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Internet Oracularities #530

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530, 530-01, 530-02, 530-03, 530-04, 530-05, 530-06, 530-07, 530-08, 530-09, 530-10


Usenet Oracularities #530    (43 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1993 12:23:11 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   530
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

530   43 votes 89e93 1gh81 4eh71 274ge 9ae91 06j99 2eg74 6ii10 2d7c9 2bm62
530   3.0 mean  2.8   2.8   2.7   3.8   2.6   3.5   2.9   2.3   3.3   2.9


530-01    (89e93 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Usenet Oracle is pondering your question.
>
> Expect an answer in a day or two.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Scene: an animated version of a basketball court.  A tall, lanky
}  figure resembling a certain rabbit appear hunched over a terminal at
}  courtside. Suddenly, a <BAMF> occurs and standing behind the rabbit is
}  The Oracle.]
}
}  Oracle: Just what do you think you're doing?
}
}  BB: Don't give me that.  You're omniscient.  You know exactly what I'm
}      doing.
}
}  O: Fine, be that way.  I'm annoyed at you for stealing my lines.
}
}  BB: What lines?
}
}  O: "The Usenet Oracle is pondering your question.  Expect an answer
}      in a day or two."
}
}  BB: That's not your line.
}
}  O: Is too.
}
}  BB: Is not.
}
}  O: Is too.
}
}  BB: Bet you have nothing better to do at the moment than yell at a
}      poor, defenseless bunny rabbit.
}
}  O: Do not.
}
}  BB: Do too.
}
}  O: Do not.
}
}  BB: Do not.
}
}  O: Do too.
}
}  BB: Do not.
}
}  O: Do too.
}
}  BB: Do not.
}
}  O: For the last time, *I DO SO HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO!!!*
}
}  BB: Well, while don't you just go and take care of them, then.
}
}  O: (confused) Well, uh, ... ok.
}
}  [In a large <BAMF>, The Oracle disappears.]
}
}  BB: Ok, Michael, you can come out now.
}
}  Mr. Jordan: Great. Can we get back to our one-on-one game now?
}
}  BB: Only if you spot me 10 points like last time.
}
}  MJ: You're on.


530-02    (1gh81 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> % finger oracle@cs.indiana.edu

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Login name: oracle                      In real life: The Usenet Oracle
} Directory: /                            Shell: /bin/osh
} On since The Beginning of Time on ttyall
} Project: The enlightenment of Nixheads near and far, against impossible
}          odds.
} Plan:
}     To slowly convince these mortals that English (or French, or local
} substitute) is a MUCH better means of communication, and supplication,
} than csh. And more importantly, much *MUCH* better for grovelling.
}     To Zot those supplicants who remain unconvinced.
}     You owe the Oracle a finger in return. That index one should do
} nicely.


530-03    (4eh71 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr. Oracle,
>
>         Our records show that you are delinquent on your payments for
> the Lifesize Lisa Pleasure Doll, Deluxe Model (with all attachments).
> You have not payed your monthly fee for 3 payment periods running.
> You still owe $8923.34 on the Doll, plus interest.
>
>         If we do not receive the three months back payment within the
> next 72 hours, we will slash your credit rating, and then send our
> Collection Man over to take the Doll and anything else in your house
> that he takes a liking to.  His name is Guido, and you'll recognize
> him by the fact that he has no nose.
>
>         Thank you for your time.
>
>                         Sincerely,
>
>                         Ricky "Fingers" Spazinni
>                         Immortal Collection Agency
>
>                         ("We'll get your money even if the person is
>                         dead.")

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Damn.  You had to expose Me, didn't you ?  Well, it looks the
} Oracle will finally have to explain that he isn't the rampant
} sex demon everyone thinks He is.  The fact is, I am really a
} short geeky looking god with buck teeth and big flappy ears.  I
} watch a lot of Star Trek, read Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett,
} and spend the rest of my time sitting at a terminal reading news
} and answering questions from all you highly deluded netters.
} I have a four-figure IQ,  but about as much sex appeal as Rick
} Moranis with a severe flatulence problem.  Like all nerds, I
} specialise in really awful chat up lines which get me flat
} refusals every time, for instance:
}
} Oracle : How much does a Polar Bear weigh ?
} Girl   : [looking embarassed at talking to such a dweeb] Er,
}          about four hundred pounds ?
} Oracle : Well, that's broken the ice!  Can I buy you a drink ?
} Girl   : Eek! [walks away quickly]
}
} So, you see, I purchased a blow-up doll from Spazinni, hoping to
} have a successful date at last.  Guess what happens ?  The doll
} slaps me and runs away when I try to whisper sweet nothings in
} its ear.  It's hardly any wonder I haven't payed, is it ?
} Anyway, Spazinni, when I catch the doll I'll dismantle it and
} mail it back to you.  By the way, any supplicants out there who
} want to swap a thirty-pound brain for a decent looking body,
} let me know.
}
} From the Oracle, a frood who really knows where his towel is.
} [ Prolonged inverted-type nerd laughter ]


530-04    (274ge dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: jim@oasis.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, whose IQ,
>       if recorded in digital form, would fill a DASD farm,
>       if carved in stone, would be too heavy for God to lift,
>       if inscribed on parchment, would make sheep extinct,
>       if printed in individual atoms, would outweigh a pound of lead,
>       if written in rainbows, would outshine the Sun,
> Wise Oracle, so wise
>       that Solomon, despairing, cut himself in half,
>       that Einstein, comparing, said wisdom was relative,
>       that Freud, analyzing, unconsciously cut it off,
>       that Marx, synthesizing, disparaged wisdom as bourgeois,
> Ancient Oracle, who once
>       taught Alexander to untie knots,
>       showed Archimedes how to fill a bathtub,
>       helped Pythagoras with his geometry homework,
> Knowing Oracle, who knows exactly
>       how many grains of sand comprise the beach this instant,
>       what a boojum snark looks like,
> Great Oracle, whose pedal extremeties,
>       if they ever deigned to touch the ground,
>               would never land in dog stuff,
>
> This supplicant,
>       whose feet stink like frog farts,
>       whose ignorance is so undeserving of your knowledge,
>       whose inexperience tries the patience of your anciency,
>       whose foolishness is so unworthy of your wisdom,
>       and whose IQ is but a cipher to your endless stream of digits,
> abases himself in Your presence.
>
> Were my IQ a drop, Yours would be an Ocean!
> If my wisdom were a pebble, Yours would be the Rockies!
> My flame is but a candle, Yours the eternal Sun!
> All I know worth knowing, is that You know so much more!
> Were I to step into Your shoes, they'd still be all but empty!
>
> <<<< SPEAK, O SUPPLICANT. >>>>
>
> Yes, Oracle, I speak!
> And what a proud day it is for me that such Great and Wondrous Ears
> as Yours should hearken to my words;
> for I, a mere unworthy humble mortal, merely having the chance to
> address such a Being of higher dimension is in and of itself an honor,
> leaving aside all the enlightenment that is bound to come from Your
> effulgent Answer.
>
> Yes, Oracle, I have seen what an Answer can mean,
> how it can change a life and make it ever after better,
> how it can light the way to Truth, and
>
> <<<< ASK YOUR QUESTION, SUPPLICANT. >>>>
>
> [My Question. Dare I? No.]
> Yes, Oracle, Great Oracle, Wise Oracle, Potent Oracle,
> Wealthy Oracle, Splendid Oracle,
>
> <<<< YOU HAVE GROVELED ENOUGH. >>>>
>
> [I'm not so sure.]
>
> <<<< WHAT? >>>>
>
> I mean, O great Oracle, that You deserve much more,
> much more groveling than I can hope
>
> <<<< ASK THE DAMNED QUESTION!! >>>
>
> [Oh.]
> Great Oracle, the Question that I have to ask,
> in hopes it will be kindly met by the Mighty Usenet Oracle,
> not meaning in any way to offend or upset You,
> in the sincerest quest for sorely needed lore,
>
> <<<< ASK IT *NOW*! OR ELSE. >>>>
>
> [Gulp. Okay, here goes nothing:]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Will you marry me ?
}
} [ A moment of deathly silence passes. ]
}
} <<< WHAT ?! >>>
}
} Will, you er.. marry me ?
}
} <<< HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?  OF ALL THE IMPERTINENT ->>>
}
} [ Oh no. I knew he'd get like this.  I'd better grovel some more]
}
} Please, O glorious <ZOT>er of film critics, whose farts have the
} strength of the north wind, who-
}
} <<< OH SHUT UP!  EXCESSIVE GROVELING IS EVEN MORE ANNOYING THAN
}     NONE AT ALL!  MARRY YOU ?!  BEING OMNISCIENT I ALREADY KNOW
}     WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE AND THAT ALONE WOULD BE REASON ENOUGH TO
}     SAY NO. >>>
}
} But I'd make a great wife!
}
} <<< CAN YOU DO THE TRIPLE TONGUE LOOP WITH FOLLOW THROUGH ? >>>
}
} No, what's that ?
}
} <<< HA!  YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW BASIC KARMA SUTRA!  LISTEN, GO AND
}     FIND YOURSELF SOMEONE MORE SUITABLE. >>>
}
} But "I don't want anybody else; when I think about you I touch
} myself...And Nothing Compares; Nothing Compares to You!"
}
} <<< OH NO, IT'S SERENADING ME NOW!  PLEASE, JUST GO AWAY!! >>>
}
} I would rather die!
}
} <<< THAT COULD BE ARRANGED.. >>>
}
} [sulking] OK, I'll go away now.  What do I owe you ?
}
} <<< THAT $10,000 DIAMOND ENGAGEMENT RING YOU PURCHASED WILL
}     DO NICELY, THANKYOU.  AND SHUT THE DOOR ON YOUR WAY OUT! >>>


530-05    (9ae91 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Munificent dispenser of wisdom and sense,
>
> How do I make amends?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I usually use paper-mache.


530-06    (06j99 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle whose code always compiles cleanly, I beg of your wisdom:  Why
> is it that my code is always neat, readable, documented,
> understandable yet completely non-functional, while my co-workers'
> code looks like practice for the obfuscated C code contest and runs
> like a dream?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have you taken a look at some of their files?  See any with mode 666
} permissions?  Yes, that's right, your co-workers all sold their souls
} to The Evil One (no, I don't mean Bill Gates) for the ability to code
} like daemons.  They don't understand how they're able to code like
} this and they can't explain their code to anyone else, because they
} took the easy way out.  They went to the dark side of programming.
} Quicker it is, more seductive.  Listen to the Oracle, or suffer your
} co-workers' fate you will.  The source will be with you, always.
}
} You owe the Oracle a legitimate copy of John Lions' 1976 book, "Notes
} on the UNIX Operating System".


530-07    (2eg74 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and sexy Oracle, whose slightest whisper is my every reason
> for living.  Please tell me, is President Clinton really on E-Mail, and
> if so, has he asked you any questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, your president does have an e-mail address
} (75300.3115@compuserve.com). And, as a matter of fact, he has asked me
} one question, soon after he took office:
}
} > Oh wise Oracle, who truly belongs on my cabinet, except for the fact
} > that you don't quite look like America, please help me.  I've got
} > troubles in Somalia and the Balkans, I promised to allow homosexuals
} > in the military and am now having problems, my middle-class tax cut
} > has disappeared since the deficit is so much higher than before, and
} > I have so many other things to worry about too.  The pressure is
} > really getting to me.  What should I do?
} > --
} > William J. Clinton
} > President, United States of America
} > 75300.3115@compuserve.com
}
} I promptly answered:
}
} } First off, Mr. President, try to remember to remove your .sig block
} } before asking me a question.  But anyway, to relieve your stress, why
} } don't you try something like what Lisa and I always do.  Put Socks
} } out, send Chelsea out to play, go find Hillary and try out a few
} } "executive actions", if you know what I mean (and I think you do)...
} }
} } You owe the Oracle the ambassadorship to the Bahamas.
}
} For some reason, I haven't got any questions from him since...
}
} You owe the Oracle a really snazzy tax loophole.


530-08    (6ii10 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, the strength of the greater universe...
>
> I was raised with a friend my age - and taught our colors at the same
> time.  Mother pointed at a ripe macintosh apple and said 'this is
> the color RED'.  She pointed at a cucumber and said 'this is GREEN'.
> That was the way we learned our colors.
>
> Now, many years later, i find out my friend is color blind.  How
> can one tell, if you learn the color you see is RED, but to others
> it may be PURPLE?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      This is a question that has been pondered by the ancients for
}      ages (and is one of the reasons they became so ancient in the
}      the first place).  The answer is not easily found, but never
}      fear... there IS a solution...  You and your friend should both
}      go out and buy VERY dark glasses so that everything appears
}      monochromatic... then you can enjoy the same SHADES without
}      worrying about HUE.
}
} You now owe the Oracle a pair of cheap sunglasses.


530-09    (2d7c9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  You are so wise with animal behavior, please fill me in on this:
>
>    How can I keep the mouse on my computer from eating my food whenever
>      I leave?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This problem is predominant on the Mac computers, where the mice think
} that it's a Big Mac and try to eat it.  Many users have come back to
} discover half of their computer chewed up, and a desktop mouse that
} seems slightly larger than when they left it.
}
} The solution to this is very easy.  On the underside of the mouse,
} you'll find a rubber sphere that is used to determine the position of
} the cursor. Simply open up the case, and remove the mouse's balls.  The
} mouse will then be very mellow and won't eat your food.
}
} You owe the Oracle a track-testicle.


530-10    (2bm62 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why ask why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, you are obviously the parent of a young child, probably
} between the ages of 2 and 4 years old.  Indeed, I have received
} numerous queries on child-rearing from supplicants hoping to improve
} their skills.  Your child is going through that "WHY" phase, and after
} hearing "why" as h[is|er] response to each of your explanations for the
} last month, you are climbing the walls.  Asking why is quite natural at
} this age; your child has an incredible amount of curiosity about the
} world around h[im|er], and has yet to discover the unnerving truth (for
} you mortals anyway) that the more you know, the more you realize how
} little you know.  The answer to your question "Why ask why?" is
} twofold: 1) the child doesn't know how to ask better questions and is
} forced to reuse the only question that gets more and more interesting
} and empassioned responses from you 2) you give lousy explanations.
}
} Good luck with your offspring.  Next phase is "what's that," then comes
} "how come," then comes sex ed 101.
}
} You owe the Oracle a more specific question.


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