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Internet Oracularities #548

Goto:
548, 548-01, 548-02, 548-03, 548-04, 548-05, 548-06, 548-07, 548-08, 548-09, 548-10


Usenet Oracularities #548    (49 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 19 Mar 1993 08:57:59 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   548
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

548   49 votes 5bea9 98gc4 5hj71 27jd8 5cl56 4eka1 4akc3 15kf8 46fea 2ni33
548   3.0 mean  3.1   2.9   2.6   3.4   2.9   2.8   3.0   3.5   3.4   2.6


548-01    (5bea9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Message:
> What does
>
>      6lj60 7eh86 5lf74 2ckd5 dfe82 0akg6 08il5 9gf84 2coc2 0jp71
>
> mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You obviously have lost your Captain Video Secret Spy Decoder Ring
} (free in every box of Oat Toasties).  When decoded, it reads:
}
}       stopf oolin garou ndwit hcomp uters andge tarea ljobl uvmom
}
} You owe the oracle 5 box-tops.


548-02    (98gc4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello Mr Oracle, how are you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By sheer force of will.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Gordian Knot and an X-Men comic book.


548-03    (5hj71 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jim@oasis.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, O wise and glorious Oracle,
>
> Why me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   ** The Universal Lottery **
}
} Oracle: our wheel is spinning and in a few moments our numbered balls
} will come down the chute identifying the only being in the universe to
} experience the previously generated sequence of life events.  Are they
} good?  Are they bad?  It's what you make of them, but they are unique.
} And here they are rolling -- 7, 13, 5, 29, 21, 2A, 3F, 0010, 3E4, QZZ.
} Now let's check the universe census, the number sequence just drawn
} belongs to...to....
}
} The Current Supplicant!  Aren't you amazed?
}
} You owe the oracle the look on your face.


548-04    (27jd8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose great nose hairs I am not worthy to pluck,
> and whose meta-jokes about Fermat's theorem are truly marvellous
> but unfortunately the bandwidth is too small to write them here,
>
> What is the smallest Fermat triple?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The smallest Fermat triple occurred in 1939 when Fermat was still
} with the Cubs.  The relief pitcher Cantor for the Mets threw the
} ball, Fermat bunted, and the fun began.  As Fermat headed for first
} base, both Cantor and Leibniz (who was catching that day) went for
} the ball and collided.  Fermat was on his way to second by the time
} Cantor and Leibniz separated big from small and made the throw to
} first.
}
} First baseman Fibonacci threw to Goedel at second just after Fermat
} tagged and ran for third.  Goedel at that moment leaped out of the
} noraml sequence and threw to home plate, leaving Fermat's great run
} incomplete and Fermat himself fuming at third for not being able to
} complete the great square.
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete list of even-numbered primes.


548-05    (5cl56 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true as it is said, that USA is going down, like
> i-cannot-say-what in the closet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The United States of America is God's Own Country, just like the
} Republicans said.  God, however, is in a bit of a snit lately, mostly
} over Leviticus.  If you want America to recover, the first thing to do
} is get shellfish banned...
}
} Alternately, America could change allegiances.  If y'all just came out
} and ADMITTED you'd rather hang out with Satan, rather than trying to
} find something in the New Testament about how murder is OK if it's
} dropped from real high up in the sky, the Horned One would cut you in
} on some terrific fringe benefits.  Smiting your enemies with pox,
} marking infants, smearing your body with ointment made from unbaptized
} children and flying around-- not to mention the odd visit from
} succubi!  (Or incubi, if you prefer.  Satan's open minded.  REAL open
} minded.)
}
} Failing that, you could get out of the whole Judeo-Christian thing
} completely.  France, for instance, has spent the decades since World
} War Two worshiping Jerry Lewis and the cult of annoying NATO.
} Germany never stopped worshipping tremendous steins of beer, although
} they do have an agreement with one of the grimmer Valhallans that any
} German telling a joke that does not refer to dung is immediately
} deported to Poland.  The former Soviet Union was real big on blue
} jeans and Moody Blues albums.  The Serbs just linked up with Crog, the
} ancient Serbo-Croatian god of Extreme Violence over Territory the Size
} of Postage Stamps.
}
} Do NOT try to get America to worship *me*; I prefer my cultists to be,
} if not actually educated, at least *educable*.  The last thing I need
} is to have to listen to prayers from an orange-haired woman on an
} overstuffed couch in a trailer park in between her mouthfuls of Kraft
} Macaroni and Cheese with cut up hot dogs mixed in it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a current address for Loviatar.


548-06    (4eka1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please ZOT me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, ho! Must be a case of zotophilia, or possibly even
} a zotomaniac! Why certainly, my dear, the Oracle would
} be more than happy to be of service. I hope you enjoy
} this as much as I do.
}
} (I'll just start with a little slow forezotting to get
} you in the mood:)
}
} <zzzzzzzzzzzzt>......<zzzzzzzzzt>...........<zzzzzzzzzzzzzt>
} ......<zzzzzzzzzzzzzt>...............<zzzzzzzzzzzzzt>......
} <zzzzzzzzzzzzzt>..........<zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt>...............
} <zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt>
}
} (Now I'll vary the rhythm a little:)
}
} <zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt>......<zzt>..........<zzzzzzzzzzzt>...<zt>
} <zt>...<zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt>...<zzt>...<zt>.<zt>
}
} (Now I'll increase the intensity:)
}
} <zooooooooot>.....<zzt>..<zzt>.........<zooot>...<zooooooooot>
}
} (Now, while you think the tension is unbearable:)
}
}             zzzz                                     ooo
}        zzzz      zzzz                            ooo     ooo
} <zzzzz                zzzzz                zzooo             oot>
}                             zzzz      zzzz
}                                  zzzz
}
} (And finally:)
}
}      <<<  ZZZZZZZZ     OOO     TTTTTTTT  >>>
}     <<<        ZZZ    OO OO       TT      >>>
}    <<<         ZZ    OO   OO      TT       >>>
}   <<<         ZZ     OO   OO      TT        >>>
}  <<<          ZZ    OO     OO     TT         >>>
} <<<          ZZ     OO     OO     TT          >>>
}  <<<         ZZ     OO     OO     TT         >>>
}   <<<       ZZ       OO   OO      TT        >>>
}    <<<      ZZ       OO   OO      TT       >>>
}     <<<    ZZ         OO OO       TT      >>>
}      <<<  ZZZZZZZZ     OOO        TT     >>>


548-07    (4akc3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I love coffee, I love tea,
> I love the Oracle, and he loves me,
> Coffee and tea, The Oracle and me,
> Together we can be so very happy.
>
> Oracle,
>
>    Will you marry me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Biscuit, coffee, tea and milk,
} Take the spoon and let it sink.
} Chocolate, coffee, milk and tea,
} Drop it all into the sea.
} Munchies, biscuits and coca cola
} We'll both go to Bola-Bola.
} Potatoes, coffee, milk and chips,
} I love you at 3000 MIPS.
} Sprite, tea, coffee and milk,
} I will dress for you in silk.
} Biscuit, munchies, milk and wine,
} From now on you will be mine.
} Apple, milk and chocolate white,
} I will marry you by night!
}
} You owe the oracle another pack of condoms.


548-08    (15kf8 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and omniscient oracle,  here's the thing:
>
> Several weeks ago I parked my small car around the corner from my
> apartment in front of this shoe repair store.  Now, mind you this was
> at about 7 AM and I planned to move the car by 9.
>
> Long about 8 or so, I look out my window, just to be sure my car has
> not suddenly fallen through a wormhole, and what do I see but this big
> ol' blue Buick parked right behind my car, and eight feet of skid marks
> on the road. This bum had pushed my car forward so he could have his
> spot!
>
> Knowing that the car belonged to the owner of the store, I approached
> him about his heinous motoring behavior.
>
> After first conceding that he did, in fact, push my car, I asked him to
> give me his registration and insurance number in case I wished to file
> a complaint.
>
> He then suddenly began denying that he had made any such admission of
> guilt, insisting that I should know better than to park in HIS spot.
> (Mind you, there was, and still is no sign which marks the spot as
> reserved or private.)
>
> He told me I could go and "Bang your head against a wall", and then
> proceeded to threaten me with police action if I did not immediately
> leave his premises.  So, I did.
>
> What I want to know, O mighty and wise oracle, is how I can best seek
> my revenge on this man and his car without anyone connecting me with
> the deed and without making the act one of blatant destruction or
> vandalism.  Subtlety and guile are the key here.
>
> Bless me, O oracle, with thy wisdom!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Ah, pathetic mortal, perhaps you were off sniffing the
} luminiferous ether when you should have been reading my compendious
} tome "Rituals of Human Territoriality".  Perhaps you, too, are going to
} give me the excuse that you don't read the mukluk dialect of
} proto-urbanian in which it's written!
}       I suggest you refer to the case history titled, "The uncanny
} habit of playing chicken with parked cars".  Oh, don't bother.  Here, I
} think I have a spell which should work for this situation in the
} Transcendental Encyclopedia of Stupid Human Tricks. . .
}       Yes, referring to page 333 of the Improvised Standard Version, I
} find that you will require the following ingredients to cast an
} irremedial curse on your dire enemy:
}
}       1 (one) Standard issue mobile fireplug.
}       1 (one) can hi-gloss yellow paint.
}       1 (one) cooperative Traffic Patrolman.
}       1 (one) donut shop, within view of your enemy's establishment.
}
} Instructions:  Sit in the donut shop awaiting the inevitable
} convergence of the following two events--
}       1)  Blue buick is parked in front of store.
}       2)  Traffic patrolman parks his fanny on a stool near your
}           station in the donut shop.
}
} This is the sign that you should remove the fireplug from your
} transdimensional pocket, and place it on the sidewalk near the Blue
} Buick.  Apply a liberal coat of yellow paint to the adjoining curb.
} Return to donut shop, smile at Traffic Patrolman, and lead him to Blue
} Buick, chanting the mystic formula, "Remember your quota.  Remember
} your quota."
}       If you have performed your part of the spell correctly, the
} traffic patrolman will inscribe a mystic curse which he will place upon
} the Blue Buick. The effect of the curse will be the conjuration of a
} dire beast called The City Towing Vehicle, which will promptly cause the
} Blue Buick to disappear into the gaping maw of the City Impound Lot.
}       WARNING:  The spell has an unpredictable duration.  It is
} possible that within a few days, the Blue Buick will be back in the
} neighborhood.  The good news is, you can repeat the spell until your
} thirst for vengence is satisfied. It rarely fails.
}
} You owe the Oracle a paint job for our Blue Buick, and a Boston Creme
} filled donut.


548-09    (46fea dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We are Borg.
> Usenet is irrelevant.
> Oracle is irrelevant.
> ZOT!ting is futile.
> Prepare to be assimilated.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We are the Borg.
} People say we're borging around.
} We're the new generation,
} We're going to suck the life from your town.
}
} We're not trying to be friendly,
} We want to enslave your race,
} Resistance is futile,
} We've got metal all in our face.
}
} Hey, hey, we're the Borg!
} We're going to triumph over all!
} We fly around in a Rubik's Cube,
} And we're getting cancelled next fall!
}
} We're all getting cancelled next fall!  Everybody!
} We're all getting cancelled next fall!  Even the Pontiac guy!
} We're all getting cancelled next fall!  Roddenberry's dead, we're outta
} plots! We're all getting cancelled next fallllllll!
}
} This and other marvelous songs can be heard on the brand new album from
} Geffen records, "Star Trek: The We-Think-We-Can-Sing Generation." Don't
} miss such sparkling gems as:
}       "Bad Moon Rising," by Marina Sirtis
}       "Do the Jean-Luc Stomp," by Gates McFadden and Ozzy Osbourne
}       "Hold On, I'm Coming," a soulful, peppy remake of the Junior
} Walker and the All-Stars song by Patrick Stewart.
}       And best of all, ol' yellow-eyes, Brent Spiner with a remake of
} the tasty pop confection, "99 Luftballons."
}
} Order now, I am standing by. You don't have to call a number, I already
} know if you want the album, and I'm sending it right now. You owe the
} Oracle a real sci-fi TV show such as Babylon 5. Now scram, kid, ya
} bother me.


548-10    (2ni33 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Message:
> Oh great and wise one.  Please answer my plea.  I have recently been
> unable to get excited over watching my favourite shows, such as Star
> Trek, Red Dward, Cheers, STTNG and LA law.  Instead,  I have found
> myself drawn to watching Bass Master and the Home Shopping channel.
> Oh wise one, what is wrong with me, what is happening to my life.
> Save me!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good news and bad news.
}
} Bad news -- The Nielson company has selected you and about a thousand
} other households for their new "psycho-ratings laboratory program"
} wherein they use the latest mind control technology to both tabulate
} and tweak reactions of participants to television programs in a
} controlled scientific laboratortype atmosphere.  Nothing is left to
} chance.
}
} Good news -- You will win a landmark suit against Nielson to the tune
} of 4M.
}
} Bad news -- You and the other participants will suffer for the rest of
} your lives from severe neurological.  You will be known as "vidiots",
} quivering uncontrollably until you have your hourly dose of paid
} commercial television, "Donoghue", and NBC News at 11:00.
}
} You owe the Oracle 2% of your settlement as a finder's fee.


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