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Internet Oracularities #529

Goto:
529, 529-01, 529-02, 529-03, 529-04, 529-05, 529-06, 529-07, 529-08, 529-09, 529-10


Usenet Oracularities #529    (47 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 6 Feb 1993 08:47:05 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   529
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

529   47 votes 9n663 37ld3 jl700 3dj84 6aia3 7bi83 al952 35ge9 55fac 9dh62
529   2.8 mean  2.4   3.1   1.7   2.9   2.9   2.8   2.3   3.4   3.4   2.6


529-01    (9n663 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> % man woodchuck

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 0% of men are woodchucks.
}
} You might be the first, however, asking such a foolish question without
} so much as the most perfunctory grovel.
}
} You owe the Oracle a reasonable UN*X command, a grovel, AND an apology.


529-02    (37ld3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it so windy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you are falling towards the earth at a speed of around
} 200 meters/second, and your speed is increasing.  Don't worry
} though.  You are just over 400 meters away from the ground,
} so the wind should be stopping in about two seconds or so.
}
} You owe the Oracle a parachuting lesson.


529-03    (jl700 dist, 1.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of the umpteenth power, who is worthy of eating the green cheese
> on the moon, please tell me
>
> When my ship comes in which will it resemble most,a yacht or a garbage
> scowl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because of you were cloned from Alexander Magnus' cells scraped off his
} sword's hilt, it will resemble most a ship in a bottle.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fistful of Yen.


529-04    (3dj84 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pleaze, Mr Oracle!
>
> Enlighten me, what are the Saint ates which are united in America?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the middle part of the fourteenth century, in France, an extremely
} pious bricklayer by the name of Jacques Ate had a heavenly vision. The
} Virgin Mary appeared to him and instructed him to build roads
} connecting all parts of France with the site of the Cathedral du Notre
} Dame in Paris. He genuflected humbly, and said: "But Holy Lady, I am
} but one man..." She replied, "As you build each road, I will send you
} help."
}
} And so, Jacques began his life's work, building the monstrous network
} of roads that came to bear his name: the Vie Ates. Furthermore, the
} words of the Lady rang true; in each town or village his roads
} encoutered, he found men and boys who were willing to help him. His
} faith and piety were such that they shone around him, and changed them
} irrevocably -- to the point that they all soon resembled him in face
} and figure.
}
} When their work was done, they gathered at Paris, where the Archbishop
} came and blessed their work. Turning to Jacques, he said: "Well, my
} son, you have labored hard these many years, and fulfilled the Holy
} Lady's instructions. What will you do now?"
}
} And with one voice, Jacques and his followers turned their faces to the
} heavens and thundered: "WE'RE GOING TO DISNEYWORLD!"
}
} And the sun shone upon them, and they were blessed.
}
} Here endeth the lesson.
}
} You owe the Oracle a catechism, and a glass of orange juice.


529-05    (6aia3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oH, mOst iNdifferent oRacle, wHose oNly cOncern dUring tHe eNd oF tHe
> uNiverse wOuld bE tHat hE nEeds dArker sHades, wHose wArdrobe iS mOst
> sPiffy iN a eXtremely tUbular sOrt oF wAy, wHo nOt oNly kNew tHe aNswer
> tO lIfe tHe uNiverse, aNd eVerything bEfore tHe aBacus wAs iNvented,
> bUt kNew tHe qUestion, aNd kNew tHat iT wAs tHe wRong qUestion tO bEgin
> wIth, i hUmbly cRawl fOrward tO bEg oF yOu aN aNswer tO mY mOst
> iNsignificant qUestion.
>
> wHo iS tHis gOd pErson aNyways?
>
> _/|/|

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear SeEkEr:
}
} While it is noble of you to so abase yourself before me, this Oracle
} certainly hopes you do not seriously believe your question to be an
} insignificant one. Men have been asking themselves this question since
} time immemorial. Your Oracle interface either has a lot of static or
} you were bored when you asked this question.  We both know which one it
} was.  The former, of course. (The questions do not always flow through
} the keyboard.)  *Wink*
}
} Luckily I am on pretty good terms with the Big Man, Himself.  (After
} the Plunking Me in Indiana Incident, we managed to patch things up,
} being the only two Omniscient Beings upon the planet, we can relate
} better to one another than most.)
}
} A few things I can tell you about the Dude.
}
} --He is bigger than you, badder than you, and knows more.  He can lick
}     you in any contest.
} --He has a really dark streak to Him.  Although he is Omniscient, He
}     goes into giggle fits over Jerry Lewis' antics, which just goes to
}     show there are some Divine Mysteries not even I can fathom.
} --He loves you.  I do too.  When you know everything, it is a tough
}     sentiment to avoid.  Being Omnipotent gives you another unusual
}     perspective in that, yes indeed, both Me and Him seek to outdo the
}     other in terms of darkness of shades come judgment day.  You cannot
}     feel the love we feel for you, since you are doomed to die.
} --He is a sexist.  That is why He gave men those ridiculous looking
}     things in the middle of their bellies.  (Though I am rather fond of
}     my own.)  He does expect you, however, to keep it sheathed at all
}     times save when proper.  (If you don't know when that is, read His
}     Book on etiquette. Both JPS and Oxford University publish reasonable
}     translations.)
} --He doesn't play by the Rules.  No getting around it.  He made evil.
}     Bosnia couldn't occur without His tacit nod.  Power is morality,
}     though, so don't call Him a hypocrite.  You're liable to get that
}     Big Zot when you die.
} --He drives a Corvette.  God loves America.
} --He speaks in a French accent.  He is an absolute corndog, you
}     realize?
} --He can have any of your womanfolk He pleases.  (Divinity hath Its
}     privileges.  *Sly grin*)
} --He lives incognito in a Honduran condo.  You'll never pick Him out,
}     since His disguise is Perfect.  You might spot His next door
}     neighbor, Saint Pete, though, who wears a fake mustache and a
}     hairweave.
} --He does not like Broccoli.  I do.  Go figure.
}
} That's a pretty good broad picture of the Dude.  If you want any more
} specifics either ask me, consult the Good Book, consult a Hare Krishna,
} or take a look at the newspaper headlines.  He is Omni-presnt, so it
} doesn't much matter where you look, if you have eyes to see.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new lens prescription.


529-06    (7bi83 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, whose IQ, if written down on paper, would weigh more
> than a pound of feathers,
>
> I am translating the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam to AmerEnglish,
> for the benefit of the modern reader.
>
> Where Fitzgerald's Fifth Edition has:
>
>       The moving finger writes, and having writ,
>       moves on. Not all your piety nor wit
>       can lure it back to cancel half a line,
>       nor all your tears wash out a word of it
>
> my Modern Edition has:
>
>       God's keyboard got no BackSpace.
>
> Leaving aside for the moment all questions of poetic merit,
> I ask you, great Oracle, to please inform this unworthy mortal
> whether it is in fact true that God's keyboard got no BackSpace.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} IT's true, LaFOU. Life has no rehearsals and in heaven there's no
} <Return>...


529-07    (al952 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise who is wiser even than the most wise Oracle,
> in a recursive sort of a way, please tell the humble supplicant
>
> If Indiana wants me so badly, why can't I go back there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'Hm,' thinks the Oracle. 'Thinks he can shortcut on his songs of praise
} with this recursion bullshit, does he? Must be a first-year CS student.
} They think recursion solves everything.'
}
} Lisa leans over and looks at the display. "Honestly, Orrie, you really
} should clean this thing occasionally. It's _still_ got honey all over
} it. And is that a question or a mustard smear?"
}
} The Oracle sighs. "I should make the supplicant look like a mustard
} smear... or... hm. Maybe..."
}
} <suddenly the supplicant, who has been sitting in front of the terminal
} reading huge volumes of mail, stands dizzily. "What...?" The room
} shakes around him and then fades away. He reappears in the door of a
} small restaurant/convenient store/video rental/tanning salon outside of
} Indianapolis, near the interstate coming north from Louisville>
}
} <"Wh... where am I?">
}
} <The sales clerk looks at the unkept young person dubiously. "May I
} help you? Would you like a Pop Tart?">
}
} <The supplicant looks away in horror and stumbles outside, feet
} scattering gravel from the parking lot.. He is surrounded by interstate
} and corn. Unending fields of corn. In the distance, a chair is thrown.
} Suddenly a police car peels up to him, and a deputy which looks
} remarkably like Barney Fife steps out, pistol drawn. "Freeze! You're
} under arrest!"
}
} <The supplicants screams. "But why?" The deputy laughs. "In Indiana, we
} don't ferget perverts like you. In fact, I think I'll just save the
} judge some time and shoot y'all right here." As the lawman opens fire,
} the supplicant turns to run...>
}
} ...and reappears in front of his terminal, gasping and sweating. A
} voice thunders through the air, appearing as if from everywhere.
} "BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT AS STUPID AS ROBERT IRSAY, YOU MORON!"
}
} You owe the Oracle a full-colour glossy photo of Marge Schott doing the
} nasty with George Steinbrenner and four shaved poodles in Times Sq...
} hell, anywhere. It's a repulsive thought anyway and I'm in a generous
} mood.


529-08    (35ge9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@shell.portal.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty Oracle, whose omicience knows no theoretical
> limits, this unworthy supplicant begs that you have mercy on my
> tortured soul and relieve me of the burden of this question that has
> kept my process stuck in a busy-wait state for days...
>
> It was written within the .signature of one somewhat wiser than my
> lowly self that :
>
>    "In theory, there is no difference between theory and
>     practice, but in practice there is."
>
> But I wonder why this is so?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In theory the difference between practice and theory is due to
} practical considerations that theorists find it impractical to fit into
} their theories.
}
} In practice, theory uses the practice of theorising about practical
} matters, while not noticing that the theoretical method practically
} distorts the theory beyond application to practice.
}
} Theoretically then the practical facts are that the theory is in
} practice good for predicting what happens in theory, but impractical as
} a theory with direct implications for practice, except where theory
} states that the practice is sufficiently close to the theory to make
} any difference for all practical purposes theoreticaly zero.
}
} In practice this does not happen very often.
}
} You may go, supplicant.


529-09    (55fac dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@shell.portal.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Don't crush that dwarf!  Hand me the pliers!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Goodman Feeblebrook, the 7th level Mage, removes the +5 Holy Pliers
} of St. Christopher from the protective box with awe and reverence.
} Wordlessly, he hands the artifact to Artemis Strongarm, the 9th level
} Ranger.
}    "Hurry up!" shouts the Dwarf, Gimli Oakenleg, the party's 6th level
} Fighter/Thief.  His voice is muffled, due to the fact that his head is
} currently being crushed between two rocks that are part of a pressure-
} plate trap the Dwarf had been attempting to disarm.
}    "Okay," snaps Artemis.  "I've never done this before, you know..."
}    "Just clamp those things over the release nut and turn it counter-
} clockwise," the Dwarf returns.  "And do it QUICKLY!"
}    "Right."  Artemis clamps the pliers down on the nut and pushes on
} the artifact with all of his 18(56) strength.  Somewhere in the
} distance, the sound of a plastic dodecahedron can be heard.  With a
} loud grunt, the Ranger successfully turns the screw through one-and-a-
} half rotations.
}    "YOU DID IT!" exclaims Feeblebrook.  "Boy Gimli, I'll bet you have
} a headache the size of-- uh oh."  Feeblebrook's premature celebration
} is cut short by the sight that greets him when he turns to greet his
} Dwarven companion.  "Oh, YUCK!  I guess we should have remembered that
} clocks run the other way in the Dwarven Lands..."
}    Artemis grimly examines the remains of the Fighter/Thief, then
} calmly turns to address the audience.  "Is there a Cleric in the
} house?"
}
} You owe the Oracle 500 gold pieces and a Ring of Water Breathing.


529-10    (9dh62 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       why do the buttons on the cuffs
>       of my shirt always come off no matter how tight I sew
>       them on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Keep your hands out of the paper-shredder from now on, and they'll be
} fine.


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