} It's 1993 (in your mere mortal years, anyway), and I no longer have toe
} jam. I have Pearl Jam.
} And since it's just after Christmas, we here at the Oracle Shopping
} Network have great deals on a whole range of Supplicant Products for
} Increased Tenacity (SPIT). These will surely help you gain wisdom.
} 1) Ensure++. Originally $999.99 (450 pounds sterling, several million
} lira), *NOW ONLY $6.66!!!* This powdered fish brain is just what you
} need to add weight and muscle to the old cerebellum! Simply have a
} reasonable breakfast, a reasonable lunch, and then 35 Ensure++ shakes
} for dinner, and _presto_, you'll find that your head will be SPINNING
} with new ideas!
} And for the "Show-off" in you, try New Ensure Ego! Works like
} Ensure++, but it will actually INCREASE THE SIZE OF YOUR HEAD! Watch
} people's eyes bulge as they gaze at what must surely be a dizzying
} Available in Chocolate, Vanilla, Bubble Gum, Coral, Lilac, Firebrick,
} Heifer, and Battleship Grey.
} 2) Marks-Pheing XR287 X-Ray Goggles. Only $38 (0.0000000000002167
} Galactic Pu)!!! This motorcycle crash helmet will give you insight
} you've never dreamed of! Weighing in at only 45 pounds, it's fully
} portable with its Bowling Ball Bag Carrying Case (only available
} through OSN). Just put it on, press a few buttons, and WHAMMO! You've
} irradiated your head! And for a small extra fee, OSN will sell you a
} Limited 36month/36rad Warranty!
} 3) You've seen it on Saturday Night Live, but you can only order it
} through OSN! That's right! Rubik's Grenade! This thought-provoking
} puzzle will have your pulse and brain racing! Simply mix it up, pull
} the pin, and then solve it by lining up all the blocks of the same
} color! Great at parties. 3 for $46.99.
} 4) Some say, "With age comes wisdom." So why wait?!? For a limited
} time only, you can acquire the Thanatos Mirror for only $120 ($135 in
} Canada). Simply look into it, and you'll age 10 years! In only
} moments, you can be the wisest being on the block. And if it doesn't
} work after 5 tries, we'll replace it *FREE*!
} To order, simply send check or money order to: Oracle Shopping Network,
} P.O. Box 92166, Terra Haute, BI, or call, toll free, 1-800-WIZARD7.
} OSN accepts all credit cards and bribes, so order now!
} You owe the oracle 50 years of your life. I get to choose which 50