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Internet Oracularities #527

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527, 527-01, 527-02, 527-03, 527-04, 527-05, 527-06, 527-07, 527-08, 527-09, 527-10


Usenet Oracularities #527    (57 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 2 Feb 1993 10:17:19 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   527
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

527   57 votes 7cbgb 4djc9 5bdj9 aale2 3dhcc 5hjc4 49sb5 6nh74 29jha 2clg6
527   3.1 mean  3.2   3.2   3.3   2.8   3.3   2.9   3.1   2.6   3.4   3.2


527-01    (7cbgb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the wrong name of god?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Hey, you with the big ears!"


527-02    (4djc9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> % man ZOT

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ZOT(1)                    USER COMMANDS                     ZOT(1)
}
} NAME
}
} <ZOT> - Destroy stupid or unworthy supplicants, political enemies, and
}         other undesirables.
}
} SYNOPSIS
}
} zot [-] [-V {victim}] [-A] [-S] [-X {spared}] [-R {victim}]
}
} DESCRIPTION
}
} Zot is used as a tool of instantaneous agonizing punishment.  It causes
} the victim to, for a brief instant, experience the most incredible pain
} anyone can imagine and then vanish.
}
} OPTIONS
}
} -V indicates the victim of choice.  If -V is not used, the software
}       will autoselect and <ZOT> Thor.
}
} -A indicates Zot All.  This is an emergency measure that will <ZOT>
}       everybody within a two-mile radius.  The -A flag has never been
}       tested.
}
} -S causes zot to autoselect the Supplicant.  More about this later.
}
} -X indicates Except.  Like -A, this flag causes the <ZOT> ing of a
}       two-mile radius, but sparing chosen persons.  Unlike -A, -X HAS
}       been tested and works perfectly.
}
} -R indicates the dreaded Recursive <ZOT>  After <ZOT>ing the chosen
}       victim, zot then goes after the victim's family, starting with
}       siblings, then parents, and ultimately will not stop until 100
}       family members have been <ZOT>ed.
}
} WARNING
}
} Zot is a true UNIX abnormality - a one-user command.  The only user
} with access privileges high enough to use zot is The Usenet Oracle.
} Zot is self-protecting; through an incredibly advanced artificial
} intelligence program it identifies and <ZOT>s any would-be hackers who
} might try to use this poweful command.  So far, zot has had a perfect
} record; the only entity in the known and unknown universes who has ever
} wielded the power of the <ZOT> is the Great and Powerful Oracle (tm).
}
} You owe The Oracle an HP48SX with <ZOT> software and a NeXT interface
} cable.


527-03    (5bdj9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty, Splendid, and Orthographically Impeccable Oracle, this Most
> Unworthy Worm begs and answer to the question:
>
> Why do so many compugeeks mis-spell the word "weird?"
>
> (A more general form of the question: Why are so many people on USENET
> borderline illiterate?  I mean, if they can learn arcane languages like
> C, you'd think that English would be trivial in comparison.)
>
> In humble gratitude,
>
> S. Upplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is indeed so my humble humble supplicant. Your question indicates
} your obvious ignorance on the subjects of computational linguistics
} as well as linguistical computation.
} Anyone with a background in these fields is aware of the fact that
} English is ranked 27th in the list of the world's most complex
} languages. First in the list, naturally, is Old Low Norse, a
} predecessor of modern German. The language consists mainly of a series
} of grunting sounds which sound very much like someone trying to cough
} up phlem (that is Old Low Norse and not modern German which sounds
} more like a horse passing wind). It was spoken by ancient roving
} bands of rapists, arsonists, and thiefs (no relation to anyone in the
} US Congress). There are currently only two people in the world that
} will admit to being able to speak this language (except for me).
}
} The simplest language is F which is an extension of C. It has no
} vowels or consonants, no keywords, and its character set consists
} entirely of whitespace. It is often spoken and written by systems
} engineers and was originally used for documenting large C-programs on
} UNIX systems. It has however developed into a F-ull scale
} language. With the development of F++, overloading of the F-operators
} will be possible. This will lead to higly elegant programs.
} As an added bonus, programs written in F, do not need to be
} encrypted, and the compression rates are astounding. An example
} program is given below.
}
}
}
}
}
} Note that the statement in line 3 is not ANSI F compatible and may
} not compile on all F compilers.
}
} The bottom line is that English is much more difficult than C or F. If
} this was not so, how do you explain the lack of ANSI compilers for
} English. I can however report back from ISO 6.19 Working Group 12
} that the first draft release of pre-release specification for
} a strongly-typed form of English with inheritance and polymorphism
} should be made available in the next 19 to 27 years. The main
} stumbling block at the moment seems to be whether NULL-pointer is
} a noun or undefined.
}
} You owe the Oracle a proof of why a[2] == 2[a] in C


527-04    (aale2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> % -> {}

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} LISA!!!!!  It's that wierdo with the pseudocode again!  Get Igor in
} here, will you?  Thanks, Babe . . .
}
} Igor: "Ja, you vanting vords mit me, Boss?  Der chemical experiments
}       . . ."
}
} Orrie: "Forget about your chemical experiments.  I'm tired of amino
}       acid life form extensions.  I'm trying to decide what this oaf
}       REALLY means by > % -> {}."
}
} Igor: "Hmm.  Ist obviously ein call vrum der zubconscious.  Der
}       'greater than' zignifies der egomanical zelf-zenteredness. Und
}       der berzent zign . .
}
} Orrie: ". . . shows he thinks he's better than a sizeable percent of
}       the population!"
}
} Igor: "JA!! Und der minus zign zhows der psychotic vish to VREMOVE
}       der utters!!!"
}
} Orrie: "Jeeze . . . we're talking big time stuff here!  This is the
}       sort of supplicant who might crawl up in a bell tower with an
}       Uzi and start taking potshots at people."
}
} Igor: "Un higly dissturbed personality.  Der brackets indicate der vish
}       to enzircle und control der vorld."
}
} Orrie: "Hmm.  There's something else I just noticed."
}
} Igor: "I mished zomezing?"
}
} Orrie: "Der . . . dammit . . . the grovel."
}
} Igor: "Der grovel?  I zee no grovel."
}
} Orrie: "That's what I mean.  You know what I think?"
}
} Igor: "Ja.  For der good uf humanity . . . "
}
}           >>>>>>   **** ZOT ****     <<<<<<<


527-05    (3dhcc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo!  Oracle.   I be-seach yo bad sef to ans-er ma kestion.
>
> What be MTV?
>
> Peace.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <RAP MODE: ON:>
}
} You question the great Oracle but it's plain to see
} Your grovelling and syntax need more quality.
} You approach the font of wisdom which is most sublime,
} And you come before me naked, with not e'en a rhyme.
} Be warned, insubstantial one, next time speak as you ought,
} Or the Oracle will use you to refine his aim - *ZOT*
}
} Now onward to the matter much more substantive:
} MTV is where all the brain-damaged live;
} Where puppies ride on cycles and where humans kiss their guns,
} Where music sounds like noise and where the priests turn into nuns.
} "Peace" is was you said, but if it's peace you wanna see,
} The last place you should look for it is MTV.
} It's noisy and it's crazy, it's silly and it's crass,
} And for all the money spent it hasn't got much class.
} So get yourself on home, and just forget the MTV -
} Tune in on the radio - find the symphony!
}
} <RAP MODE: OFF>  (thanks be to me and all other great beings)


527-06    (5hjc4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> .....with depth and insight, that only you would know, inform my feeble
> mind why life is like a shovel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Many people would hand stupid platitudes to you as an answer to this
} joke...
}
} Because you've got to dig for your goal.
} Only through effort will you make it work.
}
} and other drivel.  But I, the one true oracle, will share true
} enlightenment upon the, humble supplicant:
}
} Life is like a shovel because its just a shaft until it gets flat
} at the end.
}
} You now must pay me 19.95$ so I may get myself a new Ron-co
} Salad-Shooter (tm).
}
} the Big O.


527-07    (49sb5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mycroft@gnu.ai.mit.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I grovel, grovel, grovel for an answer to this question:
>
> *grovel*
>
> Is it wrong to consider #2 pencils as food?
>
> --Anxiously awaiting your reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not unless you have dentures, in which case soft #4 pencils may be
} better for you.  The wooden shell is full of good fiber and the
} center is made of graphite-carbon--what better than carbon for a
} carbon-based life form?  The eraser is just a kind of gum, and the
} metal ring contains iron.  I usually snack on a few myself while
} I work at the terminal here.  Since you tickled my grovel-bone so
} nicely, I'll give you a recipe:
}
}                            CAKE ALA #2
} 6 #4 pencils, chopped and           A handful of multicolored erasers
}   marinated overnight in rum.       2 jiggers of rum.
} Shavings of 3 #2 pencils.           Your favorite cake mix.
}
} Follow the directions on the box of your mix, also add the chopped
} pencils, 1 jigger rum (to taste).  Bake.  Make the icing, add
} remaining rum, top the icing with shavings and erasers to add color.
} Note: some like to substitute mechanical pencils for wooden ones,
} but nutrition experts say that the wooden pencils are better for
} the digestion.
}
} You owe me a recipe for optic fiber muffins.


527-08    (6nh74 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most postmodern Oracle,
> If ignorance is bliss, what is omniscience?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's rather boring, to be honest with you.  Knowing everything ahead of
} time takes the fun out of life.  You mortal supplicants spend so many
} blissful hours anticipating your responses, wondering if they'll make
} the Oracularities, and that would all be lost if you knew that this
} submission will just barely make the next list, and get a slightly-
} above-average score in the voting tally.  See?  If it wasnt for the
} Super Bowl this Sunday, you'd have no uncertainty left to look
} forward to.  But since you did grovel, at least sort of, I won't
} spoil the game for you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a suprise.


527-09    (29jha dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If a car is traveling 50 miles per hour and a fly is stuck inside of the
> car knowing that a fly cannot travel 50 miles per hour will the fly hit
> the back window?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is rather an intriguing question, and one whose answer has eluded
} mankind for many centuries. It can be generalized to:
}
}   "If flying insect I is stationed inside moving vehicle V
}    of length L and volume Vo, moving at speed S, down a road R
}    with N police radar traps, and the fly's maximum speed is Imax,
}    what is the velocity Vsplat with which the fly will strike
}    the rear windshield?"
}
} While many scientists Sc have been working on this problem for
} Y years, they generally acquire a pissed-off quotient of P and
} a frustration factor F, and head off for a few beers B.
}
} The solution is yielded by Fonebone's Equation, which will be
} discovered by Dexter Fonebone in 2124, as you mortals measure
} time. Of course, I cannot reveal the Equation for fear of causing
} a time paradox. But I *can* tell you that it involves 23 terms,
} four integral signs, three summations, and a little squiggly mark
} where Fonebone doodled to get the ink flowing in his pen.
}
} You owe the Oracle a flyswatter and a radar detector.


527-10    (2clg6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jim@oasis.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O concupiscent oracle, please answer a question which has bothered me
> all my life.  Does the paper go over the roll or under?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Over.  See, if you hang it under, it's down there under the roll and
} you have to spin it around when you need some paper.  If you hang it
} over, on the other hand, your cats can get at it and drag it all over
} the place and generally have fun with it... and toilet paper is MUCH
} cheaper than new furniture, the preferred target of cats who can't get
} at toilet paper.
}
} You owe the Oracle some magazines to read on the john.


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