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Internet Oracularities #537

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537, 537-01, 537-02, 537-03, 537-04, 537-05, 537-06, 537-07, 537-08, 537-09, 537-10


Usenet Oracularities #537    (50 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 23 Feb 1993 18:23:34 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   537
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

537   50 votes 4hj82 46ih5 23ejc 7ak85 4gn52 177kf 9eh82 39dg9 25eja 38gda
537   3.2 mean  2.7   3.3   3.7   2.9   2.7   3.8   2.6   3.4   3.6   3.4


537-01    (4hj82 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wise Oracle, whose culinary expertise is so great that he
> can make 5 loaves and 2 fishes serve *10,000*.
>
> I cooked a meal for some friends last night, and one of them used the
> phrase "nice, but too much garlic" to describe it.  Have you any idea
> what this strange phrase "too much garlic" might mean ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O unworthy and unwashed supplicant, relative to whom a not-yet-cleaned
} fish ranks among royalty.
}
} Many people who use the phrase "too much garlic" have been known to do
} yet stranger things in their spare time.  Dangerous things.  Things you
} probably wouldn't want your daughter to find out about, even though you
} know she eventually will anyway.
}
} Look for these telltale warning signs:
}
} o Your friend has an unexplained aversion to mirrors.
}
} o Your friend bears a striking resemblance to Bela Lugosi.
}
} o Your friend bears a striking resemblance to Gary Oldman.
}
} o Your friend is more likely to be awake during the night than during
}   the day.  (Then again, this may simply mean they're a computer geek.)
}
} If your friend displays two or more of these symptoms, it may be in
} your best interest to keep a wooden cross handy, preferably one with a
} sharp point.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sprig of wolfsbane.


537-02    (46ih5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I find myself in times of trouble, The Usenet Oracle comes to me,
> speaking words of wisdom, let it be.  I know you usually dispense
> answers, Mr. Oracle sir, but instead I'm asking for a favor.  I just
> got my final divorce papers and could really use some comforting.
> Could you persuade Lisa to, uh, show me some tenderness and, er,
> compassion tonight?  I'd ask you to do it yourself, but that's not my
> orientation.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gosh, poor guy.  Well, if he thinks that'll cheer him up, I guess
} it's worth a try.  Oh, LISA?  Could you come here for a minute?
} *smoooch*  Hi, love.  Look, we have a rather distraught supplicant
} here, and he'd like to be shown tenderness and compassion, get it?
} All right, let's show him.  Supplicant, watch closely.
}
} [Several minutes of tenerness, compassion, cuddling, slurping, odd
} noises, and astonishing gymnastics later, Lisa and The Oracle
} disentangle.]
}
} There, how was that?  Do you feel any better yet?  Uh, why are you
} hanging like that from the rafters?  Hello?  Hello?  Oh dear.
}
} [Requiescat in pace.  Moment of silence.]
}
} You owe The Oracle nothing.  I will <ZOT> your spouse's attorney in
} your memory.
}
} [Exeunt omnes.]


537-03    (23ejc dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who is grander than the grand canyon, leaner than the leaning
> tower of Pisa, holier than Woods Hole, wider (and worldlier) than the
> Wide World of Sports, please condescend to answer this supplicant's
> lowly query...
>
> I heard the following news on CNN today (I am not making this up):
> When asked whether they preferred sex with their spouses or a tidy
> house, 99.9% of men preferred sex, while
> 46%   of women preferred sex,
> 42%   of women preferred a tidy house,
> and 12% couldn't decide.
>
> Can you explain this difference to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a clear case of a poorly phrased question yielding useless
} statistics.  Note that it is contrasting an activity (sex) with an
} achievement or state (tidy house).  If the question were phrased as,
} "Do you prefer being sexually satisfied or having a tidy house" then
} the results would be as follows:
}
} 99.95% of men prefer being sexually satisfied
}  0.03% of men prefer having a tidy house
}  0.02% of men are undecided
} 69.69% of women prefer being sexually satisfied
} 18.31% of women prefer having a tidy house
} 12.00% of women are undecided
}
} 69.69% just so happens to be the portion of the female population
} which have ever been sexually satisfied in their entire lives.  Now,
} had the question been phrased as, "Do you prefer having sex with your
} spouse or cleaning house" then the results would have been:
}
} 99.98% of men prefer having sex
}  0.01% of men prefer cleaning house
}  0.01% of men are undecided
} 22.50% of women prefer having sex
} 65.50% of women prefer cleaning house
} 12.00% of women are undecided
}
} Note that 12% of women are undecided in every poll.  The fact that
} almost two out of every three women prefer cleaning house over having
} sex can be understood by examining the two activities more closely
} from the woman's point of view.  Fortunately, I am able to do this by
} flipping my gender switch.  There.  Now, in having sex with their
} spouses, most women look forward not to sexual satisfaction, but to
} being pawed, pinched, and grabbed by a clumsy oaf who thinks that
} qualifies as foreplay.  This is followed by having your clothes pulled
} off you unceremoniously and being forced down on your back, often on
} some uncomfortable surface such as a carpet or kitchen table.  Then
} this, this hairy whale, who smells like he hasn't had a bath since
} your wedding day, climbs on top, squeezing your air out.  He forces
} his way in, sweats on you for a total of five to fifteen minutes,
} grunts the name of some slut he saw in a magazine, and rolls over on
} his back to fall asleep!
}
} So much for sex.  Now, cleaning house.  Since most of you men never
} participate in this, you have no idea what a ... sensual experience
} this can be.  Take vacuuming, for example.  You rhythmically push and
} pull the vacuum back and forth, stroking the carpet.  The vacuum hums
} and throbs, its voice filling your entire being, until the vibrations
} build up to a crescendo and ... oh, yes, YES!
}
} I need to flip that gender switch back, but not just yet, it's too
} sensitive to touch.
}
} You owe the Oracle a three-speed Hoover Deluxe with automatic height
} adjustment.


537-04    (7ak85 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come no one dies on G.I.JOE?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Isn't that just typical?  Another pointless and yet grovelless
} question.  Without even a "Dear Oracle" or a "By your leave, madam,
} please drop your pants" this snivelling worm has the audacity to ask
} Me a question concerning a fictional cartoon show that is really a
} half-hour advertisement for violent toys that number in the
} thousands but are yet sold separately.
}
} Bummer.
}
} But, since the Oracle used to HAVE  A  REAL  GI  JOE (you know, back
} when he was fully articulated and was a whopping 11.5 inches tall),
} I'll answer your question.
}
} The answer is: money talks.
}
} See, the entire point of the GI Joe show is to (get ready for a
} nasty shock) SELL MERCHANDISE!  The show is aimed directly at small
} children because the GI Joe producers know that they will, simply
} through screaming incoherently roughly as loudly as a 747, convince
} their parents to buy anything they want.  If you plant the idea in a
} child's mind, he will scream until his parents buy a small, European
} country for him.
}
} Sadly, the networks feel that showing death and violence on TV only
} glorifies these acts (violence, not screaming) and therefore have
} forbidden them to be shown on the show.  So the GI Joe writers
} bought a whole shit-load of those magic rubber bullets that they use
} in South Africa to calm down those blacks and coloreds who are
} engaging in subversive acts such as standing on street corners and
} eating but never get hurt by the bullets except for the ones who are
} obviously closet hemophiliacs and burst into sprays of blood at the
} slightest provocation.  Plus that nobody on the show can hit a barn
} with a large rock.
}
} So now we have not glorified violence and the TV dudes are happy
} because they haven't made children into maniacs and the GI Joe
} people are happy because they are dirty stinking filthy rotten rich.
}
} And the kids, of course, now think that guns are toys and people
} don't get hurt for real when you shoot them.  But given some of the
} things that one sees on the streets today, maybe it's just as well
} they don't know that yet.
}
} You owe the Oracle one of the REAL GI Joes, and a return to a
} happier time.


537-05    (4gn52 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I understand the Usenet Oracle knows all about the movement of heavenly
> bodies.  (No, that wasn't a Lisa joke!  I mean planets, stars, etc.)
> I have heard stories about the chances Earth will get hit by a comet or
> asteroid, possibly making humans as extinct as dinosaurs.  What's the
> truth, Oracle, is Earth going to be devastated by impact with another
> celestial object, and if so, WHEN?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nervous Supplicant,  I will forgive you the missing grovel, because I
} can tell you're very upset about all this.  True, the Earth is due to
} be smashed by a comet in 2156 --  on March 12, at 12:32 pm GMT, to be
} exact -- but you'll be long-dead by then  (sorry, but SOMEONE had to
} tell you) and shouldn't worry about it.
}
} However, since you are obviously the sensitive type and are worried
} about your great (to the tenth generation) grandchildren,  I'd like you
} to know that space technology in the 22nd Century will have developed
} to the point where scientists will be able to deflect the comet without
} incident.  In fact, the event will be quite a sensation and amateur
} astronomers by the millions will be watching it.
}
} Incidentally, one of your many-times-great grandaughters will be on the
} team that re-routes the comet and will be awarded a Nobel Prize for her
} work.  Nice gal, 5'10", asian eye folds, blonde hair, good figure, and
} bi-sexual like everyone one else in her century.
}
} You owe the Oracle a comet sighting.


537-06    (177kf dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O teller of all tales:
>
> What is the story of Little Red Riding Hood and the Woodchuck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}               Little Red Riding Hood and the Woodchuck
}               as told by The Oracle through the segment
}                          Fractured Fairytales
}                     As Seen on Bullwinkle and Rocky
}
}      Once upon a time, there was a little girl by the name of Sally,
} who was affectionately known by her friends, relatives, and the IRS as
} Little Red Riding Hood. We will try to be a little more formal, though,
} and call her Sally, because she really liked the name Sally.
}
}      Anyways, Sally was told by her mother to go and give some food to
} her mother, which was grandmother to Little Red... er... Sally. Sally
} agreed, and she was on her way.
}
}      While Sally was skipping through the woods, there were a pair of
} eyes staring back at her, unbeknownst to Sally. She continued on her
} way, singing a merry tune.
}
}      All of a sudden, from out of the woods, there was a loud roar,
} followed by a small furry rodent appearing from the forest.
}
}      "Goodness gracious", exclaimed Sally, "What was that?"
}
}      The rodent stood on it's hind legs, and spoke (as if this happens
} all the time in fairy tales)
}
}      "I am the ferocious woodchuck, and I am going to eat you for
} supper" exclaimed the rodent.
}
}      "Huh? I thought woodchucks could only chuck wood". Sally was
} definately confused.
}
}      "No no, mam", the woodchuck replied, "Woodchucks do not eat wood.
} Anyways, it's the wolf's day off, so I decided to fill in for him. Now,
} surrender, or I will be forced to use force!"
}
}      "Never!" cried Sally, and she rushed past the woodchuck, and ran
} on her way to grandma's house.
}
}      "Hmmm" thought the woodchuck, "This'll require some stradgedy."
}
}      The woodchuck quickly scampered off into the forest, and, taking a
} shortcut, arrived at grandma's house way before Sally could.
}
}      Wasting no time, the woodchuck kicked grandma out of her house,
} and proceeded to dress up in grandma's clothes.
}
}      An hour later, Sally arrived at grandma's house. She walked over
} to grandma's bed, and looked at her.
}
}      "Grandma, you've lost a lot of weight!" exclaimed Sally.
}
}      "Yes, because I'm STARVING" replied the woodchuck.
}
}      "Ok, Ok... Here are some...........wait a minute. Grandma, why do
} you have beady little eyes?"
}
}      "Well, ummm... Too many late nights reading books without
} sufficient lighting."
}
}      "Oh... Ok... here are some..........wait a minute. Grandma, why do
} you have a pointed little nose with whiskers?"
}
}      "All older women get pointed noses... and those whiskers are nose
} hairs."
}
}      "Ewwww. Ok.... here are some...........WAIT! Grandma! You have
} sharp little teeth! You're the..."
}
}      "That's right little girl! I'm that mean nasty woodchuck! I'm
} going to eat you up!"
}
}       "But how can you Mr. Woodchuck... You're supposed to like wood."
}
}       "NO No No No NO! I hate wood. Ever since that tongue twister,
} people have thought that woodchucks like wood. I hate wood!"
}
}       "Tongue Twister? What tongue twister?"
}
}       "How much wood would a wood chuck chuk if a wood chuck could
} chuck wood?"
}
}       Suddenly, a huge blast of energy and fire engulfed the woodchuck.
} With a firey yelp, and a loud sonic boom, the woodchuck was no more.
}
}       "Thanks Orrie!"
}
}       From up above, a loud voice boomed "Don't mention it Little Red
} Riding Hood."
}
}       "That's SALLY"
}
}       "Sorry..."
}
} You owe the oracle the story of "The Three Bears and a Woodchuck".


537-07    (9eh82 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@hew.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me, o wise and wonderful oracle, who has never had to do a term
> paper:
>
> does art imitate life, or does life imitate art?  where do we draw the
> line?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How many times do I have to tell you?  Don't draw the lines, color
} inside the lines.  Here, put your straitjacket on now, I don't want
} you to catch cold.
}
} You owe the Oracle a full-length picture of Mona Lisa, so we can
} better tell just why she's smiling.


537-08    (39dg9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@shell.portal.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If A woodchuck would chuck wood how much wood would a woodcuck chuck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Commissioner  Sergeant? What's a woodcuck? Better contact ORACLEman!
} Gordon:       To the ORACLEphone!
}
} <Moments later, in Bane Manor>
}
} Alfred:       I see, sir. Yes, sir. Definitely a problem for ORACLEman,
}               sir. I'll let him know right away.
}
} <In the ORACLEcave...>
}
} Bobbin:       Holy rodents, ORACLEman! Could it be another Woodchuck
}               question?  Where's the grovel?
}
} ORACLEman:    Steady on, Bobbin. We can't leap to conclusions. This
}               could be a question about almost anything. Let me run it
}               through the PARSEALIZER, and see what it comes up with..
}
} Bobbin:       Holy obfuscated code, ORACLEman! It melted! What could it
}               mean?
}
} ORACLEman:    There's only one supplicant who could generate such a
}               pernicious query, Bobbin. The Woodchuck! Where would he
}               be?
}
} Bobbin:       Chucking wood?
}
} ORACLEman:    That's it, Bobbin! To the ORACLEmobile!
}
} <Later, at a bar on the wrong side of the tracks. A wooden sign with a
} drunken woodchuck carved on it swings in the breeze. The bar is called,
} "The upchuck".  ORACLEman and Bobbin pull up in the ORACLEmobile, and
} enter. The Woodchuck, a pasty supplicant with coke bottle glasses,
} enormous buck teeth, and a pocket protector, sits in the back of the
} bar. He is nursing a glass of tree sap.>
}
} The Woodchuck: So, you've finally come! Welcome to your doom, Omniscent
} one!
}
} Bobbin:       You fiend! You won't get away with this!
}
} The Woodchuck: Oh, but I will. You're standing under a bucket of
}               grade-A maple sap! And When I press this button, You will
}               be bound to the floor! And then I'll be free to chuck all
}               the wood in net.city!
}
} ORACLEman:    Not so fast, Woodchuck! Let's see how you deal with my
}               n-Cage!
}
} <The oracle whips out an undefined cage of size n+1. The woodchuck is
} hopelessly entangled.)
}
} Bobbin:       Ha! Let's see him prove his way out of that one,
}               ORACLEman!
}
} You owe the Oracle a medium sized deciduous forest.


537-09    (25eja dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle,
>
> I heard that the world as we know it is in fact only a demo version of
> the real thing. So, before I buy the real thing I'd like some
> information about which additional features it consists of.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid you're stuck with the demo.  Macrosoft, the software house
} that coded "Multi User Earth" aka "Virtual Lunacy World" went bust
} shortly after the demo version was issued.  This left rougly five
} billion players stranded in their Life-Simulator Cubicles, mistakenly
} believing that they were living real lives when in fact they were
} only playing a very realistic but ludicrous computer game.  The demo
} is a shoddy piece of work and has a lot of bugs in it.  For instance
} the "Game Over" message and hall of fame don't come up when people
} are about to kick the bucket, and many untalented players (e.g Paula
} Abdul) have achieved instant stardom by using a cheat mode that the
} programmers forgot to remove.  Geographically, the fractal generator
} screwed up and made Italy into a silly boot shape, and it also left
} unsightly great smoking holes on top of some of the mountains.
} There is also a freak character generation error that gives certain
} players weird character stats
}
} All stats inordinately high (e.g the Usenet Oracle)
} Looks : 18,   Intelligence : 1  (e.g Jerry Hall)
} Intelligence : 18    Looks : 1  (e.g this Incarnation)
}
} Incarnation : "Oh, thanks a bundle Orrie.  I expect some gratitide
}                for letting you possess me to write your answers."
}
} Oracle : "Shut up, flanel features, I'm concentrating"
}
} Congratulations by the way, your score has just shot up by 1,000
} points for conversing with the Oracle, and you are thus now a 20th
} level Computer Nerd.   Top score can be achieved by sending anything
} you own which is of high value to Me care of Stevie boy at Indiana
} University [wickedly greedy look].


537-10    (38gda dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@shell.portal.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and magnificent wondrous (You don't know...) Oracle, Please
> help! After watching one to many (what we can find) beer commercials, I
> find that the tune accompanying it has (why don't you come with me
> little girl) been permantently etched into my brain! (on a magic carpet
> ride) Please tell me how I may cure myself of this (You don't know)
> strange affliction!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O (I'd like to) supplicant, your affliction is (teach the world) a
} common one.  It (to sing) is, in fact, the (in perfect harmon)
} entire reason that (yyyyyyyyyyyy) Madison Avenue uses (I'd like to
} buy the) such songs in commercials, for (world a) every time you
} hear the song, you think of the (Coke) beer in question.  Madison
} (and keep)  Avenue constantly seeks new, catchy songs that can't be
} (it) forgotten (company).
}
} Unfortunately, (That's the song I heeeeeeear) the only cure is to
} find *another* song (what the world wants todaaaaaaay) to replace
} the one in your head.  (Cooooocaaaaaaa Cooooooolaaaaaaaa) And then
} another, and another, and another, and on and on ad infinitum, ad
} nauseam.  You might consider a career in advertising, though.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Coke.  I don't know why.


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