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Internet Oracularities #521

Goto:
521, 521-01, 521-02, 521-03, 521-04, 521-05, 521-06, 521-07, 521-08, 521-09, 521-10


Usenet Oracularities #521    (39 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1993 00:10:39 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   521
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

521   39 votes ab963 6a8d2 98c82 149be 7dd42 199d7 k8722 26ef2 34ka2 35ec5
521   2.9 mean  2.5   2.9   2.6   3.8   2.5   3.4   1.9   3.2   3.1   3.3


521-01    (ab963 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wondrous, stupendous, magnificent Oracle...
>
> What's the difference between Santa's elves and graduate students?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Graduate students get paid and Santa's elves are satisfied with their
} jobs.


521-02    (6a8d2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is surrealism?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  W
} W W     W          t
}   W    W            h
}   W    W             e      n
}  W  W  W                     O
}  W W WW                    again?
}  WW  WW                      T
}  W   W  H                   s            AT's
}                            E
}                           u
}                          Q


521-03    (98c82 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh magnificent Oracle, whose voice is as beautiful as the
> sound of information plying across cyberspace, the answer to this:
>
> For the last two days, my hard drive has been acting up.  It seeks all
> over, and suddenly shuts down.  So, I issue a disk command, and it
> starts up, and I does it again in a couple minutes.  I asked a local
> Intel box guru, and he said to me, "how is your FAT?"
>
> "Hey, I'm on a diet, give me a break!"
>
> "No, is the drive fragmented?"
>
> "It's in one piece."
>
> "No, speedisk it!"
>
> So, I took it out, and threw it off the 10th floor.  It sped all right.
>
> However, now it's fragments, like he said, so it must be okay now.  I
> put it back in, and hooked it up, and it doesn't work at all.  I called
> the guru up again, and he was in a hurry, but he did say, "I am sure
> the heads crashed."
>
> "So am I," I replied, and hung up.
>
> Wisest Oracle, what can I do to help my poor hard drive?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try Norton...


521-04    (149be dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, whose profundities steer the fate of Man.  Answer me
> this question:
>
> Is it safe for me to run /usr/bin/fortune without spawning
> /usr/bin/outrageous_fortune < slings+arrows ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To spawn, or not to spawn--that is the question
} Whether 'tis /usr/contrib/bin/snobol'er in the mind to
}  endure the slings+arrows of outrageous_fortune
} Or to take alarm(2) against a /bin/csh of troubles
} And by apropos'ing end(3C) them.
} To die, to /bin/sleep--no /usr/bin/more
} And by a /bin/sleep to say we end(heartache,
}  1000*shocks(natural,flesh))
} To die, 'tis a comm | summation dev(2)+out(3)'ly
}  to be wished!
} To /bin/sleep, perchance to iostream! Aye, there's the rub!
} For in that sleep of death what screens may come
} When we have shuffled off this mortal coil
} Must give us pause()
}
} You owe the Oracle source code to splint (the Shakespeare
}  verse beautifier)


521-05    (7dd42 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> /* NOTE- This program makes use of the zot function. In order for the
>    the program to work properly, it is suggested to use -z and -Z
>    flags during compilation. Otherwise unexpected zots may occur.
> */
>
> #include <grovels.h>
> #include <questions.h>
> #include <answertypes.h>
> #include <thanks.h>
> #include <zots.h>
> #include <livingconditions.h>
> #include <invitations.h>
>
> #define Oracle Usenet Oracle oracle@cs.indiana.edu
>
> main()
> {
>    AnswerType  answer_type;
>    char        *answer;
>    char        tmp_str[1024];
>
>    grovel( HyperGrovel );
>    answer_type = ask_question( argv[ 1 ], &answer );
>    switch( answer_type )
>    {
>      case AnswerGreat:
>        thank( Oracle, VeryAppreciated );
>        break;
>      case AnswerGood:
>        thank( Oracle, RegularThank );
>        break;
>      case AnswerLousy:
>        break;
>      case AnswerZotty:
>        strcpy( tmp_str, "" );
>        strcpy( tmp_str, TerribleZot );
>        strcpy( tmp_str, ", " );
>        strcpy( tmp_str, HorribleZot );
>        strcpy( tmp_str, ", " );
>        strcpy( tmp_str, KillingZot );
>        strcpy( tmp_str, ", " );
>        strcpy( tmp_str, RedHotChillyZot );
>        strcpy( tmp_str, ", " );
>        strcpy( tmp_str, AcidicZot );
>        zot( Oracle, tmp_str );
>    }
>
>    /* Futher execution of the program is oracle-dependent in the sense
>       that whether in the above switch statement the zot function is
>       called, and if called, what the reaction of Oracle has been.
>    */
>    if( still_alive() )
>    {
>      sigh();
>      exit( 0 );
>    }
>    else
>    {
>      invite_relatives( MyRelatives, MyFuneral,
>                        date_of_funeral( ask_oracle() ) );
>    }
> }

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > > gcc -z -Z oracle.c
} > ld: Undefined symbol
} >    _zot
} > collect: /usr/bin/ld returned 2 exit status
}
} What?  You think we put <ZOT!> in every commercial library or
} something? Get serious.
}
} You owe the Oracle a faster compiler.


521-06    (199d7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What criteria do you use to determine which day is best
> for publishing your most wise advices?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The alarm clock rings.  The Oracle presses the snooze bar.
} The alarm clock rings.  The Oracle sits up groggily and casts a
} chilling eye toward the clock, which winces and turns off.
}
} The Oracle gets out of bed, slips on his bunny slippers, puts on
} his robe, takes it off, turns it inside out, puts it back on.
} He opens the window shade a crack, looks out at the starry universe,
} and sees that it is the same universe he first looked at countless
} eons ago.  The shade drops from his fingers back into place.  From
} some dark recess, the word "coffee" enters his brain.
}
} He turns on the kitchen lights, shouts "OW! OW! OW! CRAP!" and quickly
} turns them back off.  He shields his eyes and timidly flicks the light
} switch back on.  With one hand over his eyes, he shuffles groggily
} over to the fridge and reads the note stuck to it through the crack
} in his fingers: "Orrie, don't forget you promised to clean out the
} garage, the garbage needs taking out, and have a supplicant get you
} a keg of mead to serve to the guests tonight.  XOXOXO, L."
}
} His eyes more or less adjusted to the kitchen lights, the Oracle pours
} a cup from the waiting pot cradled in the automatic brew machine,
} sits down at the table, and opens his newspaper, the
} "Mt. Olympus Myths."  The front page, as always, is old news.  He
} turns to the funny papers.  Glances at Peanuts, smirks at Calvin and
} Hobbs.  Looks for the six differences between the pictures in
} Hocus Focus.  Turns the page to the horoscope section, takes a sip
} from his coffee, realizes too late that it is still too hot drink,
} swallows it painfully.
}
} He runs his finger down the horoscopes for his sign: Aries, Taurus,
} Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Oracle.  ORACLE: "Ask people who are older and
} wiser for help.  Stay open to new suggestions of friends.  Winning
} isn't as important to your future as how you play the game.  Excercise
} is fun with your friends.  Consider a checkup and diet plan.  Flirt
} just a little with guests tonight and you'll be going to new places.
} You never call home; for all you know, your parents might be dead.
} Today is a good day to post the latest Oracularities."  The Oracle
} grunts, makes a mental note, blows gently into the coffee cup, takes a
} second sip, sighs.  "I should never have let mother talk me into
} getting her that job as the newspaper's psychic, I don't care if she IS
} one of the three fates," he thinks.
}
} The Oracle turns to the horse racing page, glances through the entries,
} and picks up the telephone.


521-07    (k8722 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty Oracle, whose linked lists are sexier than my
> boyfriend's handcuffs, and who I am entirely certain would never wear
> a mauve beret, I am shocked. I was playing Ishido this morning, and
> being the Ishido babe that I am, I got one four-way right after
> another. (no knowing snickers, please.)
> Eventually, I ran out of questions about my life and asked the Ishido
> oracle:     "Have you any connection with the Usenet Oracle?"
>
> Here was the Ishido oracle's reply (notice please that I did not
> capitalize that oracle, grovel, grovel) :
>
> Dark Stone in the place of authority:  As long as nurturing is provided
> in the right way and for the right things, he prospers.  But true
> nurturing requires modesty, perseverance, and strength.  If he is not up
> to the task himself, he must seek assistance.  He must not allow his ego
> to propel him unwisely forward.
>
> Oracle, what reply have you to this upstart?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And you dare come to drink of my eternal wisdom. Thou must have
} the neck of a giraffe. And besides, what is so unseemly about a
} mauve beret ?
}
} > Here was the Ishido oracle's reply (notice please that I did not
} > capitalize that oracle, grovel, grovel) :
}
} Govel if it pleases you ...
} You have offended me deeply, to the very depth of my essence,
} deep as the oceans are deep, deep as the mountains are high.
} I am injured ..
} (well enough of that .. )
}
} > Dark Stone in the place of authority: As long as nurturing is
} > provided in the right way and for the right things, he prospers.  But
} > true nurturing requires modesty, perseverance, and strength. If he is
} > not up to the task himself, he must seek assistance. He must not
} > allow his ego to propel him unwisely forward.
} >
} > Oracle, what reply have you to this upstart?
}
} What a load of trollop, if its a job he wants, let him go
} to the employment exchange.


521-08    (26ef2 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My dearest Oracle,  Whose phlegmy goober I could only dream of
> swallowing (soaked in olive oil, like a good oyster, of course), please
> tell me:
>
> If I start up a C shell and put it up to my ear, what will I hear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'd hear the sound of the C, of course, as it repeatedly crashes
} on the silicon beach.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bitmap of Gennifer Flowers.


521-09    (34ka2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Incessant, who causeth ignorance to snuffeth, whose RAM
> containeth all data, whose insights inspire and delight, whose shiney
> pate giveth forth a brilliance so great that one might read the fine
> print of our insurance policies and whose marbles are never lost, tell
> me, tell me please:
>
>       The Statement Below is False.
>       The Statement Above is True.
>
> Is this a quandary, conundrum, koan, paradox, or is it merely bad
> grafitti?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.
}
} Oh, I guess I should expand upon that, right?  Sorry, I sometimes
} overlook the simplicity of your minds, being omnipotent and all...
}
} Yes, it is a quandary, but it is not a conundrum.  It is also not a
} koan, but can be a paradox.  However, it can also be a conundrum, but
} never a paradox, provided that it *is* a koan and *not* a quandary.
}
} Understand?
}
} You owe the Oracle all of your logic - you're not using it anyways.


521-10    (35ec5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Miller <stcmille@Panix.Com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> MR USENET ORACLE
> @MOOSE.CS.INDIANA.EDU
>
> Dear MR. ORACLE:
>
> Our extensive market research has found that you are among the
> privileged set of clients for our consulting services.  We have
> found that your time is increasingly cluttered up with matters like:
>
>      WOODCHUCKS
>      GROVELING
>      and IDIOTIC QUESTIONERS
>
> As the vital holder of a job as THE MOST KNOWLEDGEABLE ENTITY IN THE
> KNOWN UNIVERSE, WHO KNOWS ALL, SEES ALL, BUT FORTUNATELY DOESN'T
> TELL ALL, we know how vital your time is, MR USENET ORACLE.  So try
> our consulting service for just 1 MONTH.  All we require is a FIFTY
> PERCENT fraction of the gross proceeds of the transactions we handle
> for you, MR USENET ORACLE.  So, what do you say to out stupendous
> offer?  Please reply to the following address:
>
>       Bitbucket Enterprises
>       bitbucket!biff!bitnet!uunet

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bitbucket Enterprises
} bitbucket!biff!bitnet!uunet
}
} Dear Sirs,
}
} I am extremely eager to take advantage of  your offer to provide
} Consulting Services for one month at a cost of  50% of the gross
} proceeds.  I am forwarding to you 50% of last month's proceeds from the
} Oracular transactions, trusting that this will suffice as pre-payment
} for your services throughout the month of February.  Please find
} enclosed:
}
}       1 pair well-worn track shoes
}       2 partridges in a pear tree
}       1 infinite loop
}       1 woodchuck and 3 cords of fire wood
}       1 graham cracker
}       17 X-rated snapshots of Princess Diana
}       1 meta dragon
}       1/2 of a futon
}       1 Christmas phone call
}       1 large winch
}       6 lbs sour grapes
}       1 grappling iron
}       2 packs 10-meg diskettes
}       8 spark plugs
}       1 dribble glass
}       5 lbs. carrots
}       284 <ZOT> signs (assorted)
}
} Sincerely yours,
} USENET ORACLE
} @MOOSE.CS.INDIANA.EDU


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