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26 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 21:41:45 GMT

Internet Oracularities #55

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Usenet Oracularities #55
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 14 Nov 89 19:13:26 GMT

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55-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, whose breaths of fire scorch the evil of this world
> Why is IBM #1?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} IBM is #1 in some ways of counting, and not in others.  This is true of
} nearly anything.  Here are some of the more important ways that IBM is
} #1:
}
} 1. Their products have the most comfortable seats of any major computer
}    producer.
}
} 2. IBM executives are the most uniform in appearance and personality of
}    any major company.
}
} 3. IBM has the most effective brain-reprogramming department of any
}    major company.  (See 2.)
}
} 4. More starlings nest in IBM plants than nest in any other company's
}    plants.
}
} 5. IBM employs the largest number of people with harelips of any
}    organization in the world.
}
} 6. IBM has recently purchased the world's most expensive harmonica,
}    and donated it to an art museum.


55-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 'ello, 'ello, 'ello...
>
> What's all this, then?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is outside your jurisdiction, Constable.  And you didn't say hello
} to the third Oracular Priestess -- most impolite.  This is Sylvia, and
} that's Jennifer, and the shy one you wouldn't even greet is Molly.  What
} we are doing is quite legal in this part of the world.  These darling
} ladies are the first Oracular Priestesses the Oracle has had in
} centuries.  Now get out of the Oracle's Temple before the Oracle calls
} the _local_ police.  Out!


55-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much radiation do I receive from my Sun workstation's CRT display
> and what are my chances of sterility from it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You receive about two gigagrams per furlong of radiation from your
} workstation.  It will not help you get sterile.  Your fingers will still
} be grubby.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of the metric system.


55-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did I just shit in my pants?  Did anyone else do it too?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, most people in your area also did -- a low-frequency sound wave
} caused sympathetic vibrations that made many people lose control of
} their anal sphincters.  Don't be ashamed!


55-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What flowers should I send a girl after a few dates?  Do roses
> correspond to "coming on too strong"?  How about chrysanthemums?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You, sir, must understand the true symbolism of flowers.
}
} Roses:  romantic love, and/or lust.
}
} Chrysanthamums:  that you wish to have a more Japanese relationship with
} her.
}
} Carnations:  That you wish to buy her a set of luggage, but you are too
} scared to ask her permission.
}
} Daisies:  that you expect to be dead soon ("pushing up the daisies") and
} therefore want to have as much enjoyment as she can provide in what
} little remains of your life.
}
} Dahlias:  that you want to have a short, casual affair (dalliance) with
} her.
}
} Venus Fly-Trap:  that you want to cover her genital region with glue, or
} some similar substance.
}
} Sunflowers:  That you wish she were taller and blonder, but,
} nonetheless, you would be sad if Karl Marx gave either of you a
} reliquary.
}
} Violets:  That you and she should find a Satanist organization as soon
} as possible, either to join or to destroy as suits your fancy.
}
} Tulips:  That Elizabeth Taylor is a pea-brained ninja who should have
} given up making movies to marry several major U.S.  political figures.
}
} Well, this is only a sample, but you get the idea.  Consult
} Broglogustrum's _Complete Book of Flower Arrangements_ for more details.


55-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Every night while she sleeps, my girlfriend slowly changes into a
> shapeless blob of pulsating flesh, still wrapped in her own skin.  By
> morning she is herself again, and apparently none the wiser.  Should I
> tell her about this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nah.


55-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> An ORACLE is:
>   1a: a person (as a priestess of ancient Greece) through whom a deity
>     is believed to speak
>   1b: a shrine in which a deity so reveals hidden knowledge or the
>     divine purpose
>   1c: an answer or decision given by an oracle
>   2a: a person giving wise or authoritative decisions or opinions
>   2b: an authoritative or wise expression or answer
>
> Which one of the above describes you best and if the answer is either
> (1a) or (1b), which deity do you speak for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1a is the closest to an appropriate answer.  The Usenet Oracle speaks
} for whatever gods (or other beings) happened to be paying attention.  I,
} myself, am an Athena-worshipper (more or less), but there are a wide
} variety of other religions available on the network.
}
} You owe the Oracle this:  to heal anyone you can, whenever you can.
}    Blessings,
}      One incarnation of the oracle


55-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I hope the Oracle has the answer to this most difficult question:  Why
> does my 25 year old son keep seeing a girl that he has broken up with
> and only gives him grief?  A puzzled mother wants to know!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hold it, the Oracle needs to switch modes for this one.  What was the
} magic word for the German Psychaiatrist again?  Oh yes:  Goot Zex!  Goot
} Zex!  Goot Zex!  Goot..
}
} [blur blur blur]
}
} Ja!  Dat ees much better!  Vell, ve schall see joost vat ees vrong vit
} your son, Frau Vorryvart.
}
} He ees 25 years old, eh?  I vould say dat he is doing just vhat he damn
} vell pleases, den!  Actually, he ees seeing zis girl solely for der
} poorpose of making you und nutzkopf.  You should haff never given him
} such a vhipping over that broken bowl vhen he vas drei years old.
}
} Actually, eef you vould just meet zis girl vitout your son around, you
} vould see she ain't so bat after all, eh?
}
} So, quit meddling vit his bizness, unt get on vit your more pressing
} matters, like vhen ees he going to produce some grandtchildren ver you
} und Herr Vorryvart.
}
} Now, how vas dat I get back to zee normal Oracle?  Oh ja, Veert Answers!
} Veert Answers!  Veert Answers!  Veert...
}
} [blur blur blur]
}
} You owe the Oracle a better German accent.


55-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What would be a good question to ask you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To start off, that WAS a good question.
}
} Other good questions include...
} Why is the soap dish always in line with the water in the shower?
} What is the correct response to "Thanks for calling!"
} What is the correct response to "What's up?"
} Do we have the right to an attorney being present on Judgment Day?
} Why did Ronald Reagan have to wait until AFTER he left office to
}      have his brain fixed?
} Why do health food fanatics not look so healthy?
} Was Manuel Noriega any fun when he was a kid?
} If diamonds tasted like chocolate, would people actually eat them?
} Why don't acoustic guitars have wa-wa sticks?
} Whatever happened to the manned Mars mission Bush promised us?
} Why do smokers think they have the right to litter the world with
}      cigarette butts?
} Why are places that are open 24 hours have locks on the doors?
} Why does the lighter flame drop to an unusable height every time you try
}      to do a bong load?
}
} Just to get you started.


55-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Dear Ann Oracle,
>
>     Why do fools fall in love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To ensure propagation of the species, it is necessary for the male to
} identify himself as available for breeding, and to announce his
} intentions to as wide an area as possible.  The female, in turn, will
} respond to his signal - initiating a courtship ritual and leading
} eventually to the marking of territory (also by broadcasting to the
} surrounding area) and the building of a nest.
}
} Oh, sorry.  That's the answer to "why do birds sing so gay?" Fools fall
} in love to provide sport for the gods.
}
} You owe the oracle two shiny things and a beakfull of twigs.


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