[IO]
Internet Oracle
24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 9:29:07 GMT

Internet Oracularities #539

Goto:
539, 539-01, 539-02, 539-03, 539-04, 539-05, 539-06, 539-07, 539-08, 539-09, 539-10


Usenet Oracularities #539    (53 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 28 Feb 1993 14:23:57 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   539
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

539   53 votes 6mj60 7ei86 5lg74 2dkd5 dfe92 0alg6 08jl5 9hf84 2cpc2 0jq71
539   2.9 mean  2.5   2.8   2.7   3.1   2.5   3.3   3.4   2.6   3.0   2.8


539-01    (6mj60 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ooops, that should have read 'askme', not 'tellme'.
> ^H ^H ^H <DEL> <BACKSPACE> ..Yer turkey..
>
> ^Z^Z

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ooops, that should have read 'Not to worry,' not 'Zot to worry.'
} If I'd been running on the old (slow) cpu, I'd have had time to
} interrupt the job, but, hey, that's progress...


539-02    (7ei86 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Tell me oh great and wonderous being:
>
>      What is the use of the material that is found in my navel each
> moning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Save it!  Save your bellybutton fluff, Mortal.  Bellybutton lint is
} a prized commodity.  Clothing made of bellybutton fluff is worn by
} Kings!  Throughout History, it was a Truely fortunate Princess that
} had even the merest garmet of bellybutton fluff as a dowery.  A
} small cap of bellybutton fluff is a fortune.  A shirt is a duchy.
} A coat is worth a nation.
}
} You are fortunate, Mortal.  Few have the power to produce this
} fine material.  As it grows, Mortal, pluck it gingerly from your
} navel and save it somewhere safe.  Protect it from those you would
} steal it, and those, such as moths, who would eat it.  Most
} importantly, protect it from contamination by alien substances such as
} pocket fluff. Pocket fluff reduces the value of bellybutton fluff to
} nothing.  After some time, you will amass enough of this fine wool to
} begin work on the garmet of your choice.  You will need to spin the
} fibers into a thread. Weave the thread into a cloth.  Craft the cloth
} into a garmet of beauty.  This garmet of bellybutton fluff shall make
} you rich and bring you fame.
}
} Beware Mortal!  This gift you possess to produce this valued fiber
} can also bring great pain.  Those who have power will try to capture
} you and force you to produce the precious fluff for THEM!  You are
} a valued commodity, Mortal.  Beware.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Designer Bellybutton fluff Toga.


539-03    (5lg74 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great one tell me if I were to grovel more where would it get me in
> life? If I were to fill your every pleasure would it please you?  If I
> were to tell you that I beg of no one would you care?  This I ask of
> you.  And what do you call what a pig is doing when it is in a plane,
> stupid.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello ?   Did you *hear* me ?!
}
} -Just a moment, Sir, you've called the wrong department.  I'll put
} -you through to customer services.
}
} No, no, I don't want to speak to another secretary, dammit, I want
} to give that stuck up twerp you call the Oracle a piece of my mind.
}
} Hello ?
}
} [ 30 second pause while the supplicant fumes ]
}
} -Customer services, how may I help you ?
}
} Put me through to the Oracle.
}
} -The Oracle is busy right now.  How may I help you ?
}
} I have a complaint to make about groveling, and it's personal.
}
} -Sorry Sir, you want our grovel department.  I'll put you through
}
} I DON"T WANT THE ****ING GROVEL DEPARTMENT!
}
} -Hello, grovel department.  How may I help you ?
}
} Oh, I give up.
} Alright, listen up.  I want you to tell the Oracle I beg to no one,
} I am no one's inferior, and he's an overblown prick.  Got that ?
}
} -Sorry Sir, it appears you want the insult-the-Oracle department,
} -I'll put you through.
}
} AAAARGGGHHHH!!!
}
} -Hello.  Insult-the-Oracle department.
}
} [The supplicant reels off the longest stream of obscene language ever
}  to be heard on earth ]  Tell  him  that!
}
} -Finished ?
}
} Yes.
}
} -Good.  <ZZZZZZZZZOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!>
}
} -You see I receive all complaints of this nature personally.  And
} -take them personally too.  Have a nice day!


539-04    (2dkd5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle whose auspicishshshshes intellect I have not
> hailed for a long time, but who I must consult as our news
> feed is full, tell me this
>
> What must I do to relieve my boredom.
>
> Spon
> ^X

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear befuddled Supplicant, your spelling of "auspicishshshshes" makes
} me suspect you are already trying to relieve your  boredom in your own
} inimitable way.  In fact . . . phew!  . . . I can smell the fumes from
} here.  Use some air freshener, would you?
}
} Now then!  Find a piece of paper -- a couple of inches square will do
} -- and a pen,  pencil, or felt tip.  I'll wait . . . *tum*  *ti-tum*
} *ti-tum* . . . Got it?
}
} Good!
}
} On one side of the paper, carefully  write these words:
}
}                       How to relieve boredom
}                       (Read other side of paper)
}
} Done that?  Good!  My, you ARE a quick one!
} Now, turn the paper over, and on the blank side of the paper
} carefully write these words:
}
}                       How to relieve boredom
}                       (Read other side of paper)
}
} Put your writing implement down.  Take several deep slow breaths.  Now,
} just follow the instructions on the paper.  Get back to me when you've
} finished.
}
} You owe the Oracle some of whatever you were using when you spelled
} "auspicishshshshes."


539-05    (dfe92 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Earday Oracleay, osay omniscientay anday omnipotentay,
>
>   Iay avehay eenbay earninglay atinlay oughthray aay
> orrespondencecay oursecay orfay ethay astpay everalsay
> onthsmay.  Ou'dyay ebay urprisedsay atay owhay eapchay
> omesay ofay esethay oursescay areay.  Owhay oday ouyay
> inkthay ethay essonslay areay oinggay?
>
>   Anksthay orfay ouryay imetay.
>
>                 Ouryay aithfulfay upplicantsay,
>
>                                     Omtay.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I hinktay our'eay eingbay ippedray ffoay.  ryTay a egularray
} extbooktay. oodGay igpay atinlay.


539-06    (0alg6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                                        Gee Whiz Technologies
>                                        6549 Gee Whiz Blvd
>                                        Reston, Virginia 22091
>
>                                        19 February, 1993
>
> The Usenet Oracle
> University of Indiana
> Indiana, USA
>
> Dear Sir:
>
>      I am president of Gee Whiz Technologies.  We specialize in
> developing extremely cool computer applications.  Of course you already
> knew this being omniscient.  As you also know, some of our recent
> successes have been the navigation system for the space shuttle, a "war
> games" simulator for the Department of Defense, the so-called smart
> house, and of course, are the technical lead on SDI.  We are interested
> in striking a deal with you, Mr. Oracle.
>
>      As you are a resident of Indianna, and presumably a US citizen,
> we at Gee Whiz Technologies (GWT) wish to appeal to your sense of
> country. Being the technical lead on SDI, we are much interested in
> your ZOT power.  In fact, we are so interested, we are willing to pay
> out the nose for it.  We desire source code, naturally.  We plan to
> implement the ZOT power into satellites, war planes, guns, and
> children's toys. There is a great market for such commodities.  Name
> your price, Mr. Oracle, and we will match it.  We even will agree to
> provide you with free updates.  Do your country a favor, Mr. Oracle --
> donate ZOT to the SDI program.
>
>      I hope that you find our offer appealing.  Should you be
> interested in discussing contractual terms please contact me at the
> above address.
>
>                                    Sincerely,
>
>                                    Charles Alan Nerdowitz
>                                    President, Gee Whiz Technologies

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Charles Alan Nerdowitz
} President, Gee Whiz Technologies
} 6549 Gee Whiz Blvd
} Reston, Virginia 22091
}
} Dear Mr. Nerdowitz,
}
} I am surprised you decided to write to me and make that cheap appeal to
} my patriotism, when you must know that I am aware 78% of  Gee Whiz
} Technologies is owned and controlled by foreign interests.
}
} In fact, having glanced over the Gee Whiz Annual Report (which will be
} written in four months -- remember I'm omniscient) I have uncovered
} some fiscal discrepancies that had not yet come to my attention.
}
} I have taken the liberty of advising the U.S. Attorney General to
} carefully scrutinize the Gee Whiz Technologies holdings in Iraq, Cuba,
} China, and Afghanistan.
}
} In closing, I would like to say that any further attempts by GWT to
} utilize the <ZOT> technology will be met with a rigorous response and
} actions for patent infringement.
}
} Sincerely yours,
} Usenet Oracle
} moose.cs.indiana.edu


539-07    (08jl5 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, who is so smart that he makes mensa look like a group
> of morons, tell me what happened to that really good question I had
> to ask you, but just seemed to slip my mind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Didn't you check your pockets this morning?
}
} The question _was_ there......it fell out when you pulled
} some change out for the coffee truck, and got run over shortly
} thereafter by the truck, an Acura, a Chevy Nova and a Ford Aerostar.
}
} It was pretty chewed up by then, but a sharp-eyed woman named
} Clarissa saw the question and picked it up without reading it.
} She stuck the question in her pocket and proceeded to her desk.
}
} Later that morning.......
}
} Clarissa realized that she still had the question and finally pulled
} it out and read it.  She had a difficult time reading through the
} treadmarks, but did make out just about all of it except the bit just
} before "could chuck wood".  There appeared to be a bit of repetition
} in there, but she could not be sure.  Being a biologist specializing
} in rodentia, she theorized that the answer was probably
}
}       W(c) =  w * 2
}               -----
}                 pi
}
} where W(c) is the amount chucked, in cords (as opposed to denim)
} and  w is the weight of the woodchuck, in kg.
}
} However, since she wasn't bored enough to test her theory, she used
} the question as a coaster for her coffee and discarded it later that
} day.
}
} You owe the Oracle an apology.


539-08    (9hf84 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most almighty Oracle, whose talents in all languages excel
>   natives...
>
> Pourquoi ne reponds-tu jamais a mes questions ecrites en
>   Francais?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Porque, no lo QUIERES francois!


539-09    (2cpc2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, who art so wise ...
>
> Just how much is "a little bit"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Well, a "little" bit is, of course, smaller than a normal bit.
} And, since a bit is a binary digit, then obviously, the only smaller
} thing is a unary digit.  More properly called a "unit", but often
} refered to by laymen as "a little bit"...  Of course, it is a pretty
} useless thing, since it is always set to 0, and can have no other
} value...
}
} You owe the Oracle a nybble, a byte, and an unsigned long int...


539-10    (0jq71 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ohh, wonderful Oracle, smarter than the average bear,
> whoes virtual shoes I am not even worthy to lick...
>
> A subject which has been a lot on my mind in recent times, is why
> are fish smarter than dogs?!?. I mean, this has always been a known
> fact throughout history, but given the considerations of some of the
> worlds greatest thinkers (ie Satre, Descartes, etc...) who claim that
> neither are the smartest and the title of 'most smart animal' should
> instead be given to a small green patch of mucus living on the belly
> of the south american 'wrindelwoodlegyx'. The 'wrindlewoodlegyx' is
> little known to the outside world, but I am informed that the locals
> think highly of the jelly that can be made by twisting its beak...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sartre, schmartre, what does *he* know about these things?!
}
} The Oracle could make a pun about fish traveling in schools, but we
} omniscient beings are above such low forms of humor.  The answer to
} your question is that fish are clearly smarter than dogs.  For
} example, they are much better at playing dead, which results in them
} being flushed down the toilet to... FREEDOM!!!  The Oracle's dog, on
} the other hand, is adept only at tail wagging and soiling the rug.
}
} You owe the Oracle one pair of virtual Birkenstocks.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org