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Internet Oracularities #546

Goto:
546, 546-01, 546-02, 546-03, 546-04, 546-05, 546-06, 546-07, 546-08, 546-09, 546-10


Usenet Oracularities #546    (44 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 14 Mar 1993 01:22:28 -0500

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   546
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

546   44 votes 47be8 8nc01 18kb4 0bh79 09ei3 cl920 6hd62 49ed4 bhe20 08ob1
546   2.8 mean  3.3   2.2   3.2   3.3   3.3   2.0   2.6   3.1   2.2   3.1


546-01    (47be8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O R A C L E
>     Is it true that Bach had 23 children because his organ didn't have
> any stops?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is the best explanation I have ever heard of why Johann Sebastian
} was so prolific. Still, one is puzzled that Bach did not use the many
} other options that he had:
}
} (a) His violin partitas can convince anyone that he was a master at
} fingerplay.
}
} (b) Just listen to any of his keyboard sonatas and you will agree that
} he was an unmatched solo player.
}
} (c) Both of his wives came from a fine oral tradition.
}
} Wonders never cease.


546-02    (8nc01 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh ever present and annoying oracle,
>
>       I filter my mail into separate mailboxes, and I even gave you
> your own mailbox!  It has been wonderfully empty for the past couple
> months, and I was enjoying the break you've been giving me.
>
>       Then, I posted a question to a newsgroup yesterday, and I got
> several answers back, the most surprising is the one that I received in
> the mail from YOU, oh wonderfully annoying one.  I included your reply
> just in case you had forgotten what your answer was...
>
> > Subject: Re: Does it matter what sex I am?
> > Newsgroups: comp.lang.c
> > Organization: Oracle Corporation, Redwood Shores CA
> >
> >     ...Only to your date on Saturday night.
> >
> > In a previous article you write:
> > ]   struct foo {
> > ]           unsigned char a;
> > ]           unsigned char b;
> > ]   } bar;
> > ]
> > ]   unsigned short foo_bar;
> > ]   unsigned char *snafu;
> > ]
> > ]   foo_bar = 0xf5c1;
> > ]   *((unsigned short *)&bar.a) = foo_bar;
> > ]   snafu = (unsigned char *)malloc(sizeof(unsigned char)*8);
> > ]   *((unsigned short *)snafu) = foo_bar;
> > ]
> > ] Am I guaranteed that (bar.a == 0xf5 && bar.b == c1) and (snafu[0]
> > ] == 0xf5 && snafu[1] == 0xc1), or is this machine(CPU)-dependant?
> >
> >     It's machine-dependent.  You can be sure that (bar.a ==
> > snafu[0]), and that (bar.b == snafu[1]); but what those values are is
> > not guaranteed.
> >
> >     foo_bar can be stored in (high-byte, low-byte) order, or
> > (low-byte, high-byte) order, or as (lowest-bit, highest-bit,
> > second-lowest-bit, second-highest-bit,...) and that's OK with the
> > ANSI C Standard (as long as arithmetic, assigning a char to a short,
> > etc., work).
>
>       Now, explain yourself... I didn't ask you to answer this, I
> didn't even tell you about it,  WHY THE HELL DO YOU KEEP BUGGING ME!
> I'll send you the canine re-incarnation I owe you one of these
> centuries, but I've got to save up the money first (they are
> EXPENSIVE!), but until then, PLEASE LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!
>
> signed, an (obviously) disgruntled customer....
> [ :-) ]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me refer you to our complaint dept...  please hold the line.
}
} (A bubble gum chewing 18 year old answers) : Oracle Inc. Complaint
}                                              Dept. Waddya want?
}
} Disgruntled supplicant: Uh, I am not satisfied with services I have
}                         received.
}
} Bubble gum:  Oh, well, you need service dept. hold on.
}
} D.S.: No, I don't need the serv
}
} Another bubble gum chewing 18 year old answers: Service dept. Whats the
}                                                 matta?
}
} D.S.: Could you get me back to the oracle?
}
} Bubble: Please hold on, connecting.
}
} D.S. (Finally, an answer to my question)...  waits... waits...
}
} Oracle: The answer is...
}
} D.S.:  Yes?  Yes?
}
} Oracle: Your question has already been answered.  If you are not
} satisfied, please send a self-addressed, stamped envelope containing
} the unsatisfactory product.  Our service dept. will be happy to replace
} the defective product. Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery.  Void where
} prohibited.  The oracles opinions are not necessarily the opinions of
} his employers.


546-03    (18kb4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: mycroft@gnu.ai.mit.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and glorious oracle, the fount of all knowledge,
>
> I'm looking for an easy way to make money.  I'd prefer a legal scam,
> but I'm open to suggestions.  My priorities are that it won't take too
> much time, effort, or money to start up.
>
> What can the wise and glorious Oracle suggest to this humble
> supplicant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE ORACLE'S TOP TEN (IL)LEGAL SCAMS
}
} 10.  Start an E-mail chain letter saying everyone should send $5.00
}      to the top name on the list and then add their name.  Crosspost
}      the letter to a dozen of the highest-traffic newsgroups.
}
} 9.   Spend the day driving around, finding as many payphones as you
}      can. At every one, call the operator, and say you just dropped a
}      quarter into the phone and the phone ate it.  Ask if they could
}      credit your home phone number.
}
} 8.   Start a 1-900 number sex-talk, psychic advice or golf-swing advice
}      service.
}
} 7.   Borrow a lot of money from a loan shark or the Mafia, and skip
}      town.
}
} 6.   Become a television evangelist, and tell people God will take you
}      up to heaven if they don't send you a million dollars by the end
}      of the month.
}
} 5.   If that takes too long, get a job working for a television
}      evangelist and embezzle.
}
} 4.   Go the Elmwood school for the blind and ask people for change
}      of a twenty.  Give them a single instead.
}
} 3.   Become a crooked politician.  Abuse the system, abuse perks, and
}      sell favors.  If you aren't already a politician, this may take
}      longer than you like, so try this:
}
} 2.   Accuse a politician (the higher up the better) of sexual
}      harassment. You don't even have to be able to make it stick -
}      you'll be getting offers to give speeches for around $50,000 a
}      pop.
}
} and the number one (il)legal scam...
}
} 1.   Start a service where you get people to E-mail you questions,
}      and as payment, you get to ask for anything you desire.  You
}      set it up so that you send a question to each person who asks
}      one - then you don't even have to answer them yourself!


546-04    (0bh79 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who could control the minds of mortals with a thought
> (if it weren't too trivial to bother with), do you have any control
> over the graduate admissions process at Indiana (since you reside
> there)?  I applied to grad school there, and haven't heard anything,
> but wonder if I could make points with you (if I grovel really well)
> and have that help.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "(if I grovel really well)" indeed! You'll certainly need to do
} better than you've done so far.
}
} Of course, the Oracle can help. Here's what you must do:
} go to the office of the Dean of Admissions,
} be there before she arrives in the morning, roughly 07:35,
} *in* her office -- sneak in, or punch 9687# on the door --
} naked, painted blue with woad,
} and with your privates covered in peanut butter (crunchy).
}
} As she arrives, bleary-eyed and carrying her first paper cup of coffee,
} Spring out at her, crying "Aji-no-Moto(tm)!"
}
} I guarantee that you will be admitted to the appropriate
} institution.


546-05    (09ei3 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who so smugly thinks they know all things
> knowable, answer me this:
>
> To: T.Usenet Oracle
> From: Goniff, Swindle and Cheat, Attny.
> Subject: Cease and Desist Order #2318453-34
>
> Dear Mr. Oracle;
>
>       The people of California have formally obtained an injuction
> against you, your relations and agents formally barring you from the use
> of the <ZOT> unless specifically authorized by the Council of the Wise
> Elders of Athena, and a representative of this court.
>
>       This injuction, which is now in effect, is due to your random and
> malicious <ZOTTING> of the people henceforth known as "supplicants",
> those who request things of you.
>
>       If you so much as perform even one more <ZOT> without proper
> authorization, you shall yield all rights to your estate, and shall
> become instantly mortal, where you will then dwell in a state prison
> with a cellmate named Bubba, who will literally love sharing his
> environment with you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It appears I'm going to have to consult legal help. I know....
}
} *dialdialdialdialdialdialdial*
}
} God: Hello?
} Oracle: Hey God, it's me again.
} God: Hm? Oh, yes, Oracle, how's it hangin'?
} Oracle: Look, I can't talk now, the reason why I called is that I'm
} getting into legal trouble for all my <ZOT>ing. I figured I'd consult
} the best legal help available.
} God: Ah, I see.
} Oracle: Connect me to Alan Dershowitz, would you?
} God: Right away. Let's see, this plugs in to...
} *RINGRINGRING*
}
} Alan: God?
} Oracle: No, this is the Oracle. I have a serious legal problem, so I
} had God patch me in through his direct line.
} Alan: Oh, alright. This better be important, I'm missing Welcome Back
} Kotter...
} Oracle: It is...look, some weenies in California are trying to take
} away my ability to <ZOT> by filing some kind of injunction.
} Alan: I see. Where are you residing?
} Oracle: I am everywhere, I see every...
} Alan: C'mon, quit toying with me, chucklehead.
} Oracle: Uh, Indiana.
} Alan: Right. Do you own anything in Texas?
} Oracle: Yeah, I have a hotel room there, but I only live there a week
} out of the year, for political reasons.
} Alan: Well, there you go. Reroute all of your <ZOT>s through your
} "place of residence" in Texas. Down there, "He needed <ZOT>ing" is an
} acceptable defense for <ZOT>ing anyone you choose.
} Oracle: Really? I didn't kno....oh, I mean "I KNEW THAT"
} Alan: Yeah, right. And God doesn't need legal advice.
} Oracle: Thanks, bud. I'll send you a cookie.
} Alan: Thanks, I'll send you a bill.
} Oracle: Later....
}
} As a payment for bothering the Oracle, oh California ninny, I only ask
} you stand still while I rain upon you the biggest, flashiest, most
} impudent <ZOT> ever to come from Indiana via the Lone Star state.
} Because you, supplicant, need <ZOT>ing.


546-06    (cl920 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh oracle who art in indiana, hallowed be thy operating system, thy
> kingdom come, thy will be done on the earth as it is on the net, give us
> this day our daily wisdom-of-the-ages-that-onely-you-posses-and-
> give-out-so-freely-even-to-idiots-who-ask-dumb-questions-and-grovel-
> not-enough, and forgive us our woodchuck inquiries as we forgive those
> who ask them of us, lead us not into mudding-our-life-away, but deliver
> us from reality, for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory
> for ever and ever, ahem.....
>
> why is the dealer's second hand in the british card game cribbage called
> the "crib"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer to this question is locked away in the distant past. I of
} course no the answer. The game cribbage is in fact not a british
} game, but originated in Antoloope in Lower Mongolia about 3020 A.O.
} (Anno Oracles).
}
} The earliest record of the game is found in ancient rock drawings,
} and shows 37 men playing the game, which was originally called Ugh.
} It is not clear when the modern day rules were first formulated, but
} the origin of the name "crib" for the dealer's second hand is well
} known.
}
} In 1783 a Franciscan monk was playing the game with his niece and her
} friend. After dealing the second hand his niece suddenly started
} squeling like a pig, and promptly threw-up all over her friend. The
} village idiot found this extremely funny, and laughed so loudly that
} he woke up the Kings baby, thereby infuriating the king, who ordered
} that the monk's left hand be cut off. And from there the name.
}
} You owe the Oracle copy of Toss-the-Pig


546-07    (6hd62 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help a newcomer get adjusted?
>
> This much I've figured out already: Whenever I cry, this figure comes
> carrying two mounds of food. This is good, thank you.
>
> But sometimes this other figure appears instead, who has no such mounds
> although the valves are still in place. What gives?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pretty simple.
}
} (And my! You're a precocious one, already knowing how to write to the
} Oracle!)
}
} The figure with the two mounds of food is "Mama."  The other one is
} "Dada." Now, Dada has the valves but doesn't have the mounds.  You see,
} Dada is jealous of Mama, in that she gets you to suck on her valves for
} hours on end and it's a perfectly natural thing.  He was hoping he
} could get you to do it to him, too, but he's afraid you'll get upset
} and cry because you won't be getting anything out of it.  Then Mama
} will come in and see what he's doing and get very mad.
}
} On the other hand, Dada may just be jealous because he wants to be the
} one sucking on Mama's valves.
}
} You owe the Oracle a strap-on baby feeder.


546-08    (49ed4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle all-knowing, all-seeing, all-bran, explain this quandry if
> you can:
>
> Why do newspaper theatre critics have to be so mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Newspaper theater is awful, and the critics *should* be mean to it.
}
} That production of MacBeth the other day, starring the Post as MacBeth
} and the Daily News as MacDuff, was the worst yet.


546-09    (bhe20 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Message:
> Oh furtive and dank Oracle - I have seen mention in your musings of
> alt.tasteless, and I have seen images obtained from
> alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless - please tell me where I can find out
> more about these things.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh little one! I have heard your shrill whinings and although you are
} not worthy of my reply, I have taken pity on you.
}
} There exists a realm known as <news>, on a far-far-away computer
} system, and therein resides several groups both good and bad. As I have
} gazed upon the face of these groups, both the good anmd bad are known
} to me.  Verily, you, my child, through your blissful ignorance, have
} uttered the names of some very bad groups.
}
} My advice, oh little whiner, is to forget about these groups and follow
} your true heart straight to one of the good groups, verily,
} <rec.humor.oracle>.


546-10    (08ob1 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mycroft@gnu.ai.mit.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, buddy, pal,
>
> Listen, I still haven't thanked You for helping Me get that rock
> out of My yard last month.  You'd have thought I'd have learn not
> to deal with philosophical questions while drunk, right?  Well,
> tonight, Lucifer was over for an informal get together, and We
> started drinking, and before I realized it, I had written a check
> larger than I could cover.  Lucifer took it back with Him and is
> going to try to cash it first thing tomorrow, and I was wondering
> if you could lend Me some money for about a week or so.
>
> Best to You and Lisa,
> God

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You still haven't paid Me back for the thirty drachma I lent You
} a few thousand years ago.  Do you know what the interest on that is?!
}
} Go form an S&L, take the loan as a loss, and have the U.S. government
} cover it.  They write checks for more than they can cover all the time,
} and the fools keep buying it.
}
} You owe the Oracle twelve billion drachma.


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