} It's nice to know that there are some observant supplicants around,
} yes, I use "ORIGATE" toothpaste, for that whiter than white, glow in
} the dark, illuminate the unwashed, smile. A snip at $10 a tube,
} available from Oracle Enterprises Ltd. (Warning: May disolve some
} mortal's teeth)
} Horoscopes, are an ancient, and once accurate, method of fortune
} telling and character assesment, this method have been passed down from
} generation to generation, from the dawn of time without change, which
} is a pity, because the star signs themselves change and over the years
} the horoscopes are now increasingly inaccurate, which is why they only
} now work for a few people.
} Today you are indeed fortunate, because the great, wise and omniscient
} Oracle, will enlighten you as to what the modern zodiac should be.
} There are now seven signs in the zodic, as 3 of the old ones have been
} destroyed by cataclysmic events, one wore out due to over use, and one
} was eliminated when I <ZOT>ed it. (I've never liked Aquarians.)
} The consequence of this is that the remining signs have had to be
} re-aligned and re-named, as I am the great Oracle, I have assigned
} these new names and symbols thusly:
} Name: BIC Symbol: The ball point pen.
} Dates of birth: Jan 4th to Feb 19th
} People born under the sign of the biro, are often great writers
} or philosophers, and are associated generally with people who
} have a poor grip on the real world. 27% of the inmates of mental
} institutions are of this sign.
} These are the sort of people who build castles in the air, and a
} significant percentage also try and move in. They are examples
} of great unreliability in relationships, and always run out on
} you when you least expect it.
} Next week:
} Not a bad week, points to watch for are:
} Monday: 3:42 pm Look out! someone will try to shoot you.
} Wednesday: 1:12 pm Don't have the soup, the chef spat in it.
} Saturday: 10:22 am Check though your shopping receipt, it's been
} added up wrong.
} Name: CASIO Symbol: The calculator
} Dates of birth: Feb 20th to April 11th
} People born under the sign of the calculator, are often great
} mathematicians, physicists, accountants, actuarys and cricket
} commentators, there is a very strong correlation between extreme
} dullness and this sign. John Major, is one of the few famous
} Most 'CASIO's are tired and weary all of the time, and are always
} metaphoricly searhing for the 'new set of batteries', that they
} hope will put some energy back into their life.
} Next week:
} A typically dull week, nothing much happening. The high points
} of excitement are:
} Thursday: 3:28 pm You will forget to put sugar in your coffee.
} Saturday: 10:12 am You find *three* misprints on the same page
} of your paper, a new record !
} Name: REEBOK Symbol: The trainer
} Dates of birth: April 12th to June 2nd
} People born under this sign, are the sort of people who care more
} about the name on a product, rather than it's use. These people
} will buy anything with a designer label on it, and will drive a
} flashy car (eg. Porche, BMW etc.), but be completely unable to
} park it properly.
} Quite a lot of these people willingly subscribe to 'Readers
} Digest' and actually find a lot of the articles interesting, They
} also frequently drop foreign words and phrases into conversation,
} because they believe it makes them sound sophisticated. These
} people are despised by everyone who isn't also a 'REEBOK'.
} Next week:
} A bad week.
} Monday 8:12 am Disaster! you discover your neighbour has a newer
} Porsche than you.
} Tuesday: 9:15 am Another disaster!, the label on your designer
} sweatshirt has come off in the wash, so it must be
} Friday: 11.48 pm Worst of all!, someone points out at a party
} that your Porsche sunglasses are fakes, you almost choke
} on the vast assortment of fruit skewered on cocktail
} sticks in your drink.
} Name: CRAWLER Symbol: The snake
} Dates of birth: June 3rd to July 25th
} People born under this symbol are the down trodden 'yes' men in
} any organization, there only hope of climbing the corporate
} ladder is to hang around the boss, agreeing with everything (s)he
} says and stealing ideas from you fellow workers.
} 'CRAWLERS's never make mistakes, because they never do anying.
} The effect on the work-place when one of these people leaves, is
} normally completely unnoticeable. The 'CRAWLER's favorate hobby
} is back-stabbing.
} Next week:
} A typical week.
} Monday 10:00 am The new design plans proposed, by the boss are
} Tuesday 10:00 am Your boss has been replaced, It's a good job,
} considering how bad those awful plans were.
} Wednesday 10:00 am The new boss as made new plans, you tell
} every one how wonderful they are compared to the nasty
} old ones.
} Friday 10:00 am Your old boss is reinstated, you explain that you
} wanted him back all the time, and could you have a
} glimpse of those marvelous plans again?
} Name: HOOVER Symbol: The vacuum cleaner
} Dates of birth: July 25th to September 18th
} These are the people who are *obsessivly* clean and tidy. The
} sort of person who will give you a cup of coffee, and then clear
} it away and wash it up, before you have even tasted. You would
} not be allowed to walk on their new carpet without removing your
} The furniture in their house still has the plastic wrapping on it
} in order to keep it clean. The shelves are full of twee china
} ornaments, which are all dusted twice a day. The kitchen is
} spotless, it is not possible to leave a plate unwashed for more
} than 10 seconds.
} 85% of all cleaning products are bought by people of this sign.
} The garden will be neat and tidy, the grass will be mown 4 times
} a day and then combed, so that it all lies in the same direction.
} The busiest time of year is autumn, when 'HOOVER's go out and
} pick up every leaf that falls in there garden, and sort them into
} type and store them accordingly.
} Next week:
} An average week.
} Monday: 8:02 am The paper boy has failed to put the newspaper
} exactly 8.27 inches through the letter box and
} perpendicular to the door, as per your instructions. You
} ring up and complain.
} Wednesday: 5:32 pm You notice a small piece of moss growing on
} your roof, you climb up to remove it, and while you're up
} there you polish all of the tiles with furniture polish.
} Friday: 11:32 pm Disaster! You hold a party, and 3 people drop
} crumbs on the floor, despite you asking them not to.
} Name: PINE Symbol: A pair of short planks
} Dates of birth: September 18th to November 22nd
} This is the sign of the 'intellectually challenged'. The world
} is an exiting and wonderous place, for them, as each day they
} learn something new, such as how to tie their shoe laces, how to
} switch on the TV, and many other things that they were shown two
} days ago.
} Most 'PINE's spend all day watching game shows and soaps on TV,
} and believing what the advertisments tell them. Many of these
} people enjoy office life, as they can spend all day, playing with
} the telephones and riding down the corridors on their chair with
} Next week:
} Tuesday: 7:05 pm The man on the TV tells you to stay tuned.
} Thursday: 10:20 am The boss calls to ask why you weren't in work
} yesterday. "Becuase the man on the TV hasn't said I can
} stop watching~
} Friday: 4:29 am You are rung up by a man offering shares in IBM,
} BCCI and Maxwell publishing, at very good prices, you
} buy all you can afford.
} Name: WHOOPS Symbol: The broken vase
} Dates of birth: November 22nd to January 3rd
} This is the sign of the clumsy and careless, these are the people
} that spill more coffee than they drink. Typically these people
} buy brown carpet so that the stains from spills don't show.
} It is best to keep these people away from sharp or fragile
} objects as it will inevitably lead to an accident. Under no
} circumstances should they use power tools, as many casualty
} departments are aleady having trouble coping with the steady
} stream of 'WHOOPS's.
} Many of them own VCR's but have never actually recorded what they
} wanted, as they invariably loose the instruction booklet and set
} the VCR to record the wrong channel, at the wrong time or both.
} They should never be trusted, to do electrical work, almost
} every power glitch you experience, is caused by a 'WHOOPS'
} shorting (himself) across the power.
} Next week:
} Monday: 8:34 pm Repeair the mug you broke with super-glue.
} Monday: 8:56 pm Casulty department are busy trying to seperate
} your hands.
} Tuesday: 9:22 pm Water that damn house plant, before it dies.
} Thursday: 8:12 am Left car in reverse gear, start up and drive
} (though the doors) into your garage.
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the date and time of your birth.