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Internet Oracularities #545

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545, 545-01, 545-02, 545-03, 545-04, 545-05, 545-06, 545-07, 545-08, 545-09, 545-10


Usenet Oracularities #545    (38 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 24 Mar 1993 00:10:29 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   545
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

545   38 votes 3k735 5caa1 8bc43 5e991 8fb13 47db3 14i96 79c82 cc932 2ic42
545   2.7 mean  2.7   2.7   2.6   2.7   2.4   3.1   3.4   2.7   2.2   2.6


545-01    (3k735 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, who ZOTs supplicants who fail to grovel.  Tell me,
> O Great One, by what means, other than ZOTing, do you alleviate stress.
> My work is getting to me.  I need to know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, thought you'd never ask.  Here's the Oracle's Top Ten List of
} Stress-Relieving Things To Do:
}
} 10)  Ponder navel oranges.  They don't have navels, really.
}  9)  Pluck thy nose hairs and throw them at your colleagues.
}  8)  Hold a pencil in front of your face, and systematically close
}      your left eye, then your right, and try to get the eraser to
}      blot out a different person with each eye.
}  7)  Get the Ethyl Merman Disco Album and BOOGIE BOOGIE BOOGIE.
}  6)  Eat some MSG.  Wonders.
}  5)  Get a baseball bat and put some new doors in your home.
}  4)  Send mail to the Oracle asking "How much wood would a woodchuck
}      chuck?"  It will transfer your stress to me.
}  3)  Call the "Save the Children" help line, and say, "Is Sally there?
}      Is Sally Struthers there?  MOM?!"
}  2)  Pick thy toes.
}  1)  Eat some raisins.  They're really chewy.
}
} You owe the Oracle the "Buns of Steel" video.


545-02    (5caa1 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh-Oracle-wise-and-true,-can-you-please-tell-me-what-is-wrong
> with-my-spacebar??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, a common problem.  You see, the space bar doesn't actually show
} anything, it just moves the cursor over.  You can't actually see a
} space.  You have to just believe that it is there.  It's sort of like
} the "post-cold-war peace dividend."
}
} You owe the Oracle a big tax break.


545-03    (8bc43 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most mighty and great Oracle,
>
> I'm sorry about the short grovel, but my modem is playing up.
> What can I
> NO CARRIER

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stop pressing Alt-H
}
} You owe the Oracle a Hayes compatable ZOT extender.


545-04    (5e991 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great wise one, please tell me what that red thing is, and what do
> they use it for...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The 'little red thing,' as you call it, is really a transdimentional
} fuse. Say, for example, a supplicant asks, "How Much Wood can a...a
} w-w-w-w...a w-w-a woo...." Never mind, you know what I'm talking about.
}  But anyway, all you do is light the fuse and send the fuse with your
} reply.
}
} When the fuse burns down to the little purple part, the orange part
} opens to reveal a black part which suck the supplicant and his house
} and question in, then returns to its small yellowish-brown box-like
} state.
}
} Now, if you'll excuse me, I just got some mail...Hmm!  How nice!  A
} small yellowish-brown box with a little orange part, a little purple
} part, and a burning little red part...
}
} But as I was saying...all you do is light the little red part and send
} it to your worst enemy's house...
}
} Wait a min...I've seen one of these boxes
} befoAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH<schllup>
}
} You owe Lisa a new Oracle.


545-05    (8fb13 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most proud and noble Oracle, tell me:
>
> Why do stars fall out of the sky/
> every time/you walk by?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'cause I'm so flippin' drun' drun' drunkkk tha' notonly do th' stars
} move aroun' evr'y time I lookkit 'em, but th' earth does a neat little
} dansstep an' jodles at th' top of its lunggz.
}
} You owe me a canuv Guinness Draught an'an' Aspirin fer nex' morning.


545-06    (47db3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> World famous knower of knowledge, dispenser of dispensations, and
> contriver of contrivances, I have met this real cute girl. She is
> a Princess, which is handy because I am a Prince, and you wouldn't
> believe how hard it is to meet a real Princess nowadays. Anyway,
> there is a rather major problem. You see, she just lays there like
> she is under a spell or something. I've tried pinching her, tickling
> her feet, and several other things, but she just lays there. What
> can I do to get a response?
>                                               In Desparation,
>                                               Prince Charming

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mr. Charming:
} I am quite familiar with the spell you describe, and I am pleased to
} tell you there is an easy way to break it.  However (there is always a
} however in these situations), it won't work unless YOU figure it out
} for yourself.  I'll give you the same advice I recently suggested to
} an engineering student who wanted my help on a seemingly difficult
} project:  Keep It Simple, Stupid!
}
} You owe the Oracle the droit de seigneur.


545-07    (14i96 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Huge Oracle, who uses clothesline for dental floss, and who buffs
> his toenails with a floor polisher, please tell me why my piling
> system, -er- I mean my FILING system is always overflowing and never
> in order.  Is there some cosmic secret to getting all these papers put
> away, thrown away, kept away, out of my way, yet with the things I
> need still instantly available?  I don't think the computer is the
> answer, because I suspect it's useless to scan in handwritten notes,
> or catalogues I intend to order something from, some day, or the
> archival stuff on the floor.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your Freudian slip was wiser than you knew.  In fact, careful filing
} systems have been one of the greatest barriers to humanity's
} development of cosmic consciousness.  Your *piling* system is on the
} right track.
}
} Consider for a moment.  You've studied chaos theory.  You've learned in
} cognitive science that consciousness is an epiphenomenon.  Complex
} systems that are allowed to grow complex enough ultimately develop
} orderly structures that cannot be predicted from the characteristics of
} their consituent parts.
}
} Our Solar System was once a garbage dump for a race of interstellar
} colonists whose home base was Beta Centauri.  Consider the results:
} Mars coalesced from old racing forms.  The core of Venus was discarded
} sponges, used Lava Lamps, and Centaurian Chia Pets.  As for Earth:
} a primordial soup of interplanetary speeding citations, biology
} textbook overstock, pop-top rings from before the Centaurians invented
} pull-tabs, faulty 1 terabyte RAM chips, and Spam.
}
} So the secret is to introduce enough chaos and complexity into your
} papers that they begin to self-organize.  The order that will
} eventually emerge is unpredictable, but expect it to be as
} information-rich as a strand of DNA--as beautiful as a fractal
} image--as logical as the VMS operating system....
}
} On second thought, maybe you just ought to hire a secretary...


545-08    (79c82 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> I was out in my wood pile, and I noticed that there was a woodchuck
> chucking wood all over the place.  I didn't want my wood chucked by
> this woodchuck, as I had carefully stacked it into a statue of You, the
> wise and glorious one, and this darned woodchuck was chucking this wood
> into a form that made it look more like one of Ross Perot's ears.
>
> Needless to say, I was pissed.
>
> So, I got out the twelve-gauge, and blasted a hole in said woodchuck's
> head.
>
> What I want to know, is what is your preferred recipe for woodchuck?  I
> was thinking a stew (he's an old, tough bugger), but I'm open to
> suggestions.
>
> Awaiting hungrily (and hurry, he's starting to smell funny),
> The humblest of all supplicants.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Woodchuck stew:
}
} (1) Woodchuck
} (1) Supplicant
} (1) Large Pot
}
}   In large pot, bring water to a boil. Toss unconscious supplicant into
} pot. Let Woodchuck watch. The Oracle does *not* hate woodchucks. The
} Oracle hates *people* *who* *ask* *woodchuck* *questions* !!!


545-09    (cc932 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    I bet this question won't make it into the Oracularities Digest.
> What do you think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't >think<, supplicant, I >know<.  I know many things.  I know
} why the Earth spins 'round the sun, I know why Spring always follows
} Winter, and I know why Lisa is such a great lover in bed.
}
} What I also know is that your question is of such insignificant value
} that it won't make it into the digest.  And in fact...
}
}          <<   ZZZZZZZZZ       OO       TTTTTTTTTTTT    !!  >>
}         <<          ZZ      OO  OO          TT        !!!!  >>
}        <<          ZZ     OO      OO        TT        !!!!   >>
}       <<          ZZ      OO      OO        TT        !!!!    >>
}      <<          ZZ       OO      OO        TT         !!      >>
}       <<        ZZ        OO      OO        TT         !!     >>
}        <<      ZZ         OO      OO        TT         !!    >>
}         <<    ZZ            OO  OO          TT              >>
}          <<   ZZZZZZZZZ       OO            TT         !!  >>
}
} I also know you didn't grovel.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the latest Oracularities Digest.


545-10    (2ic42 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, please tell me:
> I was recently at the store, and just happened to need a cuccumber and
> vaseline.  Everyone was snickering at me while in line.  Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I can assure you, your recipe for "Supplicant Salad" will become an
} instant classic on supermarket shelves across the nation in a few short
} weeks.
}
} Those pin-heads in the checkout line aren't even up to oil-and-vinegar,
} so don't feel discouraged.
}
} And that bit about about loosing your chef's license over that KY jelly
} dessert, don't worry, it's going to blow over in the next few days.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "More Of The Best Of The Joy Of Sex" and a
} salad spinner.


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