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Internet Oracularities #54

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54, 54-01, 54-02, 54-03, 54-04, 54-05, 54-06, 54-07, 54-08, 54-09, 54-10


Usenet Oracularities #54    (offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 13 Nov 89 22:10:44 GMT

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54-01    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I give Lisa a vanilla pastry, will she be my janitor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As an easy way to answer Lisa-questions, the Oracle will now change
} Itself into Lisa.
}
} First, the lovely body...a bit of a tight fit, this little brain, for
} the Oracular Mind...errmph...ah, there we are.  Mmmm, nice!  Apart from
} the cramped skull, it's very comfortable in here.  But the Oracular
} expression doesn't look right on this pretty face.  On goes her
} superficial persona...  ouch, much too tight...that's better.  Well I
} look and act like Lisa now but I don't know how how much she'd do for a
} vanila pastery.  Let me change the Oraculur self so it's just like hers,
} okay?  Oooh its cramped in here...  Hi Im Lisa now and Im the
} net.goddess!  You dumb nerd!  I dont like vanilla pasterys and I wouldnt
} be anybodie's janitor for anything.  This dumb Oracle is trying to make
} me back into it but Im Lisa and Im a goddess and you cant be me aand
} iblfk;hg; jfg .,, ; Ah, it feels good to stretch the Oracular Mind
} again.  What a pity there's so little room upstairs...what a stupid
} woman.  You can't appreciate how stupid Lisa is until you've been her.
}
} Well, the Oracle is back to normal now, and thinks that Lisa has about
} the right intellect to be your janitor if you're not too fussy about
} cleanliness, but she won't take the job.


54-02    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Lisa really a pillow-kicker from New York?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa, being the net.sex.goddess, is the true essence of eroticism, and
} appears to an ordinary mortal in a form that embodies that person's
} deepest needs and desires.
}
} Lisa appears to you as an ex roller-derby queen with a jeep and two
} Dobermans.  She has "Born to Mince" tattooed on her arm, and engages in
} practices that make the stuff on alt.sex.bondage seem tame.  Her pointed
} boots are used for kicking submissive buttocks, not pillows.
}
} You owe the Oracle a membership in the "Fetish of the Month" club.


54-03    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When did Charles De Gaulle fondle Mao Tse-Tung?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Never.  However, Madame Chiang Kai-shek did furtively try to fondle
} DeGaulle in Paris in 1948 (he was, after all, a truly great Gallic
} symbol, though not as big as the Eiffel Tower), but was rebuffed with
} one icy glare from the great man.


54-04    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can I stick a Tarot-loving penis up Queen Victoria's arse?
> (Not necessarily my own).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well now, there are several requirements to be passed in order to
} attempt such a action.  First, if it not your penis you intend to use,
} you need to get permission from the owner of said penis, form
} 36543-1234/p.  Second, since Queen Victoria happens to be dead, you will
} your basic exhumation(sp?) form 383982/72392-UK.  Now, assuming you have
} gotten permission to use above said penis and have dug up ole' Vicky,
} you will have to fill out an experimental use of public/private property
} form #42356/23/3.  Finally, if you are conducting this act a private
} citizen, then you will need a experimentation permit, #46544(make sure
} to substitute the word lab with graveyard, bedroom, or where ever happen
} to be doing this act).  All of these form, in sectetriplicate(sp?), need
} to be on my desk on or before the fifth day preceding said act.  Oh BTW,
} if someone else is going to see you do this, you will also need a
} performers license, unless he is assisting you(such as holding the
} corpse still).
}
} You owe the Oracle 8 x 10 glossies of a film or video tape of the event.


54-05    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There's a machine here that has a hole in in that says, "Insert Penis
> Here." I did, and it bit my penis off.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} See a good plastic surgeon about building a replacement member.  It will
} have to have a semirigid implant or a hydraulic system, and it won't be
} much fun to use, but at least you'll be able to reproduce.  Gender-
} reassignment surgery usually uses penile skin o form a pseudovagina, so
} that's probably out of the question even if you want it.
}
} If enough of a stub is left of your member, it might be possible to
} reroute your urethra temporarily, and have a silicone bag of saline
} solution put into the stump.  By gradually filling the bag with saline
} over a period of months, enough new penile skin might be grown that
} either a hydraulic phallus or a pseudovagina can be built.  No telling
} whether the innervation in the new skin will be sufficient for much
} sexual pleasure, though.  This skin- growing technique has been used
} successfully to grow large areas of hairy scalp on bald men, but to the
} Oracle's certain knowledge, never for penile reconstruction.
}
} Good luck, and don't go sticking bits of yourself into Spring Loaded
} Death Vaginas.


54-06    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh great oracle,
>   how is can I attract several large marsupials into a vat of steaming
> k-y jelly to engage in fun filled frolics with fat bearded women, they
> are needed for my young republicans party I'm throwing this weekend.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle perceives that you are a Dukakis Democrat trying to besmirch
} the not-really-that-good name of the Young Republicans.  Young
} Republicans' parties are actually quite boring -- a bunch of geeks
} sitting around getting quietly drunk on Coors (God, what an awful beer!
} the only decent beer they've ever produced is Winterfest), or a bunch of
} frat boys standing around getting noisily drunk on Coors, with a tiny
} number of beautiful, haughty girlfriends owned by the richer and
} less-geeky of the guys.  The girls have noses made by plastic surgeons,
} exquisitely made-up faces that hide their freckles and zits, and $100
} hairstyles.  The level of political discussion is about 8th- grade.
}
} In fairness, the ADA meetings aren't much better, and the level of
} political discussion is about 3rd-grade, consisting of worship of
} totalitarianism and utterly puerile views on everything.  But the broads
} are better, if you steer clear of the granola dykes, and you can
} sometimes get pot instead of beer.


54-07    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is having lingerie catalogs sent to my address?  The models in them
> are pretty good-looking, and I want to thank my benefactor.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh mighty oracle:  Do you remember the time you were up in the
} cabin with your buddy and two girls up in the mountains outside
} of Boulder in 1969.  And do you remembe{ that you you wound up
} schtupping one of the girls while your buddy got to schtupp the
} other?  And do you remember how amzed you were that the girl
} underneath you just lay there utterly without moving while you
} pumped mightily away?  (Thereby giving new meaning to the old
} saying, "There ain't no motion to the ocean.")
}
} Well the reason she seemed so utterly without physical response
} response was that unbeknownst to you, you were indulging in
} transtemporal fucking, and all that dick that you were pumping
} into her went clear into 1989 where she has only now begun to
} buck and writhe.
}
} I hope this makes everthing clear.


54-08    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have this great urge to tear out my balls.  I know I will be hurt so I
> do not.  Will the application of BenGay to my right ear lobe cure this
> problem.  That is what it says in the Annals of the American Medical
> Society.  Please help.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Definitely not!  You should stop applying that BenGay IMMEDIATELY.
} I think you misread that sentence in the AAMS.  It says:
} "Condition:  Autocastraphilia
}  Symptoms:  Urge to surgically remove ones own testes
}  Treatment:  Do NOT apply BenGay to the right earlobe.  This is a
}              common misconception that could actually worsen the
}              condition.  Stop applying BenGay; if condition persists
}              consult a physician.
}  History:  ACP originated shortly after the invention of BenGay, which
}            was developed by a deranged quack who intended to jeopardize
}            the continued existence of the human race by persuading men
}            to use the drug.  BenGay actually complicates the production
}            of testosterone, a male reproductive hormone, causing the
}            man extreme pain.  He then naturally craves the destruction
}            of his heterosexual traits, hence the name of the drug."
}
} BenGay:  Just say NO!


54-09    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was reading one of my favorite works of interpersonal interaction, a
> charming journal called Red Hot Couples, and I came across a little note
> scribbled in red lipstick on one of the pages.  I wiped it off, and
> tried to read it, but I'm afraid I smeared it a little bit.  It said
> something like that I was under infilteration by the Organization for
> Christian Decency, and that if I didn't repaint and give them tons of
> money, they would firebomb my nose.  Should I take them seriously?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  Ignore them.  It'll serve you right when they deface your face --
} no, just teasing.  Really you can ignore them -- no real Christians
} would make such a threat.


54-10    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the guy at the terminal next to me smell so bad?  It's about to
> make me ill.  He keeps staring at my breasts as well.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And what lovely breasts they are...  Sorry about the smell...  I pulled
} an all-nighter, y'see and I haven't gotten a chance to go home and
} shower.  But what do say to a chance to REALLY look at your breasts,
} after I've had a chance to clean up?
}
} btw- do you realize the astronomical odds of me getting your question?
} Why the number is astronomical (much like my desire to reach out and
} caress your soft firm..  um..  nevermind...
}
} So is it a date?
}
} You owe the Oracle a good time (or at least don't laugh at me too hard
} when I'm naked).


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