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Internet Oracularities #520

Goto:
520, 520-01, 520-02, 520-03, 520-04, 520-05, 520-06, 520-07, 520-08, 520-09, 520-10


Usenet Oracularities #520    (38 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 18 Jan 1993 09:04:58 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   520
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

520   38 votes 58f82 4ad74 5ed42 46ac6 39bc3 3acb2 6fc41 3698c 2cbb2 19dc3
520   3.0 mean  2.8   2.9   2.6   3.3   3.1   3.0   2.4   3.5   3.0   3.2


520-01    (58f82 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Glorious Oracle, I humble myself at your pedal extremities and kiss the
> toes of your safety shoes!  Tell me, tell me, I implore, what is the
> best way to clean a pair of REALLY FILTHY track shoes.  I'm telling
> you, my room mate's shoes smell like three-week old garbage on a hot
> beach and they're driving me nuts! *gag*

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm...I, being possessed of a pair of omnipotent Odor Eaters [tm],
} don't normally have to deal with this problem, but I'll certainly give
} it a whirl.
}
} Let me see, there are all sorts of fragrances you could try, but that
} really won't solve the problem for very long.  Presumably you could try
} tossing them in the wash (CAUTION!  Wear safety goggles and aprons when
} handling known toxic chemicals and substances!  Kids, don't try this at
} home!  This college student is [going to be] a Trained Professional!),
} although that has its drawbacks.
}
} Tell ya what, I'll just slip on down and see how bad these shoes really
} are...Energize, Mr. O'Brien.
}
} [beam effect goes here]
}
} Well, where's the...By the Multifaceted Eyes of Beelzebub, those things
} are STINKY!  Supplicant, you'd best stand WAY back. (Phew!  Lisa, hon,
} draw a bath...) Ready?  Anyone coming? Good...
}
} <ZOT!>  <beam>
}
} You don't owe the Oracle a thing.  You owe your roomie a new pair of
} shoes, however.  Come to think of it, you owe the Oracle -- as a
} PERSONAL favor -- $15.95, to cover the cost of a foot bath and personal
} podal care guide for your roommate.  Tell him garlic generally isn't
} eaten with his toes.


520-02    (4ad74 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Almighty Omniscient Omnipotent Omnipresent Omnidirectional Oracle,
> please answer my question:
>
> At my high school, there is a 3M 570 copier.  Of course, being school
> property, it won't copy to save its live.  Likewise, we have IBM's in
> the computer labs.
>
> The question is:  how do I make the copier copy like a good copier
> would (chuck)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A clever copier can cause a copier to copy clearly by kicking it
} correctly.  Concentrate.  Consider causing catastrophic calamities
} concerning copiers.  Kick!  Kick!  Kick!.  Clean copier crumbs.
} ('Cause copier crumbs cause copier kickers to be kicked from class.)
} Commence copying clean copies on the kicked copier.  Creating correct
} clean copies causes copiers to clunk and clang.  Kick correct copiers
} accordingly to keep clean copies coming.  Caution:  Caught copier
} kickers copying quits.
}
} Concerning computers:  Current conditions could crumble.  Consider
} computing correctly keying a Mac-in-Flush.


520-03    (5ed42 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh great grand wonderful oracle
>
> can i lock my caps in the lowercase position, to make typing easier?
> before i go offending people with my stylishly hip lowercase type, what
> are the implications and meanings i send to my reader?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} YES, BIFF!
}
} SUCH A THING EXISTS, A KEYBOARD ON WHICH YOU CAN TYPE ONLY LOWERCASE
} CHARACTERS, AND UPPERCASE CHARACTERS ARE THE EXCEPTION. HOWEVER,
} TO COME INTO THE POSSESSION OF SUCH A WONDERFUL THING, YOU MUST FIRST
} REACH THE STATE OF TRUE ENLIGHTENMENT.
} THE PATH OF ENLIGHTENMENT IS LONG AND ARDUOUS. PROCEED AS FOLLOWS:
} 1. DROP YOUR COMMODORE 64 OUT OF THE WINDOW. DO IT NOW AND DO NOT
}    HESITATE.
} 2. GO AND GET AN ACCOUNT ON A MAINFRAME. THIS IS THE FIRST STAGE
}    OF ENLIGHTENMENT. BE SURE TO GET A VMS MACHINE AND NOR VM, BECAUSE
}    VM IS A WORK OF EVIL AND FEW HAVE EVER COME OUT OF ITS CLUTCHES.
} 3. LEARN TO TYPE IN LOWERCASE CHARACTERS, EVEN IF ALL YOUR COMMANDS
}    ARE STILL AUTOMATICALLY CONVERTED TO UPPERCASE.
}    SUCH IS THE PREPARATION OF ENLIGHTENMENT.
} 4. FORGET EVERYTHING YOU KNOW UNTIL NOW. MAKE YOUR MIND EMPTY AND
}    SEND A MESSAGE TO THE ORACLE WITH THE WORD "GNU" IN THE SUBJECT
}    LINE.
}    WITH A LITTLE LUCK, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO REACH A PARTIAL LEVEL
}    OF ENLIGHTENMENT OF, SAY, 10% IN NOT QUITE THREE YEARS.
}
} YOU OWE THE ORACLE A C SHELL.


520-04    (46ac6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH most profound and wise Oracle, I pray thee answer my query...
>
> How large should a woman's breasts be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa, listen up!  There's someone with a question for you... about how
} large a woman's breasts should be... yes, that's what I thought
} myself...  all RIGHT, don't start shouting about it... it's not MY
} fault it's not MY letter... I was NOT criticising... I like your
} breasts, I think them enormous... no no NO I didn't mean that at
} all...  ANYONE would find those breasts enormous... Lisa you know I
} love you...  Look we can go to the cinema this evening and dine out
} afterwards...  what do you mean five weeks ago... but I COULDN'T... yes
} I did promise but I had work up to my ears...  Now don't go in a huff
} about it... yes you ARE in a huff... huff huff HUFF...  Lisa
} pleeeease...  I didn't want to hurt your feelings I didn't really...
} don't start crying you make me feel wretched... I think your breasts
} look PERFECT honey...  Its NOT that I don't love you I want to do it
} every time I see you... I know last time was two months ago... Lisa
} that was my last hanky I don't have any others... pleeeease be good to
} me...  you're my one and only, I can't LIVE without you... I'm
} miserable downright miserable...  yes, I DO think you're looking sexy,
} you're looking sexy all the time... What, NOW?!  For crysake, I can't
} POSSIBLY leave all this work on the table... I'M NOT MAKING FUN OF
} YOU!  Please, we can have a go this evening... STOP NAGGING ME, YOU'RE
} ALWAYS NAGGING ME!  I'M SORRY I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE LETTER I'M
} APOLOGIZING ALL THE TIME!  Look, I'll only answer the first 300
} Questions today. I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT BUT PLEASE STOP SCREAMING AT
} ME!  yes yes YES! ... Later!   I told you later! ...  all right all
} right all RIGHT! ... SO DO IT IF YOU WANT TO! ... I'm NOT cold I'm
} NOT heartless I'm NOT cruel!  For heaven's sake!  Is it MY FAULT YOU'RE
} GETTING A FLAPPISH APPEARANCE?! ... SHUT UP!  SHUT UP!  SHUT UP!
} and shut the door too!  (Phew... )
}
} --- HEY WHAT DID YOU MEAN `FOREVER'?...  (Oh dear.  Now I'm in for real
} trouble.)   LISA COME BACK, PLEASE COME BACK!  I APOLOGIZE I'M SORRY
} ABOUT IT HONEST I APOLOGIZE!  I WILL NEVER EVER HURT YOUR FEELINGS
} AGAIN!...  LIIISAAA!  SWEETHEART!  WAIT LISA!  Pleeaaase Honey
} (sob)....
}
}
} Dear Sir, Dear Madam,
}
} The Priesthood of the Oracle acknowledges the receipt of your
} question(s).
} At this time of writing, our facility is unfortunately still closed due
} ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
} to the absence of its owner.  As soon as our service is functional
} again, we will announce this fact in all the important daily
} newspapers.  In the mean time, we thank you for your tolerance,
} patience, and cooperation.
}
} This form letter does not carry a signature.
}
} Sincerely yours,
} Priesthood of the oracle.


520-05    (39bc3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Three cords, if he chucks all day, two if he breaks for lunch.
} The Oracle is quite impressed with your notation for the WC query.
}
} You owe the Oracle !


520-06    (3acb2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle,
>
>    If I send a question to 'oracle@cs.indiana.edu' but instead of
> putting 'tell me' in the subject, I put 'ask me,' where does the
> question go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Personnel Department.
}
} You'll be hearing from them on Monday about the job.


520-07    (6fc41 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> most red and blue and red and black and white and green and orange and
> yellow Oracle -
>
> what color is the best?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Viridian.  Definitely viridian.
}
} You owe the Oracle a gallon of Misty Ecru.


520-08    (3698c dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O one who has all the original Star Trek episodes on tape, even unto
> the fifth season:
>
> What are those long, inward-curving prongs on Deep Space 9, that make
> it look like a bent claptrap, or perhaps a skeletized sphere?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aha! You have stumbled onto the most important part of the space
} station in Deep Space 9, the pigstickers!  Throughout the many seasons
} to come, we shall see many new and innovative uses for this dada bit of
} structure, as the script-writers need escape-hatches for the corner
} they've painted themselves into.
}
} Already we've seen them used as
} 1: spaceship docks
} 2: "structure" for the shields
}
} Look for these and more creative plots in the future!
} 3: A Kyrranh Ambassador brings with him to DS9 a harem larger than the
}    population of most colonies, overburdening the unreliable on-board
}    life-support and sparse luxury quarters.  The situation reaches
}    critical mass when the Ambassador demands that all of his
}    fourteen-thousand suits be pressed or else all negotiations are off
}    (Kyrannhs take their laundry _very_ seriously).  After an intense
}    discussion, crisis is averted when Sisko orders a gigantic laundry-
}    line stretched between the prongs.
}
} 4: A holodeck-simulation goes awry when Sisko's son drops his slingshot
}    in an open maintenance panel and a maniacial evil wizard kidnaps Dax
}    to the West Tower...
}
} 5: Despite the hard work of the engineering team, DS9 is left without
}    photon torpedoes or phasers after an alien sabotage, and instead
}    counter the attack of a deadly warship by ramming a prong into the
}    side of the ship.
}
} 6: A renegade comet threatens to hit the planet, until a trampoline is
}    strung up between the prongs and the comet bounces away harmlessly.
}    (DS9, however, is kicked out of orbit.)
}
} 7: DS9 transforms into a giant insect to thwart the Decepticons.
}    Prongs become all-important antennae.
}
} Other uses for the prongs
}
} 8: Ideal place to sulk
} 9: Raise the mizzenmast, laddie!
} 10: Perfect for psychic channelling and seances.
} 11: A veritable grab bag of random events! (Roll d6 to determine what
}     (a) children playing hide-and-go-seek, a lost security team, or a
}     mischevous alien find in the rarely visited prong: 1. Stolen plans
}     left by a Ferengi spy, 2. A mysterious alien document, 3. A new
}     alien lifeform of a kind not encountered before, 4. Rosebud, 5. A
}     dusty old sword promising mystical power to all those that possess
}     it, 6. Q's underwear.)
} 12: Make your own.  Be creative!
}
} You owe the Oracle a subscription to Milk and Cheese.


520-09    (2cbb2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great magnanamous Oracle, whose bile is too glorious for me to lick,
> please tell me this:
>
>   Why is software upgraded so often, if it's not to make terrible
>      profits at the expense of users?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are right, software upgrades exist for the sole purpose of gouging
} the user. There is no point in upgrading your software, since it
} doesn't get much better.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of WordStar 1.0


520-10    (19dc3 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jim@oasis.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus x3121)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh magnificent, munificent Oracle and probability god:
> Suppose you are given 3 opaque boxes and I tell you that if you pick
> the box with a stone in it you will win a free trip to Miami Beach.
> You pick a box, say, box #1.  I now open box #3 and show you that it is
> empty.  I give you the option to switch your choice from box #1 to #2.
> Should you do it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a good example to illustrate the difference between mortal
} probabilities and Oracular probabilities.  First, mortal probability:
}
} Let's say a mortal supplicant is given a choice between three boxes,
} one of which contains a stone, there is a 33% chance that he or she
} will pick the right box (plus an infinite number of repeating decimal
} 3's). When one of the boxes is removed, the mortal's chances of picking
} the correct box goes up to 50%, which means that he or she will do
} better in the long run by changing his or her choice.
}
} Now, Oracular probability is a bit different, because of the fact that
} the ALL-KNOWING and OMNISCIENT Oracle already knows where the stone is.
} The probability of the Oracle picking the right box depenends on the
} following factors:
}
}    1. Whether the offered trip to Miami is 1st class or coach.
}    2. Projected levels of precipitation and temperature in Southern
}       Florida during the time period in question.
}    3. What Lisa is willing to do to convince me that we need a
}       vacation away from Indiana.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle SPF 15 with cocoa-butter and a new
} beach chair.


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