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Internet Oracularities #53

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Usenet Oracularities #53
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 11 Nov 89 22:18:13 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to:
       oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu


53-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Tell me oh great, wise master of all knowledge:
>   What happens to all the pens that disappear in my daily travels?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A few fall by the path -- the Oracle is forever picking them up along
} sidewalks and in the gutters of streets and consequently has bought none
} in years.  Others are capable of locomotion, being in fact living
} organisms that mimic everyday objects such as pens, pencils, rubber
} bands, paper clips, and the like.  The mimicry is so perfect that one
} never suspects a thing (unless one is the Oracle) -- the creatures even
} secrete ink or graphite when necessary to maintain the pretense.
}
} A researcher at a Major Midwestern University has captured some of these
} mimic-creatures and, through breeding, diet, and training, is making
} them impersonate attractive young secretaries.  He expects to be able to
} sell them as pets to lonely engineers, once he solves a few little
} problems, such as how to force them to keep secretarial form for at
} least a few days.  In his test trials, graduate students each received a
} mimic-creature, impersonating a pretty secretary in a revealing little
} dress, and trained to snuggle against the student and make sweet
} murmuring sounds.  Within a day, every mock-secretary had changed form,
} and the unfortunate students were left with false filing-cabinets,
} deskside workstation boxes, trash cans, and the like, smeared with a bit
} of makeup, wrapped in the remains of sexy dresses, and following them
} around and snuggling up to them, making murmuring noises and smelling of
} sweet perfume.  Most disconcerting when one is trying to work.


53-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that some people in rec.humor are so hostle about your
> postings?  Are they afraid of the wisdom you possess, or are they just
> jealous?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Neither, actually.  They are very serious no-Fundamentalists, who
} believe that Truth and Humor are total opposites.  (They are wrong:
} look at the world.) They fear me, because I am a symbol and an exponent
} of the unity of Truth and Humor.
}
} You owe the Oracle an ocelot and a kitchen timer.


53-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who's this "Lisa" person who keeps following me around?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Lisa person who keeps following you around is named Lisa Lisa
} Anna-lisa Di Lisa-lisa-lisa Opal-Lisa No More Da Fucking
} Lisa-Lisa-Lisa-Lisa.  She is a lawyer from Pteranodon, Xymodont,
} Triceratops, and Weasel, specializing in suing the pants off of random
} computer nerds.  Her typical strategy is to be mistaken for Lisa the
} net.sex.goddess (which is quite easy, because they are frequently the
} same person), and get their pants off by obvious methods.  However, if
} you are chaste or gay or something like that, she has other methods.
} Once she suspended one nerd over a pit of moths, and watched and
} laughted fiendishly as they gnawed his pants off.  Another time she
} strapped a nerd to the table, and with a small, sharp scalpel she
} slowly, slowly *dissected* his pants to shreds.
}
} You should immediately start to climb over buildings, hijack taxies, and
} otherwise behave like a character in a chase scene of an adventure
} movie, or else your pants are doomed.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of Levis, 34 x 32.


53-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A friend asks:  why do we pay $20,000 to work our butts off?
> (that's verbatim).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An enemy replies:  "It's not nearly enough!"
}
} A surrealist replies:  "The stir-fried threepenny nails!  Can they help
} me twice?"
}
} A politician replies:  "It is very important that we maintain the
} ultimate objectives clearly in mind, while at the same time
} nonwithstanding continuing to remember the intended payoff at the end,
} and the preservation for future generations of all the things we hold
} dear, especially the flag which you can see that I am wearing as
} underwear because I do not wish to ever be parted from its sacred
} folds."
}
} You owe the oracle a large cheeseburger, with flags.


53-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why the heck did Dan Quayle just piddle all over my nice new couch??
> I'm not having him over to dinner again, that's for sure!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dan Quayle's medical reports show that he has a urinary bladder
} dysfunction.  It dysfunctions whenever he eats something that reminds
} him of excreta, particularly of the human variety.  The fact that he
} urinated on your couch signifies that he had some traumatic experience
} on a couch in his childhood, and his subconscious is trying to conquer
} the fear he experiences whenever he perceives a couch.
}         IF YOU DON'T WANT HIM URINATING ALL OVER YOUR COUCH, SEAT HIM AT
} YOUR DINING TABLE.  IF YOU DON'T WANT HIM URINATING AT ALL, DON'T SERVE
} HIM ANYTHING COOKED BY YOU.


53-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I meet the woman of my dreams?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look through all the articles in your news spool directory, & take out
} all the names of females who have posted (you have to make a script to
} do this yourself).  Mail to all of them (not a mailing list - that's too
} gauche) the following note:
}
}
} hey-baby-hey-baby-hey-baby HEY!  {put your name, address,tel.  number, &
} experience here}
}
}
} Odds are that you will get a response from someone who is the woman of
} your dreams [hopefully before you loose your USENET and email access].
}
} In other words, you can meet the woman of your dreams in USENET, but
} you'll have to tell me which newsgroup.
}
} You owe the Oracle the email address of a great blond, preferably from
} North America.


53-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why aren't men and women created equal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To give them something to do in their spare time.
}
} I know what you're thinking, but don't be misled.  Humans spend a small
} amount of time engaged in sex, and an inordinate amount of time
} wondering about it, worrying about it, reading about it, watching it on
} television and in films, and participating in various activities to
} sublimate the desire for it.  Given that the average human male lasts
} less than three minutes after penetration has taken place, the ratio of
} time spent thinking about sex to the amount of time spent engaged in sex
} is greater than 500 to 1.  If sex did not occupy the human mind, then
} hate, paranoia, and the solutions to most of the world's problems would
} certainly settle in.
}
} You owe the Oracle one pornographic magazine and one condom.


53-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When is the end of the world, any signs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's hard to believe that no human has guessed the signs of the
} apocalypse, considering the huge amount of time and energy spent
} considering the prospect.  The end of the world will occur when
} literally hundreds of humans construct and detonate their own nuclear
} warheads in a vain attempt to rid themselves of the tremendous, mind-
} numbing boredom that has pervaded their lives.  The signs that precede
} this:
}
} -- Popular comedy television shows will cease to be funny and will
}    start moralizing about any random social problem.
}
} -- Tens of thousands of people will file into stadiums and arenas to
}    watch men over 50 years of age perform "rock and roll".
}
} -- Most governments of the world will outlaw recreational drugs and
}    start simplistic, dogmatic propaganda campaigns to support their
}    position.
}
} -- Most posts in rec.humor will not be humorous in nature, but will
}    instead contain flames and unreasonable complaints about the Oracle.
}    Similarly, most posts in alt.sex will not speak of sex, but in lieu
}    of complaints about the Oracle, there will be posts of awe-filled
}    wonder concerning the big O's powers and abilities.


53-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have stumbled, or was it pushed?, upon the great Oracle of the
> Midwest.  Being from New York City, I have great doubt that Oracles
> could actually live in the Midwest, especially when they are called
> Hoosiers!  So, tell me, oh Great and Wise One, those to whom no others
> can compare, what might be the source of your great and mighty powers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Power of the Oracular variety is actually _dimmed_ by proximity to big
} centers of population -- all those Little Minds causing interference.
} Indiana and Illinois are actually not deserted enough for the
} incarnations of the Oracle to be at their peak of performance, but you
} can hardly expect them to give up _all_ the delights of civilization and
} more to (say) Montana or North Dakota.  (Note that the Keeper of the
} Oracle is in fact from North Dakota -- need the Oracle explain
} further?).


53-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh mystic Oracle, I ask thee a humble question:
>   1: Why didn't anyone think to shoot Wonder Woman in some part of her
>      body where she couldn't block them with her bracelets (like her
>      back)?
>   2: Why didn't anyone think to shoot Robocop in the face?
>   3: Why doesn't anyone think to shoot the people who are in charge of
>      all the Nintendo hype and promotion?
>   4: Why am I so obsessed with shooting?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, you ask me four arrogant questions, but no matter.
}
}    > 1:  Why didn't anyone think to shoot Wonder Woman in some part of
}    > her body where she couldn't block them with her bracelets (like
}    > her back)?
}
} You have not grasped the true essence of Wonder Woman's strategy.  She
} pays villains a good deal to only shoot at her wrists.  DC superheroes
} do this a lot, I might add.  Superman pays people incredible amounts to
} only use ping-pong ball pistols when he's around.  The only honest one
} of the lot is (you guessed it) Blue Beetle, who doesn't have enough
} money for that kind of crap.  If this sort of thing bothers you, I
} recommend that you stick to Marvel superheroes, who are generally quite
} honest.
}
}    > 2:  Why didn't anyone think to shoot Robocop in the face?
}
} They did.  He just laughed.  He's got this huge retractible mask of
} high-impact clear plastic over his head.
}
}    > 3:  Why doesn't anyone think to shoot the people who are in charge
}    > of all the Nintendo hype and promotion?
}
} You are confusing fiction and reality.  The people in charge of Nintendo
} advertising are *not real people*.  Nobody has thought of shooting them
} because it was not convenient for the script-writers to have them shot.
} That's all.
}
}    > 4:  Why am I so obsessed with shooting?
}
} You were George Washington in a previous life.  All your life, you
} yearned dreadfully to study Cello at McDonald's Institute of Burgers,
} but an almost infinite sea of forces prevented you.  First, your father
} refused to pay for it.  Then you got tangled in politics, and were sent
} into the army for most of a decade.  When you got out of the army, they
} caught you in politics again, and no matter how many clandestine affairs
} you had they just *would not* let you go.  Finally, after eight years,
} you caused such disruption in the country that they let you resign, with
} an immense pension.  Finally, finally, the cello lessons!
}
} But then you learned that McDonald's Institute of Burgers wouldn't open
} for a century and a half, and even when it did you couldn't study cello
} there, so you decided that your whole life had been wasted, and you shot
} yourself.  You have been obsessed with guns in every subsequent
} incarnation.
}
} You owe the Oracle carp.  Huge heap carp.  ugh.


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