548-08 (15kf8 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <email@example.com>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> O great and omniscient oracle, here's the thing:
> Several weeks ago I parked my small car around the corner from my
> apartment in front of this shoe repair store. Now, mind you this was
> at about 7 AM and I planned to move the car by 9.
> Long about 8 or so, I look out my window, just to be sure my car has
> not suddenly fallen through a wormhole, and what do I see but this big
> ol' blue Buick parked right behind my car, and eight feet of skid marks
> on the road. This bum had pushed my car forward so he could have his
> Knowing that the car belonged to the owner of the store, I approached
> him about his heinous motoring behavior.
> After first conceding that he did, in fact, push my car, I asked him to
> give me his registration and insurance number in case I wished to file
> a complaint.
> He then suddenly began denying that he had made any such admission of
> guilt, insisting that I should know better than to park in HIS spot.
> (Mind you, there was, and still is no sign which marks the spot as
> reserved or private.)
> He told me I could go and "Bang your head against a wall", and then
> proceeded to threaten me with police action if I did not immediately
> leave his premises. So, I did.
> What I want to know, O mighty and wise oracle, is how I can best seek
> my revenge on this man and his car without anyone connecting me with
> the deed and without making the act one of blatant destruction or
> vandalism. Subtlety and guile are the key here.
> Bless me, O oracle, with thy wisdom!
} Ah, pathetic mortal, perhaps you were off sniffing the
} luminiferous ether when you should have been reading my compendious
} tome "Rituals of Human Territoriality". Perhaps you, too, are going to
} give me the excuse that you don't read the mukluk dialect of
} proto-urbanian in which it's written!
} I suggest you refer to the case history titled, "The uncanny
} habit of playing chicken with parked cars". Oh, don't bother. Here, I
} think I have a spell which should work for this situation in the
} Transcendental Encyclopedia of Stupid Human Tricks. . .
} Yes, referring to page 333 of the Improvised Standard Version, I
} find that you will require the following ingredients to cast an
} irremedial curse on your dire enemy:
} 1 (one) Standard issue mobile fireplug.
} 1 (one) can hi-gloss yellow paint.
} 1 (one) cooperative Traffic Patrolman.
} 1 (one) donut shop, within view of your enemy's establishment.
} Instructions: Sit in the donut shop awaiting the inevitable
} convergence of the following two events--
} 1) Blue buick is parked in front of store.
} 2) Traffic patrolman parks his fanny on a stool near your
} station in the donut shop.
} This is the sign that you should remove the fireplug from your
} transdimensional pocket, and place it on the sidewalk near the Blue
} Buick. Apply a liberal coat of yellow paint to the adjoining curb.
} Return to donut shop, smile at Traffic Patrolman, and lead him to Blue
} Buick, chanting the mystic formula, "Remember your quota. Remember
} your quota."
} If you have performed your part of the spell correctly, the
} traffic patrolman will inscribe a mystic curse which he will place upon
} the Blue Buick. The effect of the curse will be the conjuration of a
} dire beast called The City Towing Vehicle, which will promptly cause the
} Blue Buick to disappear into the gaping maw of the City Impound Lot.
} WARNING: The spell has an unpredictable duration. It is
} possible that within a few days, the Blue Buick will be back in the
} neighborhood. The good news is, you can repeat the spell until your
} thirst for vengence is satisfied. It rarely fails.
} You owe the Oracle a paint job for our Blue Buick, and a Boston Creme
} filled donut.