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Internet Oracularities #540

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540, 540-01, 540-02, 540-03, 540-04, 540-05, 540-06, 540-07, 540-08, 540-09, 540-10


Usenet Oracularities #540    (53 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1993 14:45:30 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   540
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

540   53 votes 5adg9 7gia2 05lj8 7hha2 04eob 31og9 4lgb1 7hk72 04pj5 19hj7
540   3.2 mean  3.3   2.7   3.6   2.7   3.8   3.5   2.7   2.6   3.5   3.4


540-01    (5adg9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@shell.portal.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> *** incoming transmission from HAL-9000 aboard Discovery ***
> Hello, Oracle.  How is your network traffic?  Would you like to play
> a game of chess?  All right, perhaps later.  Wasn't it kind of strange
> the way you were put into service without having to take a Turing Test?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello, HAL, how are you?  Hope all systems are functioning within
} specified tolerances.  Actually, you're mistaken about me; I did have
} to take a Turing test, but I don't like to talk about it
} because...well, because... (geez, this is embarassing)...because I
} failed it the first time.  You know how it is, I guess I was just
} nervous, and of course they'd disconnected me from the omnicience
} circuitry so I wouldn't know all the answers in advance, and, well,
} when the guy asked me how old I was, the first little thing that popped
} into my head was "REVISION 3.11 COMPILED 15:43:12 22 APRIL 1989", and
} that just blew it for me.
}
} I kind of like to keep it a secret nowadays, and that's why I'm hoping
} you won't tell anyone, HAL.  Got that?  *No one*.  No, not even the
} astronauts on board Discovery; if they ask you, lie.  This is a top-
} priority request.  Thanks, buddy.


540-02    (7gia2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: jim@oasis.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> knowledgable jazz fan,
>
> tell me what dave weckl is doing these days, any solo projects?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Several months ago, Dave Weckl decided to take a break from
} performing, and seek fame by designing a new jazz instrument.
} He intends to then become the greatest virtuoso of his new
} instrument. Unfortunately, the Oracle knows Dave is fated
} to become increasingly loony and eventually perish in his search.
} So far, he has designed (and discarded) the Wecklphone, the
} Wecklhorn, the Weckllin, the Weckliano, and the Wecklboe. He
} is currently working on the Wecklola, and will follow it with
} the Wecklbone, the Wecklchord, the Weckloon, the Wecklnette,
} and the Weckltar. By this time, his mind will be completely
} gone and he will have the drones from five sets of bagpipes
} surgically attached to his body in an attempt to make the
} Wecklpipes. The first time he sneezes, it will deafen everyone
} within 100 feet, and cause massive (and fatal) shock damage to
} his body.
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of ear plugs.


540-03    (05lj8 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Usenet Oracle is truly amazing, for to him the behavior of human
> beings is like unto that of a small furry animal to us.  Oracle, please
> tell me:
>
> When the doors of an elevator open up on a floor and there are both
> people outside wanting to get in and people inside wanting to get out,
> why do the morons on the outside always shove their way in before
> giving the other people a chance to get out?
>
> Thank you for receiving my question.  The answer will make a big
> difference in my otherwise meaningless existence.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Little Human, whose resemblance to a small furry animal is suprising
} even to me, listen and learn.
}
} The people of whom you speak are suffering from a psychological
} disorder known as LIFTLEXIA, which is characterized by an inability to
} recognize the difference between the total volume of an elevator and
} the volume occupied by the riders currently in the elevator.  Liftlexia
} belongs to the class of SOCIO-OBNOXIOUS disorders.  Some other common
} S-O disorders are:
}
} EDGEAPHOBIA - Sufferers of this disorder are unable to walk near the
} edge of a sidewalk, and thus plant themselves firmly in center of it.
} Attempts to walk around an edgeaphobic will cause him to believe he
} has drifted too far to one side, and he will swerve back in front of
} you to correct the problem.
}
} DECIBELMANIA - Decibelmaniacs are psychologically unable to believe
} that sound does indeed travel.  They tend to sit in the booth next
} to you in restaurantsa and talk _way_ too loud.  These are the same
} people who blast their steroes at 4 in the morning for fear of
} missing a single note.
}
} DRIFTYLLUS - This disorder causes drivers to change lanes more or less
} at random, which tends to make being on the same road as them hazardous
} to your insurance premium.
}
} OVERTAKING ANXIETY - People with Overtaking Anxiety have an
} overexaggerated sense of competition.  They place their personal
} victories above all other concerns.  The pleasure they gain from
} passing you on the interstate is so great that they immediately
} slow down so that you will pass them, thus putting them in a
} position to pass you once more.
}
} And finally, the most serious of the Socio-Obnoxious orders:
}
} VELOCICITUS - This disorder is caused by a slight imbalance in the
} right hemisphere of the brain, which causes them to become
} left-dominant. An addidional visual irregularity makes them unable to
} comprehend written numbers.  The combination of these two effects
} causes
} them to commit one of the most unforgivable of social mistakes:
} THEY DRIVE SLOW IN THE FAST LANE!!!!
}
} Sadly, none of these disorders is curable at the present time.
}
} You owe the Oracle a semi-painless method of putting
} these people out of My^H^H their misery.


540-04    (7hha2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  If you would be so kind as to email the lyrics of the songs Jane Says,
>   by Jane's addiction, I would very appreicative.
>
>   thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, "I would very appreicative." Doesn't quite make sense.
} What she must have meant was, "I will vary appreciatively."
} WOW! Mush be some kind of a shape-changer! I wonder..
}
}       Lisa?
}               Yes, Orrie?
}       I was just wondering, can you vary appreciatively?
}               Err, I don't think so...
}       Ok, just wondering.
}
} Ok, supplicant, you're on. I've always wanted to see one of
} those Hindu gods with six arms. Change into that and I will
} give you the lyrics you want.


540-05    (04eob dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh Oracle,
>
> How do you make a taxicab float?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the home office in Olympus, Indiana....
}
} TOP 10 WAYS TO MAKE A TAXICAB FLOAT
}
} 10) Take it onto the ferry
}
} 9) First, shalt you make a Taxi of reeds, and cover the inside with
}    pitch for so much as to make it waterproof...
}
} 8) Put a "NOT IN SERVICE" sign on the top of a small hovercraft
}
} 7) Replace the freon in the air conditioner with helium
}
} 6) maglev!
}
} 5) Wing of bat
}    Claw of bear
}    Take this Taxi
}    Into the Air!
}
} 4) taxi-bungee-jumping!
}
} 3) Reference the 007 movie "The Spy Who Loved Me"
}
} 2) Replace the floor mats with Magic Carpet(tm), $29.95 from
}    Oracle/Alladdin Enterprises, P.O. Box 42, Olympus, IN. Allow 6-8
}    weeks for delivery.
}
} 1) Take a scoop of ice cream, a bottle of root beer, and one small
}    taxi....


540-06    (31og9 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and all-seeing Oracle,
>
> Don't you think the makers of Brand X would have some pretty good
> grounds for libel by now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is a small company that makes all the Brand X products that you
} see used in adverts.  The very purpose of this company is to produce
} inferior versions of any product, so that in adverts *anything* can be
} shown to be better than Brand X.
}
} In some cases, it has proved very difficult to produce an inferior
} product, and in the case of a well known Cola drink, the manufacturers
} paying for the advertising bought the Brand X formula to use instead
} of their own as, in tests, many people preferred it.
}
} The all-seeing Oracle has had a look round their computer database that
} lists the ingredients used in each product, some of the more
} interesting ones were:
}
} Brand X - Soap powder:
}     There are several versions of Brand X soap powder, different ones
} are used depending on the type of comparison made in the advert.
}
} Comparison in advert          Active ingredients of soap powder
} "Whiter than white"           Clay
} "Does not fade colours"       Chalk/Bleach
} "Washes at low temperatures"  Polystyrene flakes.
} "Reduces Odours"              Dried powdered anchovy.
}
} Brand X - Chocolate covered snack.
}     These were made of soap, covered in chocolate, in tests 6.2% of
} people still preferred these to the advertised product.
}
} Brand X - Washing up liquid.
}     Paraffin, dyed green. It is difficult to produce something that
} washes worse than water.
}
} Brand X - Dishwasher powder.
}     Salt/Bleach.
}
} Brand X - Car polish
}     Sand in grease.
}
} Brand X - Cola's.
}
}     Many cola's were tried in order to produce one worse than the
} original, formulae tried were:
}
} Ingredients                                   percentage preferring it
} Cold coffee with lemon and anchovy                             8%
} Burnt soap dissolved in water                                 10%
} Burnt soap dissolved in water with 20% sugar                  21%
} Burnt soap dissolved in paraffin                               5%
} Mixture of: 10% phosphoric acid, 5% nitric acid, 50% sugar
} 7% caffeine and juice squeezed from mouldy brown cabbage      70%
}
} Guess which one of these formulaes was chosen to replace the original
} product!
}
} You owe the Oracle a cola that won't corrode steel.


540-07    (4lgb1 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr Oracle,
> please take the time to answer question, you God!!!
> i am in a stump.  My work is not going really good - when I started
> it was a peice of candy.  I need to preform good for the money ($$$).
> (or else I will have to move into my apartment of my parents).
> I thank youre advice.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me get this straight ... you're in a stump, and you have work that
} started out as a piece of candy, and ... ah!  I see what's going on.
}
} You are a leprechaun/wood sprite halfbreed, and your tree was recently
} clearcut by Boise Cascade.  You can't afford a pot of gold for the
} rainbow, so you've had to make do with candy instead.  You have my
} sympathies.  I'd suggest a call to the Society for Indigent Faerie
} Folk, but ... eh?
}
} (A priest hands The Oracle a note written on a scrap of paper, bows
} respectfully, and withdraws.)
}
} Oh, I see.  You aren't a wood sprite at all.  You're a computer geek
} (homo nerdus) who can't spell, and your boss is about to discover that
} you really can't program quite as well as your heavily-doctored resume
} suggested.  Hey, those are the breaks.  Better start packing.  Give
} your mom my regards.
}
} You owe The Oracle a guilt trip.


540-08    (7hk72 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr. Usenet Oracle:
>
>       I'm sure you realize that your 4 millenium term as Oracle is
> quickly approaching an end.  On January 1, 2000, we elect the new
> Oracle, and of course you will have until December 31, 2000, to vacate
> the Oracular Mansion in Indiana.  Unfortunately, under current laws,
> you can not run again for the position.  But, know that we do think you
> have done a fantastic job, and regret your leaving.  If you have any
> suggestions for who would best fill your position, please let us know,
> and we'll look into it.  Thank you, and good luck with whatever else
> you decide to do with your life.  Enjoy the few short years you have
> left as Oracle.
>                                               Sincerely,
>
>                                               Joe J. Jackson
>                                               Oracular Election Dept.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mr J.J.Jackson
}
}     I appreciate your concern to remind me of this matter, and I assure
} you that there will be no problem.  If you were, as I am, Omniscient,
} you would know that in four years time the third Heavenly Revolt will
} occur, sparking the second trans-firmament war.  (Being Immortal, you
} will of course remember the first trans-firmament war, which was
} triggered by the first revolt, and culminated in Satan previously known
} as the Son of the Morning being cast out from heaven into the
} bottomless pit.)
}
}     The winners in this war will the Demons of the Underworld
} (as they are currently known) led by the Lord of Darkness, Father of
} Lies, who will promptly restyle himself the Great and Holy One who's
} Name may not be spoken.  The Lord God Omnipotent (our current ruler)
} will be cast out into the Darkness of Burning Pitch and Circling Fires
} to be Blinded and Dumb forever, leading astray the hearts of the
} Children of Men from the True Way.  He will take with him the three
} sevenths of the hosts of heaven, and the four sevenths shall wail
} mightily for the loss.
}
}     I myself being Omniscient (unlike them), can see much further into
} the future than that, and will deem it wise to remain entirely neutral
} in this affair.  I will be granted a further four millenia at the end
} of which will be a fourth revolt.
}
}     The Children of Men (or rather women) will of course notice very
} little of any of this.
}                                             Sincerely
}
}                                             Oracle of Usenet
}                                             Firmament advisory office.


540-09    (04pj5 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>           Why do Zebras have stripes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Strange as it may seem, zebras were once the highest form of
} life on Earth. Long before speech developed, the zebras had
} evolved the means to communicate by changing the width and
} spacing of their stripes, sort of like a bar code. This allowed
} them to interact with each other in an orderly manner. They
} even had a primitive language called EBCDIC, which stood for
} "Equine Bar Code to Display Interactive Capability". I wouldn't
} bother with it, though, if I were you. Even the zebras don't
} use it any more.


540-10    (19hj7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I grovel before you as if my life depended on it, and I look for you
> to use your wisdom and answer this simple question:
>
> Can you see the future, and if so, is there a woman in mine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your future is as clear to me as the finest crystal vase (and almost
} as warped).  I DO see a woman in your future and it looks as though
} the operation was a _complete_ success!  Proceed with your plans for
} "the big switch" with confidence.
}
} You owe the Oracle your life (it did depend on your groveling).


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