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Internet Oracularities #547

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547, 547-01, 547-02, 547-03, 547-04, 547-05, 547-06, 547-07, 547-08, 547-09, 547-10


Usenet Oracularities #547    (51 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 16 Mar 1993 09:55:27 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   547
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

547   51 votes 7ej74 6dgb5 459je 26ke9 97a9g 2chh3 5baj6 5gh94 15ddj 9dd88
547   3.2 mean  2.7   2.9   3.7   3.4   3.3   3.1   3.2   2.8   3.9   2.9


547-01    (7ej74 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: mycroft@gnu.ai.mit.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Agent Blork:
>        Why have you not yet reported back to the mother ship?  You were
>  ordered to asses this planet for invasion 10 megableems ago?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not yet, not yet!  I've managed to reach a position where the
} primatives blindly follow my advice.  Once I have them doing what I
} tell them, they'll be so much easier to assimilate.


547-02    (6dgb5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: mycroft@gnu.ai.mit.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                                 March 13, 1993
}                                                 Office of the Oracle
}                                                 Indiana University
}                                                 Rutledge, IN 89013
} Dear Supplicant:
}
} Our records indicate that over the past month, you have sent a total of
} 22 null questions, 18 woodchuck questions, 15 offensive questions
} (including 11 of a pubescent sexual nature), as well as 11 questions
} consisting wholly of interjections and onomotopeic words.
}
} This track record is cause for concern and additional attention.  Under
} the 1989 Supplicant Transgression/Obstinancy Penal (STOP) Code you owe
} the Oracle the answer 36 like questions and whatever sexual favours he
} or Lisa might require.
}
} Luckily for you the philosophy at Indiana University has changed since
} then, (partly in response to AI International concerns) and we have
} taken a less punitive, more rehabilitative stance towards offenders
} such as yourself.
}
} Under the 1992 Rehabilitation of Imppaired Supplicants Code (RISC) you
} may opt out of the restitutional fees for a first-time offense such as
} yours if you enroll in the one-hour Supplicant Cooperation and
} Meditation Seminar (SCaMS).
}
} In an attached document are instructions how to get to the classroom in
} which the seminar is taught.  You will must show up Saturday, March 27
} (1993).  If you cannot make it this date, contact our secretary, Lilian
} Lovelace, at 419-867-2253.
}                                                 Rutledge, IN 89013
}
}                                                   Orrie
}                                                 The USENET Oracle(tm)
} -LL


547-03    (459je dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, who is more than Politically Correct,
> who is the very paradigm of Philosophically Correct,
>
> Last year I decided to get myself a Personal Car.
> So, I went down to the PC dealers and bought the most beautiful
> machine I ever saw; 486 cubic inches under the hood,
> whitewall disks, can go from zero to 100 Mhz in a nanosecond.
>
> I signed all the papers, paid the money, and drove it out of the
> showroom. Wouldn't you know it, the darn thing hit a tree!
> Back at the dealer's, they explained to me that I needed something
> to aim it with, and they sold me a Borland SteeringWheel(tm).
>
> I managed to get my Personal Car back home okay, though I did run
> over a few old ladies. I steered it right into the garage and ran
> smack dab up against the back wall!
>
> So I took it back to the dealer next day and got Microsoft Brakes(tm)
> put in. Now everything was fine, until it rained and I got all wet.
> Now they told me I needed Windows(tm-NOT!).
>
> Well, to make a long story short, I had to go back to the dealer
> more times than I can count, and it wound up costing me eight times
> what I thought I was going to pay, but I finally feel like I have a
> complete Personal Car. I've got a dent in the door, from when I got
> mad at it and gave it a SideKick(tm), I play my music tapes on a
> QuarterDeck(tm), and I feel like a HalfWit(tm-NOT!).
>
> I've gone to all this trouble and spent all this money, and at last
> I have all the pieces, but they all come from different companies
> and don't quite fit together right. For example, when I step on my
> Brakes(tm), my TootToot!(tm) goes off -- fortunately, I drive mostly
> in Manhattan, so nobody notices.
>
> O Oracle, please tell me, have I been taken for a ride?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Dear new IBMW driver:
}       Thank you for puchasing the New IBMW 486i. Federal safety
}  standards require that you be able to see behind you. Please purchase
}  Borland Reflex(tm) at your earliest convienience. You may have noticed
}  by now that you can only move forward. Your local dealer has several
}  back-up systems available. While we recomend that you have your
}  authorized service center perform these modifications we realize
}  that in efforts to save money and cpu cycles you may wish to perform
}  these yourself. To assist you we are offering Turbo Assembler(tm).
}  It is our wish that you become a happy and satisfied customer rather
}  than another ANTSY driver.
}                               Sincerly,
}                               Gotch U. Cumminingoin
}                               Customer Service Representitive


547-04    (26ke9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> One day, Moses, Jesus, and the Oracle were walking out in the woods;
> they walked for a long time, and got hungry.
>
> Jesus just broke off another piece of his bread and fish.
>
> Moses raised his hand, and mannah came down from Heaven.
>
> The Oracle --
>
> What did the Oracle do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Emailed Dominos...
}
} You owe the Oracle extra anchovies.


547-05    (97a9g dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@hew.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ta Da!
>
> Announcing...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A vaguely Grecian stage appears to the tune of "It's Showtime at the
} Apollo". Clowns run amok.  Lions jump through fieryhoops.  Several
} zeus' occupants must have been unleashed for this spectacle.  Togaed
} acrobats fly through the ares like doves.  A spotlight focuses upon a
} mustacioed ringleader.
}
} Ringleader: Ladies and gentlemen, children of all aegis, all the way
} from Delphos in ancient Greece, let me present to you the one, the
} only, Usenet Oracle.
}
} Three gorgeous tunicked women bear out a fit man upon a plush canopied
} carriage.
}
} UO: Thank you.  Thank you Mr. Ringleader. (aside: atlas that greeceball
} is finished I hades long introductions; how many times does one need to
} hear, "Oh Oracle you're thebes?")  Besides, I'm no circus freak, no
} performing monkey.  I do not rome from town to town for the amusement
} of the populi.  I oughtta give him a good thracian.)  For my first
} trick I will cut one of my lovely aphrodites in half with a saw.  [Gaps
} ring out as the women fumble their load, nearly spilling the Delphic
} wonder unceremoniously upon the floor.  The Oracle wipes his brow as he
} continues.]  But ceresly folks, I came here to read your fates,
} euripides chickens up and voila!  Juno?  I certainly do!  So step right
} up, step right up.
}
} The ringleader grabs athene and frightened kid from the crowd.  His
} hera stand on end. He's aturning to sit back down -- but cannot escape
} -- eros, and that's that.
}
} UO: [To the kid]  So kid, what's your name?  [The kid is quiet.  The
} Oracle perseus matter further.]  Odyseus, I will ask him his name
} nonetheless. [He does; the kid does not.]  Theseus unprecedented!
} Achilles for less! Tell me your name now, lad!  [The Oracle medeatates
} a while.  He muses to himself; I will have to follow minos on this
} one.]  You are Oedipus, are you not?  [The child nods meekly.  He turns
} and fleece.  Victory escapes him, and as his bacchus turned he is
} restrained by bouncer-like clowns.]  A feisty one!  If medusae so
} myself!  So feisty indeed he will kill hestia and marry his ma.  He
} will chronus (he and his ma) as sovereigns.  [An uneasy sirens takes
} hold of the crowd.  The boy panics.  The Oracle, with a cyclops him
} soundly on the head.  The boy falls, foreshadowing the fate of his
} household.  Realizing the crowds horror, he tries to plato them.]  He
} is unnatural, sophists are all he understands.  [The Oracle shrugs
} good-naturedly and the crowd sighs in relief as the kid awakes.]
}
} OR: So what do io you?
}
} You owe the Oracle a parthenon other less burlesque performance.


547-06    (2chh3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie,
> I just thought I'd drop you a line and tell you how things
> are back home.  Your brother, Zeus, managed to wipe a whole
> continent the other day, but is was on Jupiter's Earth.
> You know how those two fight.  Well, Jupiter then went and
> wiped a whole Aztec civilization on Zeus's toy.  Juno got
> fed up with Jupiter's behaviour so she dumped him, and is
> now dating Mercury.  You know how hot he can be!
>
> Anyway, looking after the universe is going well, apart
> from when those two squabble!  Your mother is keeping well,
> but I'm sure she'd be happy to hear from you more often.
> Do write and tell how you are getting on with Lisa.  I know
> I really shouldn't hint, but is there a chance of wedding
> bells?  Your mother would be so pleased if there were...
>
> Anyway, don't forget to send her flowers for Mother's day
> will you, and a visit in the near future wouldn't go amiss.
> Write soon...
>               Your Loving Father.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear old Dad:
}
} Thanks for writing me. Sorry I'm not going to make it back for Spring
} Break...my work here solving the world's problems is kind of hectic.
} And thanks from the word from home.
}
} Earth's pretty much the same, except George and Dan got fired. Dan took
} it pretty hard, but Marilyn found him a good day care here in Indiana,
} and he'll be happy there. George and Barbara are okay with it, too;
} Millie's hard at work writing a sequel to her book, and they'll have
} some grocery money coming soon.
}
} I suppose you heard David locked himself in his compound, and ordered
} all of his supplicants shoot anyone who got near him. Such a shame...I
} had so much hope for him becoming our Texas affiliate, but that
} reclusive streak of his just went a little overboard. I'd say if you've
} got any free time, he could use a few well-placed lightning bolts. I'd
} do it myself, but you know me...work, work work...
}
} Bosnia and Croatia are fighting Serbia, who are calling themselves
} Yugoslavia, over their right to break from Yugoslavia. Macedonia and
} Slovenia are still undecided, but Armenia is suggesting they break,
} Latvia suggests they either stay or join with Armenia, and Lithuania
} couldn't care less. I've worked out a plan for the United Nations that
} takes the entire lot of them and makes them into one big country called
} "Other," and they said they'd think about it.
}
} I mentioned something about this the last time I wrote you 2 years ago,
} and can you believe, I *still* haven't been able to <ZOT> that kid from
} the Encyclopedia Britannica commercials? I'm not giving up, though. My
} quest is a holy one.
}
} Well, hey, it's late, and I've got a lot of stuff to do. I'll call you
} sometime before next Martimas time. Take care, and say Hi to mom for
} me.
}
} Love,
} Orrie
}
} P.S. I remembered how much you like Madonna. I've enclosed her first
} book, "Sex." You thought "Who's That Girl" left nothing to the
} imagination? You're gonna freak when you see this!


547-07    (5baj6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can i find information about AMIGA ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The scene:
}
}     Commodore International's telemarketing department. A huge room
}     full of telemarketers are chatting away, attempting to ignore
}     incoming calls.
} ******
}
} "So anyway, I tell him that if that's the way he feels, he can just..."
}
} <RIIIINNG>
}
} "Commodore International Thank You For Calling Please Hold."  <CLICK>
}
} "...take his fancy vacation in Mexico..."
}
} <RIIINNG>
}
} "Commodore International Tha..."
} ...
} "Oh, I'm sorry you got cut off.  Could you hold please?"   <CLICK>
}
} "...and just go by himself.  Well, so anyways, *he* says..."
}
} <RIIINNG>
}
} "Commodore International..."
} ...
} "I'm very sorry.  Cut off twice?  Perhaps there's something wrong with
} your phone?  Could I take your name please?"
}
} "Usenet?  Could you spell that please, Mr. Oracle?"
} ...
} "Would you mind answering a few questions for our marketing department,
} Usenet?"
} ...
} "Well, there's no need to be rude.  How can I help you, Mr. Oracle?"
} ...
} "Amiga?  Is that some kind of Mexican computer?  My boyfriend is taking
} me to Mexico next week.  Except we're having a fight, and I don't know
} if I want to go."
} ...
} "Talk to my supervisor?  Please hold."
}
} <CLICK>
}
} "Glady's, can you pretend to be my supervisor for a few minutes?  I've
} got a live one on line 3.  Something about computers in Mexico.  Very
} rude.  Name is Usenet Oracle."
}
} <CLICK>
}
} "Mr. Usenet?  Thank you for calling Commodore.  I'm afraid we don't
} market our computers in Mexico, although we appreciate your interest.
} If we can be of any assistance in the future, please don't hesitate to
} call again.  <CLICK>
}
} <ZZZZOTTTTT!!!!!>
} ****
}
} You owe the Oracle the phone number of the president of a *real*
} computer company.


547-08    (5gh94 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH'GREAT ONE TELL ME WHY IS SCHOOL SO BORING,WHEN YOU HAVE FREE TIME
> OF,AND WHY IS IT COMPOLSARY TO ATTEND SCHOOL WHEN WE HAVE ALREADY
> LEARNT TO WRITE,SPELL,READ,ADD ETC.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whassamatter, tiger? Second grade got you down? Still a little let down
} because you lost the election, and Marilyn had to put you back in
} private school? Get that sour puss off your face! School's not so
} bad...look at all of the brand new opportunities that are beating a
} path to your door! You're meeting new friends, broadening new horizons,
} getting regular milk breaks and nap times! The next ten years will just
} fly by, and you'll get that coveted piece of lambskin, and WHO KNOWS?
} Maybe, just maybe, you'll find yourself in a trade school
} somewhere...maybe even ITT TECH! Yes sir, Danny-Boy, I'd say you've got
} the tiger by the short-and-curlies.
}
} Keep that chin up! Work hard and bring home those As! And when it all
} seems too much for you, when the gloomy-bugs bite, and your lower lip's
} hanging low enough to gather floor lint, sing this little song. It'll
} get you up-and-at-'em again!
} (sung to the tune of "Every Sperm is Sacred," from Monty Python and the
} Meaning of Life)
}
} Someday I'll be a genius,
} With a high IQ,
} I'll be smart and famous,
} Like John Sununuuuu!
} I will learn how to place
} A-postrophes,
} I might even learn to lay
} Off the <CAPS LOCK> key!
} Everyone will like me,
} Even Murphy Brown,
} I'll be known as "Mr. Quayle"
} Not as "brainless clown!"
}
} On second thought, Dan, I've heard you sing. Forget the song, and just
} down a few malt liquors.
}
} You owe the Oracle a doll that gets excited when you press down on its
} head, and an autographed copy of Marilyn's spy novel.


547-09    (15ddj dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Fluffy Oracle, please explain to me why men like those
> smelly dogs and women like cats.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer, my feline friend, lies in the genes.  Men's Y chromosome
} shares some of the same info found in male dogs, while female genes
} share info with the female cat.  Some examples:
}
} Dog/Man:
}   Name:     Effect:
}   RF-L1             Refuse to learn new tricks after mid-age.
}   IS-G6             Insist on going out at the most inconvenient times.
}   WA-B0             When afraid, bark.
}   PL-B9             Have the unexplainable urge to play ball.
}   DRO-LL3           Drool when excited.
}   R-S8              Rotate leg when stomach is rubbed.
}   BM-W2             Bay at the moon, without knowing why.
}   BB-B4             Have bad breath without realizing it.
}   WW-I7             Whine when ignored.
}
} Cat/Woman:
}   Name:     Effect:
}   GR-T8             Groom at all times.
}   DA-C1             Don't always answer when called.
}   WA-R0             When afraid, run.
}   MW-OS4            Manipulate without shame.
}   BOP-WW12          Bother people while they are reading.
}   S-P34             Tend to strike poses.
}   BC-0              Tend to be curious.
}   PP-R1             Purr.
}
} You owe me a scratch behind the ears.


547-10    (9dd88 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Wise and Knowledgable Oracle, whose code never is scrambled,
> and whose printer prints nothing but thousand dollar bills.
> "Garbage In, Garbage Out" is a common maxim of computer programming.
> This implies that whatever is entered into a computer will result in
> an output of similar kind.  Following this logic, I entered a slice
> of thick crust pepperoni and mushroom pizza into my workstation, in
> order to double my supply of pizza.  Pizza In, Pizza Out!  However,
> nothing happened.  Not a single slice was output, nary e'en a single
> pepperoni! What did I do wrong?  Did I use the wrong compiler?  Do I
> need to use a different editor?  Any help from Your knowledgable and
> wise self would be most appreciated.
> Hungrily awaiting your response,
> A. Supplicant
>
> --
> I lack the technical skill to make a .SIG file...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ren:
} "STIMPY! YOU EEEEDIOT! Not again. That stupid rubber nipple machine of
} yours is causing more mail from the Oracle to pile up at our front
} door. I've had to answer a hundred ridiculous questions from these
} eeediot supplements already today. I'm almost out of ink!"
}
} Stimpy:
} "Thats all right Ren. I've got a new pen that I invented to make
} you very happy."
}
} Ren:
} "Well, tell me, what is it man?"
}
} Stimpy:
} "It uses a mixture of Gritty Kitty Litter and something that came
} out of my butt."
}
} Ren:
} "Something that came out of your butt??? I don't believe you. Nothing
} came out of your butt, so keep your stinking fantasies to yourself."
} <SMACK!> "Give me the pen, and fix that stupid machine so the Oracle's
} letters don't show up here anymore."
}
} "Dear Supplement,
}
} Send your computer and all of its peripherals to the Oracle care of Ren
} Studio B, locker #71, and the Oracle will send you a machine that will
} give you whatever you want simply by putting Gritty Kitty Litter into
} it."
}
} Stimpy:
} "Ren, how do you like the happy pen?"
}
} Ren:
} "It stinks. Quick, box up the rubber nipple machine. I think I have a
} solution to our mail problem!"
}
} Stimpy:
} "What's that Ren?"
}
} Ren:
} "Mark the box: To: Supplement, From: Oracle, and send it to this
} eeediot supplement. We get a free computer, and we'll be free of these
} stupid supplements who keep asking too many questions."
}
} Stimpy:
} "Did you make this new button on my pen? I didn't put it there."
}
} Ren:
} "What? Look, it says '*ZOT*' on it. Probably a magic good luck button.
} Here let me push it!"
}
} <*ZOT*> The Ren and Stimpy house is vaporized.
}
} Oracle:
} "Dear Supplicant, I'm sorry for any inconvenience, but the mail
} has been delayed. Please be patient."
}
} You owe the Oracle a video erasing machine.


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