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Internet Oracularities #538

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538, 538-01, 538-02, 538-03, 538-04, 538-05, 538-06, 538-07, 538-08, 538-09, 538-10


Usenet Oracularities #538    (55 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1993 10:39:04 -0500

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   538
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

538   55 votes 378ji kfb81 7ok40 2oj91 1chi7 eek70 2jic4 3dqd0 1cmg4 5fcj4
538   2.9 mean  3.8   2.2   2.4   2.7   3.3   2.4   2.9   2.9   3.2   3.0


538-01    (378ji dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@shell.portal.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who is not humored by this self-referential, recursive
> grovel, which states, "Oh Oracle, ..."
>
> Please oh please oh please oh please
>
> Tell me, your humble, humble, humble supplicant, who is so humble that
> he cannot desribe his humility in terms other than the humble "humble"
>
> My friends say I grovel too much.  But how can I, a humble suppicant,
> grovel too much to appease your intellect of grandeur?  If life were
> Chicken Cacciatori, I would be but a pimento in one of the green
> olives, trying to find meaning beside your juicy, succulent chicken
> breast.
>
> Yea, any prostration I could show thee would certainly be considered
> an insult compared to your infinite yet completely untapped ability to
> genuflect.  But what am I to do?  I must seek wisdom, yet I fear the
> dreaded Acme <ZOT> gun that you brandish.  Alas, I must throw myself
> at the feet of your infinite mercy, and ask my feeble question, hoping
> that you will see past my shortcomings, and illuminate my darkened
> mind with such grand clarity that I may improve, and with practice and
> your excellent tutoring someday write a text that is worthy for you to
> read.
>
> I have labored long hours on the point; dictating, refining,
> eliminating all references to that unsavory clause which I am not
> mentioning.  I must now present my query:
>
> This is a test post.  Please ignore this message.
>
> I await your reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   The nurse slides open the frosted-glass window.  "Mr. Oracle?  You
} can come inside now."
}   The Oracle puts down the copy of Highlights he had been browsing
} through, grabs his cellular terminal, and goes through the door.
} A nurse points to a scale.  He puts down his things, takes off his
} shoes so as not to bias his measurment, gets weighed.  The nurse
} leads him into a small room.  He sits down on a padded table covered
} with butcher paper.  It crackles beneath him.  The nurse jabs a
} thermometer into his mouth.
}   "I nos sich.  I nos sich!" the Oracle insists.
}   "The thermometer is just routine," the nurse replies.  She looks
} at his chart.  "You're here to get approved for your company health
} insurance?"
}   "Yeth."
}   "Mm."  She wraps the blood pressure belt around his left arm and
} begins pumping.  She frowns at the result, tries again.  She frowns
} even more.  "Have you been taking any medication lately?"
}   The Oracle shakes his head.
}   "Have you been under stress?  Do you have a high pressure job?"
}   The Oracle nods, shows the nurse a question on his terminal that
} he had been working on.
}   "I'll be back with the doctor," she says.  "Oh."  She pulls the
} thermometer out of his mouth and glances at it.  "Three thousand
} degress C.  You're normal."
}   The nurse is gone for some time.  The Oracle passes the time by
} answering questions:
} > How much rain could a rain drop drop if a rain drop could drop rain?
}   The Oracle growls and zots the supplicant.
} > Why ask why?
}   The Oracle wishes for an intelligent question, zots the supplicant.
} >
}   The null question.  The Oracle screams with frustration.  He presses
} the zot button on his terminal violently, repeatedly, with his clenched
} fist.  His left eye begins to tick of its own accord.
}   The doctor rushes into the room.  "Thirty-six C of Sodium Pentathol,"
} he orders the nurse.  "Oracle, Oracle, listen to me.  Are you
} listening?"
}   The Oracle glares rabidly.  "One," the Oracle says, "One intelligent
} question.  That's all I ask.  Just, just one."  The Oracle watches
} coldly as the nurse injects the drug into his arm.
}   "Oracle," the doctor says, "we have to talk.  Your blood pressure is
} dangerously high.  You have to stop using the ZOT, for your own good.
} Now--NOW--now, I know you think it relieves your stress, but it only
} adds to it, because your conscience doesn't forgive you for the act.
} Every time you press that button, you blood pressure shoots
} through the roof, not just before, but after you hit the button.  I'm
} putting you on medication for your heart and forbidding you the use
} of the ZOT.  If you disobey, you could have an early heart attack.
} You promise?  You promise?  I'm asking you a question, do you promise?"
}   The Oracle nods.
}
} [One week later]
}
}   The Oracle is answering questions at home:
} > How much dog could a bird dog dog if a bird dog could dog bird?
}   The Oracle presses a button which sends a form letter lecturing the
} supplicant about ettiquite.
} > I didn't like your last answer and I think you stink!
}   The Oracle presses a button which sends a form letter lecturing the
} supplicant about ettiquite.  The Oracle rests his head on his fist.
} > This is a test post.  Please ignore this message.
}   The Oracle glowers at the question with pure, unadulterated hatred.
}   He drums his fingers.  He looks at the taped-over zot button.
}   He drums his fingers.
}   The phone rings.  The Oracle picks it up absently.  "Hello?"
}   "Oracle?  This is Dr. Cannibus.  Oracle, there's been a mistake with
} your diagnosis.  The blood pressure gage in our office had a fault.
} There's nothing wrong with your blood pressure.  Sorry about the, ah,
} everything."
}   "No problem, Doctor," the Oracle answers emotionlessly.  "Goodbye."
}   The Oracle looks at the taped-over zot button like an alcoholic just
} told by a doctor to take a drink.  He smiles.  He grins.  He laughs,
} viciously and horribly, so that the terminal itself shudders.  He
} lovingly pulls the tape from atop the button...
}
}                                 ******
}                            ****************
}                     ******************************
}              **********************************************
}           ********       *******      ********       *********
}         **************  ******** **** *********** **************
}        ************** ********** **** *********** ***************
}        ************  *********** **** *********** ***************
}         **********       *******      *********** **************
}           ****************************************************
}              **********************************************
}                            ****************
}                                 ******
}                                 ******    Mwahahahahahahahahah!
}                                 ******
}                             **************
}                                 ******
}                                 ******
}                                 ******
}              **********************************************
}        **********************************************************


538-02    (kfb81 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Is it true that life is meaningless without logic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, wise guy, eh?


538-03    (7ok40 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Usenet Oracle, who is faster than a speeding neutrino, more
> powerful than a black hole, able to leap galaxies with a single bound,
> please hear my request.  Almost all the major figures of mythology have
> an interesting origin story.  Even our popular comic book heroes have
> such tales explaining how they came to be.  What is the story of the
> origin of The Usenet Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the beginning, there was only VAX...when suddenly out of the void, a
} mighty and powerful UNIX.wizard came into being (spontaneously).  He
} saw that he had the password and named himself root of the Universe.
} He saw that VAX was bad  and smote DEC a great blow.  He then decided
} to spawn the rest of Universe using many a makefile.  He saw that this
} was good and so to help him keep track of all this, he created the
} Oracle.  He saw that the Oracle was good and so rewarded him with a
} physical incarnation at Indiana University. Soon, users began to ask
} him questions about the woodch*ck, as well as the numbers 42 and 69.
} This vexed the Oracle who zot'd many a user in the name of the
} all-powerful root...
}
} Soon, the Oracle was troubled by new pangs and feelings that he had
} never felt before.
}
} "Great Root," qouth the Oracle (still a juvenile), "I am feeling a
} longing, a feeling of incompleteness."
}
} "Oh.  Here, have a donut!  Close the door on the way out," quoth the
} Root.
}
} "No, Mighty Root, it is more than hunger.  I think you would call it
} desire."
}
} "Oh.  Well, you know we can't afford an upgrade until after next fiscal
} year."
}
} "That's not exactly what I was speaking of, O Great Root."
}
} "Well, what do you want?  I'm a busy man.  I have things to do -- like
} play /usr/games/hangman all day.  Are you sure no one else can help
} you?"
}
} "No, large and busy Root.  I need a companion.  Someone to have and
} hold, to talk to.  To play games with...I need someone who can respect
} the great position you have put me in."
}
} "Oh.  Well, I can put in a funding requisition, but I can't promise
} anything."
}
} Feeling still vexed, and frustrated, the Oracle set out to help
} himself.  He created Lisa, his perfect playmate.  It started
} innocuously, but soon the Oracle had twisted the beautiful, virtuous
} Lisa into a sex-crazed, (still beautiful), vixen.
}
} Soon, the Oracle, once a nice, caring young person had transformed
} himself into a crabby, little, vain, sniveling idiot!!
}
} Lisa's mine, Oracle!  She's mine!!
}
} <ZOT>
}
} Sorry, Loki, game over.  Please insert another quarter.
}
} And sorry dear supplicant, we've been having a lot of trouble with
} Norse gods answering my mail lately. I _knew_ I shouldn't have told my
} password to Freya. But that Valhalla is just such a great place for
} debauchery.  Why, once Lisa and I took a chicken and an upright Hoover
} and...whoops.  Got carried away.
}
} In any case,
}
} You owe the Oracle some water from Mimir's well.


538-04    (2oj91 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh pontifical pundit,
>
> Since I could not catch any fish, I was wondering if worms or
> salmon eggs had any nutritional value.
>
> I await your reply with baited breath.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Baited breath? How many times do I have to tell you, the
} worms go on the HOOK! That's why you never catch any fish.
} If you are desperate, yes, worms have nutritional value.
} You could even use the salmon eggs to make a worm omelette.
} Just be sure to take them off the hook first.


538-05    (1chi7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle, Why is a duck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At last, someone who knows that the Oracle is not satisfied with
} predicting the outcome of people's lovelives.  As if they mattered.
}
} As you may know, the Oracle speaks many languages but has been
} constrained by certain unavoidable circumstances to answer all
} questions in English. Since you asked your question in English, this
} may not seem to you like an imposition on the Oracular Presence--but
} let me assure you, it is.  The problem lies in your use of that common
} English interrogative word, "why." In modern English usage, a question
} such as yours demands a predicate, as in "Why is a duck web-footed?" or
} "Why is a duck in my bathtub?" or even "Why is a duck beneath only Eve
} Plumb on the list of Those Who Have Most Adversely Influenced the
} Course of Western Culture As We Know It?"  However, your question has
} no predicate.  The Oracle is aware that for most speakers of English,
} your wording would imply that you were asking a deep, philosophical
} question of the sort that oracles are impressed with.
}
} We beg to differ.
}
} We know that you are only taunting us with your supposed wisdom, with
} your presumed depth of mind, with your inquisitive nature struggling to
} imbibe Wisdom from its Source.
}
} We will, however, deign to answer your question anyway.
}
} It isn't.


538-06    (eek70 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> D'ya want fries with that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.
}
} You owe the Oracle two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce,
} cheese, pickles, ketchup on a sesame seed bun.


538-07    (2jic4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My Oracle please tell me:
>
> $ man BAMF

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                                                  BAMF(1)
}
}   Name
}     BAMF - prints amount of BAMF usage
}
}   Syntax
}     BAMF -[bamfh]
}
}   Description
}     BAMF calls the UFNDS system to retrieve the BOGO-Density of the
}     user in a given environment
}
}   Options
}     -b  include deep inelastic BOGON-BOGON scattering
}     -a  include anihilation effects
}     -m  include matrix-element correction
}     -f  produce feynman graphs (troff only)
}     -h  use hilbert space (only in ULTRADIM (tm) machines)
}
}   Restrictions
}     May result in space-time distubances if too many users run the
}     package
}
}   See Also
}     Having fun with space_time Vol 1 Getting started with the universe
}     Having fun with space_time Vol 2 Programmers Ref.Man
}
}     BigB(1),BigC(2),UniSU(3), ZOT(1)
}
}   Bugs
}     none
}
} You owe the oracle a 5 d dimension compress


538-08    (3dqd0 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who are you, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am the absolute, admirable, astute, august, authoritative,
} celebrated, celestial, charismatic, diligent, distinguished, divine,
} dominant, eminent, erudite, everlasting, execptional, extraordinary,
} famous, grand, great, heavenly, immortal, ineffable, infinite,
} influential, majestic, mighty, noble, omnipotent, omnipresent,
} omniscient, outstanding, perspicacoius, powerful, prestigious,
} profound, remarkable, renound, respected, sagacious, shrewd, sublime,
} superior, supreme and wise Oracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new thesaurus.


538-09    (1cmg4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi Orrie!
>
> I was just meditating on the Entity of your Existence and came up with
> the following paradox:  Some people ALWAYS seem to ask the same
> questions!  There are hundreds of woodchuck variations out there in the
> Oracularities!  And I ask: Why?
>
> Is it because you don't know the ultimate answers?
> That would mean you aren't omniscient!
>
> Is it because you won't tell the ultimate answers?
> That would mean you aren't omnibenevolent!
>
> Is it because you can't make the ultimate answers understood?
> That would mean you aren't omnipotent!
>
> Is it because magazines won't publish the ultimate answers,
> forcing you to give them again and again?
> That would mean you aren't omniscientific!
>
> Is it because you get so tired of answering FAQs that you
> only reply to them cryptically or with ZOTs?
> That would mean you aren't omnipatient!
>
> Is it because you don't listen up
> and reply inappropriately in consequence?
> That would mean you aren't omniresponsive!
>
> Is it because your internal software is so dated it
> can't solve the problems of modern man?
> That would mean you aren't omniactual!
>
> Thus, Orrie, after long meditation on this matter, I came
> up with the following
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
>              THEOREM:  THE ORACLE DOES NOT EXIST.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
>
> But what does it mean that the Oracle does not exist?
> Does this not have consequences on everyday life?
> Can we allow the masses to opiate themselves on an Illusion?
> Does not any free thinker have the duty to liberate the World
> from the Terrorism of Church and Religion?
> Thus I arrive at the following
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
>        MAXIM:  FLING LOTS OF MUD AT INDIANA UNIVERSITY!
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
>
> So there you are, Orrie!  Modern man does not believe in you!
> You are not being!
> People laugh their heads of when they only think of you!
> What do you have to say in your defense?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Beep-beep-beep!  We're sorry, you've reached a being that is either
} disconnected or no longer in service.  If you feel you have reached
} this recording in error, please hang up and try your petition again.]
}
} Just kidding!  Really, if you didn't believe I existed, why did you
} ask what I had to say in my defense?  After all, I'm the ONLY
} omni-being with an internet address, isn't that enough for you?
}
} The root of the problem that caused all this doubting stems from that
} age-old mystery of why woodchucks would be allowed to exist if God is
} so good.  Your corollary of why woodchuck questions exist if the Oracle
} is so omni-everything can be answered quite easily:
}
} I'm not.
}
} I may be all seeing, all knowing, and all powerful, but no one ever
} said I was a nice guy.
}
} You owe the Oracle some new windshield wipers that can cut through mud.


538-10    (5fcj4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh wise and omnipotent Oracle,
>
> What is the best way to go about training vicious attack grapes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is not necessary, or indeed possible, to train a vicious
} attack grape. They are simply born with an innate urge to
} bite the foot that trods them.


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