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Internet Oracularities #533

Goto:
533, 533-01, 533-02, 533-03, 533-04, 533-05, 533-06, 533-07, 533-08, 533-09, 533-10


Usenet Oracularities #533    (48 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 15 Feb 1993 08:54:12 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   533
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

533   48 votes 18kd6 3icb4 78dd7 5kg52 5he93 1fka2 2blb3 2dbbb 9le40 1ao94
533   2.9 mean  3.3   2.9   3.1   2.6   2.8   2.9   3.0   3.3   2.3   3.1


533-01    (18kd6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi there Mr. Oracle.
>
> It must get awfully tiring, answering the questions of supplicants for
> all eternity, so I thought I'd be different.
>
> I just wanted to tell you what a swell Oracle you are, and let you know
> that you are thought of dearly by thousands the world over.
>
> I hope you're having a nice eon.
>
> A supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear A. SUPPLICANT   ,
}
}   Congratualtions on your decision to consult the Usenet Oracle.
} You, A. SUPPLICANT   , are a very special person.  That is why I
} take very special care to personally answer the questions about
} life that you have, A. SUPPLICANT   .  The small fee which you
} pay for this service helps to defray my operating expenses, which
} go toward research, information storage, internet fees, and a
} number of philanthropic organizations.
}   The answer to your question is:
}
} PARSE ERROR.  DO NOT MAIL THIS RESPONSE.
}
}   Your fee of $       1000.00 has been deducted from your checking
} account.  If you have any other questions, please feel free to
} write; I always enjoy hearing from you, A. SUPPLICANT   .
}
}                                       - The Usenet Oracle
}
} form ORA 1129-763 (c/g 12/91)


533-02    (3icb4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I! Hi'm a mtatng siugnaturei vir*ss. You cann~t reisth elping me
> spre]d!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course you are!   But you are dealing with an Omniscient Being
} here, buddy!  I know your source code!  I know your programmer!  I
} know exactly how to counteract the ducks of your evil code!  In
} fact, I am presently taking Pringles to ensure that Quasimodo don't
} infect the cucumber or the canine drives here at Indiana Frozen.  I
} have also renaissance my ZOT! zoology and mating call frog run
} horseback shoelace very the intelligence ugly stepping motor up with
} for what in plastic denied press pass whale explosion Oregon native
} rescuing potatoe darn fork enter four how wood kill nightly inside
} that sleep of death waht dreams may come....
}
} Oh, motherteresa!
}
} You owe the Oracle that episode of Deep Space Nine.....


533-03    (78dd7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I wish to know about kippers.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, then why don't you ask me about them?


533-04    (5kg52 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ohhhh Mighty, Gracious, Omnipitant Oracle. Descendant of the Most
> impudant one.  Raveler of mysteries. Pray, try and answer this humble
> X11 users question.
>
> If MS-Windows could do windows, How many windows would MS-Windows do?
> (The most current version of course.)
>
> Ohhh thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In fact, this answer is a function of the most current version that I
} am aware of, 3.1. The function is a cubic function, thus, a constant
} integer k times v to the third, yielding 132.651k as the total number
} of windows. However, this number contains a fractional portion, and
} since fractional segments of windows can not exist, MS-Windows will
} crash.
}
} You owe me a system reboot.


533-05    (5he93 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O infinite Oracle, whose knowledge spans the Universe (and then some),
> please tell me what the monolith in the movie "2001: A Space Odyssey"
> was supposed to be.  Do these things really exist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scene: The house of Arthur C. Clarke. A bright summer day.
} Not a cloud in the sky, and so the sun is burning down.
}
} Arthur C. Clarke is lying in his deckchair on the veranda, trying
} to figure out how to write a clever story for a million-seller
} movie, so he can pay his next rent.
}
} Two thousand miles above him, a Boeing 747 (Show logo of airline for
} some seconds here.) is flying above him, on its way to Washington D. C.
}
} Cut to scene inside the airplane. (Show smiling stewardess in uniform
} of airline here.) Some fat lady is just disappearing into the restroom.
} When she's finished, she flushes the toilet (in spite of a big sign
} (with logo of airline) saying "Do not flush toilet while in flight!").
} Anyway, what she flushes down freezes immediately when coming into
} contact with the cold air outside, as the disposer valve is opened.
}
} The last thing that Arthur C. Clarke hears before he is hit by a big,
} almost rectangular chunk of frozen waste from above, is its loud and
} almost painful buzzing in the air.
}
} The rest has become motion picture history.
}
} You owe the Oracle an end to 2001-sequels.


533-06    (1fka2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why indeed?
}
}  Why do you not grovel as you are supposed to do?
}  Why is your question so short?
}  Why do you expect an intelligent answer to your request?
}  Why does your question contain no verb?
}  Why are US gallons and British gallons different?
}  Why is "inflammable" the same as "flammable" and not the opposite?
}  Why is "to cleave" the opposite of "to cleave" and not the same?
}  Why are the digits on a phone placed differently than on a calculator?
}
} You owe the Oracle an answer.


533-07    (2blb3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me why guys think that computer penpals and commitment sound a lot
> alike ?   Tell me why the guys you meet over computers and accidentally
> see quit writing back?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       A good question indeed.  The first part is easy.  There is a
} small region of DNA on the Y-chromosome, sandwiched between the INS and
} SUP genes, which code for male insensitivity and the inability to lower
} the toilet seat, respectively.  This small intervening segment holds
} the COM gene.  It is responsible for male avoidance of commitments.
} However, overexpression of this gene's product is very common, which
} results in an aversion to anything partially homologous to the word
} "commitment." Hence, the "com---t--" in "computer penpals" sends many
} males running for cover.  It is true that there's a well-defined subset
} of males who actually have a great affinity for anything involving the
} word "computer."  These individuals have a 2.4 kilobase deletion in the
} COM gene and overlapping into the SUP gene, thus rendering them not
} only able to deal with computers but also capable of lowering the
} toilet seat.  These individuals are quite willing to make commitments,
} but their potential benefit to society is lost because they're all
} hidden away in the depths of computer labs.
}       The second part is more puzzling.  I admit I have had the same
} problem from time to time, but I suspect for a different reason.  Most
} of the mortals I have met personally have been those who earned
} hand-delivered <ZOT!>s, so their failure to write back wasn't
} surprising.  In your case, it has something to do with that string of
} shrunken heads you wear as a necklace. Either get rid of it, or try
} pheromones.
}
} You owe the Oracle an automated DNA sequence analyzer and a Roach
} Motel.


533-08    (2dbbb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: Oraclists Anonymous
>
> Help! I'm doing it again!
> I'm sitting in a terminal room of the N.Y. State University and have
> already sent thirty-two woodchuck questions!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Right. This requires immediate attention.
}
} 1. Write to all other users logged on an NYU:
}
}    "Hi. I'm a supplicant, and I've got a woodchuck problem."
}
} > Done it.
}
} Hey? Well, umm...
}
} 2. Post in news.announce with a distribution of `world':
}
}    "Hi. I'm a supplicant, and I've got a woodchuck problem."
}
} > Yep, that too.
}
} Whawherehoozah? Perhaps...
}
} 3. Grep the entire news spool for addresses and mail every single
}    one you can find:
}
}    "Hi. I'm a supplicant, and I've got a woodchuck problem."
}
} > Uh, well, I hate to tell you this but..
}
} Still got a couple more ideas:
}
} 4. Post in news.announce.newusers with a `world' distribution:
}
}    "Hi. In my previous life I was a supplicant with a woodchuck
}    problem, but now I'm a new user."
}
} > Why don't you check in news.announce.newusers. I've already done it.
}
} <Grrr> One more option:
}
} It's called "Electro-<ZOT> Therapy". It's extreme, but this is an
} extreme situation.
}
} Here goes...
}
} oracle% zot -therapy supplicant@cs.nyu.edu
}
}                     #   ####### ####### #######   #
}                    #         #  #     #    #       #
}                   #         #   #     #    #        #
}                  #         #    #     #    #         #
}                   #       #     #     #    #        #
}                    #     #      #     #    #       #
}                     #   ####### #######    #      #
}
} <Silence>
}
} [The Scene: A busy newsroom in CNN's Atlanta HQ. Reporters running
} around everywhere, papers being shuffled, alarms sounding, and an
} emergency news report.]
}
} "And in an unconfirmed report just to hand, sources say that New York
} University has been instantly vaporised, by what appears to be some
} sort of nuclear blast. Just fourteen minutes ago, the entire campus
} appeared to explode, and almost "flew" up into the air in many millions
} of pieces. It seems that just beforehand a mighty blast of thermal
} energy was detected in NORAD's headquarters almost `arcing' across from
} Indiana University to New York University. Law Enforcement Agencies are
} unsure at this moment if it was a terrorist strike, or whether it was
} just an almighty <ZOT> from the Usenet Oracle, who is based at Indiana
} University. We cross live to our Usenet Oracle Correspondent at Indiana
} University, Steve Kinzler, for the latest. Steve, any word from the
} Oracle?"
}
} "Well, not as yet, but it seems that the blast occurred not long after
} NYU opened an SMTP connection with Indiana. It would seem perfectly
} reasonable that the Oracle has simply <ZOT>ted an annoying supplicant,
} or perhaps he has been testing his new Electro-<ZOT> therapy, which
} involves large amounts of energy..."
}
} "Thankyou Steve. We'll cross live later to our Usenet Oracle
} Correspondent for the latest. And in other news, President Clinton
} claimed today that he in fact got a CompuServe account, but he didn't
} really `log in'...."


533-09    (9le40 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, please answer my question: When a president
> finishes his term of office, he usually gets a library built
> in his honor. Well, I don't want them to build me a library,
> I want them to build me a pyramid. And Hillary wants one, too.
> Will Congress let me do this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure, it's your library.  Do it how you want.
}
} Besides, you're not the only one with a goofy library - just take
}
} Nixon's: it's looks like a sound stage
} Reagan's: it's an echo chamber.
} Carter's: it's in a gigantic peanut.
} Ford's: it's in the shape of the leaning tower of Pizza.
} Fillmore's: I don't know where it is.
} Johnson's: it's a giant peach.
} Lincoln's: it's in a log cabin.
} Coolidge's: it's a crumbling tacks shelter.
} Harding's: it's a pig sty.
} Cleveland's: it's the home of "Monsterpiece Theater."
} Wilson's: hasn't been finished because they can't agree where to put it.
} Washington's: it started as a majestic building surrounded by
}       ropes, but now they're hopelessly entangled...
}
} Are you sure that a pyramid is what you want?  Just think about how a
} giant stuffed beaver would look...
}
} You owe the Oracle keys to the presidential dining room.


533-10    (1ao94 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jim@oasis.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What should one feed monsters under the bed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is only one thing a monster under the bed will eat, and
} that is the person in the bed. Arms and legs which dangle over
} the sides will do as snacks, but are no substitute for the main
} course. Your monster, by the way, is getting quite hungry. The
} Oracle suggests you have a slumber party.


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