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Internet Oracularities #543

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543, 543-01, 543-02, 543-03, 543-04, 543-05, 543-06, 543-07, 543-08, 543-09, 543-10


Usenet Oracularities #543    (48 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 10 Mar 1993 00:10:50 -0500

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   543
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

543   48 votes 73aia 6edc3 04bmb 15jf8 7gi52 a8ga4 5dbb8 33fbg 39p83 5jd92
543   3.1 mean  3.4   2.8   3.8   3.5   2.6   2.8   3.1   3.7   3.0   2.7


543-01    (73aia dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Lisa is tucking her five-year-old son, Hector, into bed.
>   "I don't wanna go to bed!"  Hector complains.  "I'm not sleepy!"
>   "Yes, you are, sweetie," Lisa replies firmly.
>   "But I wanna stay up and watch 'Studs' on tv!" Hector protests.
>   Lisa shakes her head and starts to tuck in his covers.
>   "Will you tell me a bedtime story?"  her son asks.
>   Lisa sighs softly, knowing she is about to miss the beginning of her
> favorite movie, Charles Bronson's 'The Mechanic'.  "Sure," she answers
> in a soft voice, "what do you want to hear?"
>   "I wanna hear the story about the Lemur, the Cow, and the three
> Weasels."
>   Lisa groans aloud.  "Why do you always want to hear that?  Don't you
> want me to tell you a new one tonight?"
>   Hector shakes his head.  "Please?  Please?  Please?  Tell me the story
> of the Lemur, the Cow, and the three Weasels!"
>   Lisa takes a breath, nods, and begins,  "Okay.  Once upon a time..."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    "...in a distant forest, there lived a Lemur and a Cow.  They lived
} together in this thatched house, which was okay, since they were not
} only in love, but were married.
}
}    "After a while, the Cow gave birth to three lovely Weasels.  They
} were beautiful and furry, and their father and mother loved them very
} much. But the Weasels did have one thing wrong with them that drove
} their parents crazy:  they didn't like going to bed.
}
}    "So one night, Mother Cow is tucking the little Waesels in bed, and
} one of them says, 'I won't go to sleep unless you tell me a story.'
}
}    "And the other two Weasels started yelling, 'A story!  A story!'
}
}    "'Very well,' said Mother Cow, 'what story do you want to hear?'
}
}    "'I wanna hear the story about Lisa and her son Hector,' says the
} second Weasel.
}
}    "And the other two Weasels started yelling, 'Lisa and her son
} Hector!'
}
}    "So Mother Cow takes a deep breath and begins, 'Once upon a time,
} Lisa is tucking her five-year-old son, Hector, into bed...'
}
}    "Suddenly the wall to the room rips open (it is a thatched house,
} after all), and the UseNet Oracle walks in.  Glancing about the room,
} he bellows, 'Enough of that.  We'll have no more stories-within-
} stories.  These infinite loops are worse than a whole diskful of
} deranged BASIC programs.  Now, the story will progress from here but
} with a different ending and a bit of realism.  Let's see, Father Lemur
} will suffer a heart attack at his next stockholder's meeting and die,
} leaving no insurance policy.  Mother Cow, you straggle from one low-
} paying and demeaning job to the next trying to support your family.
} Now, the eldest Weasel will drop out of high school and join three
} or four rock bands before becoming helplessly addicted to drugs and
} will die lonely, alone and unloved in a gutter.  The middle Weasel
} will finish both high school and business school and take over a
} successful brokerage house and be a millionaire by 27, a convicted
} insider trader by 29, and a reformed preacher by 35.  And you, youngest
} Weasel, will run away from home at age 10 and spend your life pulling
} yourself up by your bootstraps until you become famous somewhere around
} age 30 with your best-selling stories from the Lisa and Hector series.
} As for me, I'm off to *ZOT* the person who wrote this story so that I
} can live happily ever after.'"
}
}    Suddenly the wall to the room breaks open (it was only made from
} drywall), and the UseNet Oracle walks in.  Glancing about the room,
} he bellows, "Enough of that.  We'll have no more stories-within-
} stories.  These infinite loops are worse than a whole diskful of
} deranged BASIC programs.  Now, the story will progress from here but
} with a different ending and a bit of realism.  Let's see, Lisa, you
} are so awed by my appearance that you will return with me to serve as
} my concubine.  Meanwhile, Hector, you will run away from home at age
} 10 and spend your life pulling yourself up by your bootstraps until
} you become famous somewhere around age 30 with your best-selling
} stories about the Cow, the Lemur, and the three Weasels.  As for me,
} I'm off to *ZOT* the person who wrote this story so that I can live
} happily ever after."
}
} You owe the Oracle an illustrated copy of "Hamster Huey and the Gooey
} Kablooie" complete with dance steps.


543-02    (6edc3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle, we have spent the last 5 million years evolving
> an ever larger cranial capacity, but about 40,000 years ago, we
> hit some kind of snag. For some reason, we cannot increase past
> our current size, no matter how hard we try. What can we do?
>
>                                               Sincerely,
>                                               Homo Sapiens

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know, I asked God the same thing a while back.  (Actually, I didn't
} ask that question _exactly_; I said something along the lines of "Why
} did you make all these stupid people who keep asking woodchuck
} questions?")  He asked me to sit down and then he patiently explained
} the whole thing to me.
}
} You see, the human race has evolved as far as it can on a purely
} biological basis.  You have to admit, the human mind as it is, is
} pretty impressive.  There's no other biological system like it at all.
} But that's really as far as it's going to get.  The next step will have
} to be taken by you.
}
} Yes, you are responsible for your next evolutionary step!  And since
} you asked so nicely, I'll let you know what it is.
}
} You see, all animals have an unconscious mind.  It's purely
} stimulus/response, and for the basic sorts of things that animals need
} to do (i.e. cheese good, cats bad) it works OK.  It's very low-tech,
} but workable.  (The word God used was "economical".  You can't do
} _everything_ in seven days!)
}
} Then He allowed a few of the animals to develop analytic capabilities,
} and thus he formed the conscious mind.  Your next evolutionary step is
} to get rid of your unconscious mind, so that you can operate on
} complete rationality.
}
} Don't worry, your emotions won't go away.  (This isn't Star Trek, and
} you're not going to become Mr. Spock.)  The unconscious mind is not
} the source of your emotions.  It's the source of what you would call
} neuroses, psychoses, inhibitions, and all that.  People confuse emotion
} with insanity, and so emotions get a bad rap.  The easiest way to
} describe what will happen is, you will be able to form opinions without
} your unconscious mind throwing in totally irrelevant data.
}
} So you can see how it's gone so far.  The first main evolutionary step
} was the creation of the conscious mind.  The unconscious mind was left
} there to ensure a smooth transition.  The second evolutionary step will
} be to get rid of the unconscious mind.  Once that's in place, there's a
} third evolutionary step, but I won't tell you about it yet.  You
} wouldn't believe it anyways.
}
} So anyways, after God told me all this, I made a bet with him.  I said
} that the people of Earth would kill each other with nuclear weapons
} before they came close to getting rid of their unconscious mind.  I
} said that the people who ask me questions are usually just too damn
} stupid, and they would never make it.  He said some homilies about the
} basic goodness of Man and bet they would.  So we're watching to see
} what happens.
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing.  You owe it to yourself to get cracking on
} your unconscious mind.  (That's right, I don't mind if I lose.  I don't
} necessarily bet to win.)


543-03    (04bmb dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To:  Oracle
> Fr:  Oracle
>
> Re:  Five Minutes From Now.
>
>       Hi, this is you five minutes from now from your curent
> perspective.  Do yourself(myself) a favor - leave alone that shapely
> blonde girl you a going to see tantalizingly bending over the water
> fountain.  Lisa will be(was) right behind you(me) for a surprise visit
> at the office.  It would be very painful. (*OUCH*)
>
> Thanx,
>  Me(You)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To: Oracle
} Fr: Oracle
} Re: Ten Minutes From Now.
}
} Hi, this is you (me) ten minutes from now from your current
} perspective. Do yourself (myself) a favor - Don't let Lisa see the
} contents of the note that you're (I'm) going to type five minutes from
} now.  She'll be standing right behind you (me) when you (I) try and
} warn yourself (myself) about the blonde.  The fight that ensues will be
} incredible.
}
} Thanx,
}
} Me(You)
}
} PS.  Be sure and empty the batteries out of Lisa's cattleprod, and hide
} her bullwhips.


543-04    (15jf8 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who can deliver bananas bent the other way?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Scene: A five-star restraunt and truck-stop in downtown Manhattan.
} The supplcant is about to lose the most promising date he has ever
} had.]
}
} Supplicant: Waiter!
}
} Waiter: Yes, is there a problem with your steak, sir?
}
} Supplicant: How would I know?  This damn knife has its serrations on
} the wrong side!  I can't even cut my steak, let alone eat it!
}
} Waiter: I'm sorry, sir.  Could I interest you in one of our less
} cohesive venues?  A fruit cup perhaps?
}
} Supplicant: I suppose so...
}
} [Time Passes]
}
} Supplicant: Waiter!!
}
} Waiter: Is your fruit cup satisfactory?
}
} Supplicant: It's this stupid convex spoon!  All the fruit just SLIDES
} RIGHT OFF!!!
}
} Waiter: Allow me to suggest a dish free of utinsel distress.  Whould
} you like a bananna?
}
} Supplicant: Well...
}
} Waiter: I'll even have it peeled for you.
}
} Supplicant: Okay, but it had Better Be Good.
}
} [Time Passes again]
}
} Supplicant [with blob of bananna in eye]: WAITER!!!
}
} [The supplicant's date, apparently annoyed by the poor service, storms
} out of the restraunt.]
}
} [Time, tired of passing, tries holding instead and runs smack into the
} present.]
}
} Well, supplicant, if a five-star restraunt can't deliver bananas bent
} the other way, you can bet that nobody else knows how to either.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new toothbrush.  Mine only reaches the inside of
} my lip.


543-05    (7gi52 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch water?  What sort of water
> flows to the top of a hill for goodness sake?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Ahh, foolish supplicant.  Where in the rhyme does it say they went
} to the TOP of the hill to get the water?  They obvioulsy went only
} partway up the hill where some water had gathered from further up the
} hill.
}
}    Unbeknownst to Jack and Jill and readers of the rhyme was how
} fortunate it was for Jack to fall down and break his crown and Jill to
} come tumbling after.
}
}    For you see, this water they went up to get was as you know, partway
} up a hill.
}
}    When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep, they went up this very same
} hill, only higher.  Sheep, not having the sure footing as mountain
} goats soon found themselves tumbling down the hill too, only to come
} crashing into the water where they promptly drowned and sank.  The body
} of water, which had no inlets or outlets, became stagnant and
} contaminated with all sorts of nasty things.  If the happy couple had
} actually consumed the water, they would have suffered a lot worse than
} just some minor cuts and bruises.
}
}    The Oracle will spare you the graphic details of what would happen
} but suggests you read alt.tasteless if you are interested in finding
} out more.
}
}    You owe the Oracle a case of Evian and a baby elephant skin.


543-06    (a8ga4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tellme O great Oracle whose brainpower does not compete with all the
> computers on this network, please tell me this
>
> If I say to this one girl 'I love you' what will she say back?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She'll say "I can't believe it!  I've felt the same way about you
} for so long, but I haven't had the courage to say it.  I also haven't
} had the courage to do this, but now I feel like I can..."
}
} Then, he'll take off his wig, his dress, showing a hariy chest, a bra
} stuffed with Kleenex (TM) and he won't be wearing any underwear.
}
} I wish the two of you luck, and congratulations.
}
} You owe the Oracle a wedding cake with two grooms on the top.


543-07    (5dbb8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh Oracle,
>
> Should I stay or should I go now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, if you stay AND go now, you'll make a terrible mess on the floor.
} Please make your way to the nearest bathroom and go then.
}
} You owe the Oracle a laxative.


543-08    (33fbg dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ^C

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} UNIVERSE WIDE MESSAGE FROM oracle@delphi.gr:
}
} The Universe will be shutting down IMMEDIATELY for a quick reboot.
}
} Lining up all lawyers and politicians....one moment please....
} Killing all lawyers and politicians....
} Killing all other life forms....
} Imploding all solar systems....
} Stopping all electrons....
} Turning off gravity....
} Turning off light...
} Stopping time.
}
} Rebooting...
}
} [ Bloop! ]
}
} Welcome to Universe/OS version 1.01!
}
} Time restarted.... [ please check current time! ]
} Turning on light.
} Recomputing gravity constant....Recomputed!
} Waiting for electrons to respin....Done!
} Fsck-ing all solar systems.  Please wait, this could take a
} nanosecond...
}
} FSCK: WARNING: FS /Mombo/milkyway/sol/earth/na/usa/packwood already
} mounted.
} FSCK: WARNING: /Mombo/milkyway/sol/earth/na/usa/congress -
} File system may be corrupt.
} FSCK: WARNING: EXCESSIVE BAD BLKS FOUND!
} FSCK: ERROR: NO SPACE LEFT IN /Mombo/milkyway/sol/earth/na/usa/congress
} FSCK: ERROR: /Mombo/milkyway/sol/earth/na/usa/congress PURGED!
}
} FSCK: WARNING: FILE SYSTEM
} /Mombo/milkyway/sol/earth/na/usa/whitehouse/clinton
} FSCK: WARNING: UNREF waffle FILE.
} FSCK: ERROR: NO lost+found DIRECTORY
}
} FSCK: WARNING: USING ALTERNATE SUPERBLOCK AT 2600
}
} FSCK: REMOUNTING: FILE SYSTEM
} /Mombo/milkyway/sol/earth/na/usa/whitehouse/hilary
}
} FSCK: Done!
}
} Solar Systems remounted.
}
} Starting all life forms.
}
} warning: some lawyers and politicians may have been lost to /dev/null
}
} Welcome to Universe/OS version 1.01!
}
} login:


543-09    (39p83 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most lovely and beautiful oracle,
> far wiser and more proufound that I could ever
> hope to be, virtuous, tall, possibly of nordic
> heritage, high wonder, world traveller,
> more majestic than september sunflowers,
> more poignant than a child's first steps,
> lover of strong tea, chooser of the perfect
> color of paint, knower of the kama sutra,
> aware of each sparrow;
>
> should my friend drop out of french literature graduate work
> to become a truck driver? I don't know what to tell her, I have
> never seen a happy gradstudent.  And besides, just the hint
> that beauty is transitive makes me cry.
>
> I kneel in admiration.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's compare the two positions.
}
}                       Truck driver          Graduate student
}                                             in French literature
}
} Intellectual stuff:   Not much              A bunch
}
} Foreign language:     CB radio chatter      French
}
} Travel:               Rush all over the     Rush all over campus running
}                       country transporting  errands for professors who
}                       goods                 don't know your name
}
} You get to drive:     An eighteen-wheeler   A used Volkswagen Beetle
}
} Major threat to       Losing your brakes    Being run over by campus
} life and limb:        on a twisty mountain  Office of Physical Plant
}                       road                  van
}
} Job satisfaction:     Ehhh                  HA!
}
} Pays:                 Reasonably well       HA!
}
} I think the choice is obvious.
}
} You owe the Oracle a major interstate highway.


543-10    (5jd92 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> Your hiss would affright the Sphinx!
> Your eyes glow more brightly than the moon!
> You can catch every bird or mouse that ever lived!
>
> Thank you for informing me about the noisy box my humans stare at (*).
> Now I have another dilemma.
>
> Every so often, my humans take out a big, shiny ball.
> Its tail has a long hard tip, which they push around on the ground.
> As they do so, the shiny ball becomes very agitated and emits a
> disconcerting noise.
>
> I have done my best to discourage this behavior. I have laid back my
> ears and hissed, and even growled, and one time I went so far as to
> attempt to disembowel the ball with a mighty swipe of my
> beatutiful, sharp claws. I connected, but had no effect on it.
>
> In fact, I am ashamed to admit, I was so upset by my failure to stop
> it that I ran away!
>
> O great Oracle, please tell me, what am I to do about this?
>
> (*) In Oraculities 493-08

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant,...
} After great thought and several calls to the Purina 800 number, We have
} determined that there is but one way to combat the evil shiny ball,one
} way to end its reign of terror.  It involves cunning, intelligence, and
} a large vat of cheese wiz.  You see, big shiny balls have a fettish for
} the orangey goo.  Simply spread the entire jar over the surface of the
} floor, make a lot of noise to attract the attention of the beast, and.,
} just when it is about to consume the gloppy mass, jump away.  Trust me,
} it will not be able to resist, and yet, sadly, the beast is allergic as
} hell to the stuff.  Immediately it will begin to choke, and then slowly
} sputter away and die.  However, we are concerned that this is not the
} main issue here.  Perhaps it is not even an issue at all.  We are
} greatly concerned that you are suffering from acute jealousy, and seek
} to destroy the beast merely to attract attention to yourself.  If this
} is indeed the case, you should be ashamed, and banished to an eternity
} of mystery meat, meatless baked ziti, and listening to Tiffany and
} Placido Domingo records.  (don't think it couldn't happen,..the oracle
} is everywhere!)
}
} *******************************JEWELS***********************************


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