[IO]
Internet Oracle
21 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 6:19:41 GMT

Internet Oracularities #532

Goto:
532, 532-01, 532-02, 532-03, 532-04, 532-05, 532-06, 532-07, 532-08, 532-09, 532-10


Usenet Oracularities #532    (46 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 13 Feb 1993 00:10:45 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   532
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

532   46 votes 2adg5 03cjc 2aib5 0bie3 49i96 1ji35 8jg12 0djb3 39ma2 37jd4
532   3.1 mean  3.3   3.9   3.2   3.2   3.1   2.8   2.3   3.1   3.0   3.2


532-01    (2adg5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@hew.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ________________________________________________________________
}
} |
} @
}  >
} O   Look Bob, I told you you can stick your head into the terminal.
} /
} ________________________________________________________________
}
} ||
}  O
}   >                                                 EEEEEEK!!
}  \  Wow, Bob there's the most beautiful wo...       Orrie, Another
} /                                                   geek is peeking
}                                                     at me.
} _________________________________________________________________
}
} Jim, are you all right in there!                 It's Okay, Lisa
} \\//\                                            I got him.
} \\/// /       ZZZZZ     OOO   TTTTT
} / + +  /_        Z     O   O    T
} |  >   \        Z      O   O    T
} / #  \         Z       O   O    T
} /    \        ZZZZZ     OOO     T
} __________________________________________________________________
}
} Jim, If you can hear me pull your head out. JIM...JIM!
}
}  \|/
}  -o-
}  /|\
} __________________________________________________________________
}
} > Jim, I'm coming in after you.
}     .
} __________________________________________________________________


532-02    (03cjc dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A nasty looking dwarf is in the room with you!
>
> He throws a knife at you!
>
> It hits you!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Damn !]
} > Restore
} COIN ROOM
} There is an empty piggy bank here. A stairway
} leads up to the north and a very short doorway
} is open to the west.
}
} >inv
}  You are carrying:
}       A cloak
}       40 pennies
}       A large box
}         A USENET terminal
}
} >examine box
} The box is one meter square and has a wire with a strage plug attached
} to one side. The box is empty.
}
} >wear cloak
} You are now wearing a cloak.
}
} >west
} You duck down and manage to squeeze through the short doorway.
} DWARF'S HOME
} You are in a small hovel. There is an ugly dwarf here wielding a
} large and rather wicked looking knife.  For some reason he doesn't
} seem to notice you.
}
} >get dwarf and knife
} Taken.
}
} >put dwarf and knife in box.
} Done.
}
} >plug box into terminal
} The terminal begins to hum and the screen comes to life.
}
} >Read Screen
} The screen contains an irreverent question.
}
} >Type "send to suplicant"
} As you enter the words on the keyboard a whirring sound eminates
} from the attached box. The lid pops open and you see that the box
} is once again empty. From a very great distance you hear the agonized
} scream of a suplicant. Welcome to Level 12.


532-03    (2aib5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O thou still unravished groom of wisdom -
> O great one still and casual as birds -
> O nameless one above all -
> Please answer the question of this insignificant being:
>
> I've been invited to have tea with Bill and Hillary Clinton next week.
> What advice should I pass on to them from you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hoo boy. The Clinton administration will prove to be the most rocked by
} scandal of any administration ever. Please don't give them this whole
} list, but you may provide a hint of what is to come.
}
} Feb 19, 1993: President Clinton reveals that he once tried cocaine, but
}               didn't snort too deeply.
}
} Mar 12, 1993: Hillary demands that "First Lady" become a full cabinet
}               position.
}
} Jun 11, 1993: Republicans discover that not only did Clinton oppose
}               American involvement in Vietnam, he actually fought for
}               the Viet Cong.
}
} Sep 09, 1993: Clinton reveals that he once tried heroin, but he used a
}               clean needle.
}
} Dec 02, 1993: Hillary demands that the First Lady be included in the
}               succession, ahead of the Vice President.
}
} Apr 22, 1994: Republicans unveil that Ho Chi Minh was really Clinton in
}               disguise.
}
} May 10, 1994: Clinton reveals that he once tried Communist propoganda,
}               but he didn't understand it.
}
} Oct 11, 1994: The Hillary Coup: Mrs. Rodham-Clinton makes a failed
}               attempt to take over the White House. President Clinton
}               has her executed and replaces her with Gennifer Flowers.
}
} Jan 13, 1995: Republicans finally decrypt a 1991 coded telegram from
}               Clinton to Saddam Hussein: "I'm with you all the way,
}               buddy."
}
} Apr 01, 1995: Clinton reveals that he once tried murder, but he only
}               stabbed once.
}
} Dec 07, 1995: Addressing a group of WWII vets, Clinton refers to,
}               "those valiant and brave Japanese pilots who attacked
}               Pearl Harbor." He later blames a slip of the tongue.
}
} Feb 02, 1996: Republicans unearth a private letter to a friend, in
}               which Clinton refers to Adolf Hitler as, "My personal
}               role model, who I will always admire and emulate."
}
} May 17, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried bestiality, but the
}               animals involved were all vertebrates.
}
} Jun 11, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried necrophilia, but the
}               body was fairly warm.
}
} Jun 13, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried arson, but the building
}               he torched was of little value.
}
} Jun 16, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried rape, but she really
}               enjoyed it.
}
} Jun 17, 1996: Clinton admits to mugging, pedophilia, kleptomania,
}               Communism, racism, and once driving over the speed limit.
}
} Jun 20, 1996: Clinton denies ever trying LSD. Nobody believes him.
}
} Election Day, Clinton is re-elected in a landslide. The popular vote is
} 1996          243,975,237 to 2. Election fraud is suspected, but never
}               proven.
}
} And believe me, it gets worse in his second through his sixteenth
} terms.
}
} You owe the Oracle a plane ticket out of the country.


532-04    (0bie3 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was doing the Schroedinger experiment..you know, the one with the cat
> and the particle that may or may not be there, which means the cat will
> or will not be alive?
>
> The first trial, the cat was alive.
> The second trial, the cat was alive.
> The third trial, the cat was dead.
> On each of 413 successive trials, the cat was also dead.
>
> Am I doing something wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's certainly one way to find out.  I'll repeat the experiment
} using your equipment and methods, but since Schrodinger's cat is dead,
} we'll need another subject.  Er, would you step into this windowless
} room while I get the experiment set up?  Yes, that's right, just sit
} down and make yourself comfortable.  I'll shut the door so you won't
} be distracted.
}
} Here we go...at the end of the first trial, the supplicant is as alive
} as he's ever been.
}
} Trial    2:  alive
} Trial    3:  alive
} Trial    4:  alive
} .
} . (34 identical results skipped)
} .
} Trial   39:  alive
} Trial   40:  alive
} Trial   41:  alive
} Trial   42:  dead
} Trial   43:  dead
} Trial   44:  dead
} .
} . (8719 identical results skipped)
} .
} Trial 8764:  dead
} Trial 8765:  dead
}
} I think that's quite enough.  Oh, here's the problem!  The experiment
} was running in Newtonian deterministic mode, not in quantum
} probabilistic mode.  I guess that's one mistake this supplicant will
} never make again.
}
} Acolyte!  Come over here, take a memo.  Address it to Heaven, Judgment
} Division, Reincarnation Section, attention of Saint Francis of Assisi.
} Ahem.  "Dear Giovanni, I respectfully request reincarnation of this
} soul as a mouse, hamster, gerbil, rat, squirrel or other relatively
} defenseless member of the order Rodentia.  Reincarnation within this
} order should be iterated for this soul over a minimum of, oh, 200
} years.  The reason for this request is that this soul has been cruel
} to Felidae and needs to learn the meaning of the terms `kindness
} toward animals' and `food chain'."  Ha, ha, maybe he'll be a squirrel
} on some college campus where he'll get fed pizza and explode!  No,
} don't write that down!  Where were we?  Yes, "Thanks for the favor,
} Joe, I owe you one.  Love, The Usenet Oracle."  Wait, I almost forgot,
} "P.S. Lisa is really enjoying that horse you gave her last Christmas.
} Who did you say last took care of it on earth, Catherine somebody?"


532-05    (49i96 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mycroft@gnu.ai.mit.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle most wise, most great, most tall, he who always cooks his
> rice just long enough to make it succulent yet not sticky, he of the
> Infintesimally Holy Toe-Jam:
>
> Is it just my imagination, or is the Net collectively getting
> stupider?  Every time I read news, I see more and more posts that are
> filled with misspellings, grammatical errors, logical errors, lies,
> excessive and pointless self-aggrandizement, and sheer nonsense.  I
> see more and more followups to reasonably intelligent posts that
> involve single quotes from the original post and an insulting non
> sequitur by the follower-up.  I see more and more demands by certain
> rude parties that other people stop posting to "their" newsgroup,
> because they disagree with the rude party and are thus unfit to live.
> I see more and more flames that duplicate in spades whatever the
> flaming party is complaining about, whether it be illogicity, poor
> spelling and grammar, or belligerence.  I mean, I'm neither Mother
> Theresa nor Albert Einstein, but I'm neither am I rude and stupid, and
> I don't see why some people consider it a virtue to broadcast their
> rudeness and stupidity at top volume.  (Even some of Your incarnations
> choose to answer questions with, "I'm busy.  Don't ask me such a dumb
> question!")  Is there indeed a worsening trend in all this, or did I
> at some point fall into a Kinder and Gentler Warp from which I am just
> now emerging?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shut up, stupid.


532-06    (1ji35 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omnipotetant and everlastingly carnivorous <Zot>-er, most highly
> regarded advise giver and all around good guy Oracle, please, need to
> know... I must know... I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO KNOW:
>
> Is there anything at all that you are absolutely forbidden to answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now, look, if I told you "no," you'd start asking me absurd questions
} in the belief that I'd actually tell you the truth--like, "What is
} God's phone number," and all that crap, and soon I'd be spending all my
} time making up crap to keep you happy, and then I'd get mad and <zot>
} you.  And if I told you "yes," then your next question would be, "What
} questions are you forbidden to answer?", and if I didn't answer that
} you'd know that that was one of the forbidden questions, and if I told
} you what I couldn't answer you'd start asking me those questions, and
} then pretty soon in either case you'd be asking impossible questions
} all the time, and then sooner or later my circuits would just fail me
} and
}
} PANIC!
} Syncing disks . . .


532-07    (8jg12 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great,
>    wonderful,
>    splendiforous,
>    omnipotent (as opposed to impotent),
>    beautiful,
>    masculine,
>    hairy,
>    horny,
>    living,
>    pulsating,
>    magestic,
>    magenta,
>    moving,
>    feeling,
>    breathing,
>    compulsive,
>    well hung,                 ORACLE:
>    massive,
>    mysterious,                        Oh Damn.  Now what was I
>    svelte,                    going to ask?
>    personable,
>    luxurious,
>    intelligent,
>    misinterpreted,
>    superb

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} % find "improve"+"memory" /databases/books/books.database /index:on
}
} gnufind v5.29 patchlevel 36
}
} ... searching database
} ... one entry found
} ... listing
}
} AN 1987780XX.  9105.
} ME smith, eric
} TI how to improve your memory
} PD 1989
} NT ILLUSTRATED.
} PR PAP $26.00. 0-685-31023-X.
} PB Pantheon.
} SC ACTIVE ENTRY (AE).
}
} ... done
}
} You owe the oracle a bigger hard disk (preferably raid level 5).


532-08    (0djb3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@lightnin.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh ever wise and gracious Oracle whose spittle while talking is too
> godly for me to allow to land on my visage, I ask this one simple
> question:
>
>       Where did the term/phrase core-dump come from and why is it
>       so widely used in Unix C compilers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, the good old days, when transistors were tubes and wires were also
} tubes. In the early days of computers, because of enormously
} complicated mechanical and electrical circuitry considerations
} (resistors were usually made of tinfoil, inductors were left-over
} springs, etc.) enormous amounts of power were drawn by the vastly
} inefficient systems.  To supply the growing power requirements,
} computer operators moved from coal and steam power to hydraulic power
} to nuclear fission; hence the "core."  Also in these days, memory
} locations were represented with physical "boxes," (hence the affinity
} computer science professors have for the analogy) each box containing a
} metal number, usually stolen by first-year graduate students from
} people's houses late at night (that's why finding an address house is
} so tough in parts of New York, Silicon Valley and Tokyo.)  At this
} time, the C precursor D-- was in vogue, and often, because of punchcard
} error, programmers would input something to the effect of 5 = 3 or
} &beta = &5 or some other such nonsense.  The compiler would treat such
} commands as valid, and during run-time the computer would attempt a
} physical impossibility, such as jamming two of the metal numbers in the
} same box and wedging two numbers together, and end up not only stopping
} the works but also warping Euclidean space.  In very bad situtations,
} the reactor would overheat, and, in order to avoid meltdown and
} subsequent popular condemnation of computers science, automatic systems
} would dump the reactor core out the garbage chute for the garbage
} collectors, thus avoiding catastrophe.  The term has carried through
} the years, like all such things, and now is short for "You dummy! You
} did something VERY bad and VERY stupid! You're lucky this system isn't
} running off of a reactor anymore!"
}
} You owe the Oracle an early computer schematic.


532-09    (39ma2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Were mittens created for people without fingers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  For hundreds of years, scientists have sought the answer to this
} question, knowing that it could lead to a greater understanding of the
} role winter clothing is meant to play in our lives.  Finally, a team of
} specialists organized and led by myself, the great Oracle, has reached
} the inescapable conclusion:  mittens are actually glove larvae, waiting
} to pass through puberty, at which time they develop the positions for
} the fingers.
}
}  As in human beings, this period of development is a traumatic one,
} often accompanied by the development of skin problems, which are often
} mistakenly perceived by humans as being permanent flaws (e.g., holes,
} worn spots, etc.).  This is *far* from the case: as the mitten matures
} into its adult form, it will grow a new skin, which will heal it of
} these problems. (A brief experiment to determine the effectiveness of
} Clearasil on these skin problems met with inconclusive results.
} However, further tests have been scheduled.)
}
}  It is also interesting to note that a number of people throughout
} the years have been falsely accused of losing their mittens as
} children. In fact, small mittens mature more quickly than do large
} ones, and they thus slip away in the night to take on the new roles
} demanded by their maturity.  The use of the "mitten leash" to hold them
} back has been found to have a significant retarding effect on their
} development: if they are not allowed to develop at a normal rate,
} mittens often remain stunted in their growth.
}
}  You owe the Oracle a new pair of Isotoners.


532-10    (37jd4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Got a light?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, dammit! Jehovah borrowed it a long time ago,
} and still hasn't given it back.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org