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Internet Oracularities #534

Goto:
534, 534-01, 534-02, 534-03, 534-04, 534-05, 534-06, 534-07, 534-08, 534-09, 534-10


Usenet Oracularities #534    (51 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 17 Feb 1993 00:10:52 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   534
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

534   51 votes 18hj6 27fha 2eja6 8cga5 65dha 26bie 1bih4 4gj93 4ii56 5eka2
534   3.2 mean  3.4   3.5   3.1   2.8   3.4   3.7   3.2   2.8   2.8   2.8


534-01    (18hj6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  The mighty being must know the answer to this, because I sure can
>  not.....
>
>      How can I make my socks like each other better,
>      so that one of them will stop running away?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Even the Oracle occasionally seeks assistance from an expert.
} Here is the professional advice in answer to your question...
}
} [Scene: Oracle's office.  The USENET ORACLE walks to a corner of his
} office and steps into an old-style phone booth, much like the one in
} the Bill and Ted movies, but without the funky coat hangers on top.
} He dials several digits and waits.]
}
} [Sound FX: Telephone ringing, twice.  The voice on the other end is
} heavily accented, much like what you'd expect Arnold Schwarzenegger
} would sound like after Maria Shriver hits him in the groin with a
} tennis ball.  It's the renowned expert on sex and relationships, Dr.
} RUTH WESTHEIMER.]
}
} Ruth:  Allo?  Vhat iz your kvestion or problum?
}
} Oracle:  Hi, Dr. Ruth, this is Orrie.  I have a friend who is having
}  a problem with his socks.
}
} Ruth:  His zox?
}
} Oracle:  Yes, his socks.  He says one of them keeps running away.
}
} Ruth:  I see.  Vhy does he say dis?
}
} Oracle:  I really don't know, he didn't offer any explanation, other
}  than they aren't getting along.
}
} Ruth:  Ja, ja.  Tell me, Orrie, how is your zex life?
}
} Oracle:  [shocked]  My WHAT?!
}
} Ruth:  Ach, it cannot be all that bad!
}
} Oracle:  My sex life is just fine, I'm calling about my friend's
}  problem with his SOCKS!
}
} Ruth:  Orrie, you must be honest mit me und yourzelf.  Efferyvon who
}  calls me mit his ``friend's problum'' is calling fur himzelf.  Und
}  vhat could be more obfious than saying you haff a problum mit zox vhen
}  your real problum is ZEX?
}
} Oracle:  No, no, you misunderstand completely.  I'm a
}  pseudo-omnipotent, quasi-omniscient being who answers questions from
}  worshipful supplicants.  I have one waiting right now for an answer
}  to the question of why he can't keep his socks together.
}
} Ruth:  Ach, yes, ve haff spoken before, Orrie.  Are you still
}  fantasizing about Lisa?
}
} Oracle:  [becoming annoyed]  Lisa is REAL!  She's an actual goddess who
}  pleases me sexually in every way imaginable and in a countably
}  infinite number of ways mere mortals cannot imagine!  I have no
}  problems with sex at all.
}
} Ruth:  I see you are in a zefere state uff denial.  Do you masturbate
}  offen while you fantasize about Lisa?
}
} Oracle:  [enraged]  That's it!  I have had all of this I'm going to
}  take!
}
} Ruth:  Calm down, Orr...
}
} Oracle:  [interrupting]  Put a SOCK in it, you old bitch!
}
} [The Oracle slams down the phone and storms out of the booth.  He
} stomps over to his desk and plops down in a chair, one of those
} weird Norwegian ones.  Or are they Swedish?]
}
} Oracle:  [muttering to self]  That's the last time I try consulting an
}  expert.  From now on it's computer simulations all the way.
}
} [fade out]
}
} You owe the Oracle a backrub--he's really tense.


534-02    (27fha dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Joe - Where you're going with that GNU in your hand?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The dyslexic hackers' convention.  Gonna kill some jobs.


534-03    (2eja6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I praise thee, Usenet Oracle, for your intelligence, wit, and good
> taste in everything, especially software.  You and I both know that
> emacs is far superior to vi.  How can I convince the heretics to accept
> this truth and abandon vi?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  ORACLE   ANSWER   A1  V 80  Trunc=80 Size=12 Line=12 Col=1 Alt=3
} DMSXSU577E File has been changed; type QQUIT to quit anyway
}
}     0 * * * Top of File * * *
}     1 JUST SHOW THEM ALL THE FUNNY THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH VI AND
}     2 HOW REALLY LOGICAL AND SIMPLE EMACS IS BUILT.
}     3 THERE IS REALLY NO REASON TO HAVE ANYTHING ELSE THAN
}     4 CONTROL-X CONTROL-C TO EXIT YOUR EDITOR, AND WHO HAS EVER
}     5 HEARD OF TERMINALS WITH LESS THAN EIGHTEEN ESCAPE-, META-,
}     6 ALT-, CONTROL-, SHIFT-, INSERT-, SWITCH-, SHIFT/LOCK-,
}     7 HOLD-, IDENT-, TRANSFORM- KEYS?
}     8 JUST LET THEM WATCH YOU WORK ON EMACS. SOON NOBODY WILL
}     9 EVER WANT TO DO ANYTHING ELSE, BECAUSE EMACS IS FUN TO
}    10 WORK WITH AND EVEN MORE FUN TO WATCH!
}    11
}    12 YOU OWE THE ORACLE AN EDT-EDITOR FOR HIS NOSTALGIC MOODS.
}       |...+....1....+....2....+....3....+....4....+....5....+....6..
}    13 * * * End of File * * *
}
} 1= Help     2= SOS LINE 3= Quit  4= TABKEY   5= SCHANGE   6= ?
} 7= Backward 8= Forward  9= =    10= RGTLEFT 11= SPLTJOIN 12= HOME
}
} ====>
}                                                 X E D I T  1 File
}
}                                                 RUNNING BITNET


534-04    (8cga5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dyslexics of the word UNTIE!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Narrator: The scene is a dank dungeon underneath the Usenet Oracle's
}           ultraspiffy castle in the Alps. The Oracle and Lisa are
}           caught up in strange game which apparently involves leather,
}           barbed wire, a twelve volt car battery, a live ostrich, and
}           a *lot* of rope.
}
}           The Oracle seems to be loosing.  To put it delicately, the
}           ostrich and Lisa have ganged up on him and applied enough
}           rope to effectively immobilize our One True Oracle.  To his
}           credit, at some point he seems to have taken a big bite out
}           of the ostrich, however this has left him with a mouth full
}           of feathers.
}
} Oracle:   <attempting to spit feathers> "Leb be go!  Ubpie be!"
}
} Lisa:     <grinning evilly> "What's that Orrie?  I couldn't hear you
}           for those feathers in your mouth."
}
} Ostrich:  <tickling the soles of the Oracle's feet>  "SQUAWK!"
}
} Oracle:   "UBPIE BE OR BILE <ZOP> YOU!"
}
} Lisa:     <flexing the barbed wire suggestively> "Gee, I just can't
}           understand you.  Here, I'll loosen one hand, and you can
}           write out your request.  If you grovel sufficiently, maybe
}           I'll consider it.  And I don't think you're in a position to
}           '<ZOP>' anyone. <smirk>"
}
} Oracle:   <writing>  "untie me!"
}
} Lisa:     <frowning, sounding out the letters>  Undie you?  We left
}           our undies upstairs, silly."
}
} Oracle:   <writing frantically>  "UNTIE me!"
}
} Lisa:     <moving her finger under the words, puzzled>
}           "I'm not your auntie!"
}
} Oracle:   <writing desperately>  "UNTIE! UNTIE! UNTIE!"
}
} Lisa:     <frowning, then grinning and blushing>  "Oh, UNITE!  Why
}           didn't you say so earlier?  Ooooo, Orrie, you're so sensual
}           sometimes."
}
} Narrator: Perhaps we should leave them to continue this game in
}           private...


534-05    (65dha dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most kind, whose teeth glow in the dark, and whose smile
> casteth radience upon even the unwashed, please tell me why my
> wife's horoscope in the newspaper is always right, even though she
> never consults the Oracle at all.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's nice to know that there are some observant supplicants around,
} yes, I use "ORIGATE" toothpaste, for that whiter than white, glow in
} the dark, illuminate the unwashed, smile.  A snip at $10 a tube,
} available from Oracle Enterprises Ltd.  (Warning: May disolve some
} mortal's teeth)
}
} Horoscopes, are an ancient, and once accurate, method of fortune
} telling and character assesment, this method have been passed down from
} generation to generation, from the dawn of time without change, which
} is a pity, because the star signs themselves change and over the years
} the horoscopes are now increasingly inaccurate, which is why they only
} now work for a few people.
}
} Today you are indeed fortunate, because the great, wise and omniscient
} Oracle, will enlighten you as to what the modern zodiac should be.
} There are now seven signs in the zodic, as 3 of the old ones have been
} destroyed by cataclysmic events, one wore out due to over use, and one
} was eliminated when I <ZOT>ed it. (I've never liked Aquarians.)
}
} The consequence of this is that the remining signs have had to be
} re-aligned and re-named, as I am the great Oracle, I have assigned
} these new names and symbols thusly:
}
} Name: BIC     Symbol: The ball point pen.
} Dates of birth: Jan 4th to Feb 19th
} Description:
}
}       People born under the sign of the biro, are often great writers
}       or philosophers, and are associated generally with people who
}       have a poor grip on the real world. 27% of the inmates of mental
}       institutions are of this sign.
}
}       These are the sort of people who build castles in the air, and a
}       significant percentage also try and move in. They are examples
}       of great unreliability in relationships, and always run out on
}       you when you least expect it.
}
} Next week:
}
}       Not a bad week, points to watch for are:
}       Monday: 3:42 pm Look out! someone will try to shoot you.
}       Wednesday: 1:12 pm Don't have the soup, the chef spat in it.
}       Saturday: 10:22 am Check though your shopping receipt, it's been
}               added up wrong.
}
} Name: CASIO   Symbol: The calculator
} Dates of birth: Feb 20th to April 11th
} Description:
}
}       People born under the sign of the calculator, are often great
}       mathematicians, physicists, accountants, actuarys and cricket
}       commentators, there is a very strong correlation between extreme
}       dullness and this sign.  John Major, is one of the few  famous
}       examples.
}
}       Most 'CASIO's are tired and weary all of the time, and are always
}       metaphoricly searhing for the 'new set of batteries', that they
}       hope will put some energy back into their life.
}
} Next week:
}
}       A typically dull week, nothing much happening. The high points
}       of excitement are:
}       Thursday: 3:28 pm You will forget to put sugar in your coffee.
}       Saturday: 10:12 am You find *three* misprints on the same page
}               of your paper, a new record !
}
} Name: REEBOK  Symbol: The trainer
} Dates of birth: April 12th to June 2nd
} Description:
}
}       People born under this sign, are the sort of people who care more
}       about the name on a product, rather than it's use. These people
}       will buy anything with a designer label on it, and will drive a
}       flashy car (eg. Porche, BMW etc.), but be completely unable to
}       park it properly.
}
}       Quite a lot of these people willingly subscribe to 'Readers
}       Digest' and actually find a lot of the articles interesting, They
}       also frequently drop foreign words and phrases into conversation,
}       because they believe it makes them sound sophisticated.  These
}       people are despised by everyone who isn't also a 'REEBOK'.
}
} Next week:
}
}       A bad week.
}       Monday 8:12 am Disaster! you discover your neighbour has a newer
}               Porsche than you.
}       Tuesday: 9:15 am Another disaster!, the label on your designer
}               sweatshirt has come off in the wash, so it must be
}               replaced.
}       Friday: 11.48 pm Worst of all!, someone points out at a party
}               that your Porsche sunglasses are fakes, you almost choke
}               on the vast assortment of fruit skewered on cocktail
}               sticks in your drink.
}
} Name: CRAWLER Symbol: The snake
} Dates of birth: June 3rd to July 25th
} Description:
}
}       People born under this symbol are the down trodden 'yes' men in
}       any organization, there only hope of climbing the corporate
}       ladder is to hang around the boss, agreeing with everything (s)he
}       says and stealing ideas from you fellow workers.
}
}       'CRAWLERS's never make mistakes, because they never do anying.
}       The effect on the work-place when one of these people leaves, is
}       normally completely unnoticeable. The 'CRAWLER's favorate hobby
}       is back-stabbing.
}
} Next week:
}
}       A typical week.
}       Monday 10:00 am The new design plans proposed, by the boss are
}               fantastic.
}       Tuesday 10:00 am Your boss has been replaced, It's a good job,
}               considering how bad those awful plans were.
}       Wednesday 10:00 am The new boss as made new plans, you tell
}               every one how wonderful they are compared to the nasty
}               old ones.
}       Friday 10:00 am Your old boss is reinstated, you explain that you
}               wanted him back all the time, and could you have a
}               glimpse of those marvelous plans again?
}
} Name: HOOVER  Symbol: The vacuum cleaner
} Dates of birth: July 25th to September 18th
} Description:
}
}       These are the people who are *obsessivly* clean and tidy.  The
}       sort of person who will give you a cup of coffee, and then clear
}       it away and wash it up, before you have even tasted.  You would
}       not be allowed to walk on their new carpet without removing your
}       shoes.
}
}       The furniture in their house still has the plastic wrapping on it
}       in order to keep it clean.  The shelves are full of twee china
}       ornaments, which are all dusted twice a day.  The kitchen is
}       spotless, it is not possible to leave a plate unwashed for more
}       than 10 seconds.
}
}       85% of all cleaning products are bought by people of this sign.
}       The garden will be neat and tidy, the grass will be mown 4 times
}       a day and then combed, so that it all lies in the same direction.
}
}       The busiest time of year is autumn, when 'HOOVER's go out and
}       pick up every leaf that falls in there garden, and sort them into
}       type and store them accordingly.
}
} Next week:
}
}       An average week.
}       Monday: 8:02 am The paper boy has failed to put the newspaper
}               exactly 8.27 inches through the letter box and
}               perpendicular to the door, as per your instructions. You
}               ring up and complain.
}       Wednesday: 5:32 pm You notice a small piece of moss growing on
}               your roof, you climb up to remove it, and while you're up
}               there you polish all of the tiles with furniture polish.
}       Friday: 11:32 pm Disaster! You hold a party, and 3 people drop
}               crumbs on the floor, despite you asking them not to.
}
} Name: PINE    Symbol: A pair of short planks
} Dates of birth: September 18th to November 22nd
} Description:
}
}       This is the sign of the 'intellectually challenged'. The world
}       is an exiting and wonderous place, for them, as each day they
}       learn something new, such as how to tie their shoe laces, how to
}       switch on the TV, and many other things that they were shown two
}       days ago.
}
}       Most 'PINE's spend all day watching game shows and soaps on TV,
}       and believing what the advertisments tell them. Many of these
}       people enjoy office life, as they can spend all day, playing with
}       the telephones and riding down the corridors on their chair with
}       castors.
}
} Next week:
}
}       Tuesday: 7:05 pm The man on the TV tells you to stay tuned.
}       Thursday: 10:20 am The boss calls to ask why you weren't in work
}               yesterday. "Becuase the man on the TV hasn't said I can
}               stop watching~
}       Friday: 4:29 am You are rung up by a man offering shares in IBM,
}               BCCI and Maxwell publishing, at very good prices, you
}               buy all you can afford.
}
} Name: WHOOPS  Symbol: The broken vase
} Dates of birth: November 22nd to January 3rd
} Description:
}
}       This is the sign of the clumsy and careless, these are the people
}       that spill more coffee than they drink. Typically these people
}       buy brown carpet so that the stains from spills don't show.
}
}       It is best to keep these people away from sharp or fragile
}       objects as it will inevitably lead to an accident. Under no
}       circumstances should they use power tools, as many casualty
}       departments are aleady having trouble coping with the steady
}       stream of 'WHOOPS's.
}
}       Many of them own VCR's but have never actually recorded what they
}       wanted, as they invariably loose the instruction booklet and set
}       the VCR to record the wrong channel, at the wrong time or both.
}       They should never be trusted, to do electrical work, almost
}       every power glitch you experience, is caused by a 'WHOOPS'
}       shorting (himself) across the power.
}
} Next week:
}
}       Monday: 8:34 pm Repeair the mug you broke with super-glue.
}       Monday: 8:56 pm Casulty department are busy trying to seperate
}               your hands.
}       Tuesday: 9:22 pm Water that damn house plant, before it dies.
}       Thursday: 8:12 am Left car in reverse gear, start up and drive
}               (though the doors) into your garage.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the date and time of your birth.


534-06    (26bie dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help!
>
> I sent you a programming question a few days ago, and when I checked my
> mail to see if you had responded, I found another question in my
> mailbox, evidently meant to go to you.  I forwarded this question to
> you, and then, suddenly got another!  This started to concern me, as I
> was beginning to feel pressured to help these poor kids who were
> sending me their questions. I sent both of these to you as questions
> and still haven't gotten a reply, but I got two more questions.  It
> seems that your mail has been rerouted to my email address for some
> reason, so I wrote a program that would instantly forward any oracle
> questions directly to you.
> I logged on the next day to see how my program was working, and I had
> over 6000 messages in my mailbox!  Since you haven't answered me yet,
> I started to answer the questions as best as I could myself, but there
> are a few that confused me too much or were to important for me to
> answer, can you mail me separate answers for these so I can forward
> them to the supplicants?
>
> First, the questions that I don't know how to answer (grovels deleted):
>
> |I just lost my girlfriend and am going to kill myself tonight.
> |Is their any reason I shouldn't?
>
> |Did my mommy love me?
>
> |My parents say my kitty is dying and we shoud put it to sleep but
> |I dont want to, but will do anything for Fluffy.  is it okay?
>
> |Ok.  I recompiled it, and the core dump stopped happening, but now
> |the test execvp() call that you suggested I try stopped working, what
> |should I do now?
>
> Then the questions that confuse me:
>
> |HOW MANY CATS HAVE SIX FEET?
>
> |I was told that I should grip the steering wheel at 2 o'clock and
> |10 o'clock when driving.  How should I drive at other times?
>
> |What has six legs, is blue and red, and murders people with a pickaxe?
>
> And finally, a number of people asked the same questions:
>
> |What now?                            (36)
>
> |<a woodchuck question>               (43)
>
> |<something about the number 42>      (21)
>
> Please help me!  I am particularly worried about this poor kid
> who lost his girlfriend.
>
> Desperately awaiting your reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Frazzled and Harassed Supplicant:
}
} 1.    I just lost my girlfriend and am going to kill myself tonight.
}        Is their any reason I shouldn't?
}       Nope.
} 2.    Did my mommy love me?
}       No, she wanted to be an opera singer and hated kids.  You were
}       an accident that ruined her career and she resented it deeply.
} 3.    My parents say my kitty is dying and we should put it to sleep but
}        I dont want to, but will do anything for Fluffy.  is it okay?
}       This is a traumatic time in your life and in Fluffy's, but don't
}       worry.  Flurry will be reincarnated as an exotic dancer in
}       Honolulu, will attract the attention of an Arab millionaire,
}       and will spend her life in luxury as a pampered darling.
} 4.    Ok.  I recompiled it, and the core dump stopped happening, but
}        now the test execvp() call that you suggested I try stopped
}        working, what should I do now?
}       Take a coffee break and work on your resume.
} 5.    HOW MANY CATS HAVE SIX FEET?
}       All cats have six feet - forefeet in front and two feet in back.
} 6.    I was told that I should grip the steering wheel at 2 o'clock and
}        10 o'clock when driving.  How should I drive at other times?
}       With your feet.
} 7.    What now?
}       Oblivion -- and the dessert cart with a selection of Aldebaran
}       liqueurs.
} 8.    <a woodchuck question>
}       Sorry, the guy on the next shift does all the w**dchuck answers.
}       It's not in my contract.
} 9.    <something about the number 42>
}       Everything is about the number 42.
}
}  (36) (43)  (21)
} Are those your measurements?


534-07    (1bih4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> One day, after it had just rained, Moses, Jesus, and the Oracle were
> walking along the street, and they came to a big puddle of water.
>
> Jesus just walked over it without getting his feet wet.
>
> Moses raised his hand, the waters parted, and he walked through the
> dry part without getting his feet wet.
>
> The Oracle --
>
> What did the Oracle do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *Sigh*  You WOULD bring that up.
} To be perfectly frank, it was not one of my better days.
} What can I say?  My mind was on other things; my attention was
} wandering.   I'd been musing over molecular bonding and neutronic weak
} forces and without really thinking about it accidentally dissolved the
} adhesion between the asphalt atoms and everthing else underneath it.
} Needless to say, I stepped into the puddle and went down like a rock.
} I mean *DOWN*.  There was Old Man Mose and Christy yelling and
} screaming . . . naw, I might as well tell the truth -- they were
} laughing their damned heads off!  It WASN'T funny!!  (LISA!  Stop
} snickering!!) It wasn't until I got down to the Morohovicic
} Discontinuity that I got my act together and pulled up.  Ruined a
} perfectly good Oracular linen robe, my sandals were a mess, and I
} somehow lost my portable data bank about a half-mile underground.
}
} I don't like having this incident mentioned;  it offends me.  In fact,
} it offends me even more than your lack of grovel -- for which you are
} sentenced to have the worst case of dandruff known to medical science
} for the next . . . hmm . . . six years.


534-08    (4gj93 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@hew.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Grovel.. Grovel..   Cringe, bow, swoop, fall...
> Worship.. Worship.. Beg, kneel, sponge, crall..
>
> What question can I ask to make sure I get into the Best of the
> Oracularities?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It warms the cockles of my heart to see someone so devoted to the
} creation of humor for the pure enjoment of...  whoops, wrong
} supplicant.
}
} Even if I weren't omniscient, your trite grovel and your self-seeking
} question would reveal to me that you are someone who has little
} patience for achieving success through such mundane ways as persistence
} and hard work.  This attitude will serve you well in your chosen
} profession as a politician, but irregardless, I would suggest that you
} write your awardwinning question using the time-honored method that has
} worked so well for so many people before you -- plagiarization.
}
} Yes!  Don't hide your eyes, plagiarize!  Make sure you are using the
} talent of those around you to your maximum potential.
}
} You could:
}
}     Find someone who writes winning questions and put a filter on their
}     outgoing mail to put your name on their oracular activity.
}
}     Put a filter on cs.indiana.edu's incoming mail to put your name on
}     ALL oracular activity.
}
}     Keep a log of winning questions and repeat them in 20 years.
}
}     Gain access to a worm-hole and send a copy of an award-winning
}     question back in time to yourself with precise instructions on when
}     the question should be inserted into the queue to ensure it gets
}     answered by the original incarnation.  This has the added benefit
}     of being able to accuse other people of plagiarizing _your_ ideas.
}
}     Come up with your own award-winning question and steal that idea
}     from yourself (lessening the chance of being sued).
}
} You owe the Oracle a Doctor Demento tune.


534-09    (4ii56 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and Mighty Oracle, please bestow on me some small ration of
> your mighty intellect to enlighten your unworthy supplicant.
>
> I was just told that the proper way to drive a car was to grip the
> steering wheel at 2 and 10 o'clock.  How am I supposed to drive during
> the rest of the day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Phew!  That was close!
}
} I liked your question..  kind of funny, really,..  but I didn't
} know how to ask it (this isn't really the oracle here, just one
} of his workers), so I mailed it to the oracle, and fortunately
} got your answer -- here it is:
}
} >> Gosh.. this is a tough one...
} >>
} >> How would you answer it?
} >>
} >> >The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
} >> >
} >> >> Oh Great and Mighty Oracle, please bestow on me some small ration
} >> >> of your mighty intellect to enlighten your unworthy supplicant.
} >> >>
} >> >> I was just told that the proper way to drive a car was to grip
} >> >> the steering wheel at 2 and 10 o'clock.  How am I supposed to
} >> >> drive during the rest of the day?
} >>
} >> Please respond soon, so I can get back to this supplicant!  He says
} >> he needs to drive to work tomorrow.
} >
} >And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} >
} >} Simple -- tell him to take off his shoes and hold the steering wheel
} >} with his toes.  Not only will it keep him limber, it will provide
} >} amusement to every traffic cop in the precinct.
} >}
} >} You owe the Oracle a video of him trying to parallel park.
}
} You owe the oracle what he said.


534-10    (5eka2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr. Oracle,
>
>       Our records show that you are delinquent on your payments for
> the Lifesize Lisa Pleasure Doll, Deluxe Model (with all attachments).
> You have not payed your monthly fee for 3 payment periods running.
> You still owe $8923.34 on the Doll, plus interest.
>
>       If we do not receive the three months back payment within the
> next 72 hours, we will slash your credit rating, and then send our
> Collection Man over to take the Doll and anything else in your house
> that he takes a liking to.  His name is Guido, and you'll recognize
> him by the fact that he has no nose.
>
>       Thank you for your time.
>
>                       Sincerely,
>
>                       Ricky "Fingers" Spazinni
>                       Immortal Collection Agency
>
>                       ("We'll get your money even if the person is
>                       dead.")

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Spazinni,
}       My records show that you have already sent Me this letter
} once before.  The Oracle does not appreciate harassment, and
} therefore I refuse to send your pathetic doll back.  Your
} pet monkey Guido is going to lose a lot more than his nose when
} he tries to poke his lack of one into my pad.
}
}        Thank you for taking up my valuable time again,
}
}                  Insincerely,
}                           Usenet Oracle
}
} P.S
} I put the following advertisement in the Herald Tribune :
} Lisa Pleasure Dolls fake their orgasms!  And they refuse to pay
} their share on dates!  Their price is as overblown as their
} bazoomas.  And what's more, Spazinni couldn't collect a phone
} call!


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