing through chemistry, I say!  I also say to } proofread your damn purchase orders.  Doesn't Microsoft have an } error-checking word processor?  That works? } } As for your second "flaw," I recall that one of the major selling } points for you was our patented Oracular True Random Number Generator, } capable of generating numbers so random that only the Oracle can } predict them.  It quite clearly says in the fine print that the OTRanG } contains several radioactive isotopes and DNA strands from } Schroedinger's cat, right there between the list of standard options } and the warning against use of woodchucks as mousepads.  You have } no-one but yourself to blame for your problems. } } Sincerely, } } Oracle } Oracle Trans-Light Shipping and Transmission Repair } } PS  Yes, I have noticed, I'm the Oracle, you pinhead.  I've also } noticed that BillPrime thinks he owns the North Pole, Monticello, } Millie the Dog, and plans to sue his wife for producing a child with } the milkman's "look and feel."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Gee, Oracle, you're really keen. > > You're like a magic 8-ball with brains! > > How do you do it?  With a microprocessor????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For the moment I'll ignore the direction this compliment leans in } (attitude sinestre, without doubt), and attempt to address the one } particular minutium of your query that appears to have some basis in } post-Australopithecine curiosity: that of my sexuality. } } Being a channelling of, shall we say, all that is "Deux ex machina", } yet also having corporeal form best described as "life" (see } _Cyberiada_ by Stanislau Lem [_The Cyberiad_, if you please]) I am } capable of "doing it" on many levels.  In its basest form, this can } simply be repeatedly reading and writing the data cache of some } anonymous CPU on the Usenet.  A more meaningful coupling would be me } ejecting a cartridge tape into the moist, expectant hand of one of my } caring attendants.  The ultimate communication of sexual expression } is, of course, reading news.  In this way, I am remarkably similar to } most Usenet users. } } Please note that nowhere on this hierarchy of amorous exchange did I } list "answering snide questions from alt.fantasy.ferret subscribers." } } The Oracle has spoken.  You owe the Oracle 10 Mb worth of nasty GIF } files.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I finally finished up with my undergraduate work, and was all > set to enter The Real World. (I paid for five years of college so I > wouldn't HAVE to grovel.) > > I was crossing the stage, and just as I got my diploma, this voice > said, "CUT!  That's a wrap!"  All of a sudden, everyone just faded out, > and now these guys are trying to take the stage away.  What's going on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant, } } From a mental snapshot of your cerebrum, and the experience that you } are currently having... I've concluded that you are suffering from a } rare delusion known only as "Post Diem Happious Gradatum Depression". } } There have only been a few cases of this reported in the history of } manic depressive disorders. } } For the past few days, you have been living in an altered state of } reality where in your mind 5 years have passed.  In this state you have } been reliving all episodes of the "Happy Days" Television Show.  If you } concentrate very hard, you'll be able to hear "Rock Around the Clock" } playing in the background. } } You have become so sentimentally attached to the comedic actions of the } Happy Days cast, now that Ralph, Pottsie, and Richie are about to } graduate and move on with their lives, your subconscious cannot handle } the strain of "letting go". } } If you were to look at the director calling "CUT", you would notice } that it is in fact Ron Howard, with a moustache and 2 children, though } you can't picture little Opie Cunningham ever really "doing it". } } There is no permanent cure for this disease, though there is treatment } to help combat its ill-natured effects.  Whenever you feel yourself } slipping away from reality and entering Arnold's, take a deep breath } and say: } }     Sit on it, bucko! }     Sit on it, bucko!! }     Sit on it, bucko!!! } }  ... 10 times, each time getting progressively louder, until the } sensation to hit jukeboxes and hang around in the men's bathroom } subsides. } } Since this has been such an extreme case of delusion, I will forgive } you for not grovelling.  You are actually about to begin your first } class at University, even though in this altered reality, you have } imagined yourself graduating. } } You owe the oracle all the episodes of "Joanie Loves Chachi" in } syndication.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > What is the best way for me to make lots of money? > I mean, I'm good looking, smart, and all those other things, but what I > want, and need, is MONEY. > O tell me, wonderful, and wise oracle, what should I do? > I'll give you anyhting if you tell me the answer, except for money, of > course.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear unenlightened supplicant.  The Oracle is grieved by your misguided } affinity for material things.  True enlightenment and happiness can only } come when we free ourselves from our desires for material things.  The } Oracle can help you with this.  I give seminars on "Freeing ourselves } from our desires for material things." These seminars, run by myself, } and my personally trained assistants, teach you to love the little } things in life, to appreciate that which money will never buy you, and } to free yourself from desires for money. } } There is a seminar starting soon.  The seminars last a week, and cost } only $4999 (trans, food, lodging extra).  They are held at our peaceful } estate in Hawaii.  Call 1-900-U-ORACLE to make a reservation for the } next seminar. } } The Oracle senses your hesitation.  That hesitation is only more proof } of your need to attend the seminar.  Won't you please call now?  Your } future is waiting.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, in whose wisdom we all share, the current threat > is most grevious to hear of.  I refer, of course, to the fiendish plot > by a certain large computer firm to infiltrate your circuits and use > your omnipotence to revamp their products and boost their rapidly > falling stock sales.  Now, it may appear that no such plot could > possibly succeed, but, in this case, it has been put together with all > the subtlty and fiendish cunning of an extremely cunning and fiendish > person.  By appearing to have a vicious fight, IBM and Microsoft have > cleverly fooled the entire world into believing that they are at each > other's throats.  Secretly, however, they are concocting the above > mentioned plan to take over all the world's computers.  Using Windows > 3.1 to pave the way, strategically placed sales of OS/2 2.0 and > Windows NT will be used to seize control over various strategic > computer locations: MIT's Project Athena, Stanford AI Lab, Indiana > University Computer Science, CMU Robotics Lab, etc.  Through the use > of these two almost, but not completely, similar operating systems the > minds of the users will be enslaved through the use of heightened > levels of frustration combined with cleverly designed subliminal > messages appearing whenever users attempt to read news.  Eventually, > when their control is complete, they will strike!  How do you plan to > deal with this?  Does it matter, for is rescuing IBM within even your > power?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} C:\>ZOT } Bad command or file name

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and brilliant Oracle, whose radiance exceeds even that of > Chernobyl: > >      How many Oracles does it take to screw in a light bulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, quite frankly, it depends on the bulb.  However, Oracle Testing } Labs (tm) has found that it is a number directly proportional to the } amount of wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. } } You owe the Oracle a bright idea.