} Dear SeEkEr:
} While it is noble of you to so abase yourself before me, this Oracle
} certainly hopes you do not seriously believe your question to be an
} insignificant one. Men have been asking themselves this question since
} time immemorial. Your Oracle interface either has a lot of static or
} you were bored when you asked this question. We both know which one it
} was. The former, of course. (The questions do not always flow through
} the keyboard.) *Wink*
} Luckily I am on pretty good terms with the Big Man, Himself. (After
} the Plunking Me in Indiana Incident, we managed to patch things up,
} being the only two Omniscient Beings upon the planet, we can relate
} better to one another than most.)
} A few things I can tell you about the Dude.
} --He is bigger than you, badder than you, and knows more. He can lick
} you in any contest.
} --He has a really dark streak to Him. Although he is Omniscient, He
} goes into giggle fits over Jerry Lewis' antics, which just goes to
} show there are some Divine Mysteries not even I can fathom.
} --He loves you. I do too. When you know everything, it is a tough
} sentiment to avoid. Being Omnipotent gives you another unusual
} perspective in that, yes indeed, both Me and Him seek to outdo the
} other in terms of darkness of shades come judgment day. You cannot
} feel the love we feel for you, since you are doomed to die.
} --He is a sexist. That is why He gave men those ridiculous looking
} things in the middle of their bellies. (Though I am rather fond of
} my own.) He does expect you, however, to keep it sheathed at all
} times save when proper. (If you don't know when that is, read His
} Book on etiquette. Both JPS and Oxford University publish reasonable
} --He doesn't play by the Rules. No getting around it. He made evil.
} Bosnia couldn't occur without His tacit nod. Power is morality,
} though, so don't call Him a hypocrite. You're liable to get that
} Big Zot when you die.
} --He drives a Corvette. God loves America.
} --He speaks in a French accent. He is an absolute corndog, you
} --He can have any of your womanfolk He pleases. (Divinity hath Its
} privileges. *Sly grin*)
} --He lives incognito in a Honduran condo. You'll never pick Him out,
} since His disguise is Perfect. You might spot His next door
} neighbor, Saint Pete, though, who wears a fake mustache and a
} --He does not like Broccoli. I do. Go figure.
} That's a pretty good broad picture of the Dude. If you want any more
} specifics either ask me, consult the Good Book, consult a Hare Krishna,
} or take a look at the newspaper headlines. He is Omni-presnt, so it
} doesn't much matter where you look, if you have eyes to see.
} You owe the Oracle a new lens prescription.