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Internet Oracularities #536

Goto:
536, 536-01, 536-02, 536-03, 536-04, 536-05, 536-06, 536-07, 536-08, 536-09, 536-10


Usenet Oracularities #536    (49 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 21 Feb 1993 00:10:36 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   536
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

536   49 votes 69df6 dce73 35mc7 4gl71 35chc 37md4 06hec 17eed 27me4 aa9g4
536   3.2 mean  3.1   2.5   3.3   2.7   3.6   3.2   3.7   3.6   3.2   2.9


536-01    (69df6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@hew.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderous Oracle who art so computationally expensive,
> For whose operating system a connections machine was purchased,
> Who can compute the answer to any question no matter how ill phrased,
> Tell me oh Oracle,
>
> Why can a can can can but an elephant can't?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Who says a can can can can?
} In fact, a can can't can can, tho it can cha cha.
} Cancha dig the diff twixt can can and cha cha?
} Cans can cha cha, pans can can can, pots can tango con brio.
} Elephants can Twist, but only in Kansas,
} where farmers can the rhubarb.
}
} You owe the Oracle a trip to Cannes.


536-02    (dce73 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In your infinite wisdom, tell me why I cannot see the Fnords.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}


536-03    (35mc7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who never pays an overdue fine, please answer
> my humble question:
>
> What's the deal with noise and librarians? Why is it a
> constant "shhh!" with these folk? They make me want
> to go into the stacks and scream. Can I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Many people do not realize that librarians are not human, although
} many of them do look the part.  Librarians are a separate and
} ancient species (homunculus bibliensis), possibly descended from the
} common halfling (homunculus baggensis, extinct).  It is theorized
} that the proto-librarian was primarily a subterranean cave-dweller.
} While the modern species has adapted quite well to bright artificial
} lighting (although generally unable to tolerate UV radiation of
} direct sunlight), h. bibliensis is still highly sensitive to noise.
}
} Screaming would be highly unwise.  H. bibliensis, although by nature
} gentle, can turn vicious if threatened.  More than one undergraduate
} has been found mysteriously buried under an avalanche of bound
} issues of the Federal Register.  Believe me, you do not want to
} antagonize these creatures in their own habitat.
}
} (Marlin Perkins steps from behind a screen showing film clips of
} librarians at work and play)
}
} These marvelous, mysterious creatures may seem familiar to us all,
} but there is still much we do not know about the silent librarian.
} They, and all the inhabitants of the librarian's realm, are just
} part of the (cue music) wonderful Wild Kingdom.
}
} (Cut to Mutual of Omaha logo)
}
} You owe The Oracle your overdue fines, paid in full.


536-04    (4gl71 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wise Oracle, whose knowledge of LAN's is so great that you
> can decode ethernet packets simply by looking an oscilloscope.
>
> Our network seems to have been infested with evil network spirits, good
> packets trying to get through are being caught and sacrificed by these
> demonic creatures in pagan ritual offerings.
>
> I managed to exorcise one segment using an HP LAN analyser, and because
> I had installed holy bridges between the ether segments, which restrict
> the movement of these network spirits, I am able to send out this plea
> for help.
>
> Already the tranceivers are benning to glow an evil red, and are
> starting to smoke, what should I do now ?, it's only a matxer of txme
> befxre xheyxbrexk txrouxh axx txxe xxerxxhexxntxxe xxtwxxk.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your network has been invaded by the evil demon Reflection
} Coefficient. The exorcisim ritual for this particular demon
} is quite complex - in fact, I am probably the only one who
} knows it. I would be happy to do it for you but, unfortunately,
} it requires an assistant. The only one who could be my assistant
} is Lisa and I... well, I sort of taught her how to do a Mobius
} Strip last night and she won't recover for quite a while. Sorry.


536-05    (35chc dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help, O savior of prosimians!
>
> I accidentally let a lemur log onto my computer account.  Now, every
> time I type a command, the only response I get is "frink".  Except
> when I try to crash the machine, in which case I get "core frinked".
> What do I do?
>
> (I'm writing to you on a friend's account.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The party of medical students grew excited as they followed Doctor
} Hartmann down the final sterilised, white-walled corridor that led
} to the high security wing of Indiana State Mental Asylum. "This is
} gonna be the chance of a lifetime!" said Julia Kovic, psychiatry
} student prodigy and part-time model.  "You bet!" said her friend
} David, "The most bizarre case of paranoid delusion and psychotic
} insanity in medical history, enough to write volumes on, and we're
} about to see it!"  Doctor Hartmann tapped in the security code
} and the steel doors hummed open.  "I must caution you now, be very
} careful how you speak to this man.  If you wish to ask him a
} question, make sure it's very inoffensive.  If provoked he is
} likely to enter a fit of rage which, believe me, you won't have
} seen the like of before."  The group walked in uninterested fashion
} past the cells of Gruesome Gripper Graham, strangler of over one
} hundred young virgins, and Marcus MacCallum, who ate his bank
} manager's brain infront of a whole queue of account holders (some
} of whom wanted to thank him afterwards).
} "Here we are" said Dr Hartmann.  "Patient Bob, as we call him.
} We never managed to get his real name out of him."
} "He was admitted in 1993, wan't he?" asked Julia
} "That's right.  After going on a killing rampage through several
} zoos and national parks all over America.  It took the FBI weeks
} to track him down, and he somehow managed to wipe out half the
} lemur and woodchuck population of America.  He also incinerated a
} large number of police officers with his bizarre home made gun
} before he was finally caught."  The group peered in awe through
} the wide toughened glass window of the cell.  A figure was sitting
} with his back to them, both arms tied behind him in a restraint
} jacket.
} "How are you, Bob ?" said Dr Hartmann.  The figure snapped his head
} around to reveal sharp, crazed eyes and a handsome face contorted
} into a furious expression.  "Shut thy mouth, O worm.  I am called
} the Oracle, THE USENET ORACLE, damn it!"  "I'm sorry, Bob, but
} there is no such person in the birth records."  said the Doctor.
} "That" said the Oracle "is because I was born when the genes of
} your ancestors were still floating around in primordial SOUP!!".
} Dr Hartmann turned back to his students.  "It's OK, we've caught
} him in a pretty good mood.  Who wants to ask him a question ?"
} Julia raised her hand first.  "What makes you hate woodchucks and
} lemurs, Oracle ?"  The Oracle's eyes flared. He boomed : "They are
} the servants of Satan, malicious imps placed here by the Dark One
} to destroy the work of the Oracle."
} "Why do you think Satan is victimising you ?" quizzed Julia.
} "Because God gave Me the cushy job, while Satan has to spend
} eternity in a sulphurous pit listening to politicians screaming in
} torment and begging for another chance."
} "But woodchucks and lemurs are harmless, friendly little creatures!"
} The Oracle smiled grimly.  "My child, do not meddle in the affairs
} of the Omniscient and Omnipotent, for you would make a fine kebab
} and wash down well with a Diet Coke."
} Julia would not give up with her rational probing.
} "If you are omnipotent, how come you don't just break out of here?"
} "Break out ?!  I came here DELIBERATELY!!!  This place is a HOLIDAY
} compared to the questions I was starting to get from alt.fan.lemurs
} and the Cult of Woodchuck."
} Julia smiled.  She was beginning to *like* the Oracle in a strange
} sort of way, although she still thought he was insane.
} One of the students behind her was whispering to a colleague.
} "How much would you think it costs to run this place ?"
} "What ?" asked the other, who was hard of hearing.
} "I SAID HOW MUCH WOULD -"
} At that moment Julia saw the Oracle's worse side.  Only for a
} split second, that is, before the she and the whole Asylum were
} obliterated and sent flying in small chunks over a thirty mile
} radius.  The Oracle's blissful holiday was over;  he emerged from
} the ruins of the Asylum and trudged off in the direction of
} Indiana University.


536-06    (37md4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    The Oracle has seen your question, even though the file was blank.
}
}    Yes, she is pregnant.  Yes, you are the father.
}
}    The Oracle suggests Northwest Airlines, they have reasonable rates
} and service to many cities.
}
}    You owe the Oracle and EPT test and 20,000 frequent flier miles.


536-07    (06hec dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Huh?
}
} > A, U!
}
} Oh.  Hi there, supplicant.
}
} > I C U R O K.
}
} Yes, yes. Enough grovelling.  You still owe me a dozen
} jelly donuts from your last question.
}
} > I 8 M 4 U.
}
} No no no. _I_ wanted to eat them!  You still owe me a
} dozen jelly donuts.  Now what's your question.
}
} > Y?
}
} Oh for crying out loud!  Doesn't anyone read the FAQ?
} All right, here it is again, for about the umpteen-
} millionth time:
}
} The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} You question was:
}
} > Y?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Y not?
}
} > O.
}
} You owe the Oracle a can of alpabet soup (and _don't_
} eat it yourself!)


536-08    (17eed dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Oracle, who is taller than even a
> *very* tall person, and upon whose fair
> countenance I am unworthy to gaze, please
> bestow a pearl of Your Wisdom on me,
> undeserving though I am.
>
> What exactly is a BTU tax, and does it
> mean that my thermal underwear will
> have to go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One BTU is equal to 252 calories.  So a BTU tax is obviously a tax on
} food.  The way it will work is this:  let's say the government charges
} a 6% BTU tax.  You go to the grocery store to stock up on your favorite
} supplies.  You go to the check-out line which now has three people
} working it, the cashier, the tax-collector, and the bagger.  The
} cashier runs a bottle of pickles to the tax collector.  The tax
} collector marks off 6% of the bottle with a white grease pencil, sits
} the bottle on its side, then chops off his share of the item with a
} very large axe, spraying glass and vinegar across the store.  He sweeps
} his share into his collection bin, and passes the driping remains of
} your bottle to the bagger, whose hands and fingers are completely
} bandaged.  The cashier passes some light bulbs to the tax collector,
} who prepares to chop off his share.  Wait! you say, there's no calories
} in light bulbs!  Do you have a baby? the collector asks.  Well, yes,
} you say, but I don't see--  Then it'll put em in its mouth, the
} collector replies, and meticulously shears the tops off the bulbs.  In
} the next isle, the cashier shouts out, Cool Whip, contents under
} pressure!  Everyone drops to the floor just before there is an
} explosion and sweet white goop covers the customers.  And so forth.
}
} Just feel lucky.  You should see how a country near you has implemented
} the head tax!


536-09    (27me4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Magnificent and all-knowing Oracle, I grovel before you and comb the
> pile of your shag carpet with my unworthy teeth!  I'm discouraged,
> Great Oracle.  I'm distressed by the state of the world, and fearful of
> growing old -- but most of all, I'm REALLY afraid my disk controller is
> going out.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Much as you might not want to believe it, your sweet and innocent disk
} controller is at that "going out" age.  At first, she'll probably go
} out with some SCSI old disk who'll take her out to a drive-in, where he
} won't be able to keep his sectors off her.  But after your disk
} controller realizes what a loser he is, she'll start choosing her dates
} more carefully.  Eventually, she'll go out with some nice, clean-cut
} optical disk drive, who might not look like much on the outside, but
} has a lot of good inside.  They'll soon get married and start producing
} minidisks, whom you can watch grow...2"...3 1/2"... 5
} 1/4"...8"...almost right before your eyes.  One day, they too, will
} reach that "going out" age.
}
} That's when you start feeling old.
}
} You owe the Oracle a photo album.


536-10    (aa9g4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> y

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} y~


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