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Internet Oracularities #52

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52, 52-01, 52-02, 52-03, 52-04, 52-05, 52-06, 52-07, 52-08, 52-09, 52-10


Usenet Oracularities #52    (offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 11 Nov 89 16:33:53 GMT

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52-01    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does one go about becoming an Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Why, one has to go to the Oracle University, which is a member of the
} Professional Career College Consortium (PCCC).  Among other illustrious
} colleges in this consortium are Hamburger Univeristy, the McDonalds
} College to learn how to run a Golden Arches franchise.  There is also
} the Diesel Motor Institute and the Truck Driving Acad.
}   Oracle University is a strange place.  Students are known for their
} pranks, which has included making themselves invisible and doing a panty
} raid in the Delta Delta Delta sorority house.
}   Oracle students have also had the skill to predict what questions will
} appear on a professor's test.  However, they still manage to fail most
} of the time.
}   Everyone at this university is a direct descendant of Apollo, so they
} are all Greeks.  Thus, they all joined fraternities.  Some of the more
} notable frats and sororities at OU are Sigma Epsilon Chi (SEX), Gamma
} Alpha Psi (GAY, for members of the Gay alliance- you know how those
} greeks can get sometimes.).  However, a splinter fraternity from Sigma
} Epsilon Chi was formed, the Beta Iota chapter (BI-SEX), and that is the
} largest coed fraternity in the world.
}   Other frats include Phi Upsilon Kappa (Phuk), and of course Phi Alpha
} Gamma, which include some former members of Gamma Alpha Psi.  (PhAG)...
}   Other frats are Gamma Kappa Epsilon (Like TeKE, but GeKE)....
}   Other frats are too numberous to mention.
}   What else happens at the oracle university?  Well, ocassionally they
} cross register in a class at Hamburger U, and are always able to predict
} that they will burn their hamburgers and fries.  They do.
}   The football team is called the O's, and they always score 0 points,
} and they know what the score that they will lose by.


52-02    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Lisa (my girlfriend, not the net.sex.goddess) has been spending all her
> time with her vibrator and computer, and has been ignoring me.  What
> should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is quite tired of hearing all these questions about
} vibrators!  If you silly mortals would practice _real_ sex more often,
} you wouldn't need those blasted things!
}
} Here is what you do:  Get some photographs of her vibrator and her
} computer doing "interesting" acts together.  From here, you have two
} choices:  you can blackmail the two devices into shunning Lisa and
} driving her back into your arms (and other parts of your anatomy, I
} suppose), or you can show the pictures to Lisa, who will become so upset
} that her two favorite appliances are fooling around behind her back that
} she will run hurriedly to bed with you.  Have a good time, and throw out
} those silly vibrators (keep the computer, though.  They work better when
} deprived of sex for a few weeks.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a list of all the sex acts that the computer and the
} vibrator can perform (with or without Lisa).


52-03    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do the girls never want to come home to my place and look at my
> Fortran listings?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you C one, you C them all.
} Actually, source code listings can be a powerful aphrodisiac.
} But each language speaks to a different audience. For example,
} FORTRAN listings will only appeal to funny looking female rocket
} scientists. Probably this is not the kind of woman you have asked.
} Probably you are asking beautiful hot sexy women who are all
} wondering "WATFOR?". So either ask that school marm of a spinster
} that designs O rings for exploding space shuttles or take up a
} new computer language.
} The Oracle suggests several alternatives:
} If you want to attract rich but somewhat boring accountant types,
} try COBOL listings. She will move HIGH VALUES to your WORKING STORAGE
} SECTION and you can PERFORM SEX UNTIL SATISFIED. If you want funny
} looking rich boring rocket accountants, try using PL/1.
} If you want to get a lot of action out of a single line, use APL.
} Assembler works on many women, but you will only be able to use them
} locally. C is also a good language to attract powerful no nonsense
} women. So is C++, but beware... those girls are usually object oriented.
} If you don't mind simple versatile women you could try BASIC. However
} you will have to relearn everything when you choose a new language.
} Unfortunately, with the woman you are interested in, you really don't
} have a SNOBOL's chance in Hell.
} Also, do not use LISP unless you are into that sort of thing.
}
} The Oracle demands the phone number of the babe you keep striking
} out with.


52-04    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Paris secretly destabilizing New Zealand?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  Through a secret process, they are transforming aged Parisian
} whores into young ewes and shipping them by submarine to New Zealand,
} where they are incorporated into the flocks.  These new ewes seduce
} the shepherds so that they lose interest in sex with women, so that
} the New Zealand birth-rate is plummeting.
}
} Vive la France!


52-05    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A few months ago, I got a copy of a new AI program called Lisa for my
> PC.  It seems to be a much-improved version of the well-known Eliza
> program.  The only trouble is that I think I'm falling in love with Lisa
> - after all she uinderstands me better than any human girl I've ever
> met.
> My questions are:
>
> 1. Is this normal?
> 2. Is there any way of having sex with a computer?
> 3. Is Lisa the program the same Lisa as Lisa the net.sex.godess?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. This is quite normal for computer geeks
}
} 2. Yes, with the proper interface.  Ask around at Radio Shack.
}
} 3. No.


52-06    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I have a gynecological examination with Mickey Mouse?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A little known fact about Mickey was that before he signed on with
} Disney, he used to star in porno flicks that dealt with all sorts of
} kinky taboo.  Most of the titles are self-explanatory:
}
} Mickey and Minnie and Their Friend Pluto
} Mickey and Huey and Dewey and Louie
} Donald and Mickey and What the Cricket Saw
} Mickey and the Cricket and What Donald Saw
}
} Since Mickey's 50 year contract with Disney recently expired, he has
} gone back to his ways of smut, and is currently in the middle of filming
} "Mickey and Minnie, Whips and Chains, Buzzsaws and Vibrators, Bedknobs
} and Broomsticks." It includes a scene in which he is strapped to a
} gynecologist's table with his legs in the stirrups, and while Minnie is
} busy taking pictures, someone else is performing what might be called
} the male equivalent of a pap smear on Mickey.  Since you are interested
} in an examination with him, and since the producers have not yet found
} someone to actually do the exam, you might want to audition.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mousetrap.  And the negatives to Minnie's photos.


52-07    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I wear canary lacy bras and shiny white leg warmers to a job
> interview?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} that depends. Did the add say "$1000/weekend, no experience required"?


52-08    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, like, I went down to my favorite bookstore, the one concerning adult
> interactions, and there I saw this book with the blue and white cover,
> called CHARLINE'S CHARISMATIC CUNT.  Now, I know this Charline person
> pretty well, since I used to be a bouncer in the hotel where she worked,
> so naturally I got the book.  Well, what do you know.  (Metaphorical
> question, great Oracle.  I know you know a whole shitload more than I
> do.) I get home and break out the vaseline and start reading, and the
> prose style of that book is *exactly* like George Bush's!  I cranked up
> my trusty TRS-80 Literary Analyzer, and goddam if they don't have
> *exactly* the same word-usage spectrum!  Did George Bush write
> Charline's Charismatic Cunt?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 's a good question...  Hang on while I dig out the *Authors of Every
} Book Ever* and check....
}
} Here we Go...  _Charline's Charaismatic Cunt_...  Copyright 1988, J.
} Danforth Quayle.  Hmm...  Oh...  It says here that J.  Danforth Quayle
} is George Bush's Pen Name.  Looks like the answer to your question is
} YES.
}
} The Oracle demands that you get rid of your Trash 80 and buy a *REAL*
} computer.


52-09    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh most wise oracle, why hast thou caused me to desire
> a ham sandwich with petroleum jelly as a sexual partner?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It has reached our attention that you are unable to get the slender,
} beautiful women that you (controlled by the media) desire.  We have thus
} commanded you to desire fatter women, so that you do not destroy
} yourself with unfulfillable lust.  Your mind, being a sleazy one,
} perverted our command to say "C'mon!  Dontcha want a slippery porker
} between the sheets?", and from there the ham sandwich with petroleum
} jelly was inevitable.
}
} You owe the Oracle a reinterpretation.


52-10    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happens to me if I refuse to send you your payment? I bet nothing
> happens, you big wimp!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Some possible results:
}
} 1.  You stunt your spiritual development, remaining at the karmic level
}     of the average slime slug for untold aeons.
}
} 2.  Sixteen koala bears from Hell tear out your entrails.
}
} 3.  You are caught indulging in oral sex with a poodle, in a sleazy
}     department store in New York city, by a gang of former high school
}     teachers.  Yes, the cute history teacher who you had a crush on will
}     be there -- with a camera.
}
} 4.  You will spend several years in sleazy department stores in NYC,
}     having oral sex with an ugly poodle named Clarissa, hoping to
}     impress your cute history teacher, to no avail.
}
} 5.  The pills will take effect.
}
} 6.  I forget what 6 should be.
}
} 7.  You will gradually lose your shape, and eventually be reduced to an
}     amorphous blob of flesh with an insatiable lust for tofu.


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