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Internet Oracularities #526

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526, 526-01, 526-02, 526-03, 526-04, 526-05, 526-06, 526-07, 526-08, 526-09, 526-10


Usenet Oracularities #526    (54 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 30 Jan 1993 00:10:45 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   526
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

526   54 votes 8hi92 4km53 6eei2 3km81 59fk5 2agga khh00 6en83 19nf6 aagf3
526   2.8 mean  2.6   2.7   2.9   2.7   3.2   3.4   1.9   2.8   3.3   2.8


526-01    (8hi92 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If, then why not?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In any known compiler for the English language, this question will
} produce a syntax error.  However, it is probably legal PERL.


526-02    (4km53 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the true inner meaning of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sorry but I am unable to give you the answer to this as I have been
} served a `Look and Feel' suit by a certain Douglas Adams which prevents
} me from providing any answers which may be concidered in any way
} similar to a numeric value.
}
} You owe the Oracle the address of a good lawyer.


526-03    (6eei2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In all the land and all the sea not creature that walks, flies, or
> swims is unknown to you.  Darwin drank of thy cup but received the
> merest fraction of thy lore.
>
> If it so pleases you, tell me why Galapagos has such big turtles.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <Smack!>
}
} Mom!  Why did you hit the supplicant?
}
} Because, dear Orrie, the damn supplicant commented on the size of my
} turtles!
}
} But mom.....(whine)!
}
} But nothing!  The world is going to learn that Mother Nature will take
} no more of this sexist abuse!
}
} But mom, what sexist abuse?
}
} What sexist abuse?  Orrie, you disappoint me.  I thought I gave you a
} better upbringing than that!  Men, and I mean men, view nature as a
} woman: virgin territory waiting for their rape, exploitation, and
} taming.  Well, I'm no virgin!  I'm a mean, nasty, vindictive,
} protective mother, and I'm getting sick of my misbehaving humans.  They
} were never supposed to leave Africa!  No more nice Mother Nature.
} Mother Nature is a vindictive bitch, and she's looking for
} revenge!!!!!!!!
}
} Mother, I never saw this side of you before!
}
} Orrie, you are a blind idiot.  Come on, Lisa!  Let's go shake up
} California.
}
} Bye mom!  Well, you've been warned, my red faced supplicant.  You owe
} the Oracle...never mind.  You owe Mother Nature an ozone plug for the
} hole.


526-04    (3km81 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, who has an impeccable sense of direction and can find
> the pirate's treasure chest with his eyes closed:
>
>  I am in a room of twisty little passages all alike.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Confused and disoriented Supplicant,
}
} Since you are either wandering around in a modern high-rise office
} building or having an Adventure, there are two approaches you can take.
} If it's the former, take a large black felt tip marker and put big
} numbers -- at least two feet high -- on the walls to keep track of
} where you are.
}
} If you're having an Adventure, drop everything you are carrying, one
} piece at a time, in each of the passages.  Then they will be twisty
} little passages all DIFFERENT and you can map them. When your map is
} finished,  pick up your worldly effects and get on with your life.
}
} Do not drop your lamp -- horrible things happen to people who wander
} off alone in the darkness.  Either the grues will get you or --
} reverting back to the first possible venue -- the building security
} manager and maintenance staff will assume you have gone completely off
} your rocker and will call for some muscle men in white jackets to take
} you to a nice comfortable quiet padded cell.
}
} You owe the oracle a map of Zork and a copy of Elsinore Castle for the
} PC.


526-05    (59fk5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Miller <stcmille@Panix.Com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, master of the rhymes for "orange" and "silver," please
> complete this limerick for me (the first line follows):
>
> "A girl in a class of aerobics"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A girl in a class of aerobics
} Composed of fat agoraphobics --
}     She feared open space
}     So she filled up a place
} With the flab of her fellow round globics.
}
} You owe the Oracle an elastic aspic autographed by Ogden Nash.


526-06    (2agga dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh muscular and sportive Oracle,
> oh winner of any electronic game simulation,
> please tell me:
>
> Why did the inventors of Rugby decide to play with an egg-shaped ball
> instead of a nice dodecaeder-shaped one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rugby was invented, by William Webb Ellis, at Rugby School, England in
} 1823, which gave the game it's name.
}
} Eventually people got bored playing a game called "Ellis" and changed
} the name to "Rugby".
}
} The oval shape of ball is distinctive for the game, and follows a
} series of experiments in the 19th and 20th centuries, with ball shapes.
}
} Some of the experiments are documented in the Oracle's archives.
}
} Game:         Football (called 'Soccer' in some colonies)
} Ball shape:   Round
} Where:        China
} Date:         500BC
} A major international sport, with some reputation for spectator
} violence.
}
} Game:         Rugby
} Ball shape:   Oval
} Where:        Rugby, England
} Date:         1823
} A major international game, played by renowned intellectuals, who make
} jokes about 'playing with odd shaped balls'.
}
} Game:         Bognor football
} Ball shape:   Cube
} Where:        Bognor, England
} Date:         1855
} In an attempt to create their own famous game, the residents of Bognor,
} created 'Bognor football', which was a complete failure, not only would
} the ball not roll, but the goat frequently wandered off to find
} something more interesting to do.
}
} Game:         Awfvedrgyi
} Ball shape:   Round, made of bronze with sharp (3 inch) metal spikes.
} Where:        South America
} Date:         1244
} A ritual game invented a tribe of native Incas in order to test the
} strength of a youth before he can be admitted into adult life, The test
} was so effective, that very few youths survived, which led to the
} extinction of the tribe.
}
} Game:         Javelin
} Ball shape:   Spear
} Where:        Ancient Greece
} Date:         152 AD
} Before this game was a popular Olympic throwing event, it used to be a
} competitive team sport, opposing teams of five athletes (usually
} slaves) would stand 20 yards apart and throw spears at each other, if
} you caught one you were allowed to throw it back (provided you hadn't
} been killed in the process of catching it).
}
} The participants, who knew their life expectancy was not terribly good,
} decided that it was better to hurl the spears as far as possible into
} the audience, and it is from this that the modern sport evolved.
}
} A similarly popular (with the participants) game, which involved
} catching a discus between the teeth, also evolved into an Olympic
} event.
}
} Game:         Sticking the boot in.
} Ball shape:   -
} Where:        Football matches in Europe
} Date:         Modern day.
} This charming native sport has superceded football spectatorship in a
} number of modern day European cities, the objective is to ignore the
} football game going on and kick supporters of the opposing team, or if
} none are available, supporters of your own team.
}
} Game:         American football
} Ball shape:   Oval
} Where:        America
} Date:         Modern day.
} This game is a cheap and tacky rip-off of Rugby, where the weak and
} feeble participants, need to protect themselves with all sorts of
} padding. This contrasts with Rugby, where the loss of an ear or a
} broken neck are all considered to be part of the game.
}
} Game:         Cricket
} Ball shape:   Small, round and very hard.
} Where:        Everywhere in the civilised world.
} Date:         1527 to modern day.
} This is a very dull game, whose only interesting aspect, is the
} meaningless babble, spouted by commentators. The levels of boredom at a
} cricket match have been sufficient to cause brain ceasure.
}
} You owe the Oracle, a ticket to the next test series at Lord's.


526-07    (khh00 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it "Mary" or "back"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, it's both.
} As a matter of fact, history has often given us many fine examples
} of this fascinating combination. For example, Jesus' mother, Mary, had
} a back smooth yet marred by hay indentions. Mary Magdalene however,
} had a back considerably more rough (no doubt from frequent use).
} Thanx to Nickelodeon, Mary Tyler Moore is back in force, and Mary
} Mary Quiet Contrary has a stupid little garden in back of your local
} Cracker Barrel.


526-08    (6en83 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HI ORR1E!!!! I HAVE RED DIS K00L THINK OFF REAL MENN AND QUICH.
> SO WHY SHULD REEL MEN NOT EART QUICHE???//???///!!!!!!!11111111

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quiche is made from eggs.  Eggs come from chickens.  Chickens were weak
} animals.  A real man eats strong animals like horses, elephants, lions,
} and tigers.  He kills his food himself and eats it raw.
}
} There are very very few real men.  Most are kicked by horses, trampled
} by elephants, or mauled by lions and tigers.  Being a real man is very
} very hard and all men know it.  Since most men can't be real men, they
} make up something to look like real men.  Like, "Real men don't eat
} quiche."
}
} If you're a real man, you can eat quiche.  As long as you use ostrich
} eggs and the meat of a strong predator.


526-09    (19nf6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise, Most Wonderful, Most Most, are Omnipotence,
> Omniscience, and Omnipresence always coextant? Which do you enjoy the
> most? Which is most burdensome?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To answer this question, a visual reference is helpful.  Start a new
} page in your notebooks.  Now, draw a circle and label it "omnipotence."
} Very good.  Now, from last week's lesson (too bad for those of you who
} missed it), we know that to KNOW is not the same as to DO.  A simple
} proof can be derived from the existence of the Vice-Presidency.
}
} So, draw a second circle intersecting the first.  Label it
} "omniscience." Moving on, we further observe that there are two
} universal elements, hydrogen and stupidity, from which it is trivial to
} deduce that not all that is omnipresent is also omniscient.  So, draw
} your third circle intersecting the first two and label it
} "omnipresence."
}
} You will note by inspection that omnipotence, omniscience, and
} omnipresence are NOT always coextant, but they do overlap.  Crosshatch
} the intersection of the three circles and label it "The Oracle."
} [RUMBLE RUMBLE THUNDER] Er, and also "God."  [Sorry, boss.]  So much
} for the first part of your question.
}
} Now, of the three, omniscience is by far the most burdensome, because
} it means having to answer all of these bloody stupid questions.
} Omnipresence has its fun moments (consider applications with respect
} to, say, Vanna White's wardrobe), and omnipotence is certainly useful,
} but the most fun of all is one thing you left off your list of
} omni-things:
}
} Omnivorous.  (hungry look)
}
} You owe The Oracle a good recipe for Braised Supplicant with Oysters in
} Wine Sauce.  Yummy.


526-10    (aagf3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXY

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ... And, of course, Z. And we both know what Z stands for, don't we?
}
} <ZOT>


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