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Internet Oracularities #541

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541, 541-01, 541-02, 541-03, 541-04, 541-05, 541-06, 541-07, 541-08, 541-09, 541-10


Usenet Oracularities #541    (47 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1993 10:36:30 -0500

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   541
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

541   47 votes 6ch93 2dm46 296hd 36bha bad76 1ahc7 37fl1 4df78 25hcb 89b8b
541   3.2 mean  2.8   3.0   3.6   3.5   2.7   3.3   3.2   3.0   3.5   3.1


541-01    (6ch93 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle whose f'woop is seven hreangs long and can be bent into
> a pretzel shape, to the infinite amusement of the ladies!
>
> Weeble over at Trans-light Propulsion got hit in the head by a krkkrk
> wrench a while ago, and has since been having some strange delusions.
> He thinks that he's some sort of bipedal two-eyed creature named "Mr.
> Thedford" and lives in a place called "erth," where the oceans are made
> of salt water.  Now, Weeble has had some good ideas before his little
> accident and we don't want to lose him.  Is there any way to keep him
> from going completely over the edge?
>
> -- Gorblat

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "I will not say Weebles Wobble But They Don't Fall Down"... X 1,000
}
}   Well, over on "e(a)rth", the solution to release Mr. Thedford would
} be, according to sitcom law #54448-2939A-12 (ref. Flintstone vs.
} Femur), to strike Mr. Weeble again with the krkkrk wrench. If, however,
} according to law #3234-23-22334RG (the Charles-in-Charge clause), he
} comes back as a totally different Weeble, who keeps chasing the
} grmphknrd's all day long, use the Jetsonian rule and send him on a long
} vacation. However, by law #234235-234-234J12 (ref.
} Tiny-Toonian/Stimpsonian text), by my next letter he'll be OK anyway.
} Oh, by the way Gorblat, nice fez.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Vermiscious Knid.


541-02    (2dm46 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me the greatest one that gets fingered alot:  Why are most to all
> men shorter than 5'8?  What ever happen to tall men/
> Please don't ponder this question to long!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sorry, but you can't use the term "short" any more.  It's
} insensitive, altitudinist, and politically incorrect.  You are
} referring to the "vertically challenged."
}
} Well you see, this is a new experimental program.  Tall people have
} all sorts of unfair advantages over the vertically challenged: they
} can reach cookie jars on the top shelf, change light bulbs without a
} footstool, bang their knees getting into small cars, and so on.
} Clearly this is intolerable.
}
} To correct the problem, tallness has been outlawed.
}
} That's right.  Outlawed.  We're tired of fooling around with this
} affirmative action stuff.  Eliminating inequality in this society is
} going to require more radical action.  The anti-tallness campaign is a
} pilot.  If it works (and preliminary indicators are good), we'll
} expand it to cover those who are unfairly smart, unfairly attractive,
} and other such elitist scum.  So many sources of inequality can be
} cured with simple surgical procedures....
}
} You owe The Oracle a brave new world.


541-03    (296hd dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@shell.portal.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I watched the most recent episode of Star Trek:  The Next Generation,
> and was surprised to see Picard actually get the girl.  So what I want
> to know is, is Kirk going to slap him with a look-and-feel lawsuit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, you have correctly guessed that "Star Trek, The
} Next Generation" is a copy of an earlier production, and that
} the cast and writers have simply moved to this new production,
} but you have foolishly assumed that the earlier production
} was "Star Trek".
}
} To help you understand your error, consider the cast of STTNG:
}
} Science Officer: tin man who spends all his off-duty time
}       trying to understand his heart
} Security Officer: lion overcompensating for his previous lack
}       of courage
} First Officer: man who has a brain of sorts, but still has
}       straw for a heart
} Ship's Councillor: kind witch
} Captain: kindly old man full of platitudes, but without any
}       real magical powers
}
} Also note that the action takes place in a Bridge/Main Hall
} with large faces occasionally projected on a screen at the
} far end, and with a small room/curtain where the Captain/Wizard
} occasionally goes so the others can't see him.
}
} (It is left as an exercise for the supplicant to determine
} who wears rose-colored glasses, why Q is a wicked warlock
} rather than a wicked witch, and why the Munchkins have
} gone commercial.)
}
} So now you see why Picard will never have a romantic relationship.
} Whenever he meets a pretty girl, he sends her to Kansas.


541-04    (36bha dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle Most Wise,
>
> What is the largest prime number?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a question which has stumped some of the best minds
} in mathematics, but I will explain it so that even you can
} understand it. The first prime is 2, and the binary representation
} of 2 is 10. Consider the following series:
}
} Prime     Decimal Representation     Representation in its own base
} 1st       2                          10
} 2nd       3                          10
} 3rd       5                          10
} 4th       7                          10
} 5th       11                         10
} 6th       13                         10
} 7th       17                         10
}
} From this demonstration you can see that there is only one prime,
} and it is ten. Therefore, the largest prime is ten.


541-05    (bad76 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ---/....//----/.-./.-/-.-./.-.././/--/---/.../-//.--/../.../..//
> -../---//-.--/---/..-//.-../---/...-/.//-/./.-./-./.-/.-./-.--//
> .-/.-./../-/--/./-/../-.-./...//?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} -/...././.-././/../...//-./---/-/..../../-./--.//..//-../---//-./---/-//
} .-../---/...-/.//.  The oracle is multi-lingual.


541-06    (1ahc7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Immortal Oracle, both mighty and wise, hear the prayer of a lowly
> supplicant,
>
>      They're poisoning me. I know it. I'm a paladin, and the rest of my
> party can't stand me. They protest that I don't let them slit the
> throats of held persons, and that I don't sneak into places often
> enough. The last time I was turned into a deaf, dumb, and blind undead,
> they left me to go hunt for the treasure. And know they're poisoning
> me. I know it. What is the optimum strategy for breaking this
> conspiracy while remaining Lawful Good? How can I lovingly dominate
> every aspect of their lives? They're poisoning me. I know it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm, a difficult problem, I suspect the problem is not with the rest
} of the party, but with a higher authority. I shall see what I can do.
}
} [ The great Oracle picks up the phone and dials ... ]
}
} Oracle: Hello, look I want to talk about fixing the problems with one
}  of my most faithful followers.
}
} Person: Pardon? Would you like to book a table ?
}
} Oracle: Who is this ?
}
} Person: This the Golden Pagoda Chinese Resteraunt.
}
} Oracle: Sorry, wrong number.
}
} [ The Oracle puts down the phone and re-dials carefully ]
}
} Oracle: Hello, look I want to talk about fixing the problems with one
}  of my most faithful followers.
}
} Person: Pardon? Would you like to book a table ?
}
} Oracle: Hold on! You *are* the Dungeon Master arn't you? This is the
}  great Oracle here, and I want to talk about the victimisation of one
}  of my paladin supplicants.
}
} DM: I'm sorry, I can't discuss individual cases, how I run the games is
}  *my* business, I'm not letting you interfere again after that
}  incident with the d13 dice.
}
} Oracle: Can't you take a joke, anyway, two of that party escaped being
}  fried by the dragon. Anyway, about this supplicant ....
}
} DM: No. I'm not going to do anything. Goodbye.
}
} [ The DM hangs up. ]
}
} [ The Oracle slams down the phone, picks it up again, and re-dials
} furiously ]
}
} Oracle: Hello again,
}
} DM: Would you like to book a table ?
}
} Oracle: No, I'd like to a take-away please, I'll have crispy fried DM
}  balls, with rice, and don't worry if you don't have any, as I can come
}  round and cook them for you.
}
} DM: <Gulp!> There's no need to be like that, I'll see what I can do
}  for this paladin supplicant fellow.
}
} Oracle: It had better be good, I have some hot oil and batter waiting
}  here.
}
} DM: I can't let the other members of the party know, but I've changed
}  their poison into water. Your follower will have to *act* poisoned
}  though.
}
} Oracle: OK, that'll do.
}
} [ The Oracle puts down the phone ]
}
} You owe the Oracle the plans for a d17 die and a portion of chicken
} with bean sprouts and and egg-fried rice.


541-07    (37fl1 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most Wise,
>
> What is the meaning of the phrase "To wait with baited breath?" Where
> did this phrase come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh, humble supplicant, you have indeed asked a worthy question.
}
} To learn of the origins of this term, we must go back to the
} Dark Ages, back to the days of dragons, fair maidens, and mighty
} knights.....
}
} The dragons knew that the knights would be coming after them, to
} try to kill them.  Needless to say, the dragons did not relish
} this possibility.  Here's what they did to try to correct the
} situation:
}
} They knew that fair maidens would attract the knights, that they
} could be used as bait, as it were.  What the dragon would do is
} eat the fair maiden (mind OUT of the gutter please, thank YOU)!
}
} Once the dragon ate the fair maiden, their breath would smell like
} maiden, and they would slowly and gently breathe out to have the
} smell of maiden waft gently across the knoll, towards the
} approaching knight.
}
} The knight would approach thinking he'd get a piece of fair maiden,
} and would end up getting scorched with, you see, baited breath.
} It's really quite simple and straightforward.
}
} The Oracle requires payment in the form of 3 fair maidens and a
} case of dragon repellant.


541-08    (4df78 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, O wise and glorious Oracle,
>
> Why does it rain in the cities where there are no plants?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE ONLY LOGICAL COURSE OF ACTION
}
}       The Oracle had had a particularly trying day already.  No coffee
} had been prepared that morning, so He had had to smite an office lackey
} in order to keep the rest of them on their toes.  Then Lisa called and
} told Him her mother would be visting next week, and was bringing her
} aged schnauzer Pooky with her as well.  He had already crunched through
} three rolls of Tums that afternoon when God called and wanted to have
} Their routine weekly argument over who was more powerful.
}       Now this.
}       WHY DOES IT RAIN IN THE CITIES WHERE THERE ARE NO PLANTS?
}       The question blinked on His terminal, over and over, for three
} hours as He paced his office.  Finally, after staring at a hole in the
} rug for about fifteen minutes,  He got up, turned off His terminal, and
} left the office.
}       "Joanie, take a memo."
}       "Sure, boss."
}       "From Oracle to all personnel.  As of today, I am relinquishing
} control of these operations to God.  I plan to spend the rest of my
} eternal existence on a lovely beach in Betazed, where Lisa and I shall
} frolic in the waves until the sun goes supernova.  So long."
}       Joanie gasped.  "Boss, You can't be serious!"
}       "I am.  Joanie, do you know what it's like to have to know all
} the answers and then put them into some semblance of scintillating
} prose?  It's not very fun, and frankly, I'd rather be snorkeling."
}       "Boss, do You know what God's like?  His workers are miserable!
} They don't get any vacations, they're underpaid, and they don't even
} get free donuts on Fridays like we do!  Do You really want to subject
} us to that kind of existence?"
}       "Joanie, I'm burnt out.  I can't think anymore; I can't summon
} the answers like I could in the good old days!"
}       "When's the last time You had a vacation?"
}       "Ummmm....half a milennia ago.  I think.  I had those darn
} hemorrhoids, and the doctors told Me to take a while off.  I was back
} in two days."
}       "Take a break, boss.  Just go away for about three weeks, have
} fun, take Lisa and go off to some beach.  We'll send form letters to
} everyone explaining the situation."
}       "Really?"
}       "Get outta here, cowboy!"
}       "Wow."  The Oracle took a step, then looked back. "Hey, there's a
} question on the terminal right now--could you read it and compose a
} special letter?"
}       "Sure. It'll reach them in about two years."
}       "Great."  The Oracle strode out of the office, then popped His
} head back in.  "Chocolate donuts for everyone!"
}       He laughed, free as a child, as He drove happily home.


541-09    (25hcb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who knows more things than I could even begin to comprehend:
>
> Goedel's Theorem states that, given a logical system complex enough to
> codify elementary number theory, either some true statement must also
> be false, or some true statement must not be provable.
>
> So, I most humbly ask, is there some true thing that even you cannot
> prove to be true: is logic incomplete? Or is it inconsistent instead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has Its own way of dealing with logical paradox.
} Observe and learn!  [ The scene : the Oracle is in the hairdressers
} having a perm and blow dry ]
}
} Barber : I say, what a beautiful shine and body Your hair has.
}
} Oracle : Thankyou.  [ The Oracle pulls his undies and trousers up ]
}          Lisa will be very impressed.
}
} Barber : You know, I cut the hair of every person in this town;
}          except those who cut their own hair.
}
} Oracle : [ Looking puzzled ]  Hold on, who cuts *your* hair then ?
}
} Barber : That's the problem!  I'm caught in this damn stupid
}          paradox.  Every time I cut my own hair, logic forces my
}          hair to reappear because by the above rule I'm not allowed
}          to cut it.  If I don't cut my own hair then I *have* to
}          cut it because of the above rule.  I am simultaneuosly
}          bald and extremely shaggy!!
}
} Oracle : Yes, that would explain why their is a strange rift in
}          the fabric of space where your hair should be.
}
} Barber : You're the Oracle, surely you can help me?!
}
} Oracle : Let me see....  well, there's only one way to defy logic.
}
} Barber : What's that ?
}
} Oracle : You must bring together the most logical force in the
}          Universe, Mr Spock, and the most illogical force in the
}          Universe, the Monthy Python Fan Club.  The gargantuan
}          reaction will shatter the very fabric of Universal logic,
}          thus allowing you to cut your hair.
}
} [ The Oracle concentrates deeply and summons a number of people
}   from  another dimension ]
}
} Spock : Live long and prosper.
}
} Python Fan 1 : Nih!
}
} Spock : Nih! is not a logical sentence construction.
}
} Python Fan 2 : And now for something completely different. It's..
}
} Python Fan 3 : [ explodes in a shower of halibut scales ]
}
} Spock : You are a product of human irrationality.
}
} Python Fan 1 : You are about to be attacked by a vicious gang of
}                "keep left" road signs.
}
} Spock : Not logical, NOT LOGICAL!  Beam me UP Scotty, quick!
}
} Python Fan 2 : Eke eke eke eke ftang zzzzipthoing!!
}
} [The battle develops into a frenzy, a rising crescendo, until..]
}
}              <<<   B   O   O    M  >>> !!!!
}
} Barber : [gasps] I can cut my hair!  Praise be to the Oracle!
}
} Oracle : Anything to get out of paying your extortionate rates.
} ______
}
} The trouble is, O supplicant, you do not have the necessary
} powers to defy logic, so you'll have to spend the rest of your
} life getting confused with Goedel and other limited mortal
} intellectual material.
}
} You owe the Oracle a proof in autoepistemic logic that Mount
} Everest is two feet high and blue.


541-10    (89b8b dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Daddy, tell me the story of the Tin Woodchuck.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom, there lived a little
} tin woodchuck.
}
} The little tin woodchuck was very sad because he had no one to play
} with. So he went to the top of the mountain and asked the clouds,
} "Mister Cloud, where can I find a playmate".
}
} But the cloud was full of electrons, and the little tin woodchuck on
} top of the mountain acted just like the lightning rods on the Empire
} State Building, and *poof* that was the end of the little tin
} woodchuck.


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