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Internet Oracularities #528

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Usenet Oracularities #528    (50 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1993 13:48:36 -0500

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   528
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

528   50 votes 7caba 4eda9 aoe20 05kj6 49ld3 18fk6 8bhc2 5efg0 3abh9 4bq63
528   3.0 mean  3.1   3.1   2.2   3.5   3.0   3.4   2.8   2.8   3.4   2.9


528-01    (7caba dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where is my dog Lassie???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <belch>


528-02    (4eda9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@shell.portal.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle,
> who is clad in silk and does not need buttons:
> Tell me, why there are buttons in three ways:
>       (:)
> and
>       (::)
> and
>       (.)
> (or so I am told from your description of Unitrea in Oracularities 524)
>
> but not
>       (.:)
> i.e., a triad of holes
> ???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once again, the Oracle is charmed by your naivete and is moved to
} answer this humble supplicant.
}
} Further downstream the Awash (Unitrea's one river), the river branches
} off into three and thence known as the Threewash, respectively the
} Awash, Bwash, and Cwash.  A tribe called the Abaci lives upon the three
} downstream shores in three towns: Abbe, Bede, and Chrisom.
}
} Some times the best way to answer a supplicant's question is through
} parable. I will tell you a story about the young girl whose name I
} omitted to mention in my earlier response, but now will relate is
} Solitaria.
}
} Solitaria's parents had warned her to stay away from the downriver
} tribe, but she was, as children often are, not the most dedicated
} obeyer of rules.  And while this was the One Rule she was to obey, it
} was the One Rule she broke. (Solitaria thus recapitulated her people's
} origin tale of when the first man and the first woman broke Allah's One
} Rule.)  This Oracle can hardly blame her, for one must get bored of
} playing solitaire from a deck with one card.
}
} Solitaria was fascinated by one thing above all others -- the monarch
} butterfly.  One day she was watching a monarch butterfly so intently
} that she did not realize she was wandering far from her one home.  She
} did not notice that single-leafed plants gradually became became
} sparser replaced by three-leafed plants.
}
} Solitaria gasped once when accosted thrice by three different children
} each saying, "Hi, hi, hi."  As if this were not jarring enough they all
} gave her a triple-gestured three-finger salute, then each introducing
} his own name and that of his brothers:
}
} "Hi, hi, hi, I am Abel; this is Boanerges and Christopher."
} "Hi, hi, hi, I am Boanerges; this is Abel and Christopher."
} "Hi, hi, hi, I am Christopher; this is Abel and Boanerges."
}
} They wore strange attire:  Three-piece suits with the three
} triple-holed buttons this humble supplicant was so incredulous as to
} doubt, three-strapped sandals, and thirdly, tricornered hats.  Each
} article of clothing was made of three different materials dyed three
} different colors.
}
} Their hair was parted thrice whereas Solitaria's hair was parted once.
} Whereas Solitaria's hair was woven to one purpose, each of the three
} strange boys' hairs was braided and carried three pruposes.  One strand
} held a triangle-shaped implement that triples as a pen, pencil, and
} high-lighter. Another strand held a religious trinket with three
} branches off its base. The third held a timepiece that delieated the
} day into three segments of of three smaller sub-segments of three even
} smaller sub-sub-segments each.
}
} Solitaria was most baffled, for in Unitrea, there is no concept of time
} -- they live at one moment.  Their bell-tower has one bell and rings
} out once. The Abaci have three times -- past, present, and future.
} They have three towers in each town each having three bells which ring
} out thrice three times daily.  Needless to say, Solitaria was
} unaccustomed to this din.
}
} When the Unitrean child accompanied the triplets to there home, she was
} amazed by the sights before her -- three-laned road allowing mounted
} triceratops' to go off in any of three directions.  Abaci engineers
} construct three-dimensional traffic flows, unlike the two-dimensional
} constructions prevalent upon earth or one-dimensional road in Unitrea.
} Of course traffic is no problem in Unitrea as there is only one
} unicycle and all roads lead to Unitrea.
}
} Solitaria marvelled at the three-story house the Abaci boys led her to.
} She did not know how they got there because she could not triangulate
} as she did, and thus was more than a bit worried.  To make matters
} worse she learned they did not recite the Daily Prayer ("There is but
} one God, God and Mohammed is his prophet.") but instead worshipped one
} God who took on three forms.
}
} Further, rather than using a single platform (UN*X) as they did in
} Unitrea, the Abaci used abacuses, DOS 3.3, and Modula-3.  Instead of
} monochrome monitors, they possessed trichrome trinitors -- three
} screens arranged in a triangle with pixels red, yellow, or blue.  It
} seemed hypocritical of the Abaci, to Solitaria, to call them primary
} colors when there were so many of them!
}
} The triplet's had three parents.  Solitaria did not understand how
} anyone could have three parents, but it was assured her that everyone
} in the Abaci had three parents.  When Solitaria asked how this was
} possible, the Abaci were quite surprised and remained silent.
} "Perhaps", thought Solitaria to herself, "they do not know and are too
} embarrassed to say.  I will let them be, for I would not want to anger
} such a strange people whom I was told not even to go near, oh my!"
}
} Seeing Solitaria's discomfort, the Abaci parents, who wore trifocals
} rather than the monacles she was used to seeing in Unitrea, decided to
} take Solitaria back to her home.  Solitaria enjoyed riding upon the
} triceratops, but decided preferred her own unicorn better and was
} thrilled to be back home.  Her parents were delighted to see her back
} and gave her one good scolding later.
}
} The triplets waved goodbye to her thrice and professed they wished to
} see her thrice more, yet Solitaria was single-mindedly determined that
} once was enough and that this was the one time she would disobey her
} One Rule.
}
} This time you owe the oracle three dollars as my answer was roughly
} three times as long and drawn out and covered three times as many
} topics.


528-03    (aoe20 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where does that one sock disappear to in the cloth dryer?  Is there
> some unimaginable force in the Universe controlling singlarity (or a
> phenomon (spelling?) of lonliness).
>
> I await your answer to my feable question. . . .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What an unusually insightful querent. The Oracle applauds your fearless
} use of mispelling as a vehicle to elucidate arcana. Indeed, the missing
} socks are instrumental in the acheivement of Lonliness. When Lon Chaney
} transformed on screen into the Werewolf, he acheived this by
} psychically influencing those socks to solve Schroedinger's equation in
} such a way as to materialize millimeters from his face and hands as a
} cloud of electrically charged lint, which instantly bonded to his
} exposed skin. Others have acheived lesser states of Lonliness in a
} similar fashion (cf. Michael J. Fox). Now you see that Bounce in-dryer
} fabric softener is actually an instance of an teratofugue (monster
} repellant), much like a wreath of garlic or a crucifix.
}
} You owe the Oracle a magic mushroom pizza with extra garlic.
}
} P.S. -  Lon Chaney, Jr. works as an independent contractor in Valdosta,
} Ga., holding master's licenses in plumbing, electrical, and carpentry,
} among other things. He is the happiest man on Earth.


528-04    (05kj6 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omniscient oracle who knows everything, and for whom no amount of
> grovelling could be enough.
>
> What numbers should I pick for the lottery ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd go for imaginary numbers, if I were you. They'll match your
} winnings, then.


528-05    (49ld3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Should I ask her? What if she says no?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This question has a number of possible responses.  Perhaps the easiest
} way to answer would be to divide the answer up into the possible cases.
}
} 1.  If "her" is Lisa:
}       a) If the question is "Will you go out with me?"
}               Don't bother asking, she'll say no.
}       b) If the question is "Is the Oracle everything everyone says?"
}               Don't bother asking, she'll say yes.
} 2.  If "her" is not Lisa:
}       a) If the question is "Will you go out with me?"
}               Ask her, she might say yes.
}       b) If the question is "Am I really that stupid?"
}               Don't ask, you might not want to find out.
}       c) If the question is "Did you sleep with my best friend?"
}               Ask, if she says no it's probably a good thing.
}       d) "Have you ever spoken to the angel Gabriel?"
}               Ask, see answer to case 2 c).
}       e) "Are you insane?"
}               See case 2 d).
}       f) "May I sacrifice a goat in your honour?"
}               Ask, it's a good way to break the ice and the responce
}               can tell you a lot about her.
}
} There are, of course, many other possible cases, but these are probably
} the most important.
}
} You owe the Oracle an update on your progress with her.


528-06    (18fk6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oracle, I beg you with infinite humility to illuminate for me the
>   importance of Indiana in Oracledom.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the beginning, there was the Void.  There was nothing but the Void,
} and the Void was nothingness.  And it was pretty boring.  So God said,
} "Let there be light", and there was Light.  And God looked at the
} Light, and it was good, and yet God still saw Void.  Because having
} nothing around but Light is still pretty boring, no?  And God played
} with the Light awhile, and he created the Light Switch, and switched
} the Light on and off for amusement, but this got boring pretty quick.
} So God created the Strobe Light, and then Dry Ice, and then House
} Music and Rap and Hip-Hop and Old Disco Songs That You Thought Died In
} 1978, and yet it was still as boring as the Void, because there were
} no dance clubs to show off all this neat stuff in.
}
} And so God created the Earth.  And God looked at the Earth, and He saw
} that it was good.  And yet God still saw that, among the deserts and
} the mountains and the sparkling blue seas and the amber waves of
} grain, there was still a Void.  And God put on his glasses and looked
} closer, and said, "Oh, my mistake. That's not a Void, that's just
} Indiana."  And God wondered what he could put in Indiana, to help fill
} the Void that was Indiana.
}
} And it came to pass that God and the Oracle were playing chess, and
} the Most Omniscient Oracle had just won his 2167th straight game, and
} wasn't being exactly humble about it either.  And this gave God an
} idea.  And God said, "Let there be Indiana University.  And let
} Indiana University be the Center of Oracledom, and let the Oracle
} reside at Indiana University, to spread wisdom through the world and
} answer the questions of dumb supplicants."  And so it was.  And
} Indiana was no longer a Void, but was illuminated with the infinite
} knowledge and wisdom of the Oracle.  And with the Oracle out of the
} way, God went on a 368,934,792-game winning streak at chess.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of just what the hell "Purple
} Mountains Majesty" means.


528-07    (8bhc2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH UTTERLY WISE AND OMNI-EVERYTHING oracle. PLEASE TELL thine HUMBLE
> AND TREMBLING SUPPLICANT, WHO IS UNWORTHY OF TRIMMING your
> MAGNIFICENT NOSTRIL HAIRS.
>
> WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THE WORD papekak. IT IS NOT LIST IN MY
> WEBSTER'S.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Papekak (p-ohp-kayk) n. (ML: paep(shift)+kak(lock) [more at pap
}    smear]) 1. the act of papekaking.  2. The sound made when one
}    papekakes 3. to define a word reciprocally (see also PAPEKAK )
}
} You owe the Oracle a 5 page report on who this Webster guy is anyway.


528-08    (5efg0 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most zippy Oracle, whose mind is so grand as to require its own zip
> code, please inform a humble supplicant:
>
>          How do they get that filling inside the Twinkies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah supplicant, I see that you do not know the true nature of twinkies.
} You see they are not made as such, they are segments of the digestive
} tract of the xanthan bird.  They are selectively omnivourous eating only
} sugary laden plants and the fat off of carion.  This gets whipped up
} into a frothy texture by the action of the digestive system.  To make
} twinkies you kill the xanthan bird after it has eaten and extract the
} stomach, throat & intestines and cut to length.  This operation is a bit
} difficult and sometimes the animal's gums get cut off as well.  This is
} where the xanthan gum on the ingredients list comes from.
}
} Glad to help.
}
} You owe the Oracle a balanced meal.


528-09    (3abh9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What should I thing about terminal who has writing on DONATED BY AT&T ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle thing terminal good.  Thing good as can be for terminal.  Free
} termial good.  Free workstation better.
}
} Supplicant no grovel.  Stupid think.  Bash with rock.
}
} You owe the Oracle a grammer checker that runs on an AT&T machine.


528-10    (4bq63 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O hygenic Oracle, possessor of the planetary supply of PhisoHex, one
> who only grudgingly concedes the validity of the Germ Theory asks:
> briefly describe Klingon sexual transmitted diseases, along with
> recommended therapies for each.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is only one Klingon sexually transmitted disease.  It causes
} the normally human-appearing Klingons to develop male pattern
} baldness (even the females), after which large, unsightly lumps
} develop on the forehead.  There is no cure, although severe
} halitosis will stem the symptoms, which is why you never see a
} Klingon brushing their teeth.
}
} The Klingons don't worry about it much, given that one's chances of
} surviving a sexual encounter on Kling are pretty slim in general
} anyway.
}
} You owe the Oracle one of those Klingon condoms with the spikes and
} chains on it.


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